Update post 56. How do I convince DH to agree to a get a dog?

[wendibird22]

Update in post 56.


I posted about us putting our almost 12yo dog to sleep at the beginning of December. I was, and continue to be a wreck over it. At first my sadness and longing were because I was mourning Brady. But now I'm just sad about not having a dog. After over 11yrs of being responsible for the care of a dog and reaping the benefits of daily dog kisses and snuggles, that part of my life feels empty. I've always been a dog lover. We had a dog when I was 8-18yr old and after I got married, I couldn't wait to buy a house so that I could get a dog. We lived in our house a year and then we got Brady. DH never had a dog as a child and Brady was his first and always said he'd be our only dog. My DDs want another dog just as badly but they don't ask DH about it because he's already said no and they think he either doesn't take their request seriously or they don't want to get yelled at for repeatedly asking about something they've already received an answer to. I've talked to DH about it once and he said we are too busy and it wouldn't be fair to the dog. I don't understand how we've magically gotten busier than we were a month ago??? I do admit that both DDs are in activities a few nights a week and DH and I both WOH full time. But I don't think that's unique or makes us any busier than most pet owners. And the girls ages make them fairly independent and able to also contribute to the care of a dog. DH's sister and her husband visited us for 5 days over the holiday break and brought their 7yo lab with them. It was so great having a dog in the house again and DD2, in particular, was stuck to him like glue. I seriously think I need one for my own emotional well being. When I see pictures or videos of dogs online or get to visit with one in person I light up. I've always been that way. They simply bring me tremendous joy. I think I'm just hard wired that way and maybe DH just isn't. He loved our dog and misses him too, but I just don't think he has that NEED like I do. I've PM'ed him a few FB posts from local rescues with dogs that are available and he doesn't even respond or acknowledge to me in person that he's received it.

I'm not looking to get a new puppy. I'd be content with something housebroken and crate trained. Even better would be a dog that is a few years old and has mellowed a bit. We did the puppy thing with Brady and don't need to do that again. And I think if "we are too busy" then yes, a puppy might be too much. I wish I could get DH to at least agree to revisit the discussion or wait until the summer when we are both off from work for the full month of July and he's still off in August. I just can't see going the rest of my life without another dog.

[georgiegirl]

If he’s clear he doesn’t want another dog, please don’t force him. There have been a few threads over the past year where moms feel pressured into have a dog, and the resounding advice here is “don’t let him force you into having one.” I think it’s fine to bring it up in a few months to see if he’s changed his mind.

[o_mom]

OP - I feel for you. I can't imagine not having a dog and I'm not sure what I would do if DH refused to have one.

We did get our current dog as an adult as I didn't want to do the puppy thing again, but we went with a service dog failure, so it was not the complete unknown of a rescue.

Is it possible that he is more broken up about losing the dog than he admits? That he doesn't want to put himself out there again? If so, time may help that, so revisiting the topic in a few months may help.

[ChicagoNDMom]

This is tough. I am just like you, hard-wired to have and love a dog. But, we have 2 busy kids and both WOH and if DH was not 100% on board and fully sharing in all dog-related responsibilities, it simply would not work. No real advice, just sympathy.

[mackmama]

I'd arrange a time to chat with your husband in person about this rather than emailing him potential dogs. Perhaps start with a letter where you can write out what you just wrote to us. While I don't think your DH should be 'forced' or pressured to get another dog, I do think there are individuals who basically "need" to have a dog. Does your DH understand this about you? Have you truly explained it to him? Perhaps you could have a brief couples counseling session to discuss it if talking face to face doesn't go well. While he shouldn't be forced into a dog, you also shouldn't be forced to live without something that fills a need in your soul. So - a compromise must be made, and you guys need to talk to figure one out.

[div_0305]

Is your husband aware of how strongly you feel and how important this is to you? Have you told him you think it's crucial to your emotional well-being? Maybe you need to see if there's any way to compromise--such as being a foster dog family for a while or explaining that you are not looking for a puppy?

[trcy]

Gosh that’s hard! Our dog is getting older and I can’t imagine not getting another one after she’s gone. I’d shelf it for a little while and then bring it up again. I like PP’s idea about fostering. Maybe that will help him realize how much he likes having a dog too.


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[hillview]

Could you foster?

[hbridge]

I have a friend who is a weekend trainer for service dogs. They pick up the dog on Friday at the prison and return him on Sunday. All the love of the dog on the weekend, but not during the week and no responsibility for vet bills, ect. The kicker is that when the dog gets to a certain age, he leaves you and is placed with his "person".

It's an amazing program and my friend loves doing it. Every week the dog learns new "tricks" with his prison trainer and then they take the dog everywhere on the weekends. Might be something to consider if there is a program near you.

[petesgirl]

I think with the recent loss of your dog and the busyness that surrounds the holidays just ending, I would leave it alone for a few months. Hopefully he just needs some time and then when summer comes and life slows down a bit for you he will come around. Do you think he is struggling with the idea of 'replacing' the dog that has been part of your family for so long?

[squimp]

So, I am not a dog person, so I'm trying to see through your DH's viewpoint. Everything in your message focuses on how you feel. You didn't really give your DH's perspective. Why doesn't he want a dog? Is there some reason that could be overcome, or could he need some more time to be ready for a dog?

[StantonHyde]

Who does the work with the dog? For our dog, I do all the work. Feeding, making vet and grooming apps, taking him to them, etc. Sometimes DH will pick him up from the groomer. There are times when DH has walked the dog--but basically its me or the kids. I feed him, give him water, etc. So from that standpoint, DH would have no room to say we couldn't have a dog.

But I need someone who wants a dog around--like petting them and appreciating that they are here. And DH totally does. DH sleeps in the basement bedroom because he works late nights and the dog will go down and sleep with him from like 12-5am and he sleeps with me before and after that.

So if you agree to do ALL OF THE WORK and DH is ok with having a dog around, then you should be fine. Maybe he is worried about something else or still grieving. Who knows--you have to figure out how to ask him. And I would let it sit for a bit--let things settle in some.

ITA no puppies! My family raised bird dogs. When I was an adult, I was so excited to get a dog--but I sure as heck was never getting another puppy. Try to find a 2-3 year old dog. And let your DH know that you will take your time to find the RIGHT dog vs. taking anything. E.g. a dog that is house trained, gets along well with kids, etc. You will want to contact a variety of rescue groups plus pass out a "paper" at some vet offices--highlight how great your family/dog situation is and say that you will adopt a dog. Let all of your friends know you are looking for a good dog. We got our recent dog when a friend said that someone in their church was moving to Germany and needed to adopt out their dog. He is wonderful. (and we have undone every ounce of discipline.......)

So give it a couple of months. Then have a sit down conversation with what is preventing him from saying yes to a dog. And let him know just how much it means to you, too. Then see if you can mitigate his concerns. Go from there. I can't imagine life without our wonderful furry friends.

