Advice - phone/text supervision and maybe girlfriend

[niccig]

DS just started 7th grade. He walks home with a group of girls and 1 boy and they often get picked up on way home by a parent and everyone is dropped at their house. There's a park in our community and DS got a text on Sunday from one girl suggesting several of them meet at the park. DS asked us and we said yes, as the group has gone to Baskin Robbins etc as walk home from school. Turns out, only 1 girl was there with DS, which we didn't know until he came home. DS hasn't mentioned her much, and I just thought it was hanging out. But then DH had a brief look at his texts and saw this girl and DS are texting a lot and maybe there was a "love ya" text, but he didn't see if it was to a group or just DS - DS is using a flip phone until DH can upgrade his phone and give DS his old iphone, so it's not as easy to see the texts quickly. Today, I found some love hearts drawn on post-it-notes under DS' pillow.

How much do you check your kid's phones? We told DS we would, but now feeling a little awkward if there's texts to a girl. But on the other hand, we do want to know that the texts are appropriate. We've discussed at length with DS that it's OUR phone, we will check it, and about appropriate behavior with texting/online etc. But we all know how they may not listen. I do understand having some privacy and not wanting to embarrass him. My mother would tease us if interested in a boy, so quickly learned to hide any interest.

I'm kinda unsure how to proceed here. DS hasn't shown interest in girls before and we kinda thought there would be some time before we figure out how to navigate this.

ETA; OK, I looked at the texts. The girl did end one text with "love you". Eta This girl doesn't walk home, she walks to her mother's work, which is one the way home, so while DS is home alone for about 30-60 mins before i get home, this girl isn't at her house, so I'm not worried about time alone after school before a parent is home.

[JBaxter]

All the darn time. One time I slipped up and didn't check for a couple weeks I found pictures of my 13 yr old using a can of hair spray ( freeze spray when we were in a make our hair crispy phase) as a flame thrower ( taken by my 8 yr old). I spot check once or twice a week usually after he goes to bed. OR sometimes I just say hand it over let me see what you have been up to. There is nothing a 6, 7 or 8th grader could or should be doing with a girl that I shouldnt get to know about. I don't tease and I even let N's girl friend meet us at the movies once in 7th grade. They broke up after 1 yr. Broke his heart for a couple days then he realized she was a little weird LOL.

[KpbS]

I would keep checking, but of course not teasing. It could be that she is more interested than he was/is. Normal for the age, but I tell my DS (same age) that they are too young to date.

[niccig]

Thanks. So how do I do the "hand it over" then respond when I see the texts??? He hasn't mentioned this girl. DS easily gets embarrassed and I dont want him to hide things


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[lalasmama]

My DD is 13, but a young/immature 13. She's still not texting boys. Heck, she rarely texts her friends :-/

At any rate, I still check her phone. Phone has to be on the desk (living room) overnight to charge. That's usually when I pick it up to see what's been going on. Like a previous poster, I skipped checking a few weeks, and had to deal with what was found.

Unless I find inappropriate things (sex talk or something that is clearly and utterly against our family values expectations, etc), I wouldn't say anything about what I saw/read. Half the time, DD has no idea I have even checked her phone, since she doesn't see me checking. But I do make sure she "catches" me checking her phone about once a week, so she doesn't really know when.

[niccig]

So I took his phone and the ipad to charge out of his room - that was always the plan, but as DS has a flip phone, he wasn't into texting until the last few days, the iPad I used for work, so he has to put it in my workbag each evening. I reminded him, we can always look and see what he's been up to on his phone. I looked through the texts and it's all teenage talk about always liking you, lots of "love ya". Dh said they're just starting to figure out what that means. It's a recent development of holding hands at school dance on Friday. I'll take the advice of not saying anything unless I do see something that's not OK.

So we'll enforce the no device in room, we will look at it - I like Jeanne's "all the damn time". When he gets a smart phone, we'll have to check more things - flip phone means DS isn't really typing long texts, no other apps etc. We do need to figure out what to do if he wants to go to the park with her again. This is all new to us.

[JBaxter]

I allow devices in their room I just don't allow them to charge them in their rooms. Charging happens in my kitchen. At his age just keep saying remember we respect girls and don't say anything that Mom cant read. I read a lot of kiss emoji's and things like that. Nothing in appropriate. I start young to instill anything on a phone or internet lasts forever.

[niccig]

I allow devices in their room I just don't allow them to charge them in their rooms. Charging happens in my kitchen. At his age just keep saying remember we respect girls and don't say anything that Mom cant read. I read a lot of kiss emoji's and things like that. Nothing in appropriate. I start young to instill anything on a phone or internet lasts forever.

Thanks... I'll do the same. He had deleted some messages, nothing that he sent was there prior to Sunday, so I'll tell him to not delete. I pick up DHs phone and DH uses my phone, so we're not secretive about our phones.


