kindergartener refuses to go to school - help! - UPDATE #30 - thank you

[magnoliaparadise]

Hi,

I'd love your advice: My DD2 hates school - like hates it. I really don't get it.

DD2 is a sweet child, but extremely stubborn and defiant. It's hard to coax DD2 into anything she doesn't want to do. If anyone has read the 'Betty Bunny' series, DD2 is that bunny (a great series!!).

* She hates school:

DD2 cries hysterically about going, starting the evening before every school day and basically refuses to go. Every step towards getting her to school - getting her to sleep the night before; waking her up the day of; having her get dressed; walking out the door, etc is fraught with difficulty and her refusing to cooperate unless I do as she says and 'keep her out of school'. She asks me now on a daily basis to home school her (a suggestion undoubtedly made by her older sister). I have told my kids that I will not be able to homeschool them and to put that out of their minds. I just can't do it, for a bazillion reasons, though respect those who can!


* Things I try to get DD2 to school (I am exasperated):

You would think I could just say 'I'm the parent and I told you to go to school so go' - however, it doesn't work. My parenting style has apparently not lent itself in to this unfortunately.

So far, I have been able to get DD2 to school, besides a couple days we were traveling anyway and I took her out, but it's been very tough - on two days, she had to be extricated from me, screaming and crying, and forcefully (though lovingly) by the school staff (the assistant principal is involved now). On one of those days, she even fought her way out of the school administration's hold and ran off.

On another day, I bribed DD2 into going to school if I picked her up early the next day. She agreed, but I regretted the bribe and promised I would never do it again because it set a bad precedent and DD1 was upset that she wouldn't be picked up early :).

And believe me, every day, both I and the school have set up some star or sticker chart leading to a toy or time on the iPad, neither of which have worked well (especially mine). Those are my 'carrots'. And DD2 has never cared about 'sticks'.

I have tried everything. I have asked DD2 repeatedly why she doesn't like school. As far as I can tell, DD2 feels that the teacher is nice (she seems LOVELY), the other teachers are nice, the other kids are fine (she even seems to have a friend now) and no one is mean. When I ask her, she will either say that she is bored or (more often) that she misses me.

* Background of why my kid maybe hates school - I'm just guessing:

- We moved to a new state about a month ago and are living with my parents. Everything is pretty chaotic and there are a lot of new changes. Our old home was in a walking city and we are now in the bucolic burbs so it's a culture shock - first world problems, but big for us anyway;

- My DD2 turns 6 in the fall. She is in K. However, she was in K last year due to the different cut offs in the prior state we lived. Now that we are in a new state with new cut offs, I put DD2 in K AGAIN so that she fits within these new cuts offs and not be the youngest by several months in the next grade (i.e. for both states, she fits within being in K the two years she went, but it means she has to repeat it.

- Our old state focused much more on academics at a younger age - so even though DD2 went to K last year, I can already tell it was much more rigorous than this year's school and K class. I'm not judging and I'm not being a snob about my old state - it's a grounded assessment based on their curriculum and just a choice of focus. There are some positives of this new school (emotional and social focus), but in terms of academics, they don't believe in it until about middle school (I think). So maybe DD2 really is bored. They are doing things like 'what is a fire station?' - and again, although DD2 repeated K, because of the different cut offs between states, she is in the appropriate age group and is still within the pack and younger than the oldest kids.

- DD2 did have a similar dislike of school just around this time last year in our old state - so it might truly be separation anxiety. But it was not nearly this bad - it was more whining and request not to go.

- In the last 3 years of school, DD2 has basically pinpointed her BFF on day 1. It's not always reciprocated immediately, but she always finds her groove with her intended within about a week or two. This is the first school year, that DD2 does not seem to want to befriend anyone. She finally - about two days ago - mentioned someone she wants to be friends with, but she doesn't seem to care as much as in the past.

* Argh, do you have any suggestions?:

I am at my wit's end. It's really painful and also logistically extremely difficult!

