how to respond to comments like this

[♥ms.pacman♥]

background - i just started taking part in a weekly parenting discussion group for parents in our school district. it is a group of maybe a dozen parents led by a couple of moderators. it is kind of like a book club but for a specific parenting topic (in this case, parenting gifted children). the gist of it is we are supposed to read chapters of this book on raising gifted kids and then discuss those chapters in the session.

last night the topic was motivation and how often some gifted kids aren't motivated to do schoolwork and/or activities and we talked about perfectionism, procrastination, etc. basically everyone in the room (including me) could totally relate. Started talking about some kids downplaying their intelligence bc they want to fit in with their peers. ok, i get that. Then the lead moderator (who was sitting next to me) turned to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said "Ok, now (my name), I really don't want to, um, but you know..." (insert long awkward 5 second pause here...here i am thinking "ok, what? What is she going to say. Why me?? She obviously sounds super uncomfortable. Omg, what is she going to say??") And then she proceeds to talk about how she once knew this Hispanic family where the daughter was very smart and how they had just moved from Mexico and she tested into (our school gifted program) but then she ended up not wanting to be in the gifted program because none of her Hispanic friends were in it. And how it's a common problem with Hispanic people as well African Americans and how they are extremely underrepresented in the district gifted programs. (long awkward pause before moving on to next topic -- nobody else in the room was Hispanic or black of course, i guess hence the need to somehow point this out to the rest of the group - lol).

ugh. I wanted to disappear. First off, i am an introvert and i hate drawing attention to myself when i'm around people i don't know well. but i think that even if that is not that case..isn't it inconsiderate to single someone out like that? I mean, how is it any different if she had pointed to the one mom who was extremely overweight and said "Ok, now Sally I don't mean to single you out! But hey everyone! Let's talk about obesity and how it can be a major struggle for many kids in this country...". Seriously, I don't see the difference...but i think somehow many ppl are oblivious that people of color may be tired of always being pointed out as the example of a societal problem for others to muse on.

FWIW, i am so not going to say anything about it at this point (i will keep going to the discussion and hope that there are no more further topics come up that i can be used as an example of the myriad of problems in specific minority communities, LOL) but i am just wondering, any tips for how to respond in situations like this. i take it some folks here have come across well-intentioned yet hurtful/insensitive comments from people (say well-meaning family members, friends or coworkers, on topics like infertility, weight issues, or whatever) and i'm at a loss to what to say or to respond in those situations (i'm so not quick-witted! I'm so like George Costanza, lol). i have always try to ignore but it's sometimes gets so frustrating. ideally would love to make my point across that things like this are hurtful without making people all defensive. thank u for reading and for any suggestions.

[sariana]

I don't have any advice. She was really rude! (I'm sure she meant well. :rolleyes:) I would be inclined to say, "Why are you addressing me? My family is from Jupiter," or something else snarky, but in reality I'm kind of an introvert like you and probably would just ignore her.

[StantonHyde]

Oh good grief!!!!! She just didn't need to do that. She could have just talked about POC and how it can be hard for some kids to be in gifted classes when they lack a support system--she could have made that point without saying anything about race. What she is saying can be true, but she handled it wrong. I think you are being very kind.

For example, when I give Planned Parenthood talks on STIs to teen girls in a chemical dependency program, I obviously discuss how to avoid/protect oneself during all sexual activity. I go over what they might do if they are in lesbian relationship--and there is always at least one gay teen in the group. I sure as heck don't stop and stare at that girl and say--"you need to know this, pay attention"--because that would be rude and awkward. I just present it to the whole group-who knows who might find that info useful for them or people they know. And if girls want more info after the presentation, they can talk to me.

I realize that you probably don't want to do this and honestly, you shouldn't have to, but I think that speaker/moderator needs to know just how awkward and unnecessary that interaction was. I wish somebody else in the class would tell her. If you can say that to her at some point, she really needs the feedback. If you can't, I understand. sigh....I can do feedback but I can't do witty comments in the moment!

