Please help...14yo ADHD attitude.

[SASM]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place...I couldn't find Special Needs Parenting forum in Tapatalk app, not that that forum sees much action anyway.

14.5yo DS has ADHD, combined type. He's medicated for ADHD and depression. :( His rudeness and attitude ebbs and flows...a combination of ADHD and teenager. He TRIES to watch a lot of shows that his "friends" watch that I think are completely inappropriate...Supernatural, Big Bang Theory, some adult prank show, some other vampire supernatural show, etc. If he wasn't so immature I'd be a little more willing to look into these shows but from quick glances I don't approve.

Anyway, today I had an allergic reaction and needed to take Benedryl pretty early in the day, knocking me out for the majority of the day. DS watched wayyyy too much TV, no doubt the shows that I disapprove of. Tonight he started getting an attitude toward DD2, swearing, etc so I took away his phone and technology. DH and I have been toying with getting rid of cable and just having Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. After experiencing today's behavior, which is not uncommon, I just want to take it a step further and get rid of all of it, just leaving us with a leaf antenna for local channels (no DVR), XBOX One with non-violent games, etc. This would force him to hopefully find other entertainment - getting outside, hopefully finding peers in our neighborhood, reading, etc. We've been looking into volunteer and paid job opportunities for him. He is such a good kid (most of the time) BUT I just HATE his attitude after he watches these shows. I am not sure if removing the TV completely would backfire, though. Please...any BTDT??? Thoughts??


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[Green_Tea]

I am not an expert on this by any means, but as a mom of two teens and a kid with ADHD, I would be hesitant to completely eliminate things that might be a common denominator with his peers. I know my ADHD kid already feels like he struggles to make good friends, and my teen daughters spend a lot of time bonding with friends over the shows they love (they all watch Grey's Anatomy and Friends, and both shows are something they love to talk about and quote when they hang out.) Making them completely off limits might backfire.

Can you watch a few episodes of the shows he likes with him? Explain your concerns to him, and tell him that he can earn screen time for those shows when he's in a good place? I don't know a lot about the shows you mentioned, but do think Big Bang Theory is super popular with teens. Ditto The Office (which I think is hilarious as well!).

[SASM]

I am not an expert on this by any means, but as a mom of two teens and a kid with ADHD, I would be hesitant to completely eliminate things that might be a common denominator with his peers. I know my ADHD kid already feels like he struggles to make good friends, and my teen daughters spend a lot of time bonding with friends over the shows they love (they all watch Grey's Anatomy and Friends, and both shows are something they love to talk about and quote when they hang out.) Making them completely off limits might backfire.

Can you watch a few episodes of the shows he likes with him? Explain your concerns to him, and tell him that he can earn screen time for those shows when he's in a good place? I don't know a lot about the shows you mentioned, but do think Big Bang Theory is super popular with teens. Ditto The Office (which I think is hilarious as well!).

Thank you so much for the response!!! I really appreciate it. That was my exact concern. Gosh I am just so emotional. Ive been struggling with this teenage attitude lately...the ADHD just adds another layer of "Deep breaths, Mama..." moments.


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[Green_Tea]

Thank you so much for the response!!! I really appreciate it. That was my exact concern. Gosh I am just so emotional. Ive been struggling with this teenage attitude lately...the ADHD just adds another layer of "Deep breaths, Mama..." moments.


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Teens are hard. ADHD is hard. The combination is REALLY hard!! Hang in there :).

[lalasmama]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place...I couldn't find Special Needs Parenting forum in Tapatalk app, not that that forum sees much action anyway.

14.5yo DS has ADHD, combined type. He's medicated for ADHD and depression. :( His rudeness and attitude ebbs and flows...a combination of ADHD and teenager. He TRIES to watch a lot of shows that his "friends" watch that I think are completely inappropriate...Supernatural, Big Bang Theory, some adult prank show, some other vampire supernatural show, etc. If he wasn't so immature I'd be a little more willing to look into these shows but from quick glances I don't approve.

Anyway, today I had an allergic reaction and needed to take Benedryl pretty early in the day, knocking me out for the majority of the day. DS watched wayyyy too much TV, no doubt the shows that I disapprove of. Tonight he started getting an attitude toward DD2, swearing, etc so I took away his phone and technology. DH and I have been toying with getting rid of cable and just having Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. After experiencing today's behavior, which is not uncommon, I just want to take it a step further and get rid of all of it, just leaving us with a leaf antenna for local channels (no DVR), XBOX One with non-violent games, etc. This would force him to hopefully find other entertainment - getting outside, hopefully finding peers in our neighborhood, reading, etc. We've been looking into volunteer and paid job opportunities for him. He is such a good kid (most of the time) BUT I just HATE his attitude after he watches these shows. I am not sure if removing the TV completely would backfire, though. Please...any BTDT??? Thoughts??


