Helping another child in the bathroom

[mackmama]

DC has a friend who is 6yo who comes over a lot and often needs help in the bathroom wiping. This child always has very soft bowel movements which make a huge mess. It feels a lot different helping a child other than your own in this capacity, and I feel kind of traumatized! The mom apologized to me the first time after her DC mentioned I had to wipe her. I played it down because I thought it was a one-time occurrence. Now it's not though, and I'm starting to dread this child coming over. How would you approach this with the other mom - or do I just need to deal with it?

[rin]

Barring special needs, I feel like a 6-year-old should be in charge of his/her own wiping. They may not be perfect at it, for sure, but for most 6-year-old kids that should 100% be their own project.

Presumably this child attends school during the days where there's no bathroom personal hygiene help available unless a child requires it under an IEP. I'd tell her mother that you're not comfortable helping a child of that age in the bathroom, and suggest that perhaps while the child is still working on bathroom independence she could send some spare clothing on playdates just in case.

[essnce629]

Wow, I have no idea what I'd do! Probably just point out the Cottonelle wipes on top of the toilet for the child to use! I refuse to wipe my own kids' butts once they turn 5!!!

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[SnuggleBuggles]

That'd be a solid no from me. "Do your best, kiddo"


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[DualvansMommy]

I had a girlfriend whose child, same age as DS1 having hard time wiping on her own. She wasn't potty trained with poop until 4 years old though, and she is the kid of one my closest girlfriends though. Even then, I never helped her to wipe! I kept disposable wet wipes in the powder room though, and thats what helped her vs regular toilet paper.

I would bring it up to the other mom, awkward as it may be, because I'm wondering about school hours too.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree. No wiping a six year old who isn't your child. Not only is that yucky for you, but it's unsafe for a child to think it's okay for any adult other than his or her own parent to be helping with an intimate thing like toileting. I'd let the child know as s/he enters the bathroom that you need him or her to wipe him or herself, help by pulling out a few flushable wipes, and leave the bathroom! You can tell the mom in front of the child in an upbeat way that Name wiped him or herself! Maybe that will make the child eager to continue towards independence, and it will also give the mom a heads up that she may want to make sure the child's clean when they get home. If you think it's necessary, you can let the mom know ahead of time that you're uncomfortable and that you'll be asking the child to wipe him or herself. That's up to you.


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[mackmama]

OP here -

So for those who say bring it up to the mom... how?? Can you give me a script? I am so uncomfortable approaching this one, although I'm glad to hear you all agree that I shouldn't have to wipe a 6yo! That being said, I also don't think I'm comfortable having this kid doing the wiping and then spreading poo all over my house since it was abundantly clear how messy it is and how ineffective the child is in cleaning up. It would soak right through pants! Ugh. So I think it's safe to say I'm going to hold off on playdates at my house with this child for now. Do I still need to address it with the mom?

I also wonder about school hours.

[Snow mom]

That'd be a solid no from me. "Do your best, kiddo"



I agree with this and theposter who said that this is a safety issue for the child. I really can't imagine how a dirty bum that has been poorly wiped would do more than create a laundry problem for the mom. If you are really uncomfortable with the situation I would skip having the child at your house. If you are going to bring it up to the mom I'd approach it from the safety perspective. This child needs to be taught to clean herself well enough and more importantly that approaching an adult other than your parent for such a personal need is inappropriate and could be dangerous.

[mackmama]

This child needs to be taught to clean herself well enough and more importantly that approaching an adult other than your parent for such a personal need is inappropriate and could be dangerous.

I agree with this - I would still love a script. :)

[TwinFoxes]

I just would not have play dates at my house. You already talked to the mom once, she knows it's happening and doesn't seem to care. I wouldn't want to help, and I wouldn't want poop spread all around my bathroom either.

[BunnyBee]

I agree with this and theposter who said that this is a safety issue for the child. I really can't imagine how a dirty bum that has been poorly wiped would do more than create a laundry problem for the mom. If you are really uncomfortable with the situation I would skip having the child at your house. If you are going to bring it up to the mom I'd approach it from the safety perspective. This child needs to be taught to clean herself well enough and more importantly that approaching an adult other than your parent for such a personal need is inappropriate and could be dangerous.

Well, it will create a nasty raw butt! I agree that I wouldn't be comfortable wiping another child at that age.

I would avoid play dates at the house or have mom stay. It's perfectly reasonable to explain that you will resume dropoff play dates when she can independently toilet if the mom asks.

What does the child do at school?

[DualvansMommy]

Definitely hold off playdates with this particular child, especially it sounds like you don't know this child's parents nor that friendly outside of the children's friendship. Only speak up if the mom keeps pressing on, but I can't imagine she would.

[baymom]

That'd be a solid no from me. "Do your best, kiddo"


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Yeah, that. I can't imagine wiping for a six year old, especially if they aren't mine! If he ends up with some tire tracks on his underwear, then so be it.

[lalasmama]

Another "too old for my comfort."

Short of fecal, diarrheal-type incontinence clean up from a totally unanticipated event, I'd be "noping" myself right out.

