The land of nannies and aupairs

[mackmama]

I'm feeling a little pissy today. We live in an extremely HCOL area, and most mothers don't work. Almost every family in our small town has FT nannies or live-in aupairs. Is that the norm where you live? I'm struggling with this. Part of me questions whether I'm just jealous of others having help and, while I think that may be part of it, I don't think that's my main struggle. I'd truly like to understand why people have nannies and au-pairs when there is a parent who doesn't work. These parents have 2-3 kids. Even if we had the money for a nanny or au-pair, I still don't think I'd want one. I love being so actively involved in DC's life. (I've been a SAHM since DC was born and just returned to PT work.) I totally get that it's important for moms/parents to get breaks and there's nothing wrong with having help... but it's the attitude of entitlement and acting like it's just expected around here that's really bothering me. At school pickup, I am usually the only other mom among a sea of nannies. I'm friends with some of these moms, but I'm feeling very confused and kind of put off by our different parenting values.

Another example, our school had spring break a couple weeks ago, and all the moms were asking each other "So where are you going for break?" It was expected that everyone would be traveling (we didn't) and to exotic and expensive places. Our town was a ghost town over break while everyone went to luxury resorts. Admittedly, I wish we could afford to charter a jet to the Ritz :) but we're in a very different income bracket than most in our town.

I love where I live for many reasons, but the parenting values are starting to really feel different to me. Curious if others experience the same stuff where you live?

[BunnyBee]

If I could have afforded a nanny, you betcha I would've hired one to help. Probably part time. It would've been fantastic not to juggle naps with pickups and trying to take one child to an activity while entertaining the others. Homeschooling would be so much easier! I could get a haircut or go to the dentist without an epic search for childcare.

Anyway, the people in my immediate area only have full time childcare if both parents work. Friends of ours through DH's work have full time nannies and housekeepers with one child and a SAHP. Nanny even goes on vacation with them! The mind boggles at the cost, but whatever.

[JBaxter]

No not at all. I know one mom who has a full time nanny but she is an orthodontist and her DH is a periodontist I think she works 4 days a week. I know no SAHM with nannies. Lots of people travel for spring break here We were getting company so we did not this year.

[Philly Mom]

People here have them for several reasons, though most would be part time sitters vs full time. One parent works part time. There are multiple kids with multiple activities and the mom can't be in more than one place at a time. The mom wants a break everyday for time for her. I am sure there are more reasons.

It is not overwhelmingly common here but definitely happens. It doesn't sound like you like where you live. Could you move somewhere else?


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[bisous]

That isn't the norm where I live. I'm trying to figure out our area. I think we have a good mix of SAHMs and WOHMs and all kinds of combinations in between but I don't know anyone with a nanny that does not have two working parents. I don't live in a particularly wealthy area. I used to live in a much more affluent one. I didn't notice a huge difference TBH except the moms in the wealthier area were more fashionable and had nicer cars and homes. It must be that my area was not quite as nice as the one you live in maybe?

I really do feel like I want to be the one primarily involved in the parenting but sure I'd LOVE to have help if I could afford it. Still, I don't know that I'd want a full time nanny. I just think I like being my kids' "people" if that makes sense. I really am not judging them, I just have a preference for myself. I think like so many things different strokes for different folks. I feel like maybe for you if you just had a few friends who parented and spent time like you it would make it feel much friendlier and happier. Finding your tribe can be hard. Maybe as your DC gets older you'll meet more moms that feel as you do?

Maybe it would help to phrase it in terms of parenting preferences? Your friends prefer to have considerable help from a nanny. That is just fine for them but you prefer something else for your family. Both of your are just fine doing what suits you best but I do think at some point the logistical differences in how households are run can make friendships more difficult. But I also think that over time these difficulties always morph and change. I'd say to love your current friends but keep your eyes open for other moms that you can spend time with in the way that you'd really enjoy?

