Help me change my attitude regard family and travel

[cilantromapuche]

My family is tiny (I only have a brother (and new SIL), father (and new stepmother) and an uncle (lifelong bachelor)). Only my brother has really made an effort to see the kids as they have grown up.
We travel and when ever we go somewhere (at least once a year) he wants to meet us BUT then in turn invites every one else. It's annoying but hard to control. The one that grates on me and shouldn't is my uncle. He was a real momma's boy (I come from a south american family and typical for his generation you didn't move out of the home until you married which means he didn't really until he was mid 40's).
My grandparents past away a couple years ago in their 90's. My mom has been dead for decades. Uncle does have a girlfriend.

The annoying part: He comes and doesn't like to get up early, likes to take his time, isn't organized, etc. I have things to do and plan--he does not. So we are going to cali and yet again he is coming. He likes to sleep in and eat breakfast at diner's because they are very "American". My brother just told me i should rent a car (already reserved) to be big enough to fit him in with our family. I love my uncle. We are visiting him next year but his habits drive me crazy and every year I say that I am done but he has the best intentions, my brother has the best intentions but I am always the one that pays the most in time and money. My brother makes a ton of money and is super cheap. So I pay for most meals because his rationalization is that there are four of us and a couple of them (we pay for my dad as well) that don't eat much (which isn't true). So money and time are my issues.

My brother does not see my point of view. What we need is a vacation where we don't do anything but that is not me, nor my brother which is why we haven't done that.

My mother really held the family together. is this dynamic worth saving or should this be the last family vacay? Next year we will go to visit my uncle in his country so no worries there. Is this a case of me being type a and I should let it go? I need perspective here!

[gamma]

Keeping family together is definitely important; however, it seems your DB isn't rising up to his fair share of the responsibility. Either every other year or for half of each trip, your DB should be fitting Uncle into his vehicle and picking up the tab for Uncle and Dad's meals. Your new mantra can be silently saying, this is once a year and thankfully none of them live down the street!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd probably make plans to be in their vicinity on some future trips but not stay with them. Make your own lodging arrangements. Just book a few activities with them over the course of the trip but don't expect to try and do everything with everyone regularly. Like plan a dinner out for everyone and then maybe one full day activity. Otherwise, do your own thing.


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[klwa]

I have a much larger extended family than what you're listing here, so things are a bit different in my world. (I have 2 brothers, who are both married with kids, my dad, and then 6 aunts/uncles plus about 25 first cousins.) I have never done a vacation with them in my adult life. Not any of them. My mom used to go off with her sisters about once a year when I was a kid, but that was it. Just the four of them and their mom. So, each paid for their own way.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to do at least some of the travel as just you & your nuclear (spouse/kids) family. No brother, no nobody.

And when you all get together, if uncle wants to sleep, etc., let him, but don't let that change YOUR plans. Go & do, and if he misses out because he slept in, that was his choice.

For costs, I'd split it up by who ate what. If it's a meal at the rental, then it's split by # of people, with young kids counting as half a person. Car rentals/house rentals, split by person or by rooms.

And you need to have a talk with your brother. You've been inviting HIM. He isn't allowed to extend that invitation without talking to you first. My bet is, now that he's married, some of these things are going to change, just because he's got someone else to consider. (Does she want to come along with his family every year, etc.) But it's worthwhile to talk with him about what's bothering you.

[niccig]

When DS was little, we did all the traveling to both sides of the family. Exhausting with a little one, and very costly. DS's birthday is Christmas Day, and he had never spent his birthday in his own house. We then started alternating holidays and included our immediate family only vacation. I also won't travel for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, we stay at home for one holiday. Both sets of grandparents weren't happy, but they got over it. We were happier once had some boundaries in place. Knowing we had our own trip to look forward to, makes the sometimes difficult family vacations easier to deal with.

Don't invite your brother, have some vacations that are just your family.


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[DualvansMommy]

since this trip is all booked and planned, i would say go and make the best of this vacation for your own family. Don't change your plans or desire to do things; if all of you are up, ate breakfast (or on way to breakfast) when uncle is still sleeping, i wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt in leaving him behind. That is ON him. not you or your brother, and if anything your brother can tag along later with uncle when he's up and good. Seems to me it may be a good idea to do some activiities on your own and select few with brother and uncle included.

Next year or whenever next time the "family trip" comes up, decline and explain your facts matter of fact to brother. it isn't worth the time, money or aggravation to spend limited vacation time with people you don't enjoy.

[BunnyBee]

Your brother invited the uncle. He can put the uncle in his car and pay for his meals. Get split checks at restaurants.

I wouldn't write off family vacations entirely, but next year, do something that's just your family and see how you feel after that.

[jgenie]

Sorry that wouldn't work for me. I'm happy to do family vacations but the family we travel with are on the same early rise / early bed schedule as we are. If we have late risers along we do separate activities. My guys are up at 6:00 every morning. They would waste half the day if we waited for late risers. We try to do dinner or a pool day together. As for costs, DB invited so he foots the bill or I would stop inviting him altogether.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

Another thought is trying to have a more down vacation. We rent houses on the lake or ocean. Folks swim, boat, play games, read...they do things together and apart. Family units are welcome to splinter off and do their own thing. It's perfect.


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[lizzywednesday]

Oh heck no!

When one person is the only one planning and paying, you're bound to get resentful. (And you have every right to be resentful, OP.)

The suggestions upthread for setting limits are really great! I hope you'll find them helpful.

[HannaAddict]

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[Corie]

Your brother invited the uncle. He can put the uncle in his car and pay for his meals. Get split checks at restaurants.




Yes to all of this!!


Also, if your uncle wants to sleep in, that's fine. But don't wait around for him. You and your family go do your own thing.

[StantonHyde]

I agree with PP. You don't need to change your attitude. Others need to change their behavior. You can't change them, but you can set limits and stick to them--change the way you respond. Your attitude is just fine!!

[niccig]

My sister and her DH are early risers. The night before they tell people their plans and you can join them or not. I would do that with your uncle - we're going here at 9, you can join us or we'll catch up later in the day. And do it.


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[cilantromapuche]

Thanks for suggestions and support. I am talking to brother this weekend and I will be honest. I know he will tell me to relax but this is it.
I was hesitant initially and kept on saying no to this trip and I need to stop being guilted into things and trust my judgement.
Hugs and love to everyone, thank you!!!!