PE teacher's body shaming comment to class

[azzeps]

Hi all,

Yesterday DD came to me before her shower and said she was upset because she thought she was fat. I asked her to tell me more, and she said that the PE teacher said something to the effect that he didn't want any "soft serves" apparently to motivate the kids during class? Anyway, she was feeling upset about that. I reassured her. Now I'm wondering if I should write a note to the teacher, and if so, what it should say. I feel that as little girls, they already have so much cultural pressure to adhere to certain standards of beauty and body size. I also think that in PE class, the focus should be on exercise for health and well being, and not to change body size or shape. I have never met the PE teacher, and don't know much about him at all. Maybe he says all kinds of nice things and this was a one time slip. No idea. I am a little surprised he wouldn't be more sensitive, as he has a daughter at the school who is in DD's grade. Anyway, wondering what you would do and how you might word an e-mail, if that's the appropriate course of action.

Thanks

[trcy]

I would say something to the principal. I am not good with wording, but many others here are.

ETA: after reading other responses, I think context matters. My first thought was soft serve ice cream and he was calling the kids 'flabby'. If that's the case, yes, straight to the principal. If it was said while playing tennis, volleyball, etc and referred to the serve...that's different.
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[azzeps]

So go straight to the principal.... that was DH's idea when I told him last night. I thought maybe I should give the guy a chance to respond but maybe not.

[SnuggleBuggles]

How is that body shaming? I thought he meant don't take it easy with your serve, give it all you got. ??


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[trcy]

How is that body shaming? I thought he meant don't take it easy with your serve, give it all you got. ??


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Serve as in tennis? I wasn't thinking tennis...op was it said while they were playing tennis?
I was assuming he meant soft as in flabby.


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[smilequeen]

Context is really important here. Soft serves makes me think of tennis too. What was the context?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Serve as in tennis? I wasn't thinking tennis...op was it said while they were playing tennis?
I was assuming he meant soft as in flabby.


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Yeah, I was thinking that or volleyball. But, I can see the other version now.


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[KpbS]

Soft serve like the ice cream?

[azzeps]

My daughter interpreted it to mean soft bodies. They aren't playing tennis. Or volleyball.

[AnnieW625]

I would think about it as serving a ball (either in tennis or volleyball) and not soft serve ice cream. I would think something different if he said "I want all those fatsos out there to have a harder serve." I might email the teacher for clarification, but tbh I don't think this requires going to the principal.


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[trcy]

Soft serve like the ice cream?

That was the first thing that came to my mind. I never thought about tennis or volleyball.


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[♥ms.pacman♥]

I am confused... How is the teachers he didn't want any "soft serves" body shaming? I assume he was referring to volleyball or tennis or whatever the sport they were currently playing. I am scratching my head to try to figure out what it has to do with body shaming.

I think talking to the principal is jumping the gun waay too fast here. i would get some clarification from your DD first. kids sometimes misunderstand/misinterpret comments, especially after talking about it with their peers.

eta: i just read update from OP. what sport were they playing when he said the comments? i would definitely get more context before deciding how to interpret.

[azzeps]

Ok. I will clarify with DD. But her response was that the teacher was referring to an undesirable body shape. She asked me if that is what she is. She did not say that he was talking about tennis or volleyball serving form. I really don't think she misinterpreted anything. If the teacher had been giving direction on form, and she felt upset about that, then she would have said, "Mr. PE teacher said I'm no good at tennis. My serves are too soft. I don't hit the ball hard enough."

[bcafe]

My first thought was that he was referring to effort. He didn't want any "soft" effort, he wanted 100%. I have never heard this term in reference to body size, only in sports(tennis, volleyball).

[squimp]

I think more context would help. I don't really understand how this is body shaming either. It would bother me if my DD got that message, and perhaps you could convey that if your DD is convinced the teacher was. But I would want more information before I took this to the teacher or principal.

[MMMommy]

I agree with PPs that say that more clarification is needed. What did the teacher mean exactly? What was the context? Your DD could be 100% correct in her interpretation of what her PE teacher said, but I would want to know exactly what was said and the context before escalating.

[egoldber]

My first thought was that he was referring to effort. He didn't want any "soft" effort, he wanted 100%.

This was my first thought as well. He didn't want the kids to be slacking, he wanted them trying their hardest.

[specialp]

I agree with those whose first thought was effort, not about body.

I wanted to add that sports people use the lingo even when not playing or watching the sport so the fact that they weren’t playing volleyball or tennis at the time doesn’t necessarily mean much. If you heard my DH teaching our kids how to cook or do yard work or do anything, you’d think you were listening to a coach coaching a game because of the phrases he uses. Of course, it is entirely possible DD’s interpretation is correct so you’re right to listen and get more context before acting. In any event, I’m sorry your DD felt that way. Intended or not, it’s hard for a young girl to think her body is bad.