[mackmama]

Maybe it would help to phrase it in terms of parenting preferences? Your friends prefer to have considerable help from a nanny. That is just fine for them but you prefer something else for your family. Both of your are just fine doing what suits you best but I do think at some point the logistical differences in how households are run can make friendships more difficult. But I also think that over time these difficulties always morph and change. I'd say to love your current friends but keep your eyes open for other moms that you can spend time with in the way that you'd really enjoy?

This really helps, thank you. I like that reframe. You're right in that it also poses logistical problems since these friends are always available to do stuff with each other without kids. Interesting dynamics. As you say, different strokes. It's interesting to see how people choose to live their lives. I think you're also right that I'd feel a lot differently about it if I found a few moms who matched our lifestyle. Thank you...

[hillview]

not the norm here. that said we do need 2 people to pick up and drop off both kids (one is in a school about 30-45 mins from home and one is in a school almost across the street) school starts and stops at about the same time and then they are both in sports that start and stop at different times and are in different places. When DH gets working again we may need a nanny/au pair or TWO (ARGH).

[Kindra178]

Mack, you are a mom to one relatively young little girl and you stay home. I don't think I know anyone who is a mom to one who has full time or even half time sitter in a hcol location. The moms I know with regularly scheduled sitters who don't work have multiple kids, spanning several years, and kids in many activities. I am not sure why you consider having a nanny is a parenting value?

[georgiegirl]

The only people who have nannies here are parents who both work high-power jobs. The only exception to that is one SAHM who had twins (then another kid 3 years later) and had a part-time nanny. They are really rich and live in a home that costs about 4 times what mine does (and my house is pretty nice). She doesn't have a nanny anymore (kids are 11, 11, and 8).

[smilequeen]

I have 3 kids and if I didn't have super involved grandparents living 15 minutes away, I'd have a nanny afterschool. My afterschool hours are packed full. I can't get 3 kids in 3 places all the time by myself. Yes, many SAHMs and working moms have nannies around here. Not really the moms of onlies, but those with 3 or more, definitely...2, sometimes. I used to pay to take my mom and dad with us on spring break when my youngest was too little to ski. Now they stay home or do their own trip because we're fine on our own. Everyone is different, and life with multiple kids, SAHM or not is different than life with an only in terms of how you can divide your time. It can be downright impossible to do it alone if you have super active kids.

[candaceb]

I have a friend who was on the short-lived show Beverly Hills Nannies. She had a nanny when both kids were home (they are now both in school full-days) so that she could maintain the lifestyle she had before kids - manicures, lunch with friends, charity work, gym/trainer, etc. She loves her kids and is very involved with their activities, but wanted flexibility and to do less around the house.

[jgenie]

It's not unusual in our area. I have SAHM friends that did all the childcare themselves except for occasional date nights. I have SAHM friends that have nannies / au pairs. I didn't have help when my kids were little but looking back I really wish I had looked for help. It would have made the logistics so much easier and I would have been so less stressed. Different strokes for different folks. As your DD continues in school her network will expand and so will yours. Hopefully you'll find better matches for yourself with that expansion.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

My kids are far apart in age and I used to be more judgement about some parenting things. Having a second totally opened my eyes and gave me a lot more tolerance and understanding. I wouldn't have a nanny if I weren't working but I can see why people do. I have help too (grandparents and dh doesn't work crazy hours like some dhs on this board) so I haven't had to go it alone.


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[trcy]

I only know one person IRL with a nanny. She is a friend in another state. Both her and her DH work full time and can have unpredictable schedules. Traditional after school programs would not work for them.
I live in a MCOL area. There is a mix of SAH and both parents working families. I don't know anyone here with a nanny. I depend on my mom a lot even though I don't work. No way could we afford a nanny, so without my mom's help I would be 'stuck' often.


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[gymnbomb]

I live in a MCOL area where at least in our circles most families have two working parents. We know a few who have a SAHM, but they don't have regular childcare. Most people send their kids to daycare or after school care, a couple have nannies but usually drop those when the kids go to kindergarten.