- The school feels like is all completely separation anxiety from my kid brought on by our big transition. They have been very involved (impressively so). They have told me to tell DD2 that she is safe, there are adults in the new school who are looking out for her, and that she will see me at the end of the day.
- I tell DD2 the above and also just gently tell her that she has to go to school and that she can't get out of it and that sometimes people have to do things they don't want to do.
- Also, I'm trying to make playdates for DD2. Difficult because of scheduling and the fact that the school does not give out contact lists of parents for a long time - not yet. We haven't even had a parent night at the school yet!
- I am meeting with DD2's teacher (because of my own schedule, I haven't yet)
- I suggested more academic work, but the school feels that each child 'gets what they need' and if DD2 needed more challenge, she would have gotten it already.
- I wavered and suggested trying DD2 out in a higher grade, but the school says DD2 shouldn't go higher. (I actually agree that K is right for her).
- I have thought of private school, but besides the $$$$ and unlikely hood of getting her in at this point, I still have the problem of the fact that she will be new, separated from me, and in K (I tried to find a private school with a K/1 mixed class, but couldn't).

If anyone has any ideas or has BTDT, I would be grateful! Thanks in advance!!!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Sounds miserable. The kids are young enough that you can certainly parent in a way that makes it clear your decision is final- don't give up. :)

Is your unhappiness and dissatisfaction over the move (based on this post and your own in the other moving thread) filtering down to the kids and clouding their transition? If so, try and nip that in the bud.

Is a Montessori school an option? If she could go at her own pace, that might be appealing.

[anonomom]

Hmm. One thing that jumps out at me is that I think you may need to push back a little on the school for some things, particularly their resistance to providing your kid with more challenging work. Ask how they know she's getting what she needs, when it's pretty clear she's unhappy?

Not that I think that's the crux of your problem, but it can be a sign of a larger issue of "fit" with the school that may be contributing to your daughter's antipathy.

If the issue is separation, maybe for a few weeks you can go have lunch with her at school? I wouldn't want to make that a permanent thing, but maybe it could help your DD cope to know that she will get a little bit of time with you during the day?

I wish I had more to offer, because you're in a tough spot. DS was like that for an entire year of preschool and even now (in first grade), he asks me every day if I will let him stay home from school. Ultimately, what cured the issue in preschool was switching to a different school (see above re: fit), but I understand why that wouldn't be a realistic option for you and your DD. If DS hated his public school as much as he hated that first preschool, I'd be stumped.

[Mikey0709]

Wow. You have an extreme challenge. I think my next step maybe an eval for anxiety?

Similar, but different, my 4th grader who I never had any issues with - wouldn't get out of the car the beginning of this school year! I mean ran back in the car, locked himself in, said he was NOT going this year. Hated it. Nothing changed... same teachers, same class, same students! He just DOESN"T LIKE SCHOOL. He can find a million things better to do. I heard it all - especially homeschool. It literally took a full week trying to get him back into it. Nothing like having 50 cars in the car line stare at you - because YOUR OLDER kid is holding them all up from leaving by running back to you crying and screaming. It certainly wans't easy with a 100 pound 4th grader.

Honestly - i just had to get mean. School is a must, and I can't get him out of it. Everyone must go, and I had to make that clear. We finally came to an understanding that since I wasn't going to give in, we might as well try to make it as pleasant as possible. this too a LONG time to adjust.

So i'm wondering if 1 - she really IS bored??? I think the teacher has to work with you a little more. Our gave him a job to coax him in easier in the morning. Beyond stickers/rewards chart - there has to be something that would work? My son get to feed and handle the classroom pet in the morning. There has to be SOMETHING to get her excited about going in?

Good luck.

[squimp]

Did she attend a public Kindergarten program? Kids don't move backward when they move here, no matter the cut off date. I think I would push back hard on the idea that she needs to "repeat" kindergarten. That might be a hill to die on for me. Talk with the teacher first to get a sense of how she is doing academically.

[AnnieW625]

She is bored put her in 1st grade; I wouldn't hold her back now just so she isn't the youngest. I would be calling the counselor and the principal and have them discuss this with the current teacher. If moving her grade doesn't work then maybe try an anxiety test.

Living with your parents isn't much help either, but I get that is something you may not be able to change.

