Paying kids for grades

[mackmama]

How would you all feel about this? One of DC's grandparents just gave DC a few dollar bills saying "This money is for you because you got straight A's in kindergarten. Keep it up." I am not okay with it for a few different reasons. 1) DC just graduated kindergarten. That is so young to be aware of grades imo. 2) DC got very positive remarks on the report card, but there were no grades. 3) I don't believe in paying for good grades. That puts an external motivation on achievement. I want to encourage DC to feel internally motivated re achievement. 4) I simply don't want my child grade-driven. DC is very smart, and I strongly value education - but I want a happy and well-rounded kid who enjoys learning, is intrinsically motivated, and doesn't feel excess pressure to achieve. I also think paying for grades actually encourages entitlement and teaches the wrong values.

This grandparent did this without talking to DH or I about it first. A couple days later, I explained to the grandparent that we are uncomfortable with that approach and why. The grandparent's response was "Well this is between me and DC. It's my thing, and I'm going to keep doing it."

I'm not asking here if you'd be ok with the grandparent's blatant disregard for our parenting values/wishes as that will clearly warrant a further discussion between me and the grandparent. I am asking if you'd be ok with a grandparent giving your child money as an incentive for getting good grades.

[JBaxter]

I don't know if you call it paying but we do incentives. My younger 2 are very capable of getting A's We usually set something if they achieve it. Generally something we usually wouldn't buy or do. I remember busting a BUTT to get to my great grandmothers house with my report card she always gave $5 or 10 for good grades She was a retired school teacher who started her teaching career in a one room school. I probably will and I probably won't ask my kids either. I always looked at it as one of those cool things my grandmother did for me.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would be ok with it. My parents sometimes get my kids stuff for good grades. It has impacted their academic motivation at all. They never say, "I need a good grade so grandma takes me for ice cream [gives me $5...]".


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[Kindra178]

Maybe not for kinder. That seems crazy. External motivation works for some kids. Some kids are not internally motivated.


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[rlu]

hell no payment for grades

but I'm ok with grandparent privilege on this.

[JamiMac]

It would be completely fine with me, honestly!


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[Simon]

I voted no, with this caveat. I think for some (middle and high school aged) kids who are capable but unmotivated, paying for grades can be worthwhile. They cannot always understand the long-term ramifications for earning an A vs. a C, and if I find myself in that position with one of my own kids then I will consider paying.

That said, I am in general opposed to paying for grades, especially at that age. I would also have a HUGE issue with a grandparent who took such a defiant stance towards me. Oh heck no to that!

[BunnyBee]

I said no, but I am thinking of the wholesale $10 for an A, $5 for a B thing. The grandparent is way overstepping boundaries! Just give the kid $5 for funsies without tying anything into it!

We have offered incentives for other behaviors including schoolwork but not cash. I reserve tangible rewards for a subject the child is struggling with and actually working hard at over and above normal levels. One DC has dyslexia. When she was working really hard with her tutor at first, we did set up a reward system when she finished a level. For regular subjects, we homeschool and can tie incentives in to the planning (finish the book, go see the movie type thing) and aren't focused on grades yet.

A friend's son is in high school and has pretty severe anxiety. He wants to earn money for a car, and he is working hard at school and therapy. She has other kids, and they can't fit a part time job into their schedule (as she would have to be driving him to and from the job). They have a system set up with the therapist where he is treating school work as a job. He has to clock in and out studying, there are reviews, he gets raises, etc. It seems to be working for them.

[StantonHyde]

Grades are a reward in and of themselves. period. The payment and consequences come during the process. If their grades are poor because they have not turned in homework/classwork, then I take away electronics until the assignment is done. Grades are an expectation, not an option. And it's not like we expect straight As. DS has dyslexia--he is darned happy when he gets a B in Math. For DD, math is hard--a B there is ok. I also don't care so much about grades in specials--as long as they are doing the work. (DD has music theory, Latin, etc etc and both kids have religion)

[123LuckyMom]

I completely agree with all your feelings about paying for grades. Having said that, I wouldn't make a fuss if a grandparent contradicted me in this way. I don't think a grandparent's choice to give a grandchild money, even if it's stated as being for good grades, is the same as a parent setting up a monetary reward system for grades. The way kids feel about and respond to grandparent actions are very different than the way they'd respond to parental rules. It's better when grandparents don't undermine parents, of course, but kids know who shapes their world. Kids know that grandparent indulgences are not the way the regular world works. And if, someday, your child should ask why he gets money from his grandparent for good grades but not from you, you can tell him what you believe and why you made the choice you did, and you can praise him for being a self-motivated learner. The money from the grandparent isn't going to negatively impact his relationship to school work. You will be the one who shapes his values.


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[catsnkid]

I don't do it, but my father has given DS money a few times because he got a good report card. I allow it because my father doesn't really get to interact with DS because he is house-bound due to his medical condition, and it makes my dad happy. I don't think it motivates DS though he appreciates the cash.

[smilequeen]

I don't believe in it and haven't done it, but my kids don't really get grades yet, they get standards based report cards. DS1 will be getting letter grades for the first time when he starts middle school in the fall. I am honestly not obsessed over my kids' grades. I'm obsessed with their work ethic. So maybe, if one of my kids were to get super lazy, I might offer an incentive...I mean, I did offer incentives for my K kid to control his chatty nature last year. So far, they all work hard and are bright and they don't have to be perfect.

I can see my husband's tiger parents doing something like that. I won't let him give them any information other than "they are doing really well." My mom was a teacher and she'd never offer money to my kids for grades, ever. Of that I am positive. I can say I would be annoyed but I'd let it slide and not ever share that information with them again.