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[gatorsmom]

People hire nannies and au pairs for different reasons. It doesn't always mean the mother doesn't want to spend quality time with her kids. i had a nanny to take care of my 2yo and 4 yo sons when I was pregnant with my twins on the advice of my OBGYN. We kept her after the twins were born so I could breast feed my twins and then so I could leave the twins home with her and I could do activities with the 2 and 4yo. I was a Sahm. We hired a full time nanny again when twins were 18mo so I could go to chemo treatments with my dad. We kept her around after he passed away so I could settle his estate and clean out my parents house. Would I rather have been spending time with my kids instead of sorting through 40 years worth of sentimental stuff from my childhood home? Absolutely. When I mentioned to people that my kids had a nanny i frequently got raised eyebrows. I ignored them.

I have a friend who has a nanny to help take care of her autistic child so she can spend some time with her older children. Otherwise, her autistic child requires full-time care. I have 2 other friends who chose to put their kids in daycare so they could go back to work because they hated being SAHMs. They felt their children would benefit more from the mom being happy and fulfilled instead of stir crazy at home yelling at their kids. Both these moms' kids are grown, well-adjusted and happy. What works for one mom doesn't always work for another.

[mmsmom]

I live in a suburb of a major city and nannies are common here though less so than in the city. I had a full time nanny while also working full time. When I left work I had a part time nanny for about 3 years (15 hours/week). I sometimes got an eye roll from people when they realized I had a part-time nanny and then in the next five minutes they would mention their mother-in-law who lived around the corner was coming to babysit that night. It was frustrating because we have no family here at all so a sitter was my only option for help.

I have a friend who has always had au pairs. She does not work but her husband travels every week and she has a special needs child. She started with au pairs so her children could learn another language. Some of the moms you see may work part time or have other circumstances going on- you just never know. I don't think having full time help means you aren't involved in your children's lives.

[DualvansMommy]

I live in a fairly well off area where it really seems to be a mix across the board. SAHMs doing it all themselves with little help from grandparents, to aftercare nannies/sitters for school pickup and activities for the 2-3 kids while mom takes the other kid, to fulltime nanny while mom is SAHM or part time employee (usually of her own business) Quite few of my neighbors DH works on Wall Street, Pharmartist, Dentist to speacility surgeons. That means those husbands are rarely home, so i would totally do the nanny route if my DH had a job with long unpredictable hours like my neighbors. In fact, I may very well hire a regular sitter to help me with my evening actvities once my boys are fully involved in sports and activities, as DH will have retired from his long term job and gone into private consulting in few years time.

My cousin lives a lifestyle very similiar to your neighborhood; she doesn't work, 4 kids and has a full time housekeeper who goes to her house daily all day, but when her kids was younger like my kids age, the housekeeper was their nanny. It meant my cousin can be very involved in her kids private school, sits on several charities committees, etc. She couldn't do any of that if she didn't have her nanny. It doesn't bother me because their lifestyle is very different to mine, and is very common in her neighborhood and her social circle. Here, it really boils down to how many kids each family has, lifestyle of DH work, and how many activities the kids are involved. I really like the reframing suggestions, as i know you only have one DC hence not needing/seeing the need for a nanny/sitter. Think like that, what if you became full time employed, you may very well need some help down the road. As far with the lifestyle the families at your DC school, DS1 school is like that; our spring break is significantly longer than the public school breaks as it meant the families could go away to far away expensive places which many have done. You can always change the school if you're not liking the vibes.

[DualvansMommy]

dupilcate post!

[mackmama]

Interesting feedback. I'm also aware this can be a polarizing topic as evidenced by a few responses. My intention is not to ruffle any feathers, and I do appreciate hearing about whether it's the norm in other places.

