Still grieving my grandma...

[SASM]

Hello,

My grandmother passed away in March. I wasn't able to be at her bedside in the end due to distance, cost, and my little family's needs. Although it ebbs and flows (most likely monthly) I am still grieving tremendously. I wasn't able to get a piece of her jewelry to wear daily. My mom doesn't have anything and, I believe, my aunt/uncle took some pieces for their grandchildren. It is what it is. I have pictures of her scattered throughout my home and her mixer and breadbox are in my kitchen...I see them daily. I would just sooo LOVE to have a part of her with me throughout the day. For a while, I was thinking of getting a simple band like hers or a thin rose gold band (for my Italian Rosie) in the end it's just jewelry...not a piece of her. Please help me thinking how I can get past this.


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[MontrealMum]

I'm so sorry about your grandmother When my paternal grandmother died, years ago now, my aunt managed to end up with nearly everything that was worth any $ value. I have one ring which, while lovely, my grandma herself never wore. It never fit her. and was something she'd inherited from her mil. I was quite ticked about it at the time, and that my dad didn't stand up for me more. Now that I've lost my own mom I have a better idea of what he may have been going through and that maybe he wasn't thinking very clearly.

In any case, what I did end up with were all her recipes. She was a fabulous cook and I have many fond memories of cooking with her as a child. It's very comforting to me to be able to still share that with her in some way by cooking her recipes for my family. Can you look at her mixer like that?


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[KpbS]

I think it is a lovely idea to have a piece of jewelry made to remember your grandmother. Personally I would chose a gold bracelet engraved with either her name or special sentiment or date. I would also probably make a photo collage of her and frame it in your home for your children to see and remember her also.

I have some hand written letters from my grandmother who has passed away and a few other odds and ends in a box. I recently found a little decorative piece I helped her restore when part of it broke. I cried when I found it and placed the piece on my mantle for now. I'm reminded most of her by random things like a scarf or seeing an elderly woman walking with a shopping cart slowly at the store. I still really miss her.

So sorry for you loss. :hug:

[California]

Do you have any cards or letters with her signature? My kids' grandpa recently passed away and I've thought of getting something like this: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=signature%20jewelry

[azzeps]

Do you have any cards or letters with her signature? My kids' grandpa recently passed away and I've thought of getting something like this: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=signature%20jewelry

I was thinking of this, too!

It's ok to grieve! It comes and goes. It will likely fade as time passes, but I think some things always hurt a little. I'm sorry you didn't get any jewelry. Sometimes those mementos help us feel like our loved one is still with us. It's ok to feel how you feel, for as long as you need to feel it!

Hugs!

[mackmama]

Do you have any cards or letters with her signature? My kids' grandpa recently passed away and I've thought of getting something like this: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=signature%20jewelry

I love this idea. Made me cry as we just lost a parent this weekend. Thank you.

[magnoliaparadise]

The Etsy idea is beautiful.

Grieving is hard. It comes and goes and seems to have it's own life for each person and each loss.
When my nephew was 10 and dying of cancer, I was lost and didn't know how to deal with anything because of it, including grief. I talked to a grief therapist several times. It was before I had children and didn't know if I was going to have any and my nephew lived down the street and my family is very small. I was very close to him and I was deeply fearful, sad, and grieving.

The therapist was basically someone who specialized in helping people with death. I actually spoke to her by phone (I believe she was in Vermont). I can't remember everything she said, but I remember really feeling 'heard'. I would say things that I worried were crazy or on the edge and she made me feel like everything I felt or thought was totally normal.

One of the most amazing things she said to me that I hadn't known was that grief affects everyone differently. I remember I hadn't cried and was deeply troubled by that. She said that everyone handles grief differently and that some people grieve all at once and emotionally, some people grieve quietly over years, and that some people are totally fine and then have major periods of grief years and years later. This happened to my friend who lost her mother as a teenager and feels that she really grieved her mother in a break down as an adult. This also happened to me. I lost a woman who was like a grandmother to me (when she was dying, I took her last name as my middle). Years after grieving - maybe 15 - I was in a writing weekend workshop and wrote a story about her - I don't even think it was about her death - just something about her - and when it was my time to read to the group, I sobbed and sobbed hysterically, as if it were imminent grief.

Knowing that grief is sometimes a slow process for some people somehow allowed me to let go of some of my anxiety about my grief - all my questions in my head were eased, all the questions like: Would I forget my nephew if I wasn't grieving? Did I not love him as much as I felt I did if I wasn't grieving that second? etc. I was able to trust that my nephew would be with me always and I could just be.