[sariana]

Nothing anyone could say would convince me to agree to get a dog. I don't like them, don't want one, and will not have one.

Fortunately I'm also allergic, so that helps.

Your DH might be willing to compromise, but he also might be adamant.

[pastrygirl]

No words of wisdom here. I want my first ever dog, but my husband won’t budge. I had to stop looking at adoption sites, though I still “like” them on FB so I see some available dogs. We have two cats, and I’m a total cat person, so I’m glad to at least have something furry to love. But ... I want a dog.

[petesgirl]

Who does the work with the dog? For our dog, I do all the work. Feeding, making vet and grooming apps, taking him to them, etc. Sometimes DH will pick him up from the groomer. There are times when DH has walked the dog--but basically its me or the kids. I feed him, give him water, etc. So from that standpoint, DH would have no room to say we couldn't have a dog.

But I need someone who wants a dog around--like petting them and appreciating that they are here. And DH totally does. DH sleeps in the basement bedroom because he works late nights and the dog will go down and sleep with him from like 12-5am and he sleeps with me before and after that.

So if you agree to do ALL OF THE WORK and DH is ok with having a dog around, then you should be fine. Maybe he is worried about something else or still grieving. Who knows--you have to figure out how to ask him. And I would let it sit for a bit--let things settle in some.

ITA no puppies! My family raised bird dogs. When I was an adult, I was so excited to get a dog--but I sure as heck was never getting another puppy. Try to find a 2-3 year old dog. And let your DH know that you will take your time to find the RIGHT dog vs. taking anything. E.g. a dog that is house trained, gets along well with kids, etc. You will want to contact a variety of rescue groups plus pass out a "paper" at some vet offices--highlight how great your family/dog situation is and say that you will adopt a dog. Let all of your friends know you are looking for a good dog. We got our recent dog when a friend said that someone in their church was moving to Germany and needed to adopt out their dog. He is wonderful. (and we have undone every ounce of discipline.......)

So give it a couple of months. Then have a sit down conversation with what is preventing him from saying yes to a dog. And let him know just how much it means to you, too. Then see if you can mitigate his concerns. Go from there. I can't imagine life without our wonderful furry friends.

I think there is a lot more to consider than just who does the work though. I grew up with dogs-can't think of a time growing up when we didn't have one and I loved it then but now the thought of having an animal in my living space gives me the heebie-jeebies and I'm not really sure why! For one thing - the hair! I would lose my mind if my house was covered in dog hair. I told DH over the holidays that I may not be going to my sister's house very often anymore because she has two dogs and even though they vacuumed right before we visited I still got home and had hair everywhere on my coat and pants. The dog would also not be allowed in my bed, as in ever. Especially when I'm trying to sleep. So, yeah, even if OP does all the work the presence of the dog will still affect everyone in the house.
But, like you said, if he doesn't mind having a dog in the house maybe his only hang up is the responsibility.

[HannaAddict]

He needs to compromise too. You had a dog, you know about dogs, and I think it is quite different than people who just think it might be good. Maybe agree to a break for awhile, it is more work to travel etc. when you have a dog and need care for it etc. But I would insist at some point. Especially if I take care of the dog.


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[#2ontheway]

What a hard thing. I had a dog before we moved in together/got married. I used to joke (though not really) that the dog came first. Honestly, it would have been tough for me to commit to someone who wouldn't agree to a dog. I've had them my whole life. It is a thing for me. I can't imagine not having one. Now that dog is getting older and we recently got a second dog. My husband wasn't into the idea. I pushed. I do all the work, I'm home because I work from home. I REALLY didn't want a gap. He gets A LOT of things in our lives. This is my thing. It might be different if we'd never had a dog, if we both WOH, if I didn't do all the work, if he had allergies, but I feel like I get to have this and he needs to deal with it. And he is. and he does like the new dog. He just doesn't like that it creates complications (boarding when we travel, expenses, chaos etc etc).

But of course every situation is different and above all you need to think about whether you are inviting a situation where you'll have a dog that needs to be rehomed. Notice I didn't say that above all you need to think about how your husband feels ;) and truly every situation is different but in my marriage if I didn't push and put my foot down every now and then, my needs would never be met.

Sending hugs! So hard.

[DualvansMommy]

That is so hard. I'm like you, OP when it comes to dogs. DH can live without one, despite having grown up with one and owning two dogs for nearly 10 years with me. We split the care/responsibility though and it wasn't a puppy, but two house broken rescues as 2 and 3 year old dogs. I would feed, walk them before work as DH is already at work early, and he would do the reverse every afternoon as he's first to be home with me following behind an hour and half later. It was down to me taking them to the vet because I just knew more about dogs.

When our dogs died within a year of each other, I was completely devastated but didn't have much time to really think about it on day to day basis since I was running after a 2 year old, pregnant, then as a 3.5 and a baby when one of the dogs was sick long term. *I* even wanted a long break for a while cuz life was just so crazy for us with 2 small kids. DH said to me just recently he was glad I didn't push immediately for another dog as he knew how I am about having a dog, and it was cuz of letting him process the loss in his own time, being used in our house without the responsibility of having another pet helped him. Now he is open to the idea of adopting another rescue in 1-2 years when DS2 goes to Kindergarten full time.

I agree with pp saying let your DH process in his own time now that the craziness of holidays is over, let life settle in a bit and revisit the issue down the road. But at same time, be sorta prepared if he's still not open to owning one full time. Look into fostering for that.

[California]

I can totally relate to your feelings regarding dogs. A close relationship with a dog is a unique relationship. There's really no substitution for it. You are so recent in your loss of your dog. My heart really goes out to you. I can think back to how it felt after I had to say goodbye to my beloved dog companion after close to 15 good years together. It is so hard! I felt like a physical part of myself was missing. Give yourself time to feel the pain. I can tell that the thought of never having another dog is adding to your grief. Try to let that train of thought go rather than adding to that negative storyline in your head- it's very possible that your DH will come around. The thing is, you'll never be able to get the same dog you had before. May I gently suggest that you take this time as an opportunity to mourn. Do something in memory of your dog, journal, frame a photo of the dog, cry- whatever helps you process your grief. Then when you feel a little more peaceful and stronger revisit it with your DH.

[niccig]

I agree with giving DH some space, then have a conversation with him about why it’s so important to you. He may need time to come around.

DS and DH wanted a cat, I said no as where we live cats get taken by coyotes. DS kept asking. We were at petco getting food for the dog when they had a cat adoption event. DS asked for a cat AGAIN, I AGAIN explained why it wasn’t a good idea. He told me why he wanted a cat, and started getting upset so I could see how much it meant to him. And I agreed to talk to adoption people about getting a cat that’s an indoor cat. I wasn’t against cats, I love cats, but I didn’t want to lose another animal - it hurts, and it’s riskier to have a cat than a dog in my neighborhood. Well I’m glad I changed my mind as I totally love our cat. Yes, she does get outside sometimes, but we get her back inside as soon as we can. So we’re managing the risk.