I do think choosing to have a nanny as a SAHM is a parenting value. I also think how many kids one chooses to have is also a parenting value. Not right or wrong, good or bad, but it is a value and a choice. If someone chooses to have 4 kids, they know they won't be able to be all places and will likely need help and will be less involved by necessity. Personally one of the reasons (there were many) I chose to have an only was because I wanted to be the one to pickup/drop off, attend all activities, etc.

Sure there are many instances where it makes more sense to me for people to have nannies like some PP mentioned like if there's a special needs child or parental illness. The fact that it's so pervasive in my town is what I'm discussing. I grew up in a HCOL area with multiple siblings, we were all very active in sports, and we had a SAHM and no nanny or au pair. None of my friends have an only, but I have many friends who live in other places with 3 and even 4 active kids and a SAHM with no nanny. They carpool or otherwise figure it out.

Again this isn't about judgement- it's about this town where I live feeling fairly extreme in that almost *everyone* has a nanny or live-in au pair even if one (and sometimes both) parents don't work. I think that is reflective of parenting values. Some may disagree- that's my opinion.

[abh5e8]

Patenting value or not, it clearly reflects a lack of diversity... As only those with very high incomes or substantial​ wealth can even have that as an option. If everyone around you or every one in your dd's school is in that position, it must be a exclusive area.

We live in a very lcol area, I work full time and dh is home full-time + homeschooling. We are considering a party time nanny or sitter next year, so he has more time for the school part. But we could not even consider it if we lived in a more expensive town and I have an excellent income.

[calebsmama03]

Not FT nannies, but there were many SAHMs moms at the school my oldest 2 attended who had a nanny 2-3 days a week so they could have "me time", and the travel thing was pretty common, too. We are comfortable with me at home, but have to watch our budget and save for things like vacations and I will probably take on a part time job when #3 is in full day school in the fall, so we were definitely "low income" there! lol Now we are at another school across town and it is SO much different. There are lots of free lunch kids and fewer SAHMs in general. I know what you meant in the OP. I wasn't necessarily jealous of the trips and nannies and extravagant date nights and gifts (new iPads and XBox's were the norm every year), per se, but it did make me feel uncomfortable during those conversations. It's part of why I never got very involved in the PTO there- I hated feeling bad about what I have when what I have is pretty awesome, KWIM? I am glad my kindergartner will not grow up thinking it is "normal" for every 8 year old to get an iPhone and that he is somehow deprived for not having one!

[AnnieW625]

In my general neighborhood no, but nannys and or au pairs are common in the beach neighborhood near us and I honestly have no clue if the moms work or not.

We couldn't afford a full time nanny so we did the best we could do so we sent our girls to two in home daycares with wonderful employees. The second one was so good that we didn't even feel the need to send DD2 to an organized preschool (and now DD2 says she wants to be a SAHM who runs an inhome daycare and teaches art, cooking, and reading). We know parents (mainly doctors) who had a full time nanny when their kids were young due to their work hours and what not and I didn't know if they took them on vacation or not as we didn't know them when they had their young kids.

I have 2nd cousins whose father's family were owners of a large Southern California packing company and they always had a nanny and took the nanny on vacation with them, but while it might look like their mom was a Sahm to most people she had a job in the office of the family company, and to this day unless you knew my cousins' history you would never guess that they are multi millionaires; it wasn't till her kids were grown that they got rid of her endless stream of Chrysler mini vans or Jeep SUVs. They are all the most down to earth people I know so you really can't judge a book by it's cover.

Spring break trips always comes up here. A lot of people we know go to Palm Springs, and or Mammoth, and a few go on trips outside of California (DD2 had friends go to Texas, and Florida to visit family) We went to Palm Springs a few times and it was fun, but once we found camps for our kids we decided we would rather take extra time in late August when lots of other kids have gone back to school.

I live in general area with a lot of SAHMs, and working parents who have nannies and while I would love a nanny to pick up my kids after school it is just not in our budget.


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[niccig]

I know what you meant in the OP. I wasn't necessarily jealous of the trips and nannies and extravagant date nights and gifts (new iPads and XBox's were the norm every year), per se, but it did make me feel uncomfortable during those conversations. !