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I tend to be a "take it all until you earn it back" type too.. It's something I'm trying to work on, but it's tough, especially when there's also some teenage attitude mixed in! We had the fun of "let's whine about every.single.little.thing because Grandma is here and I want attention" attitude last night and today. Because, you know, you shouldn't be expected to do your chores because Grandma is here, and that's 1 more plate than you normally have to clear from the table (the same table that you clear every.single.night!)... Ah, the teen years!

Just regarding the shows, I can tell you The Big Bang Theory is pretty tame, overall. Occasional mentions of sex (sorry, coitus is what it is called on the show,lol), but any "bedroom" scenes aren't shown other than the couple in bed, afterwards, with some funny quip that will fly right over most kids' heads until they are "active" in that area. My 13yo DD looks at DH and I like, "Why are you laughing?!?" at least once an episode, which shows me the few comments are still totally missed on her (GOOD, of course!).

The adult prankster show, almost guaranteed, is Impractical Jokers. Moments of inappropriateness (some language that's beeped out, some mentions of sex or body parts), lots of teasing each other (the 4 guys have been BFFs for like 20 years), and general grossness (keys in elephant poop, dip your french fry in some unsuspecting person's ketchup). My 13yo DD (and occasionally immature 40-something DH) LOVES this show. Occasionally I make them fast forward a challenge, most often because it's something I'm "eh" about DD hearing, but it's pretty rare. Off the top of my head, I remember her not being allowed to see one challenge/punishment that had 2 of the people doing, essentially, a strip high-5 challenge (1 piece of clothing comes off if someone walking by won't give you a high-5). It was hilarious, but DD doesn't need to see men in jockey shorts :) DH says, "There's some sexual innuendos, but, if we're honest, they hearing MUCH worse things at school." He's a middle school teacher, so I tend to believe him on things like what kids are talking about....

Two good things to consider about the above shows: Big Bang Theory revolves around Sheldon and Leonard who are 2 socially awkward "nerds" when the show started. It provides a GREAT jumping off point for discussions about social struggles--Sheldon often doesn't get what he's doing "wrong" or why other people are so weird when they don't respond as he reacts. As a child with ADHD, my DD is often confused about some social constructs, and seeing that she's not the only one, even if they are just TV characters, is comforting to her. Likewise, Impractical Jokers often centers on making social situations uncomfortable--it's like 50% of the humorous of the show, as they try to get people to ask them what they are dancing to music no one can hear, or asking to cut someone's toenails, etc. Again, if your DS struggles socially, this could be helpful to see expected and unexpected social situations.

You mention that your DS is pretty immature, as is my 13.5yo DD. As much as I hate some things (why are kids texting poop emojis to each other?!?), I'm trying to loosen up on some TV shows to allow some common denominators with her same-aged peers.

[KpbS]

Yes, I would honestly. I totally get where you are coming from. One of my DC has some similar tendencies and is SO VERY influenced by media, others, etc. He is just not much of a leader and is very swayed by his surroundings. I have to be careful or we will all just get attitude/sass/etc directed at us when DC is angry/moody/trying hard to be funny or cool. So yeah, we limit a lot and it makes home life so much better.

[BunnyBee]

He's in high school? Those shows are pretty tame compared to real life. I don't disagree with limiting tv watching and video games for the sake of doing actual things rather than being a couch potato, but I would relax on the content. Watching things his peers watch that are on regular networks like Big Bang Theory give him a common ground and something to talk about. You're going to push him to sneak more and sneak worse by being overly controlling. Attitude is a normal part of teenage development. Adding ADHD makes it even harder for him to control his behavior. I actually think I get a more honest response from my ADHD 14 year old than I would have given my parents at that age. I was thinking many of the same things but could control my reactions better.

[HannaAddict]

He will be just as rude and belligerent without the tv shows. This is teendom. Maybe your school will have some parent education classes on teen angst, rudeness so parents can commiserate and know they do not have the worst kid and it is developmentally normal. You can limit screen time, but provide other outlets, as I do think when they binge and then aren't watching it's a form of withdrawal. I don't think the super harsh restrictions do anything positive though. Our friends who are quite outspoken with their ideas on draconian screen limits and content restrictions have kids and sneak and sneak and have said the rudest, most vulgar things that my kids wouldn't dream of saying - despite seeing Adam Sandler movies and iZombie and similar. It isn't just content. Our friends with the most restrictions have kids that really fight the man, disable Qustodio and are probably more sullen and angst filled than our kids that have more leniency. I saw the same thing as a teen. I had more freedom and was a million times more well behaved than those that had super strict parents. I wouldn't limit his shows except temporarily as punishment for behavior and let him earn back privileges to encourage good behavior. But he's in the throes of hormones, testosterone included and this is all 100% normal. Frustrating though I know.