Good luck and sorry I don't have much to add.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Philly Mom]

I would have her evaluated for anxiety too. Regardless a good counselor can help with giving both of you techniques. I also agree with the person who said she may be sensing your indecision. I think being in K again is not that big of a deal. A bunch of DD1's friends repeated K. Was not a big deal. Many of them were advanced academically but still not a big deal for them. I doubt she would be happier somewhere else.


Sent from my iPad using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[Pear]

Put her in first grade if she is eligible. If she has already done the work and done the getting used to elementary school process that is kindergarten, she must be going crazy. Dd could barely tolerate k for a single year and she only had to do it once.

Being ahead of your classmates is a very real burden. 6 is not too young for first grade.

[KrisM]

Did she attend a public Kindergarten program? Kids don't move backward when they move here, no matter the cut off date. I think I would push back hard on the idea that she needs to "repeat" kindergarten. That might be a hill to die on for me. Talk with the teacher first to get a sense of how she is doing academically.

yeah, I'd really look into going into 1st. She's done a harder version of kindergarten, so repeating and it being less academic is probably very boring. Many kids will hate school when it is easy and boring. I'd push for 1st grade. If she was in a higher grade, I'm sure they wouldn't have her repeat, right? Like if you moved after her 4th grade, she wouldn't repeat 4th grade because it's her age group. Just because it's kindergarten doesn't mean she should have to repeat it.

[mmsmom]

I’m so sorry... that is a tough situation. I would start by focusing on one issue at a time. Although they may be all related I would first focus on getting your DD to school willingly. I would try your best not to engage or negotiate with her in the process. Give her simple choices to make. Do you want to wear red shoes or blue shoes today? You can pick it I can pick for you. There certainly may be some true anxiety at play and I would definitely look into that.

Have you tried explaining that school is the law? I knew someone that told her kids school is the law and mommy and daddy will be in trouble with the police if they don’t go and her kids really responded to that. Whatever works! Is there anyone else that can be responsible to getting her to school until she is more settled? She may do better with someone else.

After you get her excited to go to school then you can work on making sure the work is appropriate and that she is being challenged. Good luck!

[mackmama]

I'm so sorry - I bet this is so hard on you. I agree with you - it sounds like she's either bored or overwhelmed with a lot of change in her life. I'd ask her teachers how she'd doing academically in terms of going to 1st (could she go to 1st in your state now)? That would also of course be a huge transition to switch her at this point. Have you ever asked her if she'd like to go to 1st now? I wonder if she could "try out" 1st grade for a few days?

Do the teachers say your DD eventually calms down and does well - or is she upset the whole day?

[sariana]

IME schools see behavior problems and don't even look as closely as they should at academics. (Example: didn't test my son for GATE because of his poor classroom behavior. He is a GATE kid, now an 8th-grade honors student, and his behavior issues were a totally separate thing and should have been kept separate.)

So my advice is to push back against the school about meeting her academic needs. I'm inclined to say put her into first grade (along with several PPs), but you know your daughter best. But man, being bored really sucks, especially when you're surrounded by stress (such as a move). But pursue this option SOON. I do know someone who moved her boy from K to 1st in October (September start). It was a challenge at first, but it did all work out in the end. He turned 6 right around then-September or October.

I also know of a little girl who cried every single day in preschool. I don't remember how she was in K, but she is top of her class now in 4th. So there is hope--they do outgrow that stage.

[azzeps]

Hi mama,

This sounds so hard! My DD and DS both pushed back during their K year, as if testing to see if this SCHOOL thing was really a thing, and if they really had to go. You already have lots of good advice. I think you will have to work hard at not getting emotionally involved in a power struggle... when my son says he doesn't want to go, I mostly ignore him and we go about our morning routine. If I can, I dress him in his school clothes instead of pajamas, so that's one less morning battle. Also, he mostly eats pancakes or chocolate chip waffles for breakfast (I know.....). But again, one less battle over food.

good luck to you!!!

[KpbS]

I remember your posts and that your DD is very young. I think she should stay in Kinder and would explain the situation to the teacher. Ask her specifically for a special classroom job that your DD gets to do each day or maybe a special journal project for her. I bet once all of the newness and adjustment period is over she will love her new town/school/house/etc. It's just a lot of change all at once--esp for little ones. Hang in there and be strong, mama! You can do it!!!!! :hug:

[niccig]

She has to go, that’s her job, to go to school. I’m a school SLP and I’ve been in situations where we evaluate a student because of behaviors of refusing to go to school or do the work. What I saw when I observed was that the child would keep refusing, crying for mom, telling teacher to call grandmother to pick him up, running out of the room, and eventually the adults gave in and child’s parents were called to pick them up. All that did was teach the child to keep refusing and eventually they got to be at home. So next time, child refused even more.

