Anyone successfully cared for aging parents from afar?

[mmsmom]

Update: We are moving! I think I would feel differently if I liked where we lived now but I have never really liked the area nor do I have many close friends here and we do not have family here. So after 18 years of being away I am returning to my hometown. We decided to move now vs waiting until my mom really needed help as I worried that could be when the kids are in high school. Now DS will be starting Middle school and DD has 2 more years of elementary. It would have been difficult for me to remain here and be able to visit my mom as often and for as long as would probably be needed when she needs help.

OP:
My parents had me a little older (at 29 & 31) than many in their generation though average ages for today’s generation. So I only know a few that are dealing with caring for older parents and no one in my situation. My Dad is 77 and lives in a memory care unit. My mom is 75 and fine on her own for now. I live a 12 hour drive or plane trip away. I’m wondering if it is realistic for me to be able to care for them from so far away as they get older. I think my mom will be ok for at least another 5 years but anything could happen. I am feeling like we need to move to where they are now to avoid having to move when kids are in high school. If we loved where we live I would have asked them to move here but we have no real connection to this area. My parents live in my hometown and where they want to stay. My mom just moved to a 55+ community and has said she will have live in help when she needs it. Thankfully they are well prepared financially so I don’t have to worry about that. What I worry about is if I will be able to check on them enough, communicate with doctors, and just general help when I live so far away. My Dad is generally taken care of but my mom visits every day and advocates for him when needed which I think is needed no matter how good the facility is.

My mother took care of my grandparents but they were only a couple hours away and she eventually moved them to assisted living in her town. So in her case she couldn’t manage it from far away, but they were willing to move.

I’m struggling with ensuring my parents are well cared for and continuing their lives in the area they want vs disrupting my kids lives (they are 9 &11).

ETA: I have a very small family and no one else in my parents’ state. One sibling who lives further away than I do for his spouse’s job.

[123LuckyMom]

Honestly, whether you can manage this depends very much on money and time. I live 3 hours away from my aging mother who has been hospitalized multiple times over the past few years. My sister lives half a country away, and my cousin, who is very involved, lives a 3 hour plane ride away. The one who has the most time to devote to my mom is actually my cousin, but here’s why. Her kids are in college. She works part time with her own client base, so she can go away for a couple of weeks at a time with little detriment to her business. My mother is wealthy and pays for her plane tickets and missed salary. The money and time are taken care of. I have small children and a job where I need to be there for certain days and certain hours. It’s much harder for me to get away. Because I’m somewhat close, I can drive down and back on the same day if I have to, but I need to find child care. I did it a bunch when my mother was in the hospital, but it was exhausting, and I was only able to do it with the help of my BFF who basically would take both my kids, feed them, and occasionally keep them over night as if they were her own. I’ve been lobbying to get my mom to move into assisted living in my town, or to move to where my cousin is. I almost convinced her to move near me this past summer, but it fell through. My sister is a bit out of the picture, because she has a big career and can’t/won’t leave work. The thing is, when there’s an emergency or crisis, I’m the one who must respond, because I’m the one who can get there the fastest. Having to wait for a flight or driving for half a day when there’s an emergency just doesn’t work. With my cousin in the mix, though, I can respond right away, and she can sometimes plan to get there to relieve me several days or a week later. There’s nobody who can serve as the emergency response relative for your parents, though. Maybe that’s okay since they have other care. My mom lives on her own.

With two parents who might both have emergencies in the years ahead, I would definitely advocate that somebody move, you or them. If that doesn’t happen, you may have to become okay with not being able to be there in an emergency or as much as you’d like if illness or infirmity increase. You can certainly talk to doctors on the phone, but nothing beats being able to be there and on top of things in person. If you’re not attached to where you live and where you’d be moving would be good for the family in other ways besides being near your parents, I’d move. It’s soooooo much easier to deal with things when you’re right there, especially when you’re really the only child available to help.



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[StantonHyde]

We moved MIL to us. Basically, DH told her that if she wanted help with her medical care she had to move to our city. Period. End of story. She moved to Senior Living. It's like a dorm for seniors. She is 5 minutes away so that part is easy. And yet her care is still complicated.

The one piece of advice I have is for people to move BEFORE they experience mental decline. They will be able to adjust and make new friends.

Get them settled now, BEFORE there is a crisis. Otherwise, there will be a crisis and you will be stuck responding to something that is urgent and expensive.