[TwinFoxes]

It's never crossed my mind to give money for "grades" (we don't have grades in elementary). I wouldn't care if my MIL did it. Kids know that grandparents do things that parents would never do. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't believe in paying for grades, but I also don't believe in giving my kids suckers every time they leave my house, and my MIL does. It's just one of those things. (She's not local, it's not a big deal for me.) It's called spoiling. I doubt your MIL's few dollars is going to radically affect the way your DD views school and grades.

[KrisM]

I'm not a fan of paying for grades and don't think I would, unless as a last resort to motivate someone to work as they could. If my parents wanted to do something, I'd let them so long as it was reasonable. I'd say no to something like $10/A though. But, $10 for a good report card is fine.

[ang79]

I had friends in high school that earned so much money per A, a smaller amount per B, etc. My brothers and I were just expected to get good grades. But, my mom did try to take us out for a celebratory meal at report card time to show that she was proud of our hard work. My kids don't get actual letter grades yet but they do get good marks on their report cards. I think my MIL may occaisionally buy them a book or some other little trinket and say it is for a good job in school, but actually its just because she likes to give them things. They don't link it to good grades and I'm OK with it, because that's what grandparents are for, to spoil grand kids. When my great grandmother was alive, she would randomly send my girls money in the mail, just because. My grandmother's send money and stickers for Valentine's Day to my girls. They just like to send little surprises like that because it brings them joy, so no big deal to me and my girls always call or write a thank you back.

[anonomom]

I don't do it, but I'm not against it. We do have a special family treat (ice cream or sushi) if the kids have good report cards, but we don't have a fixed definition of what defines "good."

Conceptually, I'm ok with providing external motivation for some kids who may lack an internal drive to care about grades, on the theory that the one may help develop the other.

[AnnieW625]

As parents we don't do this, but it wouldn't bother me if the grandparents did it. I don't think grades should matter until at least 4th or 5th grade. At my kids school letter grades start in 3rd grade.


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[BDKmom]

A few bucks and a general statement about good grades I would be fine with. I have gotten my kids end of the year gifts and presented it with a "for working so hard in school this year" kind of thing. My mom sent each kid $10 this year and said it was "for finishing x grade." She did not ask first and it did not bother me. I don't really agree with the method others have mentioned of going through the report card and giving $x for an A, $y for a B, etc. But I do indulge a lot of things from grandparents in general that others don't, so I guess that colors things, too. I think it is ok for grandparents to allow little things that would be off limits or not done at home. And I agree with 123mom that the results of things done by the grandparents are different than if we do them at home.

[NCGrandma]

Interesting discussion. Back in the prehistoric era, my grandmother usually sent me money for a 'good report card.' I appreciated it but I don't remember it adding any particular pressure, or really varying much depending on the specific grades. I think it was important to her to send it because she lived so far away and we didn't see her often. But my parents did not continue this tradition when they became grandparents, nor did I. My own preference for contributing to my DGDs (besides b'days and holidays) is to "specialize" in researching and giving nice stuff from certain categories. (For years, I was the car-seat grandma, the safety-gear grandma, and I'm now the footwear grandma!)


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[mmsmom]

I always made good grades growing up. It was easy for me. My family often went out for dinner on report card day to celebrate. My brother however struggled and at some point he started getting expensive toys and money for grades. I gave my parents a hard time (jokingly) saying they owed me a fortune. But ultimately although they did not believe in paying for good grades when it came to my brother it was whatever works- and it worked for him. So we do not do it but I will never say never. I wouldn't hesitate if it was what my child needed for motivation.

[specialp]

hell no payment for grades

but I'm ok with grandparent privilege on this.

:yeahthat: I wouldn't as a parent, but my grandparents did this just using any excuse to treat us. Good grades were easier for me than my siblings who excelled in other areas. My $ was for good grades, theirs might be for their performance or art show, or improvement, etc., but we got the same.

[mackmama]

OP here- great discussion, and I appreciate the viewpoints. Makes me think I should consider letting it slide since I hadn't really thought of it from the angle of a grandparent "spoiling" a kid. Thanks for everyone's thoughts and also getting where I was coming from.

[bisous]

I don't do it, but I'm not against it. We do have a special family treat (ice cream or sushi) if the kids have good report cards, but we don't have a fixed definition of what defines "good."

Conceptually, I'm ok with providing external motivation for some kids who may lack an internal drive to care about grades, on the theory that the one may help develop the other.

I totally agree with this. Internal motivation is best but sometimes external motivation can help foster this! I have not done this with my kids in part because only DS1 is getting grades at this point. But I'd consider it as one option.

K is really early to start this and REALLY early for grades IMO, but I agree with PPs that with grandparents it is a little different and I wouldn't be upset.

[cilantromapuche]

1. you are not your grade. I have one kid who earns high, high grades very easily and another who works their bum off and just can't.
2. I tell my kids they have to "do it for them, not for me" and they also have to "want it more than I do".

There are kids who are paid for grades and the parents set the bar low IMO (80) and the kid does exactly that and nothing more. It just doesn't end well. I have 2 perfectionists and they are hard enough on themselves without feeling like they are losing money if they don't perform and I don't want to push them to cheat, etc. to get the grade. DS just went on 8th grade class trip and one kid carried around books to study the whole time, which isn't healthy.

[carolinamama]

We do not pay for grades. Doing well in school is an expectation as we know our kids are capable. We acknowledge the good grades, praise hard work and move on.

That said, I wouldn't be bothered by a grandparent giving a few dollars to reward it. My kids would view it as a fun little something for the end of the year, not a reason to get good grades.

[georgiegirl]

I am not okay with paying kids for grades for the reasons you and other posters have listed. However, I wouldn't have a problem with a grandparent giving my kid a small amount of money or a gift at the end of the year for working hard all year long. Our district doesn't give out letter grades until high school. It's standards based through middle school.


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