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[gymnbomb]

Nothing anyone could say would convince me to agree to get a dog. I don't like them, don't want one, and will not have one.

Fortunately I'm also allergic, so that helps.

Your DH might be willing to compromise, but he also might be adamant.

Yes, this is me too. DH brings it up every once in a while, but he does it in a joking manner because he knew long before we got married that there was absolutely no way I would ever have a dog.


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[wendibird22]

Thank you all for your replies.


While he shouldn't be forced into a dog, you also shouldn't be forced to live without something that fills a need in your soul. So - a compromise must be made, and you guys need to talk to figure one out.

This is what's so hard. Whose opinion should carry more weight? Why should he get to say "no" and end of discussion, but if the shoe was on the other foot, why should I get to say "yes" and end of discussion. I feel much like a couple that can't agree on having a child or having another child.


Do you think he is struggling with the idea of 'replacing' the dog that has been part of your family for so long? Honestly, no. I trust that he'd tell me if he just felt it was too soon and he needed to get over the loss of Brady. He's always had a "one and done" opinion about having a dog. I've always talked about the next dog (like "our next dog's name should be XX) and he's always responded there is no next dog. He enjoyed having a dog and loved our dog, but I think he sees it as did that, don't need to do it again. Like I took a cruise and it was a blast, but I don't ever need to go on a cruise again.


So, I am not a dog person, so I'm trying to see through your DH's viewpoint. Everything in your message focuses on how you feel. You didn't really give your DH's perspective. Why doesn't he want a dog? Is there some reason that could be overcome, or could he need some more time to be ready for a dog?

Thank you for this. I need to do more asking about how DH feels vs what DH wants/doesn't want. His response so far has just been that we are too busy and it wouldn't be fair to a dog.


Who does the work with the dog? For our dog, I do all the work. Feeding, making vet and grooming apps, taking him to them, etc. Sometimes DH will pick him up from the groomer. There are times when DH has walked the dog--but basically its me or the kids. I feed him, give him water, etc. So from that standpoint, DH would have no room to say we couldn't have a dog.

With Brady it was pretty even. We both shared the responsibility of vet trips based upon our schedules. When the dog was young, DH would take him on runs. Once he was older he was content to just road the acre property we have and play outside with the kids. I probably did most of the feeding, though again, pretty shared. We have a mobile groomer who comes to your house with a grooming trailer and I'd take care of scheduling that. I would make sure that he got his annual vax and renewed the dog license with the town. Since we got him after 2yr of marriage he really was both of our dog.


Like I said, up post, I've always talked about a next dog and DH has always responded no next dog. To me that made sense back in the day because DH never had a dog before and while he loved our dog he lived most of his life without one and didn't see his life as NEEDING a dog. It was me who initiated getting Brady. I guess I had thought that losing our dog would reveal to him how great it was having a dog around and that he too would feel empty without one. He loves other peoples' dogs too. All of our friends have dogs and he gets a kick out of them and he snuggled on SIL's dog when they visited a few weeks ago. But while I hated to see SIL's dog leave and my house be dogless again, it didn't affect DH that way. And it's quite possible he thinks I'm just trying to fill my grief with another dog, which isn't the case.

Man, it's so hard when you want something so bad and someone else is standing in your way of that. Like why can't he see how much this means to me and love me so much he'd agree simply because he loves me that much. When you love something so deeply don't you want them to be happy and have the things that make them happy? But as soon as I say that, I put myself in his shoes and he could probably say the same thing. Don't I love him enough to accept his answer of no?

[georgiegirl]

Thank you all for your replies.



This is what's so hard. Whose opinion should carry more weight? Why should he get to say "no" and end of discussion, but if the shoe was on the other foot, why should I get to say "yes" and end of discussion. I feel much like a couple that can't agree on having a child or having another child.



In the situations where a couple can’t decide on whether to have another child, the advice is always, don’t do it. Never force parenting on someone who has clearly stated he/she doesn’t want another kids.



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[trcy]

Honestly, no. I trust that he'd tell me if he just felt it was too soon and he needed to get over the loss of Brady. He's always had a "one and done" opinion about having a dog. I've always talked about the next dog (like "our next dog's name should be XX) and he's always responded there is no next dog. He enjoyed having a dog and loved our dog, but I think he sees it as did that, don't need to do it again. Like I took a cruise and it was a blast, but I don't ever need to go on a cruise again.


This is how I feel about our guinea pigs, so I understand your DH’s POV. However, if it was really important to DH to get another gp when ours’ are gone, I would consider it. Fortunately DH didn’t want them to begin with, so that won’t be an issue. But I think your DH should be willing to budge a little. As I said, DH was completely opposed to the guinea pigs, but was willing to get them when he saw how much DD wanted them (I promised him he wouldn’t have to do anything to care for them).


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[bnme]

I don't think I'd let DH veto me in this case (had a previous dog). But I would only do it if I was willing to carry almost all of the burden. I don't think one no = no like with a child.

[khalloc]

My story is similar. We had 2 dogs for a long time even before we had kids. One dog died (old age) and we still had one left. Then in 2014 he got cancer. I knew I was going to have to put him to sleep. I also knew I wanted a new puppy. DH did not want to get another dog. He wanted "a break" because he's had dogs his whole life. I really didnt care. My dog that I had to put to sleep was my first dog ever. And I knew losing him would be awful and that having a new puppy would help me and the kids.

I just got the new puppy anyways. I didnt see the big deal. we had a dog before. We'd still have a dog. Plus, I would be the one to walk it and pay for all its expenses. And I dont ever travel for work. DH travels about 20% so I could see if I was away and those things would fall on him, but it wouldnt. It was 3 against 1. We got the puppy and now DH loves her. He will still say "I didnt want a dog" but he's the first one to snuggle with her on the couch, feed her, etc...So i think he's happy with the choice. I KNOW he is. He loves her like crazy.

[DualvansMommy]

I just got the new puppy anyways. I didnt see the big deal. we had a dog before. We'd still have a dog. Plus, I would be the one to walk it and pay for all its expenses. And I dont ever travel for work. DH travels about 20% so I could see if I was away and those things would fall on him, but it wouldnt. It was 3 against 1. We got the puppy and now DH loves her. He will still say "I didnt want a dog" but he's the first one to snuggle with her on the couch, feed her, etc...So i think he's happy with the choice. I KNOW he is. He loves her like crazy.

Glad it worked out for you in the end. I couldn’t do that since I don’t have those variables, ie DH traveling out a lot etc. he is home almost just as much I am due to his 2-3x a week working from home office.

This reminds me of a time when DH’s best friend stayed with us for a weekend 13 years ago, and his then fiancée got a dog for themselves without even discussing or running it by him. She just dropped this surprise on his plate and told him you’ll meet the new puppy upon returning home! To this day, he’s still resentful of what she pulled on him and really put his foot down on the 2nd dog his wife wanted to get few years later.



