What would you do?... and is there a place like this?

[lalasmama]

BFF-sister (as opposed to the BFF of vacation hell) is in the hospital 6 hours away. Honestly, the hospitalizations are nothing new. She's been mentally ill for years, and she's had suicide attempts on a regular basis for 3 or so years now. However, the attempts have ramped up lately. This was the second time this month that she's been found and needed a ventilator. When asked, once mental health medication is on board, she tends to say it's because no one cares, and no one loves her, and she has no reason to live, and no one would miss her. Of course, we can point out all the people that love her, that care about her, that would miss her, etc., but she blows it all off.

So, we've got the holiday weekend coming up, and she's in the regular hospital at this point. She's off the ventilator for now, and has zero memory of what happened before this most recent attempt. DH and I are considering driving up to see her for a few hours, stay overnight, see her a few hours the following day, then driving home. Due to not knowing the roads, and traffic controls we've never dealt with (ferries), we're looking at this taking 7 hours or so.

I'm conflicted about going. And I feel like sh*t for feeling conflicted. This woman has been my BFF since childhood. Since we each got married, and then following her divorce, we've been growing apart, but still try to keep in touch, and still consider her my BFF/sister. I feel like I should go, but I know me going isn't going to make her stop what she's been doing. And I hate the idea that if I go, it well could mean "goodbye." But, if I don't go, I may never get to say goodbye (but have great memories from the last time I saw her, going out for Mexican food, talking for hours). If she's transferred to the psych hospital before we could get there, then we wouldn't go, since she isn't allowed to see anyone for the first week there. So, would you go?

And on a different but related subject--when someone's mental health becomes this difficult to manage, are there places that can help that aren't mental hospitals? Do bigger cities have some kind of halfway house or institutions that will maybe let her come and go, but manage her medicines for her? I really have no idea about this, and just trying think of any way we can find a reasonable long term solution.

[ahisma]

Yes, I'd go. If for no other reason, than for yourself.

Mental health care is so, so hard. Finding resources is ridiculously hard. Mental health parity is a pipe dream at this point. Everything is filled to capacity with a mile long waiting list.

[bisous]

My impression is to go as well but I admit I'm no expert on this sort of thing and I've never BTDT. I hope someone from the field chimes in. I feel for you and for her.

What you are describing sounds like an excellent idea. I also have discovered that there are a lot of resources out there but finding out about them is sometimes quite difficult. I've been dealing with something very different but also in the field of mental health with one of my friends and we're just discovering that there are way more resources available than anyone told us about initially. Just keep asking. I hope you get your answers. Huge hugs. Life is just really hard sometimes and this sounds so heartbreaking.

[ang79]

See if there is a social worker at the hospital she is at that can give ideas of local resources. In my area in PA, there are mental health caseworkers that can help check in on people, attend appts. and med checks, and help navigate the mental health system and insurance (there are always lots of hoops and red tape to get through).

[123LuckyMom]

I'm so sorry for this situation! It's so hard on everyone involved. There are many services for medication management, including the very simple solution of using a pharmacy that does dose packing so all medications are packed together and labeled with dates, days, and times. This is much lower in cost than hiring a medication management nursing service, for example, which insurance often will not cover and can be quite expensive. Also, anyone has the right to refuse to take medication, so no service can make your friend take medication she is unwilling to take.

The best people to talk to about available services and resources are the social workers at the psych hospital, your friend's psychiatrist, and your friend's therapist. You will need to get your friend to sign a release to enable you to talk to any of them specifically about her, and she may not want to do that. If your friend is Jewish, Jewish Family Services is an extraordinary organization. Call them and ask for help. They'll give you lots of information and may be able to assign your friend a case worker. If your friend is an older adult, elder services may be able to help. Some insurance companies do have their own caseworkers for addiction. I'm not sure if this service has spread to mental health services, but you could call the insurance company and find out, though, again, you might need a release or for your friend to make the call in order to discuss her particular case. Mental illness is really tough, like addiction, because in both cases the person is trying to use his or her brain to make decisions, and his or her brain is what's not working as it should, so the nature of the illness is such that you have to use the sick part to heal the sick part, which is very difficult to do unless the person is willing to see that his or her thinking is damaged and listen to the wisdom of others rather than trusting his or her own judgment, at least until the brain has had time to heal (if it can be healed) and new and more helpful beliefs and behaviors are established.

If your friend will be transferred to the psychiatric hospital, I don't think you need to see her until she can have visitors there. She will be safe there, and they will stabilize her medications so she can start to feel better. That would be the time when your visits would be most valuable in terms of helping her long term. If you can meet with her and the social worker there, for example, and maybe help with a discharge plan, that could be huge to aid your friend's recovery.if you can stand it, I'd go now, too, just to show her you ARE there for her and do love her. She may not be able to hear that now, but she'll look back when she's feeling better and see it. If you have to choose one visit, though, go later when you can help with a discharge plan and get lots of information on available services.


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[pinkmomagain]

Hopefully your friend will be transferred to a psych hospital where they can evaluate her mental state and try to get her stabilized. The social worker there would help with her discharge plan (along with her treatment team) and at that point she may be transferred to a day hospital program or partial hospitalization. These are step down programs that can provide individual and group therapy as well as medication management.

Only you can decide what's best for you in terms of visiting. It's a tough situation all around. I'm sorry such a close friend is going through this and you are a good friend to care.

[liz]

PP gave great advice. Just wanted to chime in and say you're a great sister. Go and see her, if nothing else it will make you feel better. P&PT for your sister :hug:

[Kindra178]

Just go.


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[StantonHyde]

I would wait until she is in the psych hospital--that is when you may be the most helpful. Have her sign a Release of Info form for you if you want to talk to the Social Worker about after care/disposition--and if your sister agrees. In our community, we do have day treatment/partial hospitalization programs, we have clubhouse programs where people can drop in, etc. A LOT of this depends on her insurance and what is available in her community. Patients who live in more rural areas flat out do not have the level of services available to those in more urban areas. She really isn't in a place right now to hear those ideas. But it is what she needs in the long run.

Good luck!