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[SASM]

I honestly cannot thank all of you enough for taking the time to write very detailed heartfelt responses. I soooo appreciate EVERY experience (and WORD) that you shared!! VERY good points!!!


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[Philly Mom]

I don't have a teen though I used to work with them so take this with a grain of salt but I agree with the others that talk about restrictions. I was an incredibly well behaved kid and my parents had no restrictions on what I watched unlike my friends who hid stuff and snuck around doing lots of not great things. That said, my mom still teases me for my teen attitude and responses. I like to point out she could have had it worse but 25 years later my attitude at 14 is still used to tease me. My much older cousin and brother like to join in[emoji3]. I think teen years are just hard because it's hard to know what the right choice is and teens often give negative feedback/responses regardless.


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[jren]

What has worked best with my almost 14 year old regarding these kinds of shows is watching with her, and really enjoying the shows, not just watching to lecture. She's got attitude aplenty at times, but honestly I don't notice it's worse or better related to watching a show. We've watched Supernatural (some inappropriate content which she said she fast forwards those parts until I called her on that BS, but at least she knows it's inappropriate!). We love Stranger Things! I took her to see It. Yep. Not ashamed. Her teachers at school even talk about these movies and shows in class. It's relevant. And I'd rather her see it with me. We talk about what we liked, what we think went to far and was for shock value only. Trying to instill some sense of judgement in her in these next 4 years before she's out on her own.


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[JElaineB]

I think it is very normal for a neurotypical 14 year old to watch these types of shows. DS will be 15 in less than two weeks and at this point we hardly restrict any TV shows or movies. I wouldn't let him see an NC-17 movie but he has seen plenty of R movies. They don't affect him negatively, however, he is readily able to separate what he sees on the screen from his own behaviors. You need to make decisions on what's best for your own kid, of course. But the shows he wants to watch are perfectly typical teenage fare.

[bisous]

Yes, I would honestly. I totally get where you are coming from. One of my DC has some similar tendencies and is SO VERY influenced by media, others, etc. He is just not much of a leader and is very swayed by his surroundings. I have to be careful or we will all just get attitude/sass/etc directed at us when DC is angry/moody/trying hard to be funny or cool. So yeah, we limit a lot and it makes home life so much better.

I'm totally in agreement with this.

I have a DS who will be 14 in mere weeks and he also has ADHD. One thing to remember is that ADHD kids are about 30% behind their peers in social and emotional maturity. So your 14yo is more like a 10yo. And maybe some content wouldn't be appropriate for someone of that age. (I'm not really familiar with the programs you mentioned because we don't have cable.) I think it is worth investigating if they might not be as bad as you think and evaluating anew. However, I don't think that you should feel like you have to let him watch the programs just because other kids watch them but then I'm used to be an outlier on content appropriateness, lol.

I do want to mention that the research that I've read does not support the common assumption that strict rules will lead directly to rebellion. In Nurtureshock the authors cite a study that showed that kids who have strict parents were more likely to be honest with their parents and ironically those given the most freedom were more likely to hide things. I was surprised to read that but at the same time when examining my own experience as a teen most of the time it was consistent with what I most often observed.

[SASM]

Hi all...

OP here. I just wanted to thank you again for your responses. I just did a google search for another 14yo issue and this thread popped up. I just reread all of the response. It helped.

DS came home with a Game of Thrones book yesterday. He was reading it upstairs in his room. No doubt to hide it from me but I also appreciate that it's also away from 10&12 yo DDs who wouldn't think twice of picking it up. Deep breaths, mama. I have a VERY difficult time with his watching and reading violence. I almost emailed the administration of his school to complain about the content that my immature 14yo freshman (with ADHD) is able to freely check out; HOWEVER, after I read up on the series and addressed my issues with the book (rape, incest, insane violence, etc) DS shrugged and didn't seem concerned and the defensive teen attitude came out. It scares the cr@p out of me what he is exposed to at this age. After a lot of sleeplessness tonight, I think I am going to let him continue on. If he already knows what all of this horrible stuff is and he easily has access to it at school (through library & peers), I am just going to have to give into this one. I don't want him to read this stuff behind my back. I am just going to try to keep an open dialogue, let him see my reactions (or DH because I honestly cannot read or watch this genre), and this way we know what he's reading and exposed to. I am honestly cringing. It just makes me so sad that he WANTS to read this. I guess a "positive" thing is that it's a look into this section of history/culture. Deep breaths...