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[#2ontheway]

I don't think I'd let DH veto me in this case (had a previous dog). But I would only do it if I was willing to carry almost all of the burden. I don't think one no = no like with a child.

I agree. I pushed hard to get the second dog, even though my husband wasn't keen on the idea. But, I also had wanted to have another child, and my husband did not. I eventually had to move on from that. I'll always feel a little bit like there should have been another one. But, unfortunately, I think the no has to win when it comes to having a child. It's not like you can carry all the burden of another child. You really do have to have your co-parent on board and not just willing to tolerate it!

[boogiemom]

I’m so sorry, OP. That is really tough. My DH is like yours. He would happily live without a dog in the house. I love dogs and will not live in a house without a dog. We have two Yorkies. I adore them. They are part of what makes home HOME. My love of dogs is part of who I am. My boys love our dogs and I see so much positivity fostered in our home just by having dogs. My boys turn into total marshmallows with our dogs. Baby talk, snuggling, so much sweetness & love.

Yorkies are the perfect dogs for our family. They are low maintenance. They shed very, very little. Mostly, I only see hair when I brush them. They have hair more-so than fur so no one has ever had allergic reactions to them. I’m allergic to cats and some dogs but have never had an issue with a Yorkie. I have had other breeds but I can’t deal with the shedding and the big dog smell that my house had when we had larger dogs. Yorkies are perfect for our family. So, I understand all the complaints and negatives that can come with dogs. I did not enjoy having other breeds nearly as much as I enjoy Yorkies. Maybe he just hasn’t found his perfect fit breed?


As far as whose opinion wins? We go with whoever has the strongest opinion on the subject. In this instance, my DH would prefer that we have no dogs but doesn’t hate dogs or have an allergy or feel especially passionately about it. I love dogs! I do not feel at home without my fur girls. [emoji16] They just make me much happier and he wants me to be happy. Therefore, dogs. I am home more. I handle the majority of daily dog care, vet appts., boarding arrangements, etc. DH will do any of it if I ask but my DH basically doesn’t say no to me. ;-)

Good luck!


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[rlu]

I think your family needs to take time.

My parents had a 13 month old puppy when I was born. When she died when I was 12, my sister and I campaigned hard for another dog right away. My parents initially resisted but then gave in. We all loved that dog but when she passed from cancer at age 12, they did not get another dog for 20 years. It was too hard on them. They did eventually get another dog.

DH and I got BBD and LGD a few months after we purchased our first house. When they passed we decided to wait. DH's family always had one or two dogs, so waiting was not his norm, but he agreed we needed time to grieve. DS was very little and while he campaigned for a dog too, he was a toddler who had access to MIL's dog. As DS aged he campaigned more and more for a dog and DH and I felt dog-less so we all agreed (DS reluctantly) to wait until DS was old enough to help with the dog and once we decided that time had come we searched about a year to find the right dog.

It is hard for a dog person to be dog-less. But we were all on the same page. I think OP needs to wait and see if her DH changes his mind in a few months. Then decide how/if to push.

eta: I debated posting this part - when SIL2's family dog died, she immediately went out and brought home a puppy (same breed). While DN is kind to the dog, he did not seem to "take" to it. It was too soon for him.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would love another cat. Dh is staunchly opposed. It's been 5 years since we lost our cat and I think she was it for us. I enjoy visiting other pets but I actually am glad to be pet-free as it allows us lots of freedom. He won because he made the most sense out of us. :)
My friends pet-sit for their other friends. They love it. They get a pet fix for a weekend or a few weeks then they're done. It could be something fun to try. Or fostering, as suggested up thread.

[mnj77]

Man, it's so hard when you want something so bad and someone else is standing in your way of that. Like why can't he see how much this means to me and love me so much he'd agree simply because he loves me that much. When you love something so deeply don't you want them to be happy and have the things that make them happy? But as soon as I say that, I put myself in his shoes and he could probably say the same thing. Don't I love him enough to accept his answer of no?

I was the hesitant one when our previous dog passed away suddenly. That dog was kind of a PITA and I wasn't in a rush to get another one, but DH really needs a dog in his life. Our new dog is a great addition to our family. Especially since you're going to do the majority of the work, I think it would be a great gift from him to you to accede. Maybe you can think of something you can compromise on in return?

[doberbrat]

Yes, this is me too. DH brings it up every once in a while, but he does it in a joking manner because he knew long before we got married that there was absolutely no way I would ever have a dog.
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Nothing anyone could say would convince me to agree to get a dog. I don't like them, don't want one, and will not have one.

Fortunately I'm also allergic, so that helps.

Your DH might be willing to compromise, but he also might be adamant.

The difference here is knowing at the start that you guys dont want X animal. I went into my marriage knowing I have to have a dog. I will not live without one. I would not ever suggest bringing an animal into the home if everyone isnt on board, but at somepoint, someone has to give. Either you give up your dream or the other party sucks it up. FTR, I think that the person most impacted has more 'say'. In my home, for instance, I feed, groom, train and walk the dogs. Dh's involvemt is to let them in/out of the fenced in yard and the occasional yard clean up. And before going out, he has to put them in their kennels.

Sometimes, this might be a situation where a therapist might be able to be an impartial negotiator/mediator.

Fortunately, my dh is very aware that he'd best not ever make me choose between him and a dog. ;)

op I wish you all the best that it works out.

[wendibird22]

Thanks all for the continued advice and commiseration.

For PP who asked/encouraged memorializing our dog, we did. His ashes were buried next to a big giant boulder in our back yard that he used to hang out around and well, pee on. We have a few pics of him on our mantel (these were there long before he passed), my mom gave me a carved wooden box that's his breed, and "Santa" brought each of us something in the dog's stocking...paw charm necklaces for me and both DDs, a framed pic of DH snuggling him for DH, and a stuffed dog that looks a lot like our dog for DD2 who specifically asked Santa for a stuffy that looks like Brady (ps JellyCat stuffies are AMAZINGLY soft and cuddly!). I'm over the deep grief/mourning phase. I'm not looking to replace him or soothe myself with a replacement. Just truly love having a dog in my life.

Oh, and I couldn't help myself and I PM'd another FB post to DH last night of a Frenchie at a local rescue that was described as 2yr old, potty trained, crate trained, and low exercise needs. Ideal right? Plus frenchies are too stinking cute! I PM'd DH while he and I were talking about something else and we were both on our devices. I heard the ping of the notification so I know it would've at least popped up my words on his screen. He didn't even say a word. Gah, so frustrating. And yes, I know, you all said to stop sending him links to dogs and I will take that advice.

[jawilli4]

I feel sad and sorry for you. Your situation sounds so frustrating.

DH and I went through marriage counseling and were taught a technique to help to discuss conflicts where we both want different things. Namely, we both tell the other person how much we want something on a scale from 1 to 10. One being you could care less and ten being the most important thing imaginable. Is there a way you could ask your husband where he stands on the scale and tell him where you stand? At least it may open up a conversation and help you both with the other person's perspective.