I know this isn't related to your grief, but the therapist said something else that helped me, which was that grief can take place before someone dies. I felt uncomfortable grieving my nephew (or even feeling sad) when he was still alive, but she pointed out that I may be grieving the loss that he was going through (loss of his childhood, several surgeries and being in a wheelchair), the loss of his 'old' happy shining playful self, the loss of my assumption that he would live a normal life, and even the grief that he might die and that things were not looking good even though he was still living. Before she said this, I felt I was betraying my nephew for feeling that grief. Once she said it, I realized that I was grieving things - not his death, but losses still - even as he lived and that was ok and normal and not undermining my love for him and deepest prayer that he would survive. Losses, even if not death, are still grief.

If you can find a grief therapist in your area, I think it might be really helpful. There are also some amazing grief books out there. One that is often discussed is written by a rabbi (though I think is not religious - I don't think I've read it so am not sure) called 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People'.

About jewelry and as an aside: I really really relate. I have told almost no one in my life this, but my grandmother died in a nursing home when I was a young adult and within two days, I went over and asked for the jewelry. I was outraged that it wasn't in her room. The nursing home had taken it and put it away for safe keeping, but had forgotten to remind us about it.

I mentioned it to my aunt when I saw her and was looking for it and it turned out that she had been looking for it, too. Believe me, it wasn't at all expensive - it was plain and would not mean anything to anyone, but us - it was only sentimental - a necklace and a ring - but my grandmother always wore that little ring and had been given it as a child so it had deep sentimental value for me.

My aunt very generously gave me the ring when we both found it. I wore it for years. Eventually, I took it off and wore it intermittently. My fingers were big and the ring was too tight and I meant to get it made bigger. But when my children were young and I was rushing to work and had no family around, there was a period of time that I had many many people in my house helping out coming and going. There was one particular period of a couple of months that I didn't have one nanny for my kids so was relying on new people or fill in people a lot. I remember those days with a sense of astonishment - the feeling like my house was a train station of people coming in and out ... in hindsight, some were one-offs for a day or week and I really didn't know them at all and they were taking care of my children.

During that time, the ring went missing and I have never found it. I looked everywhere. Honestly, I don't know if any of the people helping me stole it - I assume so - but it might have just fell and or was put away and landed in a box somewhere that I will eventually find. I still hope and fantasize about that, even though I know it's unlikely. I still think about that ring all the time and I have never said anything to my aunt, because I fear it will hurt her a lot to think of the ring as gone and I feel terribly.

After reading this, I think I will get someone to re-make that ring just for my own completion and having my grandmother (nana) close. It probably won't be the same or look the same, but it will mean something to me. It was a plain flat gold heart with my grandmother's initials inscribed, but mostly faded with time.

Thank you for starting this post.

[squimp]

Big hugs. It has been a very short time, you are still grieving. My grandmother died when I was 20, same cancer that John McCain has, we all still miss her. DD's middle name is her first name. I was talking to DD about her yesterday and teared up a little. 30+ years later. I wish DD could have met her, but I try to keep her memory alive.

[#2ontheway]

Wow, magnoliaparadise, what a lovely post. Your thoughts will really stay with me.

[SASM]

Wow...I honestly cannot THANK ALL OF YOU ENOUGH for all of your thoughtful posts!! Throughout the week I'd read one quickly while on the go and just smile...or bawl. I absolutely love the idea of wearable script or one of those photos etched into a heart charm.

Magnolia, thank you so much for posting your story. ❤️ I pray that your grandmother's ring comes out from hiding place.


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[Twoboos]

Do you have any cards or letters with her signature? My kids' grandpa recently passed away and I've thought of getting something like this: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=signature%20jewelry

This is amazing. Now I have to find something with my mom's signature/handwriting!

[essnce629]

Do you have any cards or letters with her signature? My kids' grandpa recently passed away and I've thought of getting something like this: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=signature%20jewelryWow, I love this! This would be a great idea for my mom whose dad passed away 8 years ago. He was a prolific letter writer.

Also, I have this necklace in rose gold and wear it daily.
https://www.mantraband.com/products/always-in-my-heart-necklace


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[citymama]

We are so lucky to know and love our grandmothers. I still miss mine and she passed 5 years ago. I think of her all the time and am learning that a part of her truly lives in me. Sending hugs.