So there can’t be any wiggle room. You’re not sick, you go to school for the full day. You and grandparents can’t be with her.

How to get her to be there - have you tried giving her something that she can have that’s yours? DS used to have a locket (nothing expensive) with my picture in a pocket of his backpack.
I have a different child now who brings his security blanket, and he does great, until the teacher took it from him as punishment. I gave her death stares!!! He’s never been in school and shuts down when he doesn’t have his blanket. Let him have it! There’s time to wean it later.

If you do give her something, make sure tell staff to not take it from her!

You said your DD is stubborn and only wants to do what she wants- the issue with that is that school activities are non-preferred. Kids don’t want to sit and do math, reading, writing etc if they don’t like it. But it’s required that they do. I hope the teacher is a good fit, the security blanket teacher is very inflexible, so I’m suggesting a change of teachers for thus child


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[carolinamama]

It all sounds like so much for your DD (and you). I'm sorry you are all dealing with this. I'm not sure if she should be in K or 1st being on the outside. That is something that you and her teachers have to discuss if appropriate. However, I do know that my kids pick up on stress and thrive when their boundaries are well laid-out and enforced by parents and teachers, especially when other aspects of our lives are chaotic. My kids get almost out of control behaviorally and emotionally when I'm distracted by life and don't clearly set and enforce our family expectations. School is non-preferred but non-negotiable. That being said, and only having limited knowledge of your situation, it may help your DD for you to determine the course from here forward (with the school's help), explain exactly what you all expect to her, how you will help her adjust (blanket, picture, comfort corner, special job in classroom, whatever works) and then go from there. Moving, starting a new school and living with grandparents is hard. Hoping for you all that everything gets more settled over time.

[bisous]

So there can’t be any wiggle room. You’re not sick, you go to school for the full day. You and grandparents can’t be with her.

Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

This is what we have to do for DS3. Last year he was only in TK. K isn't even required in my state let alone TK! But we felt like it was the right place for him and he didn't get any days off. Even days when I pulled my older kids to do a family activity I made DS3 go to school which sounds so mean! But if he had even one day off, the next day going to school was a real struggle.

Though I can relate, I don't have a ton of advice. Much of what you've gotten already is very good. Good luck figuring out this puzzle! It sounds very stressful.

[Simon]

For my oldest we had to establish a hand-off routine at the school. He would absolutely flip out if I tried to leave him: total screaming meltdown. A designated adult came to meet me at the front door and took Ds' hand and engaged him in conversation and walked him to class (early, before the first bell and the mad rush of other kids). My job was to turn and walk away (no looking back!). After the first few days of the new routine, he did much, much better. Eventually, we could substitute other adults but he did require an escort the entire first year. The next year he was a totally different kid and transitioned just fine. For him, it was a combination of anxiety and lots of similar changes (we had also just moved so new school and a radically different school culture/environment).

[jacksmomtobe]

It sounds like there is a lot of change that has happened and you have a strong willed child. As others have said you just have to continue to be firm. My Dd was out one yr with an extended illness and it was really had to transition her back to school because she still didn't feel 100% and had some worries about going back. I has to be really firm with her and not make any exceptions to her going to school. I felt very mean at times but in the end age thanked me for pushing her. It is tough being a parent but you have to stick to your guns. I think Niccig gave you some great advice.

As far as moving grades I think there is too much change that has already happened. School at the younger grades is more than academics. I live in a high performing district in a state with a strong educational system. I am so glad that my kids long time principal realized the other important aspects of the elementary years and focused on developing the whole child. He was really good at giving some parents perspective and letting kids be kids. The academics will come. I think you want to work with the school to help your child with this transition and not add more to the situation. I have friends who moved here from another state and rather than having their child re-do 1st grade as the principal suggested they put him in 2nd. The kid was at a disadvantage in many ways (mostly social expectations) and is now going to a private school to repeat 5th grade. The parents realize in hindsight that they should have had the child repeat when they moved here.

