Need advice- DS is asking about dating

[liz]

So, it's finally happened. My oldest DS asked me when I starting dating. We talked a little bit about that. He tells me he likes a girl and that she likes him back [emoji5]. He's 13 and the girl is in the same grade. What are your thoughts about dating at this age? Rules? I'm planning on talking to him a little bit more this weekend and trying to figure what exactly to say. My parents were strict and I want to foster a more open relationship about this than I had with my parents. I'm not exactly keen about dating at this age, but I want to support him too. Help, I need advice!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I went on my first date at 13. His mom picked me up and he and I went to the movies. He walked me to the door and kissed me good night. It was very sweet. We mostly just hung out though as part of a large group at parties and other gatherings.
ETA- my teen isn't interested in dating yet but I will certainly encourage him to. At 13, I wouldn't want it to be very serious but I expect most kids aren't looking for that either.
Just emphasize being kind and respectful.
I'm so not looking forward to first heart breaks but it's part of growing up.


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[vonfirmath]

So, it's finally happened. My oldest DS asked me when I starting dating. We talked a little bit about that. He tells me he likes a girl and that she likes him back [emoji5]. He's 13 and the girl is in the same grade. What are your thoughts about dating at this age? Rules? I'm planning on talking to him a little bit more this weekend and trying to figure what exactly to say. My parents were strict and I want to foster a more open relationship about this than I had with my parents. I'm not exactly keen about dating at this age, but I want to support him too. Help, I need advice!

My kids are younger but have already talked a bit about "Girlfriends and boyfriends" and I replied and talked to them about not having dating relationships until high school -- preferably LATE high school. Because the purpose of dating is to be looking for a partner for life. A marriage partner. "Are you ready to be married yet" (Noooooo) "Then you shouldn't be dating. But hey, its a great time to make friends and learn what you want in a good friend -- both boys and girls. Because that person you marry? It is very important they also be a good friend!" So I'd be okay with a 13 year old going out with a group of friends, boys and girls. But not one on one. If he wants to get to know her better and doesn't have a group to go with, I'd even look at a way to invite her to a family activity. So they can spend time together without the pressure of trying to be romantic.

[petesgirl]

So my parents didn't have this rule, but I think it's kind of a cool rule: tell your child they can't go on a date with the same person twice in a row--so ask someone out, then you have to ask someone else out before you can go out with the first person again. There's got to be a better way to phrase this so it doesn't have that 'can't' word in it!
He may resist this since he is interested in someone specific already but I like how this rule puts dating in the perspective of getting to know several different people with different interests and not exclusively dating while in high school (at least for younger teens).
It's just one thing I'm keeping in mind for when my kids are dating. Also, we will probably have a rule about only double/group dates up to a certain age, not sure what age that would be.
My parents also discouraged us using movies for dates, as they emphasized that more interactive dates will really help you get to know a person and usually end up being more fun anyway! We did things like mini golf, bowling, just going out to eat, going for a hike or picnic, baking something together, etc. And this wasn't really 'dating' but we did a lot of game nights at someone's house at that age (and all through high school really!).

[StantonHyde]

I like petesgirl's advice on doing something besides movies. (I remember lots of making out at the movies...) Doing something interactive is a great idea. He likes this girl and wants to spend some time with her. I prefer that dating start in high school. And I think the group dates etc are a GREAT idea. But sometimes big groups don't work out--they do for dances etc but not necessarily for other activities. So I would try to get him to hold off on dating if I could. Just cuz. If not, then have them do an activity together. Much more fun than the movies.

[SnuggleBuggles]

The making out at movies is some of the appeal. ;) An occasional movie date is ok with me. I assume they get chances to interact and socialize at other points and I'd encourage it if they weren't.


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[vonfirmath]

So my parents didn't have this rule, but I think it's kind of a cool rule: tell your child they can't go on a date with the same person twice in a row--so ask someone out, then you have to ask someone else out before you can go out with the first person again. There's got to be a better way to phrase this so it doesn't have that 'can't' word in it!