As for bringing it up to the mom, I'd go for something like, "Sally and Mary had so much fun playing today! Thanks for letting her come over! Sally had to poo today, and asked me to help her wipe up after. I told her I couldn't, just because I'm kind of uncomfortable now that they are getting older and in school... So, I got out our flushable wipes, and hope she got herself cleaned up well enough. She may have a bit of racing stripes in her undies. I'm sorry!" Comfortable chat? No. But it's either that or "I'm sorry--Sally just can't come over to play until she learns to wipe her butt by herself. I mean, what happens at school?!"

[bisous]

I would have helped the child and I would have talked to the parent. It isn't outside my comfort zone per se but I don't think it is a good idea to continue for the reasons others have noted. I do think there is potential for soreness and rawness if not attended to immediately, however, in that case I would really hope that parent would either stay with the child or have quite the discussion with you about it (and I'd assume you'd be quite good friends!)

I think I'll post a spin off because I'm having a somewhat similar issue...

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Yeah, that. I can't imagine wiping for a six year old, especially if they aren't mine! If he ends up with some tire tracks on his underwear, then so be it.
:yeahthat:
Yep. I've been asked to help wipe by other kids (nephews, etc) but at age 3. At age 6..eek...I wouldn't even do it for my own kids. I can't imagine a 1st grader not being able to wipe on their own. Maybe he/she holds it all day at school? I'm guessing the mom usually does it for her kids when asked, and never trained him/her to do it?

I'm also a tad unsettled that a kid that age would be comfortable asking another random adult (not a parent or family member) to wipe them.

i would just put a flushable wipe and say they need to wipe themselves. i'd be careful of just giving one instead of living the flushable wipes thing there...that can clog the toilet if they try to flush more than a few.

[mackmama]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not comfortable giving flushable wipes because I've heard too many stories about clogs. DH would go nuts if we had to call a plumber over this. So when I am asking for a script on what to say to the mom, I'm asking about how to talk to the mom about no further play dates here and my discomfort in wiping her child. For those that think just some tread marks would be left on the undies, this is much messier than that and would soak eight through the clothes. Eek.

[JBaxter]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not comfortable giving flushable wipes because I've heard too many stories about clogs. DH would go nuts if we had to call a plumber over this. So when I am asking for a script on what to say to the mom, I'm asking about how to talk to the mom about no further play dates here and my discomfort in wiping her child. For those that think just some tread marks would be left on the undies, this is much messier than that and would soak eight through the clothes. Eek.

If its that bad I'd give her a trash bag ( plastic grocery store bag) and tell her to put the wipes in there We never flushed those either. 6 is why to old for a child to be making messes like that. All of mine had to be able to wipe at 3 when they went to preschool. I would probably mention to the mom or if the child got in a mess the play date would be over and Mom would get a call to come get her. I wonder what she does at school I know teachers wont help them in that mess

[ckso]

Wiping someone else's 6 years old is a definitely NO for me. The only time I would do it even for my own child (who just turned 6 a week ago) is if she's sick or having diarrhea.

In your shoes, I would just end the play dates until the child can wipe herself. No way am I letting the possibly of the poop getting everywhere else

As far as script I would say "child had to poop during the play date today and she still seem to be struggling with properly wiping herself clean. I'm not comfortable with helping her wipe since it's such a personal thing and it goes against what I try to teach my own child when it comes to letting other people see their private parts. How do you ensure she's clean afterwards if she needs to poop during school hours?"

Let the mom response and depending on what she says, just respond appropriately. Hopefully she gives you a solution that you think might work (ie having the mom come over when she needs to poop

If it turns out the only solution is to not have the child over until she's able to wipe herself properly, say "I'm sorry I can't help with the wiping. But let me know when she's mastered this milestone. We would love to have her back for play dates when she's ready"


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[TwinFoxes]

If you really think it's necessary to give a reason for no more play dates (I don't) I'd just say "I think we should hold off on play dates until DC is able to take care of themselves in the bathroom." I don't really see the need for a reason beyond "sorry, we're busy." It doesn't seem like you've been having regular playdates with this kid anyway. School is starting soon, the amount of time you have for playdates will decrease. I don't think it has to be a big deal. If someone said to me "let me know when she's mastered this milestone" they'd never hear from me again.

[carolinacool]

If someone said to me "let me know when she's mastered this milestone" they'd never hear from me again.

Totally. I don't think there's any need to get into specifics. It sounds like it could be a potentially embarrassing situation, and if it's this bad, maybe something going on medically. DS is seven, but last year, he wasn't always the best at wiping and that was with a normal poop. "We're busy" should be enough, and if the other mom pushes it, maybe suggest getting together in a public place with the understanding that she needs to stay.

[SnuggleBuggles]

If you really think it's necessary to give a reason for no more play dates (I don't) I'd just say "I think we should hold off on play dates until DC is able to take care of themselves in the bathroom." I don't really see the need for a reason beyond "sorry, we're busy." It doesn't seem like you've been having regular playdates with this kid anyway. School is starting soon, the amount of time you have for playdates will decrease. I don't think it has to be a big deal. If someone said to me "let me know when she's mastered this milestone" they'd never hear from me again.

Totally agree. (Especially on the milestone part.)

