MIL visiting - advice please

[Twoboos]

OK the only reason this isn't in BP is that I'm looking for help/advice. (And I'm SURE I'll be posting in BP soon enough, LOL!)

MIL is coming to visit for 17 days. She just came at Christmas I almost made it thru with no incidents. Almost. With 48 hours to go, she used a derogatory term and I just couldn't let it go. Which led to her storming around and threatening to leave - "Bring me to the airport!" - and ranting about "being treated like this" and "I'm not politically correct!" and "it used to be fine to say that" blah blah blah. And then *I* had to apologize which nearly killed me.

Anywaaaayyy... the last time she came for that long I told DH it was too much. But yet here we are. DH will be taking some days off to make long weekends but can't take two full weeks off. Kids will be here, no camps. What advice do you have (besides wine, LOL!) to make it through these 2 weeks. DH says I just have to not pay attention. Someone told me once (maybe here?) when she's getting annoying get up and go do something else. Go to the bathroom. Check on laundry. Get the mail. Get a drink. Literally just leave the room. It worked pretty well but I need more tools. I have a few things planned those weeks that I'm not changing, so can escape a couple of times.

Three summer weekends taken up by her, I'm so annoyed. Sigh.

[doberbrat]

plan more things to do - Dont you feel a burning need to buy a short term gym membership? Take the opportunity to get your nails done, your hair, drs appointments etc..... afterall, MIL will be there to watch, er spend quality time with, the kids ;)

alternatively, I think Cousin Chuck (as in 2 buck chuck) needs to be a regular part of your day :54: ....... its how we get through our lengthy family vacations!

[acmom]

I agree with doberbrat, schedule a few things for you to do!

Is she able to take kids anywhere on her own? If so, I would encourage her to set up some "dates" with your kids (together or ideally individually so each kid gets a turn and there are more outings for her!). You could have her talk to kids about ideas or supply some that you think would work well.

Are there any activities that your kids will need to do that she might like/need to stay home for? Like swimming or trampoline place or sports or something?

Or maybe all go to the movies a time or two?? An activity for everyone with no talking!! ;)

[trales]

The more prior planning you do now, the happier you will be then. Really noisy crowded kids museums and jumpy house places? Movies, local kids theatre productions, our small town has 2 per week this time of year, beach day, local amusement park, local water park. However, that could get expensive - is she willing to pay for some of this?

Maybe this is a good week to start that major house project, painting all the inside trim, redoing the back yard so you are occupied and she can play board games with the kids all day.

If she makes a comment and you call her on it (and you should) DO NOT apologize. You can say I am sorry I have upset you, but I feel that comment is really out of place in this century and I want to raise tolerant, kind children so that will not be tolerated.

My mother was here a few weeks ago and said something really offensive and got really upset when I called her out on it. She pulled the, we just used to say it was okay when your grandparents said things like that b/c they were an older generation and didn't understand. I told her flat out that she was not stupid, she did understand and I would not be making excuses to my kids for her bigotry.

I totally feel your pain. After a certain age, I think some in that generation feel entitled to act like assholes and be excused for it. Drives me batty. I will not smile and let it slide.

[Corie]

If she makes a comment and you call her on it (and you should) DO NOT apologize.




I totally agree!!

[StantonHyde]

Is DH around those weekends? Then he take MIL and the kids and go somewhere out of the house and leave you at home by yourself. He needs to own that he is leaving you with MIL for the bulk of this time and it is his responsibility to entertain her when he is home. You can do his chores or whatever he thinks he needs to do. He needs to take her off of your hands--even if he thinks it is fine and you should be fine with it etc etc. Heck, send the two of them out to lunch or the movies if you have to. I would have stuff scheduled up the wazoo and I would have a long list of house projects plus an intensive exercise schedule. and then there would be several glasses of wine at the end of the day.

[HannaAddict]

I totally agree!!

Agree. And have told a family member racist or bigoted comments are not tolerated in our house - right after they arrived on Christmas Day (and said something totally racist). They backed down. Do not apologize.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[BunnyBee]

You have every right to set the standard that no one makes bigoted slurs in your house. If she says take her to the airport, call a taxi for her.