Move for your children, not your parents. Your children need good opportunities going forward. If they can get that in your parents' town, then move there. Bottom line, do not try to manage care long distance if you don't have to do so. (and make it so you don't have to do so!!)

[niccig]

I have no idea how we will manage with my parents as my sisters and I don’t live in the same country as my parents. My dad’s health is declining and my mom takes care of everything. If she needs help, my aunt lives nearby but my mother and her had a falling out. My aunt would still help but my mother would object. Ugh, it’s going to be very difficult


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[Simon]

I am in a very similar situation (mother the same age, same distance from me, all care is on me, etc.). The main difference is that my mother has already been living in senior community with some services, her own choice, for at least 7 years now. (Edited for clarity, just saying it seems we started the senior cmmty path a little sooner than with your Mom). She has experienced a lot of physical decline but nothing life threatening so we are likely to be dealing with this for some years to come.

When she entered the community she completely refused to move closer to me. Flat out. I let her know that meant I would not be able to drop everything and rush to her side for every medical appointment or minor health crisis. I am firm that my nuclear family (Dh and our children) come first. My Dc have their own medical needs, I work part-time but in the classroom so time off is a major challenge.

We visit 2x a year; she used to visit us a lot more often so we saw her 4-5x a year. I'm not sure I can easily do much more. Dh's parents are both aging in different states and require visits from us as well. I have attended Dr. appointments with her, but she mostly has chronic management and my presence isn't necessary.

Currently, my plan is that if she needs to move up a level of care that she will need to move to us. Statistically, most people don't live at the next level more than 2 years and many are there less than a year. She could be an exception, based on her particular health issues. She agrees, in theory, with this plan but I'm not sure if she will come willingly.

The downside of pushing for a move is that many people say their parents experienced a significant decline after the move. The stress of moving, the new place, etc. In other words, they were able to function at a higher level while still in a familiar environment but never really recovered after the move. I'll admit this is one reason I have not pushed harder for her to move. I think that would likely be her experience. Some people are just more resilient than others.

My father successfully cared for both of his parents from far away. He visited about 4-5 times a year for a week or two (20hr drive) and hired a local woman to come in and help care for them (she didn't live-in). They arranged it so he could attend any major medical appointments (making decisions about cancer treatment, for example) or phone in through the caregiver. The arrangement worked out very well for all of them (the caregiver, my father, his parents). Both parents stayed in their home and had a peaceful last few years.

[Philly Mom]

I guess I should be thankful that our parents are in good(ish) health. My parents are older than yours and had me later in life. I have older siblings. Everyone knows that it will be on me to deal with issues in the future but my parents are in excellent health. They work out all the time. My dad still works full time. They just moved from being two hour drive from me to a three hour flight. They couldn’t be happier. Most of their friends made the move. They have a more active social life than anyone I know.

My in laws live in a different country/continent. We worry about them more. MIL has chronic health issues. They are both in their 70s. I am not sure what we will do. DH can work from home so I figure he will just take more trips to see them. They live in a country with an excellent health system and they have good neighbors so I know there are people looking out for them. They aren’t moving closer and neither are we.


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[geochick]

My parents (stepdad and mom) are aging and in need of a lot of help right now. They live 7 miles from me, and it is too far. I wouldn't want to do this job with them any farther than that. I would not uproot my family to care for them. Aging parents cannot expect you to move. If they want help, they should move to you. My stepdad was just placed on hospice a few weeks ago and my mom is in the early stages of dementia. Both need medical help, but they need more than that. They need help with bills, medications, organization, laundry, ... Mine aren't ready for assisted living, so a lot rests with me. My two cents. Good luck. Have them move to you.

[mackmama]

We are in a similar life chapter. We currently live near some of our parents (who have serious health problems), but we want to move out of state for many reasons to improve our family's quality of life. Guilt of leaving the aging parents is a big part of keeping us here. So ultimately I will tell you what I am trying to tell myself. Live your life. Let your children live their lives. Move your parents close to you, but you don't have to move to them. It's also ok not to live near them as they age. I know my parents never lived close to any of their parents/step-parents. Yet somehow I feel part-desire and part-obligation to stay nearby. It's a tough call especially when considering the transition of moving would likely be a lot harder on elderly parents than young kids - but still. I don't think you need to uproot your entire family to live near them if that would be your only reason to move. Not sure this is helpful at all.