[azzeps]

So conceivably, people who are "sports people" could say, "We don't want any soft serves" and mean "We don't want any slackers"?

[baymom]

Add me to those whose first thought was about effort and not body shaming. Also, I think that it's always best to go 'up the chain of command,' so to speak. I'd bring it up with the teacher directly before going to the principal. You will get the clarity you want from talking to the teacher and be able to tell him how inappropriate you felt the comment was. IMO, it's not necessary to 'escalate' until you know for sure that the teacher had body shaming intent or that he is insensitive to how his comments might be perceived by the students.

[DualvansMommy]

Context is so important here, it could also mean when playing golf, soft serve could mean lack of effort in putting or hitting their golf balls.

It was PE after all, so exactly what was being done for your daughters lesson is important to find out. Were they running around? Hitting the ball to improve their aim? Or climbing rope?

Definitely find out more context first before bringing


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[♥ms.pacman♥]

So conceivably, people who are "sports people" could say, "We don't want any soft serves" and mean "We don't want any slackers"?

Yes.

I think my DH before has said things like "Ok, now for the hard stuff, no more softballs" to kids when quizzing them about homework/school stuff..so obviously not talking about softball or not even a sport. Softballs in this context means very easy questions. Soft = opposite of hard/difficult in this case.

I think it is very likely your DD misinterpreted the comment to mean about body type (flabbiness, etc), and not physical effort. I don't think the teacher said anything wrong in this case. But I agree its sad that your DD thinks that, because society is extremely harsh focus on women's body image etc and girls from a young age tend to become obsessed with it. A young kid should not even care about this sort of thing, but sadly it's mostly everywhere (magazines, etc).

rather than talking to the teacher I'd focus on giving your DD the tools to think about positive body image. My DD is in kindergarten and the other day she said how another kid in her class told her tummy was big and she looked fat. (my dd is 40 lbs). DD said "that's mean, right?" and then went on with her business.

[DualvansMommy]

Context is so important here, it could also mean when playing golf, soft serve could mean lack of effort in putting or hitting their golf balls.

It was PE after all, so exactly what was being done for your daughters lesson is important to find out. Were they running around? Hitting the ball to improve their aim? Or climbing rope?

Definitely find out more context first before bringing


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[JElaineB]

So conceivably, people who are "sports people" could say, "We don't want any soft serves" and mean "We don't want any slackers"?
Yes. I think you should discuss what the comment meant with the teacher if you feel the need to address this beyond discussing it with your daughter.

[*myfoursons]

Agreed that you have to talk to your daughter about context. I can't imagine this was a body-shaming comment. If so, it's totally bizarre. I first thought about volleyball, too. I would never take it to mean something about ice cream and flabbiness.

Even though I'm a mom of boys, I'm really working on building them up so comments don't bother them as much. One brother called the other fat. Obviously, brother who name-called was in trouble. But I talked to my other son about the fact that words can hurt, yes, but he's going to hear a lot of mean comments in his lifetime. I want them to cultivate a roll-off-my-back mentality, instead of taking every comment and looking for hurtful intent.

[petesgirl]

So conceivably, people who are "sports people" could say, "We don't want any soft serves" and mean "We don't want any slackers"?

I'm not a sports person really but that was my first thought when I read the post. I would probably email the teacher, letting him know that DD was upset because she thought he was calling kids fat and could the teacher please clarify the phrase? A totally non-threatening, info-gathering type of email. But I think whatever way he said it he should know the reaction it caused so he can avoid that in the future.
I will also add that Jr high PE class is where I started developing body image issues. I was chubby, not good at sports and not fast at running the mile. We had to take weekly body fat % measurements and our weight in front of all our peers and I absolutely hated it. I also had mostly male teachers that were not sympathetic to girl's issues at all. Ironically, I think my teen years were more sedentary because of my PE experiences because I was very reluctant to do anything active because I was totally embarrassed about my body. So definitely stand up for your DD when it seems appropriate!

[twowhat?]

My DDs are the same age and I would be shocked if they were able to interpret a comment relating soft serve ice cream to body flabbiness. I'm guessing the PE teacher was talking about giving it your all, no soft serves. Even if they weren't playing or learning about volleyball/tennis/etc at that time, he could still make a comment like that and mean it in a general sense. "We always give it our best shot no matter what, no soft serves, now let's get out there and have fun!"

I do agree that it's really sad that your DD interpreted the comment that way:( Says a lot about the social pressures on girls to have that perfect body type. I'm so sad for her!!!

