What is rude regarding dinner guests?

[american_mama]

We had a dinner party tonight, and I am wondering what constitutes rude behavior. The guests were DH's brother and his new wife (visiting from out of town for a college reunion), our neighbors, and DH's mother. DH's brother and wife are staying at a hotel, and my MIL is staying with us. We are not big birthday people, but I heard yesterday that today was MIL's birthday, so I made a cake. I think people had a good time: there was a lot of laughing, MIL was very happy.

1.) DH made dinner and he was running very late. Dinner was served at about 8:20 or later. Just after 9 pm, someone said let's have birthday cake, I made a homemade one. About two minutes later, BIL and wife said it was too late for them, they were exhausted from reunion, and had to leave. They left without even singing MIL Happy Birthday. They saw me sticking birthday candles into the cake in the kitchen, so they knew how close we were to eating dessert, but they didn't stay. Rude?
2.) DH somehow disappeared in the round of goodbye's. Cake was on table with candles, the remaining 8 people in the house were gathered around the table, and eventually MIL finds him downstairs watching TV..... with our 3 neighbors still in the house and his mom still not having had her cake. Rude?
3.) After singing and serving cake, as people were about halfway through eating, DH said he's exhausted, goodbye to all.... and left to lie down. We still had 3 guests in the house - guests DH invited. I was flabbergasted. Shouldn't both hosts stay present with their guests until all have left?

My opinion is skewed because I am night owl, as our my kids. I can't imagine ending the night at 9 pm, or before the coup de gras of cake and happy birthday, or being so tired you say goodbye to your guests while they are still in your house. So I thought I would ask others.

eta: BIL and his wife arrived at about 6:45 or a little after. Neighbors arrived at about 7 or a little after. BIL's wife mentioned as they were preparing to leave, just after 9, that "they'd already been here an hour longer than she had expected." Which meant their plan was to be at our house for 1.5 hours total? That was the only time they spent with us during the weekend. They live several states away, so it's not like we get many opportunities to see each other.

Yes, DH had a number of problems related to preparing the food. I tried to prevent them the day before by offering to handle dinner, since DH had to work Friday night. I knew doing everything the day of the dinner party was likely to lead to disaster. He refused. There was a lot more, but I just washed my hands of it.

[JBaxter]

It would have been to late for us. I'd have probably packed up and headed home by 9 also but 820 would have been crazy late for us to eat dinner anyway. 730 is pushing it for us. But your DH leaving is weird

[Philly Mom]

I think having people over for a dinner and making them wait until after 8 to eat, unless you had a cocktail hour with appetizers, is late. I would have been frustrated if I had a long day. My DH tends to run late when he cooks for others and it drives me crazy.

As for the guests, they could have stayed to sing but they might have thought they would get stuck.

Your DH was rude. Again, it's something I could totally see my DH doing. He loves to cook but it exhausts him and I think he has minor depression issues which sometimes leads to behavior like you described. Still rude and I would address in the morning and be pissed off.


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[hillview]

It all sounds somewhat rude to me. When did they show up? If they arrived at 7 not a big deal but if they came before that's super late.

[SnuggleBuggles]

It all sounds somewhat rude to me. When did they show up? If they arrived at 7 not a big deal but if they came before that's super late.

Those were my questions and thoughts. If you made them wait a long time then the rudeness scale tips to you, not them.


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[Corie]

It all sounds somewhat rude to me. When did they show up? If they arrived at 7 not a big deal but if they came before that's super late.


Yes, I agree. I really can't imagine going to someone's house for dinner and not getting served until 8:20pm. I would have been
"hangry" by then.

Your husband's behavior (in my opinion) was also extremely rude. Going downstairs to watch tv and then leaving guests to go to bed is
really really rude. I would have been mortified by my husband's behavior and apologized profusely to my guests.

[smilequeen]

Your BIL was certainly not ideally polite (so yeah, a bit rude), but I'd probably let that go. Your DH was rude.

[specialp]

If they were there for a while, I do not think BIL/SIL were rude to leave when they did. If dinner ran late, they were probably already leaving later than they anticipated. It was a good transition point to leave before dessert. I would be dead on feet after a full day of a reunion and a late dinner party.