[georgiegirl]

I agree not to apologize for calling her on racist/inappropriate remarks. Plan lots of outings for you and the kids. If she can babysit, then plan lots of solo outings. And of course lots of wine. Also, make sure you have a good book nearby and perhaps a Netflix show to binge on, so you have something to lose yourself in if she's driving you bonkers and need a mental break.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[gatorsmom]

Is DH around those weekends? Then he take MIL and the kids and go somewhere out of the house and leave you at home by yourself. He needs to own that he is leaving you with MIL for the bulk of this time and it is his responsibility to entertain her when he is home. You can do his chores or whatever he thinks he needs to do. He needs to take her off of your hands--even if he thinks it is fine and you should be fine with it etc etc. Heck, send the two of them out to lunch or the movies if you have to. I would have stuff scheduled up the wazoo and I would have a long list of house projects plus an intensive exercise schedule. and then there would be several glasses of wine at the end of the day.

ITA with this. My inlaws were just here for 3 weeks. Dh wants boom-boom again at some point in the future so
he has learned that he needs to do the bulk of the entertaining when his parents visit. I went to eat with girlfriends, got my hair done (with full high lights and cut- a full three hours), he told me to stay home and have downtime while he took the kids and his parents to a movie, out to eat a few times and to a video arcade place. It's actually a lot of work having guests, keeping up the house and chores while entertaining them, so while they were out touring, I got housework done in peace. StantonHyde's advice is spot on.

[Simon]

My best friend will stage an emergency so I have an excuse to leave exasperating house guests and get time alone or with the kids at her house. Dh is very good about giving me excuses to absent myself from family activities; we often tag team so one of us is getting a chance to unwind. I also disappear a lot and just putter around the house. Movies, museums, and bowling have been successful activities for me where I can be relatively unengaged without drawing attention.
We had a relative who would come for 2+ weeks at a time several times a year and I finally had to put my food down and state baldly that it wasn't okay anymore. Too disruptive to the kids, my work, family life, etc. We are down to 1 week and it is so much better. Even then its hard, but way better than before.

[California]

Easy for DH to say "Just don't pay attention," when he'll be at work!

Do you have friends with kids who would be willing to get together on regular playdates during the week, or join your little group for activities? When things were tough with my ILs, I used the buddy system and would bring close relatives or friends along. That made a world of difference.

[Liziz]

I like to plan elaborate meals when I have family guests that can challenge my patience....then it gives me plenty of excuse to lock myself away in the kitchen for a long time, and they can't complain b/c I'm busily making them a nice meal! But of course, I enjoy cooking so that works for me, it's probably double pain if you're not a cook....

Other than that, make sure that when you DH is off work, he takes your MIL out and leaves you home free, or gives you the time to go out w/o MIL so you get some space. For the time you're stuck w/ her w/o DH, I'd be planning lots of outings as that would keep me more sane. Even simple things, like a trip to the library...and you can always let her choose whether she'd like to come or not.

Good luck! That's a long time to have anyone in your house!

And don't for a second feel bad about calling her on racist/bigoted speech. I am an exceedingly easygoing person who will put up with almost anything....but that? In my house, in front of my kids? Nope. No way. An honestly, not for you, but because your kids are around and the benefit dramatically from hearing you be unequivocal in the fact that kind of stuff isn't okay. In that ridiculous "take me to the airport" thing from Christmas, I would have gone and got my keys.

Good luck! Come here to complain whenever you need to!!!!

[DualvansMommy]

Since it's done deal then, but Imo you shouldn't have apologized to MIL at last visit. SHE was a visitor to your house, not the other way round. If your MIL can drive, trust her to take kids off your hands-definitely plan several outings up the wazoo! to the movies, bowling alley, local zoo, and science museum. If MIL isn't comfortable driving, consider using uber to get them around to places.

Definitely insist on your DH taking time off from work to take his mother to several outings too. I often use those opportunities whenever my local MIL/FIL visiting to escape into the den to read, the office to catch up on emails or online, or even go upstairs to organize stuff.

[TwinFoxes]

I totally agree!!

Same here. There would be zero chance of me apologizing over something like that. But I don't put up with passive aggressive behavior (she would have found herself on the way to the airport) or bigotry. I know everyone's different, and I don't know your situation, but I just can't have that sort of thing around my kids.

[mackmama]

17 days!??!!? Holy hell.

Time for DH to step up and spend a lot of time with his mom, imo.

