Almost 13 yr old DS has few friends

[Hippoharbor]

Hi. I am concerned with the low number of friends my son seems to have and am unsure if I am being too sensitive or is this in the realm of “normal”.

My son’s 13th birthday is right before spring break. I am already starting to plan his party. We are going to have a sleepover and an escape room session. When I asked my son who he would like to invite, he could only come up with two names. Both of these boys transferred with him from his elementary school to his private middle school, and so they have been friends for many years. He did also add the name of a third boy, a new friend from this new school. I asked for him to invite a few more boys...these escape rooms require approx. 9-12 people to run well (I think; we have never done one). He was unable to name anyone else. He has been at this new school for 6 months. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t seem to have any other friends. Is this normal for a boy of this age to have just a couple of friends only? We live in a neighborhood with no other children, so he only has school as a place to make friends.

Is there a way to coach my son into making new friends?

Thank you

[ellies mom]

The big question is whether or not it bothers him. Some people like just having a couple of close friends and some like having a ton of close and not so close friends. If your son is happy with the number of friends he has, I'd let it be.


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[mom2binsd]

I think it depends on the kid. If he just moved into the area 6 months ago that isn't much time really to get to know kids, especially if many of the others have known each other for awhile. Does he play any sports, I find that sports really foster friendships? Other extra curricular activities ?

Maybe plan a different activity for the party that would work better for small number, maybe rock climbing wall/arcade -there are places popping up that have all the old school games and the kids love it.

My almost 12 year old is the opposite, he exhausts me with his constant social events/wanting to go to friends/have friends over, luckily they entertain themselves and play outside a lot. We live in a neighborhood with lots of kids, his two best buddies live 4 houses away, and my son plays travel hockey with the same group of boys he's played with for 5 years, and with all the travel and practice they spend a lot of time together and the families have all become friends.

I think private schools are hard too as they often pool from all over, so the natural neighborhood friend thing doesn't happen.

As he moves to high school he'll probably find his niche, whether it's a sports team, or club activity.

[hillview]

My 12 year old has a couple of friends. He is happy. Occasionally a flicker of concern hits me but it’s ok. I did ask his teachers if he is connected at school and they all reported yes so ... he is happy. We haven’t done a birthday party with kids for him in a couple of years. His preference.

[Simon]

My son has a lot of "school friends," people he talks to or hangs out with during classes, lunch, recess, but few who he would think to invite to a party. It doesn't bother him at all so it would not occur to me to be concerned. I also think that 6 months is very little time to form strong, new friendships.

I agree with the suggestion for a different type of party; movie and arcade or something that gives him time to socialize. Maybe encourage him to invite one new friend but the balance of who knows whom and will get along well can be tricky at that age so I wouldn't push it.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

is he bothered by only having few friends? i think that is the biggest question. some kids are really okay with not having a lot of friends and actually prefer that.

my DH had very few friends growing up..basically only 1 or 2 friends, max throughout childhood. he was (still is) very much an introvert and not a social person at all. he didn't mind it one bit. for birthday parties, they were all family parties with cousins etc..never friends from school or anything. i found it rather bizarre but i think many kids, especially boys, are like that.

[niccig]

You can provide opportunities for him to make friends, but it’s up to him if wants to be friends. Suggest having other kids over, does he do any after school activities etc


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[StantonHyde]

Find another activity for the party. I think it is fine that he has only 3 friends. My kids are both like that. I am like that! 6 months is really a short time.

[PZMommy]

Unless he is bothered by only having a few friends, I wouldn’t worry. My oldest only has a few friends, and he is happy with that. My youngest knows just about every kid on his elementary campus. He is a social butterfly. It is just their personality. I was, and still am, much more like my older son. I have always just had a few close friends, and am perfectly happy that way.

[essnce629]

I don't think it's a big deal. My 14 year old DS1 would not be able to come up with 9-12 friends he'd want to invite. He invites the same 5 friends every year to his birthday sleepover. We always end up going to play laser tag and you don't need that big of a group.