[MSWR0319]

I would leave her where she is and get tough. No options, no early pickups. She goes to school unless she's sick. Maybe if she goes willingly (at least walks and not screams at first) you can eat lunch with her after x days of that routine. Then start adding days to the next lunch and phase it out. My friend's daughter did this (but it was a sudden change and no other changes at home) and it was discovered that she had PANDAS. But that doesn't sounds like this is your case because you've had so many changes and you mention that she wasn't thrilled about it last year, but didn't act like this. I feel like a lot of it is anxiety and stress from the changes at home. Moving a month ago isn't very long and she's probably unsettled and a nervous because she knows no one and it's all new. Does your school have a therapy dog or anything? We have one and for kids having issues like this, the dog comes out to get them and the kids seem to take right to him and go in. I feel for you. My oldest has no currency and is very strong willed. Doesn't matter what you threaten him with, he does what he wants.

[niccig]

So DS at 12 refused to get out of bed today. He wanted to do zero period, so he starts school at 7am. He told us he’s going to the counselor today and drop zero period. We told him No, he will get up, go to class, he can not unilaterally decide to drop a class. He can when he’s 18 and in college, but not 12 and in middle school. He said he was still going to do it, we said we would call the counselor to let him know we refuse to give permission, which I have done. He was going to class even if late and we would walk him in and he can suffer consequences of being tardy.

My kid hates me right now. So be it.

We will discuss his schedule this weekend with him. He’s been difficult to get to bed and DH said he’s not quitting until he’s been consistent with going to bed at an earlier time. So DS will continue to be mad at us.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[TwinFoxes]

You have my sympathies, this sounds like a nightmare. I think, ideally, she would have been put in first grade, I don't understand the reasoning behind repeating kindergarten at all. (And the school doesn't do academics until middle school?? That can't be right.) I don't know if switching her now would help or not. On the one hand I think more change won't be helpful, on the other hand I think this situation is untenable, putting her in first can't be worse.

We clearly have different parenting styles (it would never have even crossed my mind to pick her up early), so I don't know if my suggestions will work for you. When she starts talking about not going I'd just say "honey, we're not going to talk about that anymore," and then not talk about it. Don't engage. You have my sympathies, this sounds like a nightmare. I think, ideally, she would have been put in first grade, I don't understand the reasoning behind repeating kindergarten at all. (And the school doesn't do academics until middle school?? That can't be right.) I don't know if switching her now would help or not. On the one hand I think more change won't be helpful, on the other hand I think this situation is untenable, putting her in first can't be worse. But I think the most important thing right now is for her to understand that she's going to school, and her behavior is going to stop.


So DS at 12 refused to get out of bed today. He wanted to do zero period, so he starts school at 7am. He told us he’s going to the counselor today and drop zero period. We told him No, he will get up, go to class, he can not unilaterally decide to drop a class. He can when he’s 18 and in college, but not 12 and in middle school. He said he was still going to do it, we said we would call the counselor to let him know we refuse to give permission, which I have done. He was going to class even if late and we would walk him in and he can suffer consequences of being tardy.

My kid hates me right now. So be it.



This is more my parenting style. :)

[MoeJoe]

I do not have much advice- if anything I need it myself! I'm in a similar situation with my first grader. However, she was like this last year too. Every SINGLE day says she hates school and each step I have to help her do it if I want it done. At drop off time, she takes forever to leave the car, sometimes needs to be taken out by me. Often she cries on the side not going in to the school. BUT, she usually comes home happy, though still claims even then to hate school. The teachers say she does well etc... I think with my daughter, she has anxiety over everything and is a perfectionist on top of that. She hates criticism, even constructive.

I wish I had advice for you and for me!!!

Good luck!

[bisous]

So DS at 12 refused to get out of bed today. He wanted to do zero period, so he starts school at 7am. He told us he’s going to the counselor today and drop zero period. We told him No, he will get up, go to class, he can not unilaterally decide to drop a class. He can when he’s 18 and in college, but not 12 and in middle school. He said he was still going to do it, we said we would call the counselor to let him know we refuse to give permission, which I have done. He was going to class even if late and we would walk him in and he can suffer consequences of being tardy.