I get what you mean too. There's less in common as life is different. You can't bond over venting about trying to juggle everything with kids if they have extra hands to help juggle. And they have more kid free time to get together and you may not or feel awkward to bring the kids when they don't.

You need to find your own group, and that group will change. I had a playgroup that worked when DS was little as DHs had similar schedule of working late, so we would get together for late afternoon/dinner play dates. One mother tried to join but her husband was home earlier so the timing didn't work for her. I went back to grad school and now work full time and the times don't work. They want to do school drop off then breakfast. I start work at 7:30am. Or they get together on pupil free days so kids (now all 8-12) can hang out, I don't get pupil free days off work and DS goes to aftercare. They've asked me to take time off work, mmm as much as I like hanging out for breakfast (mimosa please), I can't get behind in my work as I'll never catch up. I save days off for when DS is sick.


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[mackmama]

Exactly - thanks for getting it. It bothers me because so many in my town act like such extravagances are the real world rather than having an awareness that they are a luxury most people don't have (or even want).

I find it interesting, niccig, that your friends would ask you to take time off work to hang out. OTOH, I get that they just want to be with you- but on the other it really speaks to me of just not getting it. Some people need (or just choose) to work for a living and need to save time off for stuff like a child's sick days.

I think it's mainly a problem because this is a tiny town, so there's no getting away from it here.

[twotimesblue]

I hired a part-time nanny when DC3 was born last summer. Like the OP, I always wondered why so many SAHMs in my area had help and I really resisted it, but DH was insistent that, with a new baby, 2 kids in different schools and zero family around we needed to hire someone, so I gave in.

Honestly, having the help makes me a better mother! I don't have to drag baby DD around, messing up her naps, when I pick DS1 and DS2 up from their schools. I can ask the sitter to watch one or two kids while I take the other(s) out for an after school activity, an ice cream, a movie, or just some 'mom time'. They all get a lot of 1-1 with me, which was important to me as I resented rarely getting that when I was growing up.

I honestly feel it's made my older kids adjust to the baby way easier than if they had to contend with a screaming infant (she hates the car, especially when tired) several times a day.

When I'm home and the older kids are in school, I do all the baby care so the sitter does housework - it's such a treat to be able to spend my time actually playing with the kids when they come home, versus feeling resentful about yet another pile of laundry.

I work on a freelance basis and even though I cut way back after DC3 was born, if something comes up I know I have a trustworthy person who can look after the kids when I'm off on set. DH has a very stressful job, and it really helps that I don't have to expect him to drop everything when one of the kids is sick etc.

I look back at how much of a martyr I was before and I realize now that having help shouldn't be considered a luxury. It used to be that people raised kids with a 'village' and lots of help from parents, extended family etc... for those of us that have multiple kids and who don't have the luxury of that (free!) assistance, help is pretty much essential. Even with the p/t help, I very rarely get 'me' time, but I'm much less stressed than I was when I insisted on doing everything myself.

[niccig]

Exactly - thanks for getting it. It bothers me because so many in my town act like such extravagances are the real world rather than having an awareness that they are a luxury most people don't have (or even want).

I find it interesting, niccig, that your friends would ask you to take time off work to hang out. OTOH, I get that they just want to be with you- but on the other it really speaks to me of just not getting it. Some people need (or just choose) to work for a living and need to save time off for stuff like a child's sick days.

I think it's mainly a problem because this is a tiny town, so there's no getting away from it here.

No they don't get it and I think it was not thinking things through, as the next suggestion was to meet before I had to be at work. I'm a SLP and work in schools, so you'd think they would know that meant being at school before school starts, like a teacher is there. 2 of them work freelance from home so they're used to more flexibility.

If you can OP, do get help when you need it. When DS was little I used babysitters so I could go to evening things, as DH works late. I learned early on to pay for help as DH couldn't be home on time and I would get resentful that I missed things. Childcare at YMCA was great for me to shower in peace - I did workout but the shower was what got me there.