[ChicagoNDMom]

Just me (and I am in the pro-dog camp): sending links/photos of available rescue dogs when your husband has said “no dog” is not a good approach and may raise his resistance.

You need to come to the core understanding of dog/no dog first. Picking the actual dog comes after that.

[ezcc]

I would say just hang in there- maybe table it for a bit. We lost our dog 8 or so years ago, he was my dog before I met DH and I was really devastated. DH never really liked this dog, and was secretly kind of relieved I think. For 2 or 3 years I talked about getting another dog- when anyone asked me what I wanted for birthday/christmas I would say a dog etc. Would regularly check petfinder. The kids would say they wanted a dog. DH was fairly adamant against it. Then, for my birthday 5 years ago he surprised me with a puppy. DH still is kind of lukewarm on the whole dog thing, although he likes this one a lot better. I still do 100% of the work. But, it has been wonderful all in all and one of the best things he has done for me. Your dh may have strong feelings about it now, but that doesn't mean you will never have a dog again!

[dogmom]

In the situations where a couple can’t decide on whether to have another child, the advice is always, don’t do it. Never force parenting on someone who has clearly stated he/she doesn’t want another kids.



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Or end the marriage. I’m not suggesting OP do this. But I’m a dog person. My first dog as an adult saved my sanity and put me in a place that I could be the right person to fall in love with my husband. He knows this about me. He could live without a dog, but he knows that just isn’t a good thing for me. I could see a period without dogs for a couple of years, but no dog ever again? I think my DH would know I would be so miserable he wouldn’t want to live with me like that!

[almostmom]

Just want to give another opinion from someone who doesn't want a dog. I grew up with dogs. So did DH. I don't hate them, I just don't need one of my own. DH had a cat when I met him, and we have a cat now. He really wants a dog, as do the kids. I have been adamant about not getting one. I know it would add to all our lives, bring joy, bring depth. But my plate is FULL. I don't need or want more responsibility. It made me want to cry thinking about adding more - what I want more of is downtime! I don't want the mess, or the smell. Our last cat was a huge shedder, and while I loved him (he was mine before ours), I am so happy to not have that in my life. For me, simpler is better, and that is totally opposite of getting a dog. Getting a pet is a long-term commitment that is a part of everything in your life - sneaking away for a night, going on vacation is a hassle, the house is dirty, it's costly, blah blah blah. I have so many reasons for not wanting a dog and it drives me crazy that my saying no makes them more adamant, like they can just keep pushing and pushing me. So I get your husband's perspective. He gave you your time with a dog, now he gets his time without. I would suggest letting him have that for awhile.
That all said, DH's father passed away 6 months ago. And that has been really really hard. So I have started to feel like a dog could fill that void of the best friend he suddenly lost. I'm actually open to it for once. And knowing that, they are pushing less, but also, I'm saying that feelings can change. I kind of want a 5-year old dog so when the kids go off to college, we also lose the dog and I can have my freedom when I really need it and can have it.
I do feel for you, truly, but it's hard being on the other side too. You ask shouldn't he want you to be happy? But you had your happy for a lot of years - he should get his for a little while, at least. IMHO.

[wendibird22]

I feel sad and sorry for you. Your situation sounds so frustrating.

DH and I went through marriage counseling and were taught a technique to help to discuss conflicts where we both want different things. Namely, we both tell the other person how much we want something on a scale from 1 to 10. One being you could care less and ten being the most important thing imaginable. Is there a way you could ask your husband where he stands on the scale and tell him where you stand? At least it may open up a conversation and help you both with the other person's perspective.

Great suggestion!


Just me (and I am in the pro-dog camp): sending links/photos of available rescue dogs when your husband has said “no dog” is not a good approach and may raise his resistance.

You need to come to the core understanding of dog/no dog first. Picking the actual dog comes after that.

Yes, I totally agree.


I would say just hang in there- maybe table it for a bit. We lost our dog 8 or so years ago, he was my dog before I met DH and I was really devastated. DH never really liked this dog, and was secretly kind of relieved I think. For 2 or 3 years I talked about getting another dog- when anyone asked me what I wanted for birthday/christmas I would say a dog etc. Would regularly check petfinder. The kids would say they wanted a dog. DH was fairly adamant against it. Then, for my birthday 5 years ago he surprised me with a puppy. DH still is kind of lukewarm on the whole dog thing, although he likes this one a lot better. I still do 100% of the work. But, it has been wonderful all in all and one of the best things he has done for me. Your dh may have strong feelings about it now, but that doesn't mean you will never have a dog again!

Thank you. You are right, minds can change over time.



Just want to give another opinion from someone who doesn't want a dog. I grew up with dogs. So did DH. I don't hate them, I just don't need one of my own. DH had a cat when I met him, and we have a cat now. He really wants a dog, as do the kids. I have been adamant about not getting one. I know it would add to all our lives, bring joy, bring depth. But my plate is FULL. I don't need or want more responsibility. It made me want to cry thinking about adding more - what I want more of is downtime! I don't want the mess, or the smell. Our last cat was a huge shedder, and while I loved him (he was mine before ours), I am so happy to not have that in my life. For me, simpler is better, and that is totally opposite of getting a dog. Getting a pet is a long-term commitment that is a part of everything in your life - sneaking away for a night, going on vacation is a hassle, the house is dirty, it's costly, blah blah blah. I have so many reasons for not wanting a dog and it drives me crazy that my saying no makes them more adamant, like they can just keep pushing and pushing me. So I get your husband's perspective. He gave you your time with a dog, now he gets his time without. I would suggest letting him have that for awhile.
That all said, DH's father passed away 6 months ago. And that has been really really hard. So I have started to feel like a dog could fill that void of the best friend he suddenly lost. I'm actually open to it for once. And knowing that, they are pushing less, but also, I'm saying that feelings can change. I kind of want a 5-year old dog so when the kids go off to college, we also lose the dog and I can have my freedom when I really need it and can have it.
I do feel for you, truly, but it's hard being on the other side too. You ask shouldn't he want you to be happy? But you had your happy for a lot of years - he should get his for a little while, at least. IMHO.

I see your point, though DH wanted our last dog...he picked him out and named him...so it's not like he was putting up with me having a dog for over 11 years and suffering through it. But, still, yes, time may be needed nonetheless.

[gymnbomb]

When DH and I were in different camps on a big decision (in our case it was a second child) we agreed to wait for a year before discussing it. It completely took the pressure off of both of us. By the end of that year we were in agreement. You may not end up being in agreement, but I think waiting a specific (and fairly long) period of time where you agree to not even discuss it could be a good idea.


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[essnce629]

This post reminds me of my post regarding desperately wanting a 3rd child and DH saying no. I have no advice.(((HUGS)))

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[mom2binsd]

I agree that it's something you need to table and wait on. You are still raw from losing your beloved dog.