[magnoliaparadise]

This is such a hard decision to make and situation. This is what I would add: Moving is so hard. Maybe you know this already. I just moved and in many ways, I overlooked how hard it would be. I thought I knew, but had never moved (at least to a different state) with kids (I think it would be easier with preschoolers, though mine are elementary school age).

We moved 6 months ago, and I am still settling in. Friends, community, religious communities, classes, doctors, and so many other things are just... new and I am only now creating structures for us. I was just saying to a friend how I really, truly admire immigrants, especially older ones who don't know English and how extremely hard it must be - because here I am a native English speaker who 'gets' American culture and isn't scraping by and it is still hard and a feeling of being untethered!

I moved, in part, so that I would live closer to my parents and the hope that I can help them out. To be fair, that was only one reason. There were many different reasons pointing to moving, including quality of life - if I were deciding whether to move and living nearer to my parents were the only reason, it would have been a harder decision. Also, in my situation, my parents are helping me (with child care and driving) and I really appreciate how much easier it has made things for me. As a single mom, I didn't quite understand how nice it is to have the extra hands with kids - It sounded nice, but had never experienced it. These have been huge pluses to the move and living closer to my parents.

But... I can't tell you how much harder it has been moving with kids than I thought. Just know that going in, if that in any way sways the decision.

[MontrealMum]

I cared for my mother long-distance. I was in Canada, she was in MI. I had no choice. Not only was she not interested in moving, but you can't quickly just import family class foreigners. I"m an only child and she was divorced so I was it for her. I put her into a memory care unit in the city where she lived and because I had power of attorney I controlled all her finances. This made things easier to do long distance.

Would it have been easier if I'd been there? Yes and no. All this really depends on the people involved. My mom had dementia, and went into everything kicking and screaming. She didn't want to be cared for, she was unable to listen to reason (literally and figuratively - I forced her to get hearing aids but was too late), and this made caring for her and trying to make her life better extremely difficult. She had no interest in doing things that she once thought were fun, she had no interest in seeing friends and being social, and she actively worked to make outings unpleasant at times. Unlike my grandmothers who enjoyed being driven to clubs, lunch, and seeing shows, or even taking elderschool classes, my mom had very little interest in anything outside of weekly trips to the library. Dementia sucks big time. My being local would not have helped one iota.

My advice is, do what you have to, but your DH/kids/job...those should take priority. Things can change in an instant for older people. I thought my mom would be with us for 10-12 years more even with the dementia diagnosis. My grandma and all her sisters made it to 90 and my mom was physically in much better shape than any of them...we were all shocked to lose her last year at 78 after only a year and a half.

I think moving anyone whether it's you or the parents should really depend on how well you think they can adapt, and how much you think anyone's going to get out of it. Do you have meaningful visits now? If you don't, I don't think uprooting either your family or your parents is really going to help much. The logistical stuff you can do easily online or over the phone these days. If your parents are still with it mentally, who knows how long that'll last, but changing your lifestyle might have much more of an impact than it would have for someone like my mom. I would really weigh all of those factors.

[DualvansMommy]

I'm in a similar situation with you as an only child with a 74 year old divorced mom who lives alone in her big house. Although 74 is relatively young, she does have numerous serious health issues, one of which is her heart disease that puts her chronically around age in the early 80's on her organs and body.

I had a lot of trouble getting POA set up (financial and medical) because she was in serious denial over how serious the health issues were. But I finally have it, and it is not possible for her to move to us nor for us with my family to her for couple of reasons. She's from a different country where the process of immigration takes long time and probably not guaranteed considering her chronic heart condition. The other and biggest factor is affording health care, as while she does have a good income with a mortgage free home she owes, all of that will easily be wiped out within 5-7 years of living in the U.S with us. DH's retirement is another factor for our consideration whether to move. He is within 9 years of eligibility for retirement at his company so we're staying put until then at the very least, and we revisit our options then as things can change a lot in the next 8 year. But by then, DS1 will be a freshman at HS, so lots of variables for us to think about.

At best with things stand now; I manage her medical affairs, mum manages her financial affairs since she still works very part time hours, drives, goes out socially so it is best for her mental health and $$ to stay where she is. My uncle is nearby for immediate assistance while I make my way over whenever the need is urgent, which is an overnight plane ride away. My uncle and I agreed with her cardiologist that the next level of care will more likely be live in help or long daily help and she has the funds to do so with minimal coverage from her county to cover the difference.

get POA set up now while your parents are still lucid, especially for your mom since she is managing your father and herself pretty well from sound of it. Look into resources in their town for daily help or assisted living if it ever comes to that in the event you decide not to move nearby.