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[rin]

Like a PP pointed out, I'd be surprised to see more than a handful of people who would NOT hire a part-time nanny/babysitter if they had more than one child (different ages, different activities, etc) and could easily afford it. Both DH & I work full time and we had a full-time nanny when our kids were day-care age (the cost for a full-time nanny in our area is about the same as paying two daycare tuitions). I don't think that a parent needs to be the only adult involved in their child's life, and I've never understood the idea that someone else is 'raising my child' because I choose to send them to school or pay for swimming lessons or have someone else pick my kids up from school. Like several PPs have pointed out, particularly if you don't have family nearby having a nanny come a few hours a week may be the only way a SAHM can make it to appointments or have any downtime during the week.

It may be a difference in parenting values, it may be a difference in income, it may just be a difference in family size, or some combination of all of those. Regardless of what it is, though, it's obviously making it challenging for you to feel comfortable relating to some of the families in the area. I hope you're able to find some people you do connect with! Is it possible for you to consider moving? My family has lived in a number of places: we lived in one city for nearly a decade and never really felt like we connected with people, while we've lived in our current city for almost three years and absolutely love it and feel we've made more friends/connections here than we did in all the years we lived in our former city. I don't know if this is an option for you, of course.

[khm]

It isn't the norm for where I am, for sure. Lots varieties of sitters and daycare and moms helping each other out. Lots of teenagers that are neighborhood kids doing summer sitting (for when the parents are working), we sometimes call them summer nannies, but they clearly aren't what you are talking about.

But, no not full-time au pairs and nannies, there just isn't a market for that. We aren't in a super HCOL area now. We used to be, but that was pre-kid for us. We knew a lot of people with kids, and it still wasn't the norm there, even among the very wealthy people we knew.

I do like PPs suggestions to re-frame. I feel like sometimes we focus on differences and worry too much about what those differences mean about our core character or something. When you just really can't know. If nannies are the norm there, AND they can afford them, then other options like daycare or part-time help might be more sparse there.

There is probably an air of discomfort that is like an elephant in the room. People are self-centered, we just are wrapped up in our own worlds. It sounds like your town is very "the same" and you are a little out of that box. But, assign positive intent for every little thing you can. If you only know them superficially, I'm not sure you can know that they don't have an awareness of their luxury. It is possible they do, and it might make them awkward around those who make different choices for whatever reason, like gatormom said about "the looks" she'd get when she said she had a nanny. I know when I am trying to overcome awkwardness, I come off as haughty. And, trust me, I have no reason or desire to be haughty, I'm just plain ol' socially awkward! Just own your choices and let them own theirs. Accept it as a difference, but not a barrier.

Focus on what you have in common! Kids the same age!

If that can't work, then expand your search area. :) Your small city is apparently exceedingly wealthy, ok, go beyond. Go to kids events, the library, festivals, etc in the towns surrounding. Seek out people whom you feel more in sync with even if they are people who don't go to your school, don't work in your area, etc. There's also nothing saying you can't befriend a nanny or two!

[vonfirmath]

I have a friend who was on the short-lived show Beverly Hills Nannies. She had a nanny when both kids were home (they are now both in school full-days) so that she could maintain the lifestyle she had before kids - manicures, lunch with friends, charity work, gym/trainer, etc. She loves her kids and is very involved with their activities, but wanted flexibility and to do less around the house.

I was just thinking that. In families with lots of income, one stay at home parent, that parent may be heavily involved in volunteering/charity/other non-paid work such that having a nanny allows them to continue to commit to doing those things.

[mackmama]

It isn't the norm for where I am, for sure. Lots varieties of sitters and daycare and moms helping each other out. Lots of teenagers that are neighborhood kids doing summer sitting (for when the parents are working), we sometimes call them summer nannies, but they clearly aren't what you are talking about.