From the no dog perspective, nobody "needs" a dog, they are wonderful for many families and add a lot but they change your lifestyle. Adding a dog means always having to figure out what to do with them when you go on vacation, whether it's boarding them (and expense) or hiring a sitter or if you're lucky a friend or family member who wants them.

My kids would love a dog, I have had a dog when I lived at home with my parents. Dogs are great. But they're not for our family right now due to the expense, our lifestyle, and my lack of interest in adding another responsibility to my single parenthood.

Your husband may just want to have your family include you and the girls at this moment.

[Kindra178]

Can you foster, maybe when the weather gets warmer?


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[boogiemom]

I agree that it's something you need to table and wait on. You are still raw from losing your beloved dog.

From the no dog perspective, nobody "needs" a dog, they are wonderful for many families and add a lot but they change your lifestyle. Adding a dog means always having to figure out what to do with them when you go on vacation, whether it's boarding them (and expense) or hiring a sitter or if you're lucky a friend or family member who wants them.

My kids would love a dog, I have had a dog when I lived at home with my parents. Dogs are great. But they're not for our family right now due to the expense, our lifestyle, and my lack of interest in adding another responsibility to my single parenthood.

Your husband may just want to have your family include you and the girls at this moment.

As one who is not a dog person, you do not understand the perspective/feeling of one who is. I do need a dog. I will never choose to not have at least one in my home. My dogs bring more joy & love to my house than I can express. Not only for me, but also for my sons (16&12). I have small, non-shedding dogs. The expense is very reasonable, other than the purchase of the dog. They don’t my lifestyle. We travel frequently and I do make that phone call to schedule boarding but it is no big deal. Costs me $15/day/dog. Adds up but is nothing compared to the cost of the actual vacation. We are away for 3-4 weeks just during the summer months, plus 2 weeks during the rest of the year. It’s workable.

If it isn’t for your family, I understand. But our dogs, beyond the puppy training phase have always been very easy, low maintenance dogs who bring so much more positive than negative to our family. I need a dog. For my mental health. They are therapeutic.


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[doberbrat]

I agree that it's something you need to table and wait on. You are still raw from losing your beloved dog.

From the no dog perspective, nobody "needs" a dog, they are wonderful for many families and add a lot but they change your lifestyle. Adding a dog means always having to figure out what to do with them when you go on vacation, whether it's boarding them (and expense) or hiring a sitter or if you're lucky a friend or family member who wants them.

My kids would love a dog, I have had a dog when I lived at home with my parents. Dogs are great. But they're not for our family right now due to the expense, our lifestyle, and my lack of interest in adding another responsibility to my single parenthood.

Your husband may just want to have your family include you and the girls at this moment.

I'm going to respectfully disagree. You are correct that having a dog is not a life/death need; however, for some people, their life is not complete w/o having a dog in it. Just like some people are perfectly happy being childless and others feel a basic 'need' to have a child.

Just because it isnt for you doesn't mean that it isnt a fundamental requirement for someone else.

Please note, I'm not implying that anyone should be forced into pet ownership. But as we've seen many times, it IS an essential part of some people's requirement for happiness; if the spouse does not feel the same, it can create quite a conflict.

[Liziz]

We currently have two dogs. I love them both, and DH and I were on board together with getting both of them. I told DH recently I don't want to get more dogs after these two. He was like "I will always have a dog" and didn't think I was serious at first, but I was. Here's why:

I believe a dog needs to be a part of your family, and deserves a pretty high level of care and attention. When we got our first dog, it was before we had kids. All my extra time happily went to my dog and I loved it. We'd go on hours of walks, spend tons of time training and playing, etc. It was so fun. Our lives are so different now. It is so hard to care for my dogs the way I believe they deserve. Sure, they still have a great life and are well-loved, but I don't think they get as much attention as they want or deserve anymore. Our lives are super busy. I often just feel drained trying to manage to take care of my kids the way I want. As much as I love my dogs, they're just two more beings that need something from me. It feels like a no-win often right now -- I finally get 20 minutes of "free" time and I know the dogs need to be walked. But I have 5 other things waiting for me to handle, too. I can choose my dogs and walk them, and feel stressed about ignoring the rest, or I can choose to get the other stuff done and feel guilty all night about my dogs. DH doesn't understand this at all. He feels like the dogs are just fine, and if they miss a walk for one night they'll still be okay and it's not the end of the world. A lot of days we're gone ALL day, and I feel bad for the dogs when they're stuck w/o us all day like that....but I'm not willing to totally re-work my life or ask my kids to skip activities and play dates just to get home to a dog. But yet I feel guilty when we don't get home to the dog. I don't mean this to sound dramatic and I'm really fine in life and such, but I do have this constant guilt cloud over my head these days regarding my dogs. That's why I don't want another one after these two pass on (which hopefully won't be for awhile anyways).

DH was really shocked to learn this about me. He had no idea it was bothering me that much. I love our dogs but am a little less attached to them (and not the "dog person" of the family), so I think he was really surprised that I feel so strongly about it. I wonder if your DH has any similar feelings.

In our case we didn't work anything out as we don't need to worry about it yet. But we did agree we'll discuss it further when the time comes, and make a decision based on our lives at that point. As it stands now, knowing DH needs a dog in his life, I probably wouldn't refuse to NEVER get one again. But, I would probably push very hard to wait until a time when our lives were not as busy as they are now (I can absolutely see owning a dog after the girls are grown up). If DH was still super adamant, I'd probably kind of write down my list of "these factors must be met for me to not feel guilty/stressed about having a dog" and ask him to come up with a plan that makes sure they're all met (and doesn't include me). If he felt like he could reasonably do that, I'd be on board again. But if he couldn't (or felt like my requests were too much), I'd be very resistant to getting another dog until I was at a point in life where I felt I could care for it the way I wanted.

[trcy]

We currently have two dogs. I love them both, and DH and I were on board together with getting both of them. I told DH recently I don't want to get more dogs after these two. He was like "I will always have a dog" and didn't think I was serious at first, but I was. Here's why:

I believe a dog needs to be a part of your family, and deserves a pretty high level of care and attention. When we got our first dog, it was before we had kids. All my extra time happily went to my dog and I loved it. We'd go on hours of walks, spend tons of time training and playing, etc. It was so fun. Our lives are so different now. It is so hard to care for my dogs the way I believe they deserve. Sure, they still have a great life and are well-loved, but I don't think they get as much attention as they want or deserve anymore. Our lives are super busy. I often just feel drained trying to manage to take care of my kids the way I want. As much as I love my dogs, they're just two more beings that need something from me. It feels like a no-win often right now -- I finally get 20 minutes of "free" time and I know the dogs need to be walked. But I have 5 other things waiting for me to handle, too. I can choose my dogs and walk them, and feel stressed about ignoring the rest, or I can choose to get the other stuff done and feel guilty all night about my dogs. DH doesn't understand this at all. He feels like the dogs are just fine, and if they miss a walk for one night they'll still be okay and it's not the end of the world. A lot of days we're gone ALL day, and I feel bad for the dogs when they're stuck w/o us all day like that....but I'm not willing to totally re-work my life or ask my kids to skip activities and play dates just to get home to a dog. But yet I feel guilty when we don't get home to the dog. I don't mean this to sound dramatic and I'm really fine in life and such, but I do have this constant guilt cloud over my head these days regarding my dogs. That's why I don't want another one after these two pass on (which hopefully won't be for awhile anyways).