[mmsmom]

Thank you so much for all of the responses. I truly appreciate the shared experiences and giving me things to think about. It is difficult for sure and something so many will have to face at some point. I’m going to continue thinking things through and discuss with DH so we can come up with a plan.

[mom2binsd]

I work in long term care so I'll give you the perspective of someone who works directly with the patients/residents.

It is SO MUCH EASIER when there is a reasonable and responsible family member who is there (like within an hour or two drive) to help the aging parent with doctor's appointments, setting up therapy if they need it after a hip surgery etc. It is just so much easier to handle all of this when you are local.

If they are in a nursing home, a family member is very important to keep on top of things, bring them things they need, do their laundry if they're picky, come to care plan meetings etc.

Yes it can be done from afar, but I will say that the one's who have family close by tend to get along better.

Absolutely get the POA for healthcare and financial set up ASAP, they don't have to be the same person. Know where all the banking, insurance, mortgage paperwork is. Get yourself on their banking infor/permission to sign checks etc.

It is much easier to move them than you unless they live in a desireable location for your family. Unless they have a huge network of friends, they will find people in their new setting to talk to. I see new friendships develop in Assisted Living and nursing homes all the time.

My father is widowed and lives alone right now, he's 83, on a waiting list for a senior apt. My brother lives 30 min away, I'm over 1000 miles and across an International border, so my brother is primary POA, but I'm also included. We had dad agree to all the POA stuff a few years ago, met with his lawyer and luckily my brother and I get along well. I'm sad that my brother will have the bulk of the work to do (empty the house etc) and takes him to appointments if dad can't get a bus. I'm the one with all the experience but sadly I'm too far away.

Talk with your families about what type of care they want, how much intervention (feeding tube/ventilator etc), what type of funeral etc. It's hard but so necessary. They will all say they don't want to go to a nursing home, but sometimes it's the only option.

[magnoliaparadise]

I work in long term care so I'll give you the perspective of someone who works directly with the patients/residents.

It is SO MUCH EASIER when there is a reasonable and responsible family member who is there (like within an hour or two drive) to help the aging parent with doctor's appointments, setting up therapy if they need it after a hip surgery etc. It is just so much easier to handle all of this when you are local.

If they are in a nursing home, a family member is very important to keep on top of things, bring them things they need, do their laundry if they're picky, come to care plan meetings etc.

Yes it can be done from afar, but I will say that the one's who have family close by tend to get along better.

Absolutely get the POA for healthcare and financial set up ASAP, they don't have to be the same person. Know where all the banking, insurance, mortgage paperwork is. Get yourself on their banking infor/permission to sign checks etc.

It is much easier to move them than you unless they live in a desireable location for your family. Unless they have a huge network of friends, they will find people in their new setting to talk to. I see new friendships develop in Assisted Living and nursing homes all the time.

My father is widowed and lives alone right now, he's 83, on a waiting list for a senior apt. My brother lives 30 min away, I'm over 1000 miles and across an International border, so my brother is primary POA, but I'm also included. We had dad agree to all the POA stuff a few years ago, met with his lawyer and luckily my brother and I get along well. I'm sad that my brother will have the bulk of the work to do (empty the house etc) and takes him to appointments if dad can't get a bus. I'm the one with all the experience but sadly I'm too far away.

Talk with your families about what type of care they want, how much intervention (feeding tube/ventilator etc), what type of funeral etc. It's hard but so necessary. They will all say they don't want to go to a nursing home, but sometimes it's the only option.

Not the OP, but thanks so much for this information about how to prepare. We have the POAs set up, but I hadn't thought of the other things (knowing where all the banking, insurance, mortgage paperwork is, getting on the banking information/permission to sign checks, going over what type of care wanted and what type of funeral.

The last things I would add (speaking not from experience, but from what friends have told me) is to encourage parents to organize, throw out, and go through all their stuff - possessions and papers - before they die. Also, I know you mentioned funeral, but my friend told me that when his mother died, she had planned everything - the music, prayers, I think more specifics than that, but I don't know what. She had also paid for it. He said it made things so easy for him because he was in such a state of sadness and didn't have to think about what she wanted. My sense is that practice is slowly catching on in the UK (I don't know about the US).