S/O of asking DH to help: Getting more out of a depressed DH

[pharmjenn]

So the thread about how much husbands help at home finally spurred me to ask for advise. DH has ptsd and depression. This led him down a bad road and led to self destructive behavior. He is diabetic and stopped medicating, was looking at internet adult content. He is now in weekly counselling with a specialist, has been on Cymbalta for a couple years for nerve pain and just got hooked up with a psychiatrist who is switching him to Prozac to see if that helps. He is back on all his medications and the sugars are under control, but he now has neuropathies in his feet. The neuropathy makes it painful to walk more than a block, so I can't even get him to go for a walk around the neighborhood.

Through all this, he has made promises that he will get things done, and then never, or months later will follow through. For example, our toilet had been rocking for months. He denied it was happening until I showed him. I guess I sit and stand harder? Anyway, one month after buying the supplies, and me asking weekly, he finally fixed it. Then the next day it started again. He stuck a shim under the toilet, which led it to crack 5 minutes later. So we brought in a plumber who replaced the toilet and fixed some sinks that were also on the list of repairs. There is still a list of many things that need to be repaired, built, installed, or cleaned.

DH has not worked for a couple years except for some occasional teaching jobs. He teaches advanced CPR classes when they are offered, and is trying to get into voice acting (reading for audiobooks, commercials etc) I work full time at night, working 7 days on, then having 7 days off. When I am working, he is responsible for getting DS9 in bed at a decent time, ensuring teeth are brushed and making sure the kid eats breakfast. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning. I only launder my own clothing and DSs. I refuse to do laundry for DH. I refuse to fold his laundry when I am folding mine. I won't take anything to the dry cleaner. I do pick up his prescriptions, partly because I know how much they should cost (use a lot of copay coupons)

Once school starts next week, he will do school drop off and pick up on the days I work. I discovered at the end of last school year, that he would wake up, ensure DS is awake then go back to bed till it was time to leave for school. He would not make breakfast or lunch for DS. Thankfully, at that time, DS was doing well eating something for breakfast, and packing the same stuff I would make for him.

I have found that DS is going to bed very late (like after 10:30pm, which isn't horrible during the summer, but needs to get better with school starting) and he doesn't ensure teeth get brushed, he just trusts that DS will do it. DS skips eating lunch, and ends up snacking on chips, crackers etc all day.

I take DS to kung fu and Scouts, because DH is almost agorophobic. DS and I went camping with Scouts this last weekend, and returned home to find the sink full of bowls and silverware. DH ate cup of soup type food all weekend and did not touch the fruit or salad in the fridge. He did not go to Mass with his mother even. He can't attend Scout activities due to his problems and a riff with the pack.

I guess I am mainly just venting, but really looking for advice. I am hoping the change in psych meds helps with the depression and he gets some motivation. I know I should also be getting counselling, but find I barely have enough time to get sleep on my work week, that adding a regular spot for therapy is hard. Plus I am cheap, and can't find anyone who accepts our insurance. Do I just need to accept what he can/will do, and shoulder the rest myself?

[dogmom]

I guess I am mainly just venting, but really looking for advice. I am hoping the change in psych meds helps with the depression and he gets some motivation. I know I should also be getting counselling, but find I barely have enough time to get sleep on my work week, that adding a regular spot for therapy is hard. Plus I am cheap, and can't find anyone who accepts our insurance. Do I just need to accept what he can/will do, and shoulder the rest myself?

The short answer is probably, yes, you will. The real question is do you want to do it with him or not? Only you can answer that. I would suggest you commit to X # therapy visits yourself. (Let's say 5-6, every other week once your DS gets in school, that's doable.) With the stated goal of you figuring out a plan for yourself and your family. It might be helpful to find a support group of spouses with mental illness, even an online forum. I will say one of the people I know who have been through this, I find after the kids get older many of them choose to divorce if things aren't better.

I think you should be able to push him to try new medication and make sure he is following up with his therapist in a timely fashion. Lots of posters will have good suggestions about his health (physical and mentally) and negotiating things with him, taking care of yourself, making time, setting goals. The one thing I can add from my experience is if he tries several meds and they don't help I've seen ECT (Electroconvulsant therapy) do wonders for some people. As in patients telling me, "It saved my life." So that is an option that is not available to everyone depending on where they live.

[pharmjenn]

Thanks dogmom. I do need to push myself to find a therapist. My best friend is an MFT, so is good to talk to, but can't counsel me since she has known both of us for 25 years. Her suggestions on how to find someone hasn't panned out either.
He is good about getting to the weekly therapy appointments; has only missed a few in the last year. It took some time to get him to the psychiatrist, but we are both hopeful the change of medications will improve things for him. I have a friend that did ECT and lost 6 months of her memory. It didn't cure her, but did bring her out of the depth of depression to now where she can function. I did some of my training at Napa State Psych Hospital and we observed a patient receiving ECT. Not much scarier than seeing a patient get cardioverted, but still scary to think about as a treatment option.

[solsister]

I don't have an answer, but just wanted to respond with a hug.

I am dealing with something similar, except for my dh, does the bare minimum for work, and NOTHING else. We have our own business, and he will work for about 3-4 hours, and then is done for the day, exhausted, doesnt feel well, has to lie down for an hour, and then I see him 4 hours later. Everything is falling apart around us, and he wont do a thing, and gives me the silent treatment or ignores me if I ask him to do something. I have RA, and its hard for me to carry heavy things, like garbage down our flight of stairs, so it just builds up, and then he gets mad at me for nagging him...
I'm just so beyond knowing what to do, so I totally get you. Mine won't go to the doctor or take meds. Lots of kind talks, stern talks, frustrated talks, and tears from me, for the last 3 years. Nothing works.