[liz]

My 14yo DS has just a few close friends that he likes to hang out with, but he is friends with a lot of kids at school. Also, by the time age 13 rolled around, a lot of his friends did not have birthday parties anymore. My DS decided he didn't want any friends over at all for his birthday this year and he was totally fine with that. We did an outing with a good friend instead.

[ged]

Find another activity for the party. I think it is fine that he has only 3 friends. My kids are both like that. I am like that! 6 months is really a short time.

I agree

[squimp]

I think it's really common for kids' social groups to contract during middle school. We used to have big, elaborate parties with 12 girls sleeping over, big productions, lots of activities. Now they get together in smaller groups (3-5 kids) and do crafts or make giant cookies or whatever. It is fine, and really a part of making deeper more meaningful friendships IME.

The escape room sounds really fun, is there any way to do a smaller group or be part of another group?

[gatorsmom]

Unless he is bothered by only having a few friends, I wouldn’t worry. My oldest only has a few friends, and he is happy with that. My youngest knows just about every kid on his elementary campus. He is a social butterfly. It is just their personality. I was, and still am, much more like my older son. I have always just had a few close friends, and am perfectly happy that way.

I could have written this. It’s our family exactly. I wanted to add that my oldest doesn’t have many friends at school because his school is tiny and there are only 2 boys in his class. He doesn’t consider either one of them close friends. They are both so different from him. His close friends are family (DS2) and friends outside of school that he knows from activities. He seems happy enough about it. DS2 has a ton of friends at school and outside school. My other 2 kids are different from that.

[twowhat?]

I don't see it as a big deal either - some kids are cut from the "few but close friends" cloth. Both of my kids are like this. In fact, they SHARE a best friend hahaha. But they do get along well with others in school so it's not a social issue.

I'm also the same way, preferring just a few close friends.

Does he WANT to do the escape room thing? If so, ask him if he'd like to invite the whole class so you can get the number of participants needed? If he doesn't necessarily want to do the escape room thing, then there is no problem with a nice low-key party. Movie, food, hanging out. Or, take him and the 2 chosen friends to something bigger like the local amusement park or putt putt or whatever floats his boat. I would follow his lead on what he wants for a birthday celebration since he's not asking for anything crazy.

[ezcc]

My son just did an escape room - there were 6 of them. I didn't arrange it so not sure how it worked, but it sounded like that was a good number. But I think it is normal for kids at middle/high school ages to have a few good friends- and it definitely takes time if he is at a new school. He also hasn't been to/or hosted a largish birthday party since he was 10 or so... mostly for his birthday he invites 3-4 friends for a movie or to spend the night. His friends seem to do the same.

[rlu]

If he doesn't care, I wouldn't worry about the number of his friends.

I think it was when DS was a young tween that we switched to movies or mini-golf for his bday party. He invites a few friends (eta: meaning between 2 and 4). A good friend moved away so we're down to 2 friends for this year's party.

[KpbS]

This thread makes me feel better. DS (13)'s friends have dwindled in the last couple of years. He is friendly with many, but only has a handful of kids he could come up with for birthday purposes. He likes to spend almost all of his spare time with just one friend and there is only so much free time.

[belovedgandp]

My DS is in 8th grade and truly flows through life without many close friends. He's buddies with kids at TKD. He texts and is friendly with school kids in plays with him. He sits at lunch with the same two boys. He had four kids for his birthday last year and is having four this year.

He is friendly with everyone but just doesn't need social interaction on a super regular basis outside of activities and school. SOOOOO not me, but I've come to accept it.

[almostmom]

I think it's fine, and at this age it seems friendships are in motion. DS is 14, and always had a core group of 4. It has started to break apart, and he wasn't inviting anyone over, or going anywhere. I wasn't worried - he seemed happy to be home, but DH was worried. I had to keep telling him to leave the kid alone, that he was fine. And now a few months later he has found a new group of boys, which includes one of his original friends. But if I suggested a bday party, I'm not sure he would feel comfortable inviting them yet.
We stopped official bday parties a couple years ago. If it works out for them to have a movie and sleepover with friends around their bday, fine. But otherwise, we go to dinner as a family, make it special. Especially for DS, he didn't need the stress of figuring out who to invite, or not, during the tricky middle school years of mobile friendships...