But, no not full-time au pairs and nannies, there just isn't a market for that. We aren't in a super HCOL area now. We used to be, but that was pre-kid for us. We knew a lot of people with kids, and it still wasn't the norm there, even among the very wealthy people we knew.

I do like PPs suggestions to re-frame. I feel like sometimes we focus on differences and worry too much about what those differences mean about our core character or something. When you just really can't know. If nannies are the norm there, AND they can afford them, then other options like daycare or part-time help might be more sparse there.

There is probably an air of discomfort that is like an elephant in the room. People are self-centered, we just are wrapped up in our own worlds. It sounds like your town is very "the same" and you are a little out of that box. But, assign positive intent for every little thing you can. If you only know them superficially, I'm not sure you can know that they don't have an awareness of their luxury. It is possible they do, and it might make them awkward around those who make different choices for whatever reason, like gatormom said about "the looks" she'd get when she said she had a nanny. I know when I am trying to overcome awkwardness, I come off as haughty. And, trust me, I have no reason or desire to be haughty, I'm just plain ol' socially awkward! Just own your choices and let them own theirs. Accept it as a difference, but not a barrier.

Focus on what you have in common! Kids the same age!

If that can't work, then expand your search area. :) Your small city is apparently exceedingly wealthy, ok, go beyond. Go to kids events, the library, festivals, etc in the towns surrounding. Seek out people whom you feel more in sync with even if they are people who don't go to your school, don't work in your area, etc. There's also nothing saying you can't befriend a nanny or two!

How wonderfully put - all of it. I appreciate your words and everyone else's. Really helps... both just to have my feelings seen and with suggestions on reframing. I have become friends with a couple of the nannies actually :), and you're right I need to push harder to expand my friendships outside of this town. Thanks all!

[anonomom]

Nobody I know has a nanny, but I also admittedly have a very narrow circle of experience. Around here, it seems like being a SAHM is itself a luxury. I'll admit that I can be a little blinded to my own privilege at times, like assuming almost everyone travels for spring break or not immediately seeing the problem when a school event is in the middle of the day. :-)

In undergrad, I was a nanny for a family with one kid and a SAHM. I have no idea what the mom did all day, but the reason she didn't work is that she kept following her husband from country to country as his career advanced, and it basically killed her own career. Seeing her experience taught me (a little) not to judge. Plus, they were amazingly kind to me and I loved the kid.

[essnce629]

Exactly - thanks for getting it. It bothers me because so many in my town act like such extravagances are the real world rather than having an awareness that they are a luxury most people don't have (or even want).

I find it interesting, niccig, that your friends would ask you to take time off work to hang out. OTOH, I get that they just want to be with you- but on the other it really speaks to me of just not getting it. Some people need (or just choose) to work for a living and need to save time off for stuff like a child's sick days.

I think it's mainly a problem because this is a tiny town, so there's no getting away from it here.

Where do you live again? East coast? Kinda sounds like my DH's childhood/town growing up (Greenwich, CT). Completely different world than anything I ever experienced as a child or even now as a parent in a HCOL area. DH grew up with a SAHM his entire life and a New York banker father. They had a live-in housekeeper and an au pair who traveled with them on all their vacations to Greece, the Caribbean, etc. His housekeeper would make dinner for him and his brother every night, while his mom wouldn't eat till his dad came home late at night. His mom never cooked, but his dad did, and still does. To this day, they still have a daily housekeeper who lives-in during the week. All DH's friends growing up lived similar lives, had workaholic dads and SAHMs, left to boarding school at age 14, had live in nannies/housekeepers/au pairs, etc.

Even in a HCOL area now the only people I know with nannies are those with 2 working parents. I know a lot of SAHMs and most of us do pretty much everything on our own or have an occasional babysitter. I don't have any family nearby to help out so our weekly housekeeper doubles as our babysitter for the once a month date night, school event, etc. Everyone I know with 3 kids though has family nearby to help a lot.