This is evidently how my dad dated. He'd sometimes have three dates in one day! (Not often. That got expensive). Would pick a nurse up to go for a walk by the lake. Drop her off at the hospital and pick up a second girl to go eat lunch. Then have a night at the movies with a third girl. It was just spending time together/getting to know each other. None of the ladies had any thought that they were the only female he was spending time with on a one to one basis. According to my dad, this was common in the day. But once he got serious with my mom, he stopped taking the others out. (And he said most of them were not more than one time anyway. He'd figure out that fast this wasn't going anywhere.)

[JBaxter]

My 13 yr old had a girlfriend for a whole year. Their "dates" were... Day off school met at skyzone for 2 hr jump, Met at the Movies for PG13 that DH & I also watched they sat in another area of the theater. Only cheek kissing nothing on the lips and lots of hand holding.

[HannaAddict]

The kids who are "dating" are doing more what Jean said, hanging out and nothing serious. I wouldn't encourage going out with one person and then another. I don't think it accomplishes anything positive and just makes the people being bounced between feel badly. The nurse example was an ick to me. I think dating casually and more than one person was common but not as described.

It is fine to say group events or parents along at a movie, but this is a normal part of growing up and I wouldn't saddle a 13 year old with the idea "dating" is only to find someone to marry. I also wouldn't feel safer with kids in groups necessarily. Kids can surprise you at what can go on even though they are in a group. But generally, if you've raised your child with your values and to treat others with respect and have some supervision and rules to help guide them, it will generally be okay. I also think movies and fine and went on dates to movies and that didn't involve making out. At 13, I don't expect them to have to engage and make scintillating conversation the whole "date" and going to a movie with a date as a teen can be nerve wracking enough. My oldest just turned 13 and said a few kids are "dating" and really means they hang out at school and text.


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[khalloc]

The kids who are "dating" are doing more what Jean said, hanging out and nothing serious. I wouldn't encourage going out with one person and then another. I don't think it accomplishes anything positive and just makes the people being bounced between feel badly. The nurse example was an ick to me. I think dating casually and more than one person was common but not as described.

It is fine to say group events or parents along at a movie, but this is a normal part of growing up and I wouldn't saddle a 13 year old with the idea "dating" is only to find someone to marry. I also wouldn't feel safer with kids in groups necessarily. Kids can surprise you at what can go on even though they are in a group. But generally, if you've raised your child with your values and to treat others with respect and have some supervision and rules to help guide them, it will generally be okay. I also think movies and fine and went on dates to movies and that didn't involve making out. At 13, I don't expect them to have to engage and make scintillating conversation the whole "date" and going to a movie with a date as a teen can be nerve wracking enough. My oldest just turned 13 and said a few kids are "dating" and really means they hang out at school and text.


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I agree with HannaAddict.

I cant imagine encouraging my son to go out with multiple girls before he could go out with the same girl again. That seems kind of awful. I mean, if he had genuine interest and liked multiple girls, sure. but it he didnt, then I just dont see the point, except to make the girls feel bad.

I also think its crazy to save dating for only when you are ready to be married. Really? Let kids be kids. I cant say I'd want my son dating at 13, but I think teenagers deserve a chance to explore their feelings and hang out with the opposite sex. I'd also let my kids go to the movies with a date. Maybe at age 13 or 14? Where we live you need to have someone drive you in order to go to a movie so I cant see it could go that wrong.

My son is 9 now and in 3rd grade and he talks of multiple kids "dating" and I think its ridiculous. How can 8 and 9 year olds date? They are really just using the word date to refer to kids who hang out at school and maybe communicate via text while not in school. Hardly dating....

[georgiegirl]

I agree with HannaAddict.

I cant imagine encouraging my son to go out with multiple girls before he could go out with the same girl again. That seems kind of awful. I mean, if he had genuine interest and liked multiple girls, sure. but it he didnt, then I just dont see the point, except to make the girls feel bad.

I also think its crazy to save dating for only when you are ready to be married. Really? Let kids be kids. I cant say I'd want my son dating at 13, but I think teenagers deserve a chance to explore their feelings and hang out with the opposite sex. I'd also let my kids go to the movies with a date. Maybe at age 13 or 14? Where we live you need to have someone drive you in order to go to a movie so I cant see it could go that wrong.

..

I agree. The idea of making your child date more girls seems ludicrous and will only lead to hurt feelings and confusion. And waiting until marriage, I really hope that my kids date people before they are interested in marriage. Dating is about getting to know people, finding a companion, a good friend, determining what sort of people you get along with, etc. At 13, I'd assume dating means lots of texting and occasional "dates" that are fun activities or just hanging out.

