Ideas for handling preteens (besides wine)

[SAHMIL]

I can tell we are now heading into the territory of what is “babyish” now. DS is almost 11. (Still needs to learn to ride a bike ) anyway I had to lose it on him at Kohl’s because I had to pack last night and couldn’t do a multiple store trip to find a birthday card for his friend and my DH.

Anyway, will I survive this stage? Need ideas fast on how to handle this territory and what are good ways to get him to do what I want him to do . Also what would be good things to start doing with him as outings because otherwise it is going to be a long spring break and summer .


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[gamma]

I have found that they need us more than we need them. We are a team, I help you and you help me! I can't possibly drive you, buy you, give you money for.... if you don't cooperate and help me. I just have to remember to bank the times in my head that they didn't cooperate and then bring it up at the appropriate time, while saying, "No, I can't drive you to your friend's house, since it was too much trouble for you to switch your laundry, shovel the sidewalk, etc. "

[StantonHyde]

Get the book Middle School Makeover. Great practical tips in there. It has been very helpful.

[gatorsmom]

Every kid is different and every family and their rules are different so it’s hard to say if this advice is even in the right ballpark for you. Ds1 is 14 and DS2 is 12yo. They are for the most part well behaved. So far, we haven’t had any outright slamming-door meltdowns. Maybe that’s normal behavior for boys, I’m not sure. But what has seemed to help calm them down when do get whiny is giving them more freedoms and responsibilities and speaking to them like adults when necessary. Things I wouldn’t normally let them do, I’ll let them try. Things I told them they were too young to understand, I sit and explain to them. That seems to calm them down. In fact, I’ve even been pushing them to do more things outside their comfort zone. I’ve been overprotective of them most of their lives so I have plenty of activities to chose from! I still supervise and don’t send them off to do something they aren’t ready for. We have been giving them more chores to do around the house. Ds1 is responsible for mowing on the riding mower, blowing leaves, and wacking weeds. At some point we will give him bigger chores with more responsibility and pass what he’s doing now onto his brother who has outdoor chores too. When I am giving them more freedoms and responsibilities, I let them know that I expect them to do a good job and ask questions. I let them know what a privilege it is I’m giving them and talk about how this will help them as they get older. If they are still whining despite that then I talk to them as adults. I’ll even pull the car over, take a deep breath and explain to them my thought process behind me decision. I’ll go through the what ifs and ask them, based on all the concerns, what they would do if this was their decision. Then I listen to their response and talk back like they are an adult. This seems to work well to help them understand and agree with my point of view.

If they are whining because they want something they aren’t getting, I tell them they have to earn the money for it. And then make them work and earn it. If they want the toy, they gotta work for it. And I let them know that they better discuss with me what they want to buy before they buy it because I have the right to say no if it’s too violent or inappropriate in some way. My house, my rules.

Of course, since I said this, this plan probably won’t work with my twins when they head down the teen road.

[mnj77]

I try to reflect DD's perspective and engage in joint problem solving. So if DS wants to go to another store but there's no time, I would say, "I understand you want to go to another store because there's a particular card you have in mind (or whatever the problem he has) and that's important to you. We can't do that tonight because I need to get home. How can we solve this problem?" Listen to his ideas, and then provide suggestions of your own. Could you get up early and stop somewhere on the way to school tomorrow? Could you give the birthday card a few days late?

DD really values being taken seriously and I heap on the praise when she comes up with a creative solution to a problem, especially when she comes up with a solution to one of my problems.