[pharmjenn]

I don't have an answer, but just wanted to respond with a hug.

I am dealing with something similar, except for my dh, does the bare minimum for work, and NOTHING else. We have our own business, and he will work for about 3-4 hours, and then is done for the day, exhausted, doesnt feel well, has to lie down for an hour, and then I see him 4 hours later. Everything is falling apart around us, and he wont do a thing, and gives me the silent treatment or ignores me if I ask him to do something. I have RA, and its hard for me to carry heavy things, like garbage down our flight of stairs, so it just builds up, and then he gets mad at me for nagging him...
I'm just so beyond knowing what to do, so I totally get you. Mine won't go to the doctor or take meds. Lots of kind talks, stern talks, frustrated talks, and tears from me, for the last 3 years. Nothing works.

Wow, your story is so similar. Although his internet problem got him into trouble it forced him into therapy, which took awhile to start helping, but it has. He wanted to stop the Cymbalta since the back pain was better and I wouldn't let him, since I figured it was giving him some sort of boost. I can't imagine how bad he would be without any meds.
I am overweight and that has brought plenty of medical problems for me, but overall I can still do most everything that needs to be done. I am sorry your RA makes things harder for you and that your DH responds that way. Mine gets angry and then refuses to do the things he has promised to do when I ask too often, so I know the feeling.

[TwinFoxes]

I would really, really push you to go to therapy. We aren't in the position to help, as much as we want to/try to. Have you thought about doing online counseling, you can find therapists that do counseling via skype, etc. I get not wanting to spend the money, but at this point your desire to save is tilting over to self-harm.

It seems like your DH is doing all he's going to do. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you around the house. But I don't think you can count on things getting better. :( I hope you can find a solution because it really sounds rough right now.

[StantonHyde]

At this point, DH isn't the patient--you are. You have got to get therapy for yourself. MUST. You need a plan of what you are going to do. And just doing the same thing is not going to work. I am really, really sorry you are going through this. But you can only do much. DH has to want to change. ECT is not that scary. It saved my father's life. The hospital where I work does a ton of ECT. You can find places that have a good reputation. Even if it meant losing 6 months of memory--that's better than losing years of your life to depression. Obviously, you want to try the med options first. But remember, ECT is the preferred treatment for some mental illnesses n pregnant women. And, in Europe, it is often the first line of treatment, not the last. I wouldn't rule out any options right now.

In the meantime, please get yourself into therapy. For your children, if nothing else.

[niccig]

This is so difficult. I agree with others that you need to care for yourself, find a therapist who can help you figure out how to navigate this. I don't think you can do much for your DH, you can push him to keep his appointments and take meds, but you can't make him. I would also see how much you can have DS care for himself or figure out other options for DS that don't rely on DH. It's not fair on DS to be responsible so much, but it might be only option. As for your shouldering all the responsibilities, you need to decide if you can continue with this. That's something to discuss in therapy. I think you need to care for yourself and DS first, kind of a put on own oxygen mask, before can help others.



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[pinkmomagain]

So if you are looking for affordable therapy for yourself, Open Path could be an option. Therapists who are part of this collective agree to offer a couple of spots in their schedules for reduced cost -- usually the cost of a typical co-pay. https://openpathcollective.org/

[specialp]

Agree on you needing counseling. No one wants to work counseling into their budget or schedule. No one. Sometimes it takes something big to force it. Don’t let that be you. You are dealing with seriously big issues and need someone beyond a friendly ear to help you.

We tried counselors through our insurance and it was not a good fit so we paid out-of-pocket, but at least there was that option. Only one group though. It’s fine to start with insurance, but be willing to go elsewhere if you need to as a good fit is so beneficial and there are affordable options out there. This was years ago during a grief-stricken time (DH dx’d with ptsd and had constant triggers which was so difficult for me to handle on top of my own grief) and our schedules and budgets were counseling heavy for months, but money and time well spent. Make a call and start.

[TwinFoxes]

OP, I wanted to ask how long ago your experience with ECT was? My cousins is a neuropsychologist (who does not practice ECT) and she has told me that leaps have been made in the way it's practiced. Just something to keep in mind. If your experience was a decade + ago, some current research into as an option might be a good idea.

[pharmjenn]

OP, I wanted to ask how long ago your experience with ECT was? My cousins is a neuropsychologist (who does not practice ECT) and she has told me that leaps have been made in the way it's practiced. Just something to keep in mind. If your experience was a decade + ago, some current research into as an option might be a good idea.

It was actually a childhood friend who lives across the country from me (in the Atlanta area) who had ECT. It was just a couple years ago, and she was hospitalized for a few months and did treatments while her ex-husband kept their son. He is her sole reason to get up in the morning, and thankfully she has a decent relationship with her Ex. Anyway, she had to end therapy a few treatments short of a full course (whatever her doctors thought was a full course) since her insurance wouldn't pay for more.

I actually have good insurance that will pay for a therapist (my DH psychiatrist is in-network and we only have to pay 10% for his sessions) and have the income to do so, just hate to budget in that cost. I make use of prescription manufacturer discounts but would not take a discount from an agency providing low cost therapy that another person needs and can't afford. I just need to do the research and make the calls to find someone.
Thank you everyone for your support, I really appreciate it and will help me to take that next step.

[California]

Do you think, possibly, that you are putting off finding the therapist because you are in survival mode, and talking with a therapist is going to be hard work? It will be hard work. And it'll be worth it!

[pharmjenn]

Do you think, possibly, that you are putting off finding the therapist because you are in survival mode, and talking with a therapist is going to be hard work? It will be hard work. And it'll be worth it!

Yes, definitely! I am horrible about feelings and memories. I never know how to explain how I feel, or even if I know how I feel.