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[Philly Mom]

Where do you live again? East coast? Kinda sounds like my DH's childhood/town growing up (Greenwich, CT). Completely different world than anything I ever experienced as a child or even now as a parent in a HCOL area. DH grew up with a SAHM his entire life and a New York banker father. They had a live-in housekeeper and an au pair who traveled with them on all their vacations to Greece, the Caribbean, etc. His housekeeper would make dinner for him and his brother every night, while his mom wouldn't eat till his dad came home late at night. His mom never cooked, but his dad did, and still does. To this day, they still have a daily housekeeper who lives-in during the week. All DH's friends growing up lived similar lives, had workaholic dads and SAHMs, left to boarding school at age 14, had live in nannies/housekeepers/au pairs, etc.

Even in a HCOL area now the only people I know with nannies are those with 2 working parents. I know a lot of SAHMs and most of us do pretty much everything on our own or have an occasional babysitter. I don't have any family nearby to help out so our weekly housekeeper doubles as our babysitter for the once a month date night, school event, etc. Everyone I know with 3 kids though has family nearby to help a lot.



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I thought of Greenwich too.


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[carolinacool]

How wonderfully put - all of it. I appreciate your words and everyone else's. Really helps... both just to have my feelings seen and with suggestions on reframing. I have become friends with a couple of the nannies actually :), and you're right I need to push harder to expand my friendships outside of this town. Thanks all!

Totally agree with this! I'm not personally friends with anyone who has a nanny or au pair. I barely know any SAHMS, TBH. A couple of years ago, I was talking to a work friend and she said that the then-group director on our account had an au pair, and I was like "Really?!" We might as well have been talking about her having a billion dollars, it was so far out of our social circle grasp. lol But I'm sure the account director had lots of friends with nannies and au pairs who vacation in Hawaii over spring break. We took a day trip to the zoo. People just run in different circles and I know it would be very hard to be one of the only ones who doesn't seem to belong.

[elbenn]

Again this isn't about judgement- it's about this town where I live feeling fairly extreme in that almost *everyone* has a nanny or live-in au pair even if one (and sometimes both) parents don't work. I think that is reflective of parenting values. Some may disagree- that's my opinion.

This is totally off-topic, so please ignore if you want, but a friend recommended a show called "American Housewife" and it is a comedy that sounds like it is a satire of a town similar to your town. My friend says the show is really funny so you might get a few laughs out of it. http://abc.go.com/shows/american-housewife

[mackmama]

This is totally off-topic, so please ignore if you want, but a friend recommended a show called "American Housewife" and it is a comedy that sounds like it is a satire of a town similar to your town. My friend says the show is really funny so you might get a few laughs out of it. http://abc.go.com/shows/american-housewife

OMG this might be my new favorite show. :) Watching it right now. Thanks so much for the tip - hadn't heard of it before. Totally my town!

[khm]

OMG this might be my new favorite show. :) Watching it right now. Thanks so much for the tip - hadn't heard of it before. Totally my town!

I was going to suggest Big Little Lies, lol. Monterrey.....

The "poor single mom" in the Prius and a shabby rental house fits right in with the a few of the uber competitive new SUV, beach mansion moms. There's a Greek chorus of snark from background beach moms though. It is darkly amazing.

[mackmama]

I was going to suggest Big Little Lies, lol. Monterrey.....

The "poor single mom" in the Prius and a shabby rental house fits right in with the a few of the uber competitive new SUV, beach mansion moms. There's a Greek chorus of snark from background beach moms though. It is darkly amazing.

Funny- a mom friend of mine who just left our school recommended this show to me. I binge watched it. It was also very on the mark in some ways.

[AnnieW625]

Where is American Housewife available for free? I don't have Hulu. I will have to check my on cable company on demand too.


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[mackmama]

Where is American Housewife available for free? I don't have Hulu. I will have to check my on cable company on demand too.


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go to ABC.com and they are on there for free. I can get it on-demand on our cable too. This show is a must-see.