DH was really shocked to learn this about me. He had no idea it was bothering me that much. I love our dogs but am a little less attached to them (and not the "dog person" of the family), so I think he was really surprised that I feel so strongly about it. I wonder if your DH has any similar feelings.

In our case we didn't work anything out as we don't need to worry about it yet. But we did agree we'll discuss it further when the time comes, and make a decision based on our lives at that point. As it stands now, knowing DH needs a dog in his life, I probably wouldn't refuse to NEVER get one again. But, I would probably push very hard to wait until a time when our lives were not as busy as they are now (I can absolutely see owning a dog after the girls are grown up). If DH was still super adamant, I'd probably kind of write down my list of "these factors must be met for me to not feel guilty/stressed about having a dog" and ask him to come up with a plan that makes sure they're all met (and doesn't include me). If he felt like he could reasonably do that, I'd be on board again. But if he couldn't (or felt like my requests were too much), I'd be very resistant to getting another dog until I was at a point in life where I felt I could care for it the way I wanted.

I see your point and agree to a certain extent. Our dog was also here pre kids and used to get a lot more attention. But, there are a ton of dogs sitting in cages in shelters. I think it’s better for a dog to be part of a family that loves it (even if it’s not perfect) rather than sitting in a cage at a shelter.


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[TwinFoxes]

I'm going to respectfully disagree. You are correct that having a dog is not a life/death need; however, for some people, their life is not complete w/o having a dog in it. Just like some people are perfectly happy being childless and others feel a basic 'need' to have a child.

Just because it isnt for you doesn't mean that it isnt a fundamental requirement for someone else.

Please note, I'm not implying that anyone should be forced into pet ownership. But as we've seen many times, it IS an essential part of some people's requirement for happiness; if the spouse does not feel the same, it can create quite a conflict.

I agree with this. I don't usually like comparing pets to kids, because it's not the same, but this analogy does work for me. Some people *need* to have kids, others don't. Same for dogs. I think some people become depressed without a dog. And OP's situation is different from people whose spouse already knew that there was no way they ever wanted a dog, because of allergies or just dislike.

I don't like the ultimatum nature of your DH's response, OP. And his "we don't have time answer" doesn't really make sense. I don't have any advice. I can't imagine not having a dog (we usually have two) but my husband is always on board.

[wendibird22]

We currently have two dogs. I love them both, and DH and I were on board together with getting both of them. I told DH recently I don't want to get more dogs after these two. He was like "I will always have a dog" and didn't think I was serious at first, but I was. Here's why:

I believe a dog needs to be a part of your family, and deserves a pretty high level of care and attention. When we got our first dog, it was before we had kids. All my extra time happily went to my dog and I loved it. We'd go on hours of walks, spend tons of time training and playing, etc. It was so fun. Our lives are so different now. It is so hard to care for my dogs the way I believe they deserve. Sure, they still have a great life and are well-loved, but I don't think they get as much attention as they want or deserve anymore. Our lives are super busy. I often just feel drained trying to manage to take care of my kids the way I want. As much as I love my dogs, they're just two more beings that need something from me. It feels like a no-win often right now -- I finally get 20 minutes of "free" time and I know the dogs need to be walked. But I have 5 other things waiting for me to handle, too. I can choose my dogs and walk them, and feel stressed about ignoring the rest, or I can choose to get the other stuff done and feel guilty all night about my dogs. DH doesn't understand this at all. He feels like the dogs are just fine, and if they miss a walk for one night they'll still be okay and it's not the end of the world. A lot of days we're gone ALL day, and I feel bad for the dogs when they're stuck w/o us all day like that....but I'm not willing to totally re-work my life or ask my kids to skip activities and play dates just to get home to a dog. But yet I feel guilty when we don't get home to the dog. I don't mean this to sound dramatic and I'm really fine in life and such, but I do have this constant guilt cloud over my head these days regarding my dogs. That's why I don't want another one after these two pass on (which hopefully won't be for awhile anyways).

DH was really shocked to learn this about me. He had no idea it was bothering me that much. I love our dogs but am a little less attached to them (and not the "dog person" of the family), so I think he was really surprised that I feel so strongly about it. I wonder if your DH has any similar feelings.

In our case we didn't work anything out as we don't need to worry about it yet. But we did agree we'll discuss it further when the time comes, and make a decision based on our lives at that point. As it stands now, knowing DH needs a dog in his life, I probably wouldn't refuse to NEVER get one again. But, I would probably push very hard to wait until a time when our lives were not as busy as they are now (I can absolutely see owning a dog after the girls are grown up). If DH was still super adamant, I'd probably kind of write down my list of "these factors must be met for me to not feel guilty/stressed about having a dog" and ask him to come up with a plan that makes sure they're all met (and doesn't include me). If he felt like he could reasonably do that, I'd be on board again. But if he couldn't (or felt like my requests were too much), I'd be very resistant to getting another dog until I was at a point in life where I felt I could care for it the way I wanted.

Lizi, your post really spoke to me. I would guess that yes, how you feel about "just one more thing on a long list of things" is probably what DH is thinking. He's probably thinking why add to a list that already feels long, if we don't have to. I also like your suggestion about having him list out what factors/conditions need to be met. That gives him the chance to qualify/quantify his concerns beyond "we are too busy" and a chance for me to see if those are needs I can or cannot meet.

I kind of feel like we will always have competing priorities...isn't that just life? And we all make time for the things that mean the most to us. There's an opportunity cost, yes. For me, a dog is something that I would prioritize over something else, not my husband or my kids for sure, but other things that may require my time/attention. We rarely travel, we just put in a pool 2yrs ago and a $$ deck this summer, so we spend our summers at home, we do overnight camp occasionally but always brought our dog with us, the few out of town/state people we visit always welcome us to bring our dog (just like SIL brings hers to our house), and so I just don't see my lifestyle changing in any way whether we have a dog or not. It's not there is this list of amazing things to do that we've been waiting to be dogless in order to do (ok, aside from replacing our 13yr old carpet which is worn and that our dog chewed at the top of the stairs when he was a puppy!). The only thing I know will change is that our 8 and 10yr old DDs will get busier with extracurriculars and also more independent with those. So yes, likely we may have more sporting events to attend or concerts to listen to, but we do that now too. And two very active kids seem like a good time for an active dog. And 10yrs from now when they are away at college a 10 or 12yr old dog, if it's still alive, will be incredibly slowed down too. I actually think it would be harder on the "we are too busy" front if we wait a few years. I keep thinking that when we are empty nesters would be the ideal time to NOT have a pet.