My kid hates me right now. So be it.

We will discuss his schedule this weekend with him. He’s been difficult to get to bed and DH said he’s not quitting until he’s been consistent with going to bed at an earlier time. So DS will continue to be mad at us.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

Nicci, this is totally off topic but what you did is just perfect with your DS but I still wanted to mention something. I'm wondering if he's hitting the same thing that happened to my DS1 who is just a year older or so. DS1 all of a sudden couldn't get to sleep at the usual time. He'd toss and turn and then have trouble waking in the morning. My understanding is that it is developmental. We've been using melatonin with some success to help him get up (he only has to get up at 7:00). We're going to start using Magnesium too. Anyway. Sorry that's off topic but it stood out to me!

[sariana]

Nicci, this is totally off topic but what you did is just perfect with your DS but I still wanted to mention something. I'm wondering if he's hitting the same thing that happened to my DS1 who is just a year older or so. DS1 all of a sudden couldn't get to sleep at the usual time. He'd toss and turn and then have trouble waking in the morning. My understanding is that it is developmental. We've been using melatonin with some success to help him get up (he only has to get up at 7:00). We're going to start using Magnesium too. Anyway. Sorry that's off topic but it stood out to me!

Good advice; thanks for sharing. I have a 13-year-old boy who also has trouble falling asleep.

[niccig]

You have my sympathies, this sounds like a nightmare. I think, ideally, she would have been put in first grade, I don't understand the reasoning behind repeating kindergarten at all. (And the school doesn't do academics until middle school?? That can't be right.) I don't know if switching her now would help or not. On the one hand I think more change won't be helpful, on the other hand I think this situation is untenable, putting her in first can't be worse.

We clearly have different parenting styles (it would never have even crossed my mind to pick her up early), so I don't know if my suggestions will work for you. When she starts talking about not going I'd just say "honey, we're not going to talk about that anymore," and then not talk about it. Don't engage. You have my sympathies, this sounds like a nightmare. I think, ideally, she would have been put in first grade, I don't understand the reasoning behind repeating kindergarten at all. (And the school doesn't do academics until middle school?? That can't be right.) I don't know if switching her now would help or not. On the one hand I think more change won't be helpful, on the other hand I think this situation is untenable, putting her in first can't be worse. But I think the most important thing right now is for her to understand that she's going to school, and her behavior is going to stop.



This is more my parenting style. :)

My kid doesn’t have anxiety or other issues, so this way doesn’t work with everyone. He was giving me death stares as eating breakfast. I emailed his counselor as a FYI who said students can not drop/change classes without parent permission. We will discuss DS’s issues with being tired, I never thought about trouble sleeping, so I’ll ask him and look into Melatonin- I think it’s more a “want to stay up” on tablet issue. So starting today, devices are gone from his room. I need to enforce better bedtime and see if that helps. If he still wants to drop zero period, I can see doing it at end of semester. You can’t just drop a class whenever you want without consequences


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[rlu]

Good advice; thanks for sharing. I have a 13-year-old boy who also has trouble falling asleep.

ditto. although this week he has a cold that we saw coming and couldn't prevent that messed up his sleep routine.

eta: in regards to OP, separation anxiety sucks. I love the therapy dog at school suggestion. Probably would have made elem school so much easier for us.

[rlu]

Does your school have a therapy dog or anything? We have one and for kids having issues like this, the dog comes out to get them and the kids seem to take right to him and go in.

I cannot stress how much I love this idea!

Our elem had a check-in program where kids would "check in" with the admin each morning, break, etc., if they needed it. These were not only the kids the principal was helping with behaviors but also the kids that needed a friendly face to get them through the day emotionally. My DS didn't really click with her so it was for naught for him, but helped many.

[Kindra178]

Seems like an extremely hard situation. Just drop her and don't look back, similar to what others said. At our school, the kids all wait outside before the bell rings. It's super overwhelming, tons of kids of all ages swarming about. The bigger fourth grade kids may seem ver y intimidating to the younger crowd. I'm wondering if you can arrange with a staff member to drop off at your own door, where there is no chaos. On the way, a la twinfoxes above, be super matter of fact - "yes, you are going to school, no I can't get you early." Keep saying that same thing.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[magnoliaparadise]

Update:

Hi,
OP here. I wanted to say a big thank you for everyone's thoughts and suggestions. I really loved reading your responses.