DD is only 11 and has zero interest in boys thankfully. But she starts middle school next year, and my guess is that is when dating/having boyfriends and girlfriends starts.


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[KpbS]

I like petesgirl's advice on doing something besides movies. (I remember lots of making out at the movies...) Doing something interactive is a great idea. He likes this girl and wants to spend some time with her. I prefer that dating start in high school. And I think the group dates etc are a GREAT idea. But sometimes big groups don't work out--they do for dances etc but not necessarily for other activities. So I would try to get him to hold off on dating if I could. Just cuz. If not, then have them do an activity together. Much more fun than the movies.

This is my take on it too.

[TwinFoxes]

The idea of making your child date more girls seems ludicrous and will only lead to hurt feelings and confusion. And waiting until marriage, I really hope that my kids date people before they are interested in marriage. Dating is about getting to know people, finding a companion, a good friend, determining what sort of people you get along with, etc. At 13, I'd assume dating means lots of texting and occasional "dates" that are fun activities or just hanging out.


:yeahthat: Making someone go out with someone else they're not interested in seems like a recipe for disaster! Middle school has enough drama, do we really need to add more?

The idea that my kids will be ready to start looking for marriage partners in HS... Yikes!

[specialp]

My friends kids are this age and it is what Jeana described - mostly in groups or parents there, frequent but not every weekend, and not serious dating. Think of it as pre-dating. :) I did this as 13, too, but didn't really start dating until 15. I wouldn't overthink it or bring up looking for a marriage partner (yikes!). I would act excited for him and help him on this new type of friendship.

[California]

A friend of mine had this talk with her son, and I had it with mine and it really worked well so I'll share it here. She encouraged her son to think about what dating entails- She said something like "So you can't drive, and you don't really have money to buy dinner for a girl, so what sort of dating are you thinking of? If I chaperone you the whole time is that a date? I'm not going to drive you and pay for the date because it's not my date." Her son started to really think about it and decided that he'd stick with being friends with girls for now. I had a similar conversation with my son, and he decided he wasn't ready to start dating, either. He said something along the lines of, "We would just walk around school together and maybe hang out for lunch. That's not really 'dating.'" I know girls are flirting with him, and he's probably flirting with them, but for now that's as far as it's going. He's putting thought into it and making a conscious decision about how he wants to approach it. If he decided he wanted to text a bunch with a girl and hang out with her at lunch, I'd be okay with that, too.

[Pear]

I wouldn't place a bunch of restrictions on dating. Maybe some big rules like no spending time solo at the others house without an adult present. The most important thing is that he is talking to you. Having that dialogue on-going means that when issues crop up that you could never predict, there are better odds that he will fill you in and you can help him navigate.

I had strict parents. They think I didn't date at all in high school. They are wrong. Luckily I was a good kid who didn't get into any real problems. I hope to have a better relationship with my daughter so she doesn't feel the need to keep secrets.

[Corie]

We told our daughter that she had to wait until high school to date. We just think middle school age is too young. But that
is our opinion.

[bisous]

A friend of mine had this talk with her son, and I had it with mine and it really worked well so I'll share it here. She encouraged her son to think about what dating entails- She said something like "So you can't drive, and you don't really have money to buy dinner for a girl, so what sort of dating are you thinking of? If I chaperone you the whole time is that a date? I'm not going to drive you and pay for the date because it's not my date." Her son started to really think about it and decided that he'd stick with being friends with girls for now. I had a similar conversation with my son, and he decided he wasn't ready to start dating, either. He said something along the lines of, "We would just walk around school together and maybe hang out for lunch. That's not really 'dating.'" I know girls are flirting with him, and he's probably flirting with them, but for now that's as far as it's going. He's putting thought into it and making a conscious decision about how he wants to approach it. If he decided he wanted to text a bunch with a girl and hang out with her at lunch, I'd be okay with that, too.

I really love this. We have a rule that formal dating doesn't happen until age 16 but the way you explain things here is a good way to describe the reasons behind it.

[mmsmom]

Keep in mind that the girls parents may not allow her to "date". I would clarify what he has in mind first, then decide how you will handle. It it may be a moot point if the girls parents won't allow it.