[California]

Do we really need dogs? Mom2binsb, your post really got me thinking about this question. For the past four years I've been reading up on brain development in 6th-12th graders, and how to encourage healthy coping skills vs unhealthy addictions in our youth. From my totally admittedly non-medical professional viewpoint, I bet those of us who have developed strong symbiotic relationships with our dogs really do change our neural pathways. Think of it as a dirt pathway through a field- the more you choose to walk down the same path over and over again, the more the path is going to widen and get easier to cross. Every positive interaction with our dogs, repeated day after day, is making those connections bigger. And our brain prefers the well-developed connections. That's how we end up doing the same habitual acts every morning. I volunteer with a pet-assisted therapy program. Studies have shown that petting/cuddling with a dog (or other animal companion) has a physical and mental impact on us. It reduces blood pressure, lowers our levels of stress, anxiety, depression, reduces our sense of loneliness, and gives us a healthy dopamine boost. It's no wonder we develop deep attachments to our dogs!

Even with all these positive benefits for us, the flip side to this coin is that we as a whole country are not good to animals. Volunteering with two rescues has really opened my eyes to this. So it's really good that everyone here is thinking deeply about the ethical considerations of getting a dog.

[ellies mom]

If I was your DH, feeling the way he does, the only way I would agree to a dog would be if you took on all of the responsibility. If you aren't willing to be the primary pet owner with all that entails, than I wouldn't get a dog.

That said, I was the holdout in our family because I knew that almost all of the responsibility would end up on me. And I was right. It did. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my dog and am honestly thinking about getting a second dog. But just about everything that is not fun about owning a dog falls on me (I do pay my oldest to clean the waste in the backyard but I still have to get on her to do it). My husband gives the dog treats and buys him toys and occasionally walks him and that is about it. Maybe if that was the level of care you expect out of your husband, he would be more open to it.


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[Liziz]

I see your point and agree to a certain extent. Our dog was also here pre kids and used to get a lot more attention. But, there are a ton of dogs sitting in cages in shelters. I think it’s better for a dog to be part of a family that loves it (even if it’s not perfect) rather than sitting in a cage at a shelter.


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trcy, you're 100% right. And even with the reduced time we have now, our dogs have a way better life than they would have if we hadn't rescued them (they were both shelter dogs). But, the feelings I described above are my emotional response, even if my brain knows there's other ways to think of it (like you described), and it's hard to get over that part!

[hellokitty]

We went through the same thing. I adopted a dog while in college and DH and I were already dating. She had to be put to sleep when DS3 turned 1 yrs old. I was devestated. We didn't want to go though the heartbreak of another dog, but a couple years later, the kids really started to bug us about getting another dog. I LOVE dogs, I've always had a dog since I was in 3rd grade,. DH kept saying no. We had a friend whose dd was really into exotic animals and one of them (maybe exotic isn't the right category... ok this one's a rodent) was rats. I thought that maybe our kids would like a pair of pet rats, they are supposed to make really good pets. Well... this was NOT my strategy, but my husband wigged out when I mentioned the possibility of rats vs. a dog (with the idea that they are lower maintenance, bc he also cited us being too busy as an excuse) and said, "FINE, if getting a dog means you won't get rats, get a dog!" :ROTFLMAO:

So, I started looking and I only adopt dogs. It took months, but I found the perfect dog and had submitted paperwork at the dog warden to adopt. I asked DH stop by the dog pound on the way home to meet the puppy. Well, he fell in love with him right away (really, you'd have to be the grinch to not fall in love, he was only 4 lbs when we adopted him) and said, "Yes, get this dog!" He loves this dog. We've had him for almost 5 years and maybe it is because we adopted him as a puppy and he is basically the dog that my kids will consider their childhood pet. Our dog also has bonded with my husband really well, while my previous dog, only liked me. He talks about how sad it will be once the time comes when our dog will be old and ill and he's already talking about another dog at that time. Meanwhile, bil/sil have a frenchie they got a couple years ago, but they are considering in a couple of years of moving out of the country and asked if we would be able to take their dog if that happened. My husband got excited about it, meaning we'd have TWO dogs (our dog would love a companion, if I wasn't allergic to cats, we'd at least have a cat, bc he loves cats). So, anyway, it turned out well in the end for us... maybe threaten him with pet rats as the alternative, lol?

[dogmom]

trcy, you're 100% right. And even with the reduced time we have now, our dogs have a way better life than they would have if we hadn't rescued them (they were both shelter dogs). But, the feelings I described above are my emotional response, even if my brain knows there's other ways to think of it (like you described), and it's hard to get over that part!

I feel like if you substituted children and their activities for dogs and their activities that is the rub of modern American mothering for many. I go back to a female comedian who said: "If my kids could choose to have me deliriously happy in Hawaii or on the verge of suicide in the next room it would always be verge of suicide." Maybe you are just channeling your mommy stress isn't the dog. ;) I think that's why I love my dog so much, I know the dog just lives for this moment and I can always make her so happy by such simple things and she forgot the ten walks I didn't take her on before this "walk that is better than any other walk!"

[wendibird22]

Update. I finally had a heart to heart with DH. I sobbed. He patiently listened. Like I and some of you suspected, he feels overwhelmed with work and house/family obligations and feels like having a dog is "just one more thing to have to think about." He says he feels horrible that I feel so horrible and that DD2 is so sad and that it's hard for him to know that he's contributing to that in some way. I explained how hard it is for me because it's just a constant daily emptiness and a constant daily reminder...I can't leave my house without seeing someone out walking a dog or scroll through my FB without a few friends posting cute dog pics. There's no such thing as out of sight out of mind to help me forget or get over it. I told him I understood where he is coming from and that I'm sorry for putting more pressure on him. But honestly, I don't feel any better about it. Not one bit. Instead I feel even more sad/bitter because I feel like now he knows very clearly how much I am hurting and why and could easily make a choice to ease my sorrow and yet still didn't change his mind. I asked what we do when we are on opposite ends of this and he said just keep communicating and revisit it later. To which I said ok, but what's going to be different later? I'm still going to feel what I feel and he's still going to feel overwhelmed. He's a teacher and I honestly can't remember a school year in recent years that he hasn't been overwhelmed. His district changes school configurations, curriculums, philosophies, etc yearly and I'm not exaggerating. So every year he says "this year is going to be the worst" and then the same the next year and the year after that. A few upper admins are retiring this year so it's all gonna change next year too when the new sheriffs are in town and set their own policies and put their own mark on the district.

Le sigh. I do truly truly appreciate all of your advice and commiseration. You gave me good food for thought and helped me to frame my convo with DH and how to seek to understand where he was coming from and how to best explain where I'm coming from.

[doberbrat]

:hug::heartbeat: