Do you tell family members they are no longer listed as potential guardians?

[gatorsmom]

Sorry about the clumsy title. Dh and I are redoing our will and rethinking who we want to take care of our kids in case of our deaths. We put his sister and her Dh on the will because 8 years ago we thought they would be the best guardians. 8 years later I no longer think that for many reasons that have come to light since we have been hosting their son every summer. All of Dh's family live on the other side of the country and we only see
them for a week once per year, if that. I would really like my cousin and her Dh (who are local) to be the kids' guardians if Dh and I died but I'm not sure if I should tell SIL and BIL. I'm thinking we would discuss it with my cousin and her Dh, of course, and our kids so they understand the plan. But I'm thinking we keep the new plan a secret from Dh's family since the odds of Dh and I dying together are slim. If that should come to pass, SIL & BIL would find out at that time that they aren't getting our kids (and after being shocked would probably feel relieved since their own child would have grown up and moved out by then). If we told them now about the switch, it could affect SIL's relationship with her brother (my Dh) as well as his parents who are very protective of SIL. Dh and I have a friendly relationship with SIL and BIL but I'm afraid they would feel insulted if we took them off the will no matter the reason.

We would probably leave FIL as the executor of our will and guardian over the children's trust funds since he is the most levelheaded when it comes to money and he would take good care of our children. I don't see that changing even if FIL was surprised by the new will's change of guardian. Im just thinking why stir up trouble and drama if we don't need to? I know our kids would never say anything to SIL and BIL since they rarely see them.

What do you all think?

[lalasmama]

We didn't tell when we changed, other than the new appointees, obviously, to make sure they were willing.

In my case, we're going from one BFF to the other. Old appointees are in the middle of a messy divorce, and that BFF couldn't handle bringing a teenaged girl into the middle of their lives. New/reappointed appointees are at 17 years of marriage, 3 kids all successfully navigating the teen years, financially stable, similar moral and spiritual beliefs, and actually who I had picked for DD before DH and I met/married/became close couple-friends with the other couple.

I think all that would occur with talking about the change would be hurt feelings.

[klwa]

We haven't ever mentioned it to DH's younger brother that we switched to his older brother. (Lots of reasons to do so, largely due to being unsure how his wife who wasn't even a girlfriend at the time we made the original plans would handle the addition of 3 kids.)

If you decide to, I would focus on the positive reasons. With DC getting older, you "don't want them moved from their support base of friends if something happens," rather than the negative of "we don't agree with your parenting decisions."

[hillview]

No, I don't see any reason to do that unless you think the family you originally selected would be making any significant decisions -- should there be a change of health etc for you and DH then maybe (as they might be making decisions differently should something happen to you both).

[Pear]

No, I wouldn't bring it up. It will just cause unnecessary strife.

[minnie-zb]

No, but one thing gives me pause. You mention you will tell your kids, I think if you tell your kids, you have to tell them. It's Murphy's Law, if you tell the kids, it's going to get out. Personally I don't think you need to tell your kids, if your kids ask, you could say, we have a plan you will be taken care of if something happens to us. The odds of that happening are slim so I personally don't think you need to provide a lot of details.

[div_0305]

No, but one thing gives me pause. You mention you will tell your kids, I think if you tell your kids, you have to tell them. It's Murphy's Law, if you tell the kids, it's going to get out. Personally I don't think you need to tell your kids, if your kids ask, you could say, we have a plan you will be taken care of if something happens to us. The odds of that happening are slim so I personally don't think you need to provide a lot of details.

:yeahthat: If you tell your kids, it would be much better if your SIL finds out from your DH, not your kids or you even.

[amyx4]

What I'm about to say goes against 99% of my parenting. I'm usually very open and honest with my kids with touchy subjects. (sex, drugs, etc) However, no one, not even my kids or the potential guardians know what's in our will.

Years ago sil told mil where her kids would go and it caused an epic battle. And generally, sil is closer to mil than my dh. This privacy has allowed us to rewrite the will twice and we will probably be rewriting the will again in a couple of years. I've always looked at the will as very fluid. Life changes. Guardians grow old. My kids have grown and changed.

[MamaSnoo]

I agree with not telling the old choice that you have changed to a new choice; it can only result in hurt feelings. We have also made adjustments over time in who is listed as guardian. Our list goes 3-4 scenarios deep to cover all bases, and the order and who is listed has changed at least once over the years. It will likely change again before DS (4) is an adult. We have chosen to tell the potential guardians that they are listed (but not in what order) just to be sure that they would be willing.

I also agree that kids do not need to know who is listed at all, UNLESS a parent is actively terminally ill, and the question is obviously at the forefront of everyone's mind. If you and DH are reasonably healthy, and you are sure that your kids would be with you or him if something tragic happened to one of you, then there is no reason to give any explanation to the kids about something that is very unlikely to occur (your simultaneous demise).

I think it is really important to re-evaluate this every 5 years or so in my opinion, as GPs/aunts/uncles age, and relationships with friends and adult siblings can change over time.

[HannaAddict]

No. I don't tell the family except for who would take them and the kids sort of know in a non-literal way. I don't see it coming up frankly with my kids and any relatives so not worried about that angle.


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[123LuckyMom]

We have changed our kids' guardians from a relative to friends. We did ask the friends, but we haven't told the relative. It's not worth stirring up drama since the event is unlikely to occur. If it does, it will be up to the guardians to handle. They are aware the relative does not know.


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