DH was horribly rude. You do not leave with guests in your house. He was tired, but I bet the others were, too.

[DualvansMommy]

We host parties often, and different types suiting to our guests dynamics too. For the late dinner party, I would think it's rude of your BIL to leave ONLY if the guests knew it was a "late dinner" party and already had prior appetizers before. BIL could have only stayed for the early part to enjoy appetizers and to wish the mother his birthday greetings then leave cuz had a long day.

But if they didn't know and assumed dinner was being served at more of reasonable hour, then no it isn't rude to leave. I would have been hangry with a major headache by that point, especially if I was served a drink or cocktail.

DH watching tv downstairs away from the guests ANd leaving to go to bed essentially while party was still going on is quite rude. I'm a night owl like you, but my DH isn't. He would have stayed up till last guest left and hit bed immediately, while I would stay up to clean. Did he give you explanation this morning what really happened?


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[KrisM]

When was dinner scheduled to be? If it was supposed to be on the late side, maybe 8 or so, then I think the BIL leaving at 9 is a on the rude side. But if it was dinner at 7 or earlier, I can see him wanting to leave at 9. If you stay to sing, then you end up there for eating the cake, etc and you've tacked on another 30 minutes, so leaving before that all started was probably better.

I think your DH was rude in both things. I can't imagine just disappearing to go watch TV when we have guests. Going to bed shortly past 9 while having guests there is weird, I think. If the guests were your friends and it was 11pm or something, i could see it. But if he invited them? Just odd.

[mom2binsd]

We often have dinner that late with friends, am assuming they knew that a s you had something to munch on before serving dinner. Is your DH antisocial, I can't imagine going to watch TV leaving you and the guests and then wanting to go to bed that early when you have guests very odd, I mean it was 9pm on a Saturday, not 11pm. The BiL leaving, we'll, maybe they had a babysitter to get back to? Seems strange to me to leave like that.

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[doberbrat]

I would have been beyond mortified about DH's behavior I think BIL should have stayed 2 min to sing happy birthday -isn't it HIS mother?? and then left before cake was served/eaten.

We're all night owls too so while I think 8:20 was a bit late for dinner, having dinner at 8p does not sound at all odd to me. I remember when all 'adult' dinner parties would be that late. Kids ate in the kitchen earlier and were sent to bed; dinner was served in the dining room.

[mommy111]

Bil: not rude. It sounds like a long day for them. DH: rude. But it is what it is. I would pick my battles.

[mikala]

When was dinner scheduled to be? If it was supposed to be on the late side, maybe 8 or so, then I think the BIL leaving at 9 is a on the rude side. But if it was dinner at 7 or earlier, I can see him wanting to leave at 9. If you stay to sing, then you end up there for eating the cake, etc and you've tacked on another 30 minutes, so leaving before that all started was probably better.

I think your DH was rude in both things. I can't imagine just disappearing to go watch TV when we have guests. Going to bed shortly past 9 while having guests there is weird, I think. If the guests were your friends and it was 11pm or something, i could see it. But if he invited them? Just odd.
I agree with this and also wondered when the event started.

I cannot fathom slipping away from an event I'm hosting to go watch TV by myself, especially in the age of DVRs when you can watch pretty much any show later.

[dhano923]

So, your DH made dinner late, slipped away to watch TV while you had guests, and then took off for bed while they were still there? Your DH was very rude. If I was a guest, I would be offended that you and DH invited us over for dinner and then couldn't feed us on time nor be bothered to sit with us.

As for BIL, you assumed that since he saw you putting candles on the cake, he should have known you were about to cut the cake. For all he knew, you were putting on the candles and weren't going to cut it for another 30 minutes. You should have told him you were going to cut it then and ask them to please stay another couple minutes.

Sorry to say, but you and DH were not good hosts.

[ChicagoNDMom]

I cannot imagine my DH doing what yours did. Unbelievably rude. As for the BIL, he is the guest, not the host and he and his wife gave a perfectly reasonable excuse for their departure. Like others, I am intrigued as to when you asked your guests to arrive. If it was before 7:30, you fed them too late.