[hillview]

It seems pretty unlikely that it was a body shaming thing. It isn't a term I've heard used ever in that context. I have heard it as a sports thing tied to tennis volleyball etc. frankly soft serve has lower calories and fat than hard ice cream :)

Personally I'd ignore it and I'd work to help dd with any background body image issues if she has them. If there is something more clear that the teacher says that is body shaming I'd take it up with him.

[schrocat]

I would never ever relate the comment soft serve to body shaming. It's more of a lack of effort thing.

I would be concerned that my daughter would interpret it as a body shaming thing though if that happened.

[specialp]

So conceivably, people who are "sports people" could say, "We don't want any soft serves" and mean "We don't want any slackers"?

We don’t want you just getting by. Soft is still effort and still getting the job done (ball is served), but not your best effort or even great effort. Just things people say that are about focus or effort even when not directly talking about the sport - keep your eye on the ball, swing for the fences, hardball questions, etc. That's what I meant.

[hbridge]

I would contact the gym teacher and let him know how your DD interpreted his comment. He may have meant nothing about body shape; it will give him a chance to re-phrase the next time! So, give him the benefit of the doubt, but also, let him know how the comment was interpreted and that interpretation is potentially damaging to the girls in the class.

[MamaSnoo]

My DDs are the same age and I would be shocked if they were able to interpret a comment relating soft serve ice cream to body flabbiness. I'm guessing the PE teacher was talking about giving it your all, no soft serves. Even if they weren't playing or learning about volleyball/tennis/etc at that time, he could still make a comment like that and mean it in a general sense. "We always give it our best shot no matter what, no soft serves, now let's get out there and have fun!"

I do agree that it's really sad that your DD interpreted the comment that way:( Says a lot about the social pressures on girls to have that perfect body type. I'm so sad for her!!!

ITA with this. I would suspect the comment was intended to mean this.


I would contact the gym teacher and let him know how your DD interpreted his comment. He may have meant nothing about body shape; it will give him a chance to re-phrase the next time! So, give him the benefit of the doubt, but also, let him know how the comment was interpreted and that interpretation is potentially damaging to the girls in the class.

However, I also agree with this. It would be important for the gym teacher to know about and be sensitive to the body image issues that are developing or already circulating among the students.

Your feedback could serve as a catalyst for him to give a little pep talk to the students communicating these concepts:
-being active is important for health
-doing your best in play is a good thing
-all body types can enjoy activity and have health benefits from being active
-everyone is encouraged to participate to their best of their ability regardless of individual proficiency (inclusiveness)

Sometimes I do not love coach jargon because my "best effort" might be your "soft serve" and I do not always think these comments promote the inclusive environment that I personally want to see in PE or rec sports.
But, I do not think the PE teacher was trying to body shame. It could be seen as "ability shaming."

[mackmama]

I haven't read all of the comments, but it sounds like your DD interpreted it in a body-shaming way which is what's important. That needs to be processed with your DD (and maybe buy some books that celebrate all body types in girls to reinforce positive body image). I'd talk to the PE teacher regardless. I'd mention how your DD took his comment and ask the PE teacher to clarify/re-frame his intention to your DD.

For the record, I'm a past serious tennis player, and unless they were playing tennis at the time, I'd likely interpret it as your DD did. His comment could have been an off-the-cuff comment about a tennis/volleyball serve but, based on a lot of experience with coaches, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a body comment.

[doberbrat]

I also agree that it was likely meant as an 'effort' comment rather than body shaming but wanted to add that I'd try to talk to the PE teacher in person or via phone rather than by email. I think it would be a difficult 'conversation' to have over email.

Personally, I'd probably talk to my child instead. Like myfoursons - I'd like negative comments to roll off rather than be focused on.

But my perspective may be off b/c my kids have a truly awful gym teacher. He'd never agree to meet with me so it would be a fruitless effort. And going to the principal would be useless b/c he has tenure - achieved before the current administration came on board so their hands are somewhat tied.

[Kindra178]

I agree that it was effort related comment. I will add that coaches are sometimes hard on kids in an effort to motivate. For example, my kid plays travel basketball. The coach's nickname for one of the slowest runners is Forever, i.e. That he takes forever to run suicides. It's funny, Forever is actually not the slowest runner on the team.


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[sariana]

I would never in a million years construe "soft serve" to be body shaming. This thread has been fascinating.

If anything, I would equate "soft serve" with "pulling punches." But of course context is really important here (and always!).

[llama8]

I would in no way ever think that soft-serve refers to body shaming from a gym teacher. I would think it had to do with slacking or the about serving a ball in a sport. You may want to reach out to the teacher to clarify, but I see no reason to go to the principal about it. It sounds like a misunderstanding.