Next, sign the kids up for some camps if you can. Then leave the house while kids are at camp. Give DH and his mom some bonding time. :)

If kids can't go to camp, have grandma and DH be on duty regularly for part of each day.

Make plans for yourself now so you get breaks. During your breaks, get out of the house even if you're just driving around the corner and reading a book in the car. Maybe sign up for a class that interests you, go hiking, meet a friend for lunch, clean out our closet, etc.

You might also want to schedule a weekend getaway for yourself during this time. Do a girls trip or go solo.

I also think you should prepare yourself NOT to tiptoe around her. Your house, your rules. Her tantrums are manipulations. Be yourself.

[dogmom]

So, you called her on her bigoted remarks and she threatened to leave? Well, clearly you should do that on day one and make it a 48 hr stay!

Seriously, yes, your DH needs to step up here a bit and take her off your hands as much as possible. I think you can also make some ground rules like, "I will NOT have you saying these things in front of the children because that's not how we are raising them." If she wants to rant when they are in bed or not around, fine. Then you will be freed up to say some things you can't say if your kids are around. I would advise writing out a letter to her about this and sending it before the visit, so you are in the moment when this comes up.

I would also consider looking for someone to help you with a safe place to vent. Clergy, a therapist, a friend with a level head. Honestly, I would also have a very low threshold for telling my DH that we may need to see a counselor if I didn't feel like he was taking me seriously, or backing me up.

[BunnyBee]

So, you called her on her bigoted remarks and she threatened to leave? Well, clearly you should do that on day one and make it a 48 hr stay!

Seriously, yes, your DH needs to step up here a bit and take her off your hands as much as possible. I think you can also make some ground rules like, "I will NOT have you saying these things in front of the children because that's not how we are raising them." If she wants to rant when they are in bed or not around, fine. Then you will be freed up to say some things you can't say if your kids are around. I would advise writing out a letter to her about this and sending it before the visit, so you are in the moment when this comes up.

I would also consider looking for someone to help you with a safe place to vent. Clergy, a therapist, a friend with a level head. Honestly, I would also have a very low threshold for telling my DH that we may need to see a counselor if I didn't feel like he was taking me seriously, or backing me up.

I agree. The fact that he keeps inviting her back after you've said no way makes this is a husband problem, not necessarily a MIL problem.

[Twoboos]

Thank you all for your responses (and commiseration lol). Fun begins in 10 short hours. On the bright side I found out she's leaving on a Saturday not Sunday so that's one day down!

She comes from the west coast (I'm in New England) and bc it's "so far" she has to stay for a long time to make it worth it. :rolleye0014: She will not drive here, we have lots of windy back roads - "I can't see, there are too many trees, how do you know where to go?" - so I have to cart them all around to Michael's or Joanns or the mall or whatever the goal of the day is. She will be doing lots of sewing and scrapbooking projects with the girls. They're not going to camp bc the point of her coming is to hang out with them.

It is a bit of a DH problem. He is totally a mama's boy - talks to her daily. She had a longterm (20+ years) boyfriend who passed away a few years ago so I think she is filling that spot with DH. But he keeps telling me the daily phone calls and long visits keep her from moving here, which I can see. (That would be nothing short of disaster.) But during the whole incident during the last visit, I will say DH totally did step up and told her she was being horrible. Especially bc we were supposed to go out for DD1's bday dinner that night but MIL was too busy being childish and saying she would go home instead. DD1 was crushed and he made her go ask MIL why she wasn't coming with us and leaving early, to pile some guilt on! THAT was fun. (Ok gotta be like Elsa and let it goooooo...)

I should be able to escape the house daily. Although sometimes I try to run out by claiming errands and she asks to come along for the ride. Sigh. I need firm appointments lol!!

Check back in the BP, I should be there by tomorrow morning. :bouncy: :ROTFLMAO:

[doberbrat]

One word hon....... UBER! She cant/wont drive, well even MY mom can manage to get an uber. Pretty sure I've even seen some discounts on groupon recently!

I feel your pain. In a few days, we'll be on the trek for our "family" vacation. 2+ weeks of time with my mom. ..... without the benefit of wifi so I wont even be able to come and complain on bp!

[JBaxter]

I agree call her on her crap. Its your home not hers your rules apply. If she wants to go to the airport tell her you can be ready in 20 minutes please let you know and you'll start the car. Well that's how I roll. Next time tell your DH 10 days max no ifs ands or butts