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[JBaxter]

Thanks... I'll do the same. He had deleted some messages, nothing that he sent was there prior to Sunday, so I'll tell him to not delete. I pick up DHs phone and DH uses my phone, so we're not secretive about our phones.


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Mine always thought I could retrieve their deleted messages LOL. *coughs* I may have told them that :D

[almostmom]

This all sounds normal and you're getting good advice. I think in 7th grade texting with a girl and maybe calling her a girlfriend is totally normal and fine. Good even! These things take practice, and it sounds like he's doing a fine job with it. Think of it like talking on the phone with a girl when we were young. DS had a "girlfriend" in 6th grade. We didn't know about it at first, but then he told us. They broke up after about a month (which we were also not told). They never went anywhere - just saw each other at school and texted. It was very clean stuff. He's now entering 8th and we haven't heard (or seen) any specific girl chatter, though there are lots of group and individual texts going on. Some of his friends have had girlfriends. But they still don't really go anywhere...
My kids know I can and will check their phones. But the reality is I don't do it much. But when they do see me scrolling through a little, I don't hear complaints. They know to be careful with what they write.

[niccig]

Mine always thought I could retrieve their deleted messages LOL. *coughs* I may have told them that :D

[emoji38] I just told DS to not delete anything as we will know from the phone bill. Plus, there are apps to recover deleted messages from a phone.

Thanks all for talking me through this. I kinda thought we would have awhile before this would start. DH said he noticed girls were interested in DS back in 5th grade when he volunteered at the school library, so he's not surprised


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[lalasmama]

[emoji38] I just told DS to not delete anything as we will know from the phone bill. Plus, there are apps to recover deleted messages from a phone


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Another family where the teen believes I can see deleted messages and internet browser histories :)

[newnana]

Mine always thought I could retrieve their deleted messages LOL. *coughs* I may have told them that :D

:yeahthat:
DH and I are in IT. DD thinks there is absolutely nothing she has done online or on a device that we can't see. We 100% told her that. And reinforce it frequently, not in a threatening way, just by mentioning stuff we notice to facilitate discussions.

Add me to the "All the darn time" camp as well.

All that stuff sounds normal to me. I agree with your DH that it's just figuring out what "love ya" means.

DD's phone and iPad charge in the kitchen. I read through after DD goes to bed and check browsing history and that sort of thing. DD has a much earlier bed time than her friends so there are generally texts that have come in while she's in bed that I see. Her phone has an indicator light if there are new messages that she likes to keep on, but if I've opened it that goes away. That makes for an easy conversation in the morning over breakfast, "key kiddo, I was reading through your phone last night and some texts came in from XYZ friends you will want to catch up on since they no longer show up as new."

If there's something bigger we need to discuss I wait until there is more time. Getting ready for school? wait, don't mention it, we're generally rushed. Getting ready for bed? Gosh no, my high anxiety kiddo will chew on it all night. Saturday morning while we wash the car (she loves) Perfect! We both have our hands busy and maybe don't have to look at each other to have the conversation. Hey kiddo, I've been meaning to ask you about something I saw on your phone the other day. Tell me about X. Nonconfrontational. Just making conversation.

DD is still very open with us, and likes to bounce most of this stuff off of us anyway, so that makes it much easier. One thing that comes up fairly frequently and also helps is DD tells her friends that I check her phone/devices so they are less likely to send inappropriate stuff. This started over a year ago because one girl kept sending her creepy chain mail things that was freaking DD out. I told her to say that mom doesn't allow that stuff and please stop sending it to her so mom will let her keep texting with her. I'm happy to be the bad guy. DD has fully embraced this and so have a couple of her friends. Bonus that we parents talk and so far the group is all similar in how our kids devices are treated.

She has said it helps that we treat everything like no big deal and a normal part of growing up. "Mom, I like X. I mean like like. Like my face gets hot when I see him. How do I not be weird around him?" Sweetheart, you are weird. We all are. He's either going to like you for you or he's not the right one. But lets talk about creepy weird vs fun weird while we're on the topic. And maybe we can practice a couple of things that might come up like how to say "hi" when your blood is rushing in your ears. Because we already talk about this stuff like it's a normal part of growing up, just like you have to do your math homework, she's very open about it. I get that not everybody is like this but for us it works. We also keep a journal we pass back and forth for the stuff that's too uncomfortable to say out loud (thanks BBB for that one).

[smilequeen]

I checked DS phone A LOT at first, just about every day. There was never an issue, so it less frequent now, but I still try to check once a week or so and I would increase that if I noticed something. I told him I can check as much as I like. It is harder now though...in 6th grade no phones were allowed at school so I always had access all day long. In his new school, they are allowed phones (they have a collection system in every class so they can't have them during class) so I don't have such easy access anymore.

I did notice the beginning boyfriend/girlfriend stuff in his class late last year. DS is good friends with one of the girls, but definitely not a dating thing. Her little brothers are best buds with my 2 younger boys, so they just see each other a lot, but DS goes to an all boys school now anyway.