My 5 yo is doing much better (thankfully!!) and is going to school every day fairly easily in comparison to a couple weeks ago. Although things aren't perfect - DD2 still would rather not go and tells me on most days and sometimes still begs for 'just one day!' off from school - she seems to have accepted that she will go and moves forward in the morning with almost no opposition, with only some days of whimpering. The school and the 'sticker' system with reward that the school imposed really helped a lot. After three straight days of getting to school on time, DD2 plays an iPad game for about 15 minutes. It helps that I don't give my kids much game screen time so the school's reward happens to be a big carrot for my DD2.

So... when I look back at my post, I realize how far we have come. I forgot how NICE it is to wake up and get your kids up and ready and off to school without a hitch.

By all accounts, DD2 is extremely happy once she gets there. I met with her teacher and the school again and they say that she is thriving and very comfortable in class and very social.

I do think that the academics are slow and that DD2 is ready (and wants) to do much more, but the teachers/admin think that DD2 is in the right class. I could surely fight it, and am not shy at all about advocating hard for anything if I am committed to a certain view, but in this case, I am ambivalent and don't feel strongly enough about moving DD2 to "fall on my sword" for it. I worry that a new teacher and class would upend DD2 again, especially because DD2's teacher is SO lovely and perfect for DD2. I also feel like many of DD2's classmates seem, at least from first glance, approximately the same developmental and academic level, give or take. So, I've decided that we should go with K for now and see how she does.

I just think this state must pedagogically feel that it is important to keep kids 'young'. In my other state, it was practically a militaristic teaching pedagogy in comparison! I am being humorous, but only slightly. :)

In fact, DD2's last year's kindergarten teacher in our former state, got married over the summer and by coincidence also moved to the same state we are now. I had reached out to her, asked her how she was doing, and said we would love to see her. I just re-read the email and had not say anything else - not anything about DD2 or our new school. Last Year's K Teacher responded that she was now working here (though not in my town). She initiated this: "The schools here are VERY different! I imagine if (DD2's) school is like the one where I'm working now, the academics are probably easier for her this year than they were in my class last year!!"

Interesting that Last Year's K teacher felt the exact same way I did. I gulped a little when I read that, realizing that if she feels that way thinking that DD2 is in first grade, she will really raise her eyebrows when she hears DD2 is in K again. At the same time, reading Last Year's K Teacher's email was really comforting because it confirmed my impression that this state is super easy academically, at least in the early elementary school years.

I should add that this state is considered very good academically so it must just be that they employ a different way of thinking of teaching kids for the early years - i.e. social and emotional focus over academic focus. Whether one way or another is better academically in the long term, I have no idea.

I am going to start giving DD2 extra work at night - getting her to read, in particular. She is on the brink of reading by herself and once she does, will be more independent and motivated to learn through books in school since there is a 'reading' time and 'nap' time (in which she can choose to read). We started last night and she was excited.

A few things in response to posters' comments:

I did send DD2 to school every day, even though she refused to go. I think that was unclear. I only missed two days and that was because we were traveling, not due to DD2's dislike of school.

Yes, in the midst of DD2's upset, I checked out private schools, including Montessori. Besides the $$$ and lack of available seats for both of them, they were also not great fits for different reasons individually - so I dropped the idea.

I was partly tongue and cheek when I said that academics started in middle school here. I think what I really meant is that perhaps academics ramped up then and that there was a sudden shift in responsibility and rigor in homework and tests. I don't know that for sure - I'm just surmising based upon some friends whose kids go to other schools that seem comparable (theirs are private, not public, but seem very progressive and 'play' and keeping academics less rigorous in elementary school, like my kids' school).

I also wanted to clarify that I wasn't standing by all of my strategies as a parent, but had made some choices in my desperation that I regretted and had told my kids that I wouldn't make again (eg taking them out early).

Thank you again!! I really appreciate it!!

[anonomom]

I'm glad things are going better. :-)