[gatorsmom]

Op, what medication is he taking for depression? From your description, it doesn't sound like the depression medication is doing what it is suppose to do. I would talk to his psychiatrist about your concerns. Maybe your DS's behavior is normal or maybe his medication should be adjusted. It also sounds like your DS would really benefit from therapy. Someone outside the family that he can talk to about his frustrations would be very helpful, I think. The therapist could really help you understand what tactic you should take with him too.

[SASM]

Op, what medication is he taking for depression? From your description, it doesn't sound like the depression medication is doing what it is suppose to do. I would talk to his psychiatrist about your concerns. Maybe your DS's behavior is normal or maybe his medication should be adjusted. It also sounds like your DS would really benefit from therapy. Someone outside the family that he can talk to about his frustrations would be very helpful, I think. The therapist could really help you understand what tactic you should take with him too.
Oh my! Just seeing this. Thank you.

He just had an increase in his anti-depressant (sertraline) over the summer. We DID see an improvement. We have been toying with the idea of switching both the psychiatrist and therapist. The psychiatrist hasn't been listening to our request for a new medication for a very long time. DS hasn't been cooperating for the therapist for a while either. I just found someone who can help with organization and therapy but they are out of network. Going to look into it a little further before we proceed. So frustrating. I feel like we are just going around in circles, which I HATE for DS. I hate wasting precious time.

[HannaAddict]

Not a game of thrones fan but many, many teens and adults read it. I wouldn't freak out. And it is good he is seeing someone but reading GOT and other things you mention wouldn't bother me as much. Hang in there.


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[niccig]

It's also all over TV, so it's something his peers are watching and talking about. Scholastic puts the reading level at grade 9-12, so he's within that age bracket. Talk to him about it and the concepts being discussed. If it's forbidden, he'll hide it and you lose the chance to discuss it and help him process it. If he likes the fantasy aspect of Games of Thrones, there's other series to explore that aren't as violent. Take him to the library/bookstore and see what's there. I was reading Lord of the Rings by 12. Maybe nudging him to something in same genre, but less violent is a good compromise.

I don't like Supernatural. DH watches it. DS is 12 and likes the super heroes based shows so Flash, Supergirl, there's a new X-men spin off too. So it's the super powers theme, but not a scary as supernatural.

I'm a school SLP and work with students on social skills. The TV shows/books give them something to discuss the next day at school. Not knowing anything about them, can make it difficult to interact, especially for kids that already are struggling socially. I'd try to find a way that he has some common ground with his peers. If it's not the shows/sports, then does he play sports? DS's friends all big soccer fans, so that's a topic of discussion. How about music? Is into latest music?

[mom2binsd]

I also have a 14.5 DD with ADHD, she is pretty mature and for the most part the ADHD is handle with her meds, but we have the usual teen issues like everyone has said. You are not alone!

I also agree that taking away the TV shows that all of his peers will be watching only hurts him. Like others said the Big Bang Theory is pretty tame, GOT- that's another story, the TV show is very violent and has plenty of nudity and sex, which I'm sure the book has as well, so that you'll probably need to have some frank discussions about. My DD has snapchat and instagram, and honestly all of her friend do as well, her hockey and swim team have a group snaps, and on instragram I know many of my adult friends even follow her. Again, it's how all of her peer group communicate around here, if she didn't have it she wouldn't be a part of the social events. So as much as many parents are very wary of all of this, it's important to allow them access to what you feel they can handle and provide them with help navigating this new world.

It helps if you have watched the shows before or with them, so you can talk about what they are watching.

DD started watching Grey's Anatomy, there is a lot of sex, we have talked about how it's TV, not all doctor's look like McSteamy and most hospital staff are not having sex in the custodial closets. She's in 9th grade and her entire swim team have been binge watching it, they watch on the bus to meets etc!

I agree also agree that it's important that there is a balance, and taking away access to electronics and TV/video games is appropriate.

Both of my kids play travel hockey and are very busy with sports, so watching Netflix for DD and watching stupid youtube video's/xbox for DS age 11 is fine in moderation. I also learned to ease up on violent content, DS was the last of his friends to get Call of Duty, literally every 9 year old we knew had it. He mostly plays sports xbox games but occasionally they play COD, we DO NOT allow games like Grand Theft Auto which has violence against women/prostitutes.