[boogiemom]

I cannot imagine my DH doing what yours did. Unbelievably rude. As for the BIL, he is the guest, not the host and he and his wife gave a perfectly reasonable excuse for their departure. Like others, I am intrigued as to when you asked your guests to arrive. If it was before 7:30, you fed them too late.

^^^ I'm in complete agreement.


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[BunnyBee]

Was your DH ill or something? That is super weird. And super rude. It's HIS family. He needs to entertain them.

BIL borderline rude--I mean, wait a few seconds, sing, and leave. But he/his family could've just been done and needed to get out.

[klwa]

For me, supper being served at almost 9 o'clock would be unbearable. We generally eat between 5-5:30, with 6 being late. Especially since you mention that your DH was running late with the meal, I understand BIL wanting to go. As others have said, just because you were putting candles in the cake didn't mean that you were going to serve the cake right away.

As for your DH, yes, he was rude. However, I'm wondering if he was upset over something not going right. (Once again, you mentioned that he was running late with cooking. Did something mess up?) If so, while it doesn't excuse him from his hosting behavior, I can understand the desire to walk away & get calmed down for a bit.

[ilfaith]

When was dinner scheduled to be? If it was supposed to be on the late side, maybe 8 or so, then I think the BIL leaving at 9 is a on the rude side. But if it was dinner at 7 or earlier, I can see him wanting to leave at 9. If you stay to sing, then you end up there for eating the cake, etc and you've tacked on another 30 minutes, so leaving before that all started was probably better.

I think your DH was rude in both things. I can't imagine just disappearing to go watch TV when we have guests. Going to bed shortly past 9 while having guests there is weird, I think. If the guests were your friends and it was 11pm or something, i could see it. But if he invited them? Just odd.

I am assuming since your neighbors arrived around 7 pm (or a little later) that the party was scheduled to start at 7. If I were invited to a dinner party at that time, I wouldn't expect to sit down at the table until around 8...assuming there would be some sort of cocktails and appetizers (at least cheese and crackers, chips and dip, or crudite) to to hold me over (and soak up the booze). I understand that things can sometimes be delayed in the kitchen (I've made things that have taken longer than expected to be "done")...but it does seem your husband was a bit stubborn in his refusal to let you help with the food prep.

While I think the in-laws were a bit rude in their hurry to leave your dinner party (if their plan was to stay under two hours) especially before their own mother's/mil's birthday celebration, it's not nearly as rude as your husband's disappearance to go watch television, or his cutting out of the party early to go to bed. He's the host...the guests are his family and friends...he is absolutely obligated to stay until the last guest has departed.

[hillview]

I am assuming since your neighbors arrived around 7 pm (or a little later) that the party was scheduled to start at 7. If I were invited to a dinner party at that time, I wouldn't expect to sit down at the table until around 8...assuming there would be some sort of cocktails and appetizers (at least cheese and crackers, chips and dip, or crudite) to to hold me over (and soak up the booze). I understand that things can sometimes be delayed in the kitchen (I've made things that have taken longer than expected to be "done")...but it does seem your husband was a bit stubborn in his refusal to let you help with the food prep.

While I think the in-laws were a bit rude in their hurry to leave your dinner party (if their plan was to stay under two hours) especially before their own mother's/mil's birthday celebration, it's not nearly as rude as your husband's disappearance to go watch television, or his cutting out of the party early to go to bed. He's the host...the guests are his family and friends...he is absolutely obligated to stay until the last guest has departed.
With your update I agree with ilfaith!

[twowhat?]

I vote rude!!! Why wouldn't they stay for their own mother to at least sing happy birthday and watch her blow out the candles??? Then they could've wished her a happy bday, said that they didn't want to stay for cake as it had been a long day, and head off.

And your DH? Rude!!! He clearly didn't take Host 101.

Sure, maybe your guests were irritated that dinner was so late, but I'm betting you or DH apologized (probably at least once) about the late dinner. BIL could have sucked it up to sing happy birthday to his mother, sheesh!!!

And finally...I'm just guessing but was there no alcohol? Everyone except the neighbors seemed super uptight!

Sorry about your downer dinner party.