Just decline hosting. If you want to get together, organize an outing where the mom also goes.

If the mom presses the issue, post back. You can probably avoid the mess and the conversation though by just "being busy" or meeting at the zoo, playground... instead.

Having a trash bag for the flushable wipes is a fine option too. It's really not a big deal to dispose of them without flushing.

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[calebsmama03]

I'm kind of surprised by all the judgey comments about how 6 is "too old" for a child to not be able to wipe her own bottom. None of us (possibly even the OP) has any idea what potential issues this child might have. YDS is 6 and, while he can now finally wipe pretty well, it is a recent success for him and his challenge with it came from a bout of constipation that ended up being very traumatic and causing fear/holding/avoidance. It was a big deal that affected him in a major way and took a while to get over. His daily stool softeners made his business fairly messy to clean up. I delayed having him wipe himself because I didn't want one more issue to deal with (rashes or paid due to poor wiping, etc.). That was MY choice for what was best for my child at that time in his life. He was already upset about bathroom issues (and specifically avoided "going" anywhere but home so this was never an issue), and if he'd been banned from playdates because he couldn't effectively wipe his bottom alone he would have been mortified!

I'm not saying the OP should continue as is - I think it's best to not from a bodily safety standpoint. I wouldn't just caution all of us to not judge a situation when we are not privy to the details.

[mackmama]

I'm kind of surprised by all the judgey comments about how 6 is "too old" for a child to not be able to wipe her own bottom. None of us (possibly even the OP) has any idea what potential issues this child might have. YDS is 6 and, while he can now finally wipe pretty well, it is a recent success for him and his challenge with it came from a bout of constipation that ended up being very traumatic and causing fear/holding/avoidance. It was a big deal that affected him in a major way and took a while to get over. His daily stool softeners made his business fairly messy to clean up. I delayed having him wipe himself because I didn't want one more issue to deal with (rashes or paid due to poor wiping, etc.). That was MY choice for what was best for my child at that time in his life. He was already upset about bathroom issues (and specifically avoided "going" anywhere but home so this was never an issue), and if he'd been banned from playdates because he couldn't effectively wipe his bottom alone he would have been mortified!

I'm not saying the OP should continue as is - I think it's best to not from a bodily safety standpoint. I wouldn't just caution all of us to not judge a situation when we are not privy to the details.

OP here. I appreciate your viewpoint and agree it's good not to jump to judgement. However, in this situation, I am privy to the details and know there are not extenuating circumstances. People have assumed I'm not close with the mom, but we are actually friends. I just didn't know how to approach it because it's awkward.

As an update, the mom asked me today if the child needed help at our house again yesterday after pooping so I had a chance to address it -- and it basically flopped. I said yes and tried to express that I was a bit uncomfortable with it at this age in terms of privacy and thought it could be a safety issue for the child in the future. The mom told me she thought it was sweet that her child asked me for help because it showed the child trusts me. She then said "I guess I'll call you if your child ever needs help wiping so you can come over to do it yourself." She didn't say it in a snarky way, but I was a little taken aback. To top it off, another mom friend overheard us and then came up to us and joined the conversation assuming I was talking about my child not being able to wipe which flustered me even more because I didn't want to out my friend's child but didn't want the other mom thinking I was talking about my child. So, I will basically just avoid playdates at our house with this particular child for a bit which will happen naturally anyway due to summer schedules.

I do appreciate hearing from everyone though that I am not off-base to feel uncomfortable with helping another 6yo in the bathroom.

[lalasmama]

I'm kind of surprised by all the judgey comments about how 6 is "too old" for a child to not be able to wipe her own bottom. None of us (possibly even the OP) has any idea what potential issues this child might have. YDS is 6 and, while he can now finally wipe pretty well, it is a recent success for him and his challenge with it came from a bout of constipation that ended up being very traumatic and causing fear/holding/avoidance. It was a big deal that affected him in a major way and took a while to get over. His daily stool softeners made his business fairly messy to clean up. I delayed having him wipe himself because I didn't want one more issue to deal with (rashes or paid due to poor wiping, etc.). That was MY choice for what was best for my child at that time in his life. He was already upset about bathroom issues (and specifically avoided "going" anywhere but home so this was never an issue), and if he'd been banned from playdates because he couldn't effectively wipe his bottom alone he would have been mortified!

I'm not saying the OP should continue as is - I think it's best to not from a bodily safety standpoint. I wouldn't just caution all of us to not judge a situation when we are not privy to the details.

I can completely understand what you are saying... Playing devil's advocate here for a moment: If your child was going to a sleepover at Joe's house, and you knew he wouldn't be able to hold his poo that whole time since he was on daily stool softeners, would you quietly mention to the hosting mom away from the kids? "Hey, just wanted to let you know Stevie is on a daily stool softener, which can make bathroom time a little messy for him. He's really trying to do it himself, but would you be comfortable helping him if he asks? If not, I understand completely!"

In some situations, I would be fine helping out (like my BFF's kids, who I've wiped their butts since being newborns, or even our former nanny's daughter at that age). But, I would give it a second thought if it was a casual school-friend, for the reasons mentioned above.