[jenstring95]

Are you freaking kidding me? A group of parents who finds that they share similar issues with regards to their children's education, learning styles, quirks, etc gets together to help each other through some of these hurdles, and the MODERATOR - seeks to single you out because of the color of your skin or ethnicity? I hope you didn't say anything. I hope you let your silence speak volumes. I can't even think of a snappy retort, and I'm sure I couldn't have in the moment. Maybe just say something like you don't really identify as a minority in this group; you identify as a fellow parent of a gifted child. I just don't see how one anecdotal story is supposed to apply to your situation.

[bisous]

No great advice at all but I want you to know that I always freeze when I encounter surprising rudeness and I’m not sure if that will ever change as much as I wish I could prepare for it. My sister is awesome on her feet but I’m just not—maybe I still don’t expect it?

That must have been surprising for you to be put on the spot like that as an “other” when you felt so much a part of the group. That’s incredibly unfair, very tone deaf and super rude. I know you said you aren’t going to do anything about it but maybe you can say something to the moderator later? Sometimes the moment comes and goes but sometimes there is a reason to revisit s conversation.

[magnoliaparadise]

I understand this feeling. I hate when it happens. I would say something to the woman - if you feel she won't get very defensive and can handle it. I would say it when I'm sure I feel calm and I would try to be upbeat. She honestly may not have realized what she was doing.

I have gotten that kind of thing for being a single parent. I think the speakers (or whomever is singling me out) is doing it out of wink-wink either praise to me that she wants others to see (like, "wow, you go girl for doing this on your own and I want to flatter you in public!") or a kind of "look group, isn't this wonderful that we have such diversity here - an alternative family!'. It's really uncomfortable.

it doesn't just happen to adults. My kid, in preschool, had a bad experience of being a single parent's child by her teachers. She kept getting singled out for her being a child of a single kid directly. I ended up going to the teachers who acknowledged that they were doing that and apologized profusely and said that they were just trying to show the other kids that there were many families out in the world and since my kid was from one of them, they wanted to show them that one was right in their classroom. We talked and I nicely said that there is a fine line between acknowledging that kids are from all sorts of families and making one child feel uncomfortable and feel like she is a poster child for 'differences'. And at 3 years old. The teachers agreed and stopped immediately.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I understand this feeling. I hate when it happens. I would say something to the woman - if you feel she won't get very defensive and can handle it. I would say it when I'm sure I feel calm and I would try to be upbeat. She honestly may not have realized what she was doing.

I have gotten that kind of thing for being a single parent. I think the speakers (or whomever is singling me out) is doing it out of wink-wink either praise to me that she wants others to see (like, "wow, you go girl for doing this on your own and I want to flatter you in public!") or a kind of "look group, isn't this wonderful that we have such diversity here - an alternative family!'. It's really uncomfortable.

it doesn't just happen to adults. My kid, in preschool, had a bad experience of being a single parent's child by her teachers. She kept getting singled out for her being a child of a single kid directly. I ended up going to the teachers who acknowledged that they were doing that and apologized profusely and said that they were just trying to show the other kids that there were many families out in the world and since my kid was from one of them, they wanted to show them that one was right in their classroom. We talked and I nicely said that there is a fine line between acknowledging that kids are from all sorts of families and making one child feel uncomfortable and feel like she is a poster child for 'differences'. And at 3 years old. The teachers agreed and stopped immediately.

Oh wow- thank u for this perspective. You nailed the feeling exactly...often being singled out to be “the poster child” for something and it being so uncomfortable.

Re: your DD and teachers comments- that is crazy teachers said those things..that is so incredibly insensitive. It sounds pretty similar to what I went thru as a kid growing up in the Midwest, in a surburban, nearly all white town. My 2nd teacher would be talking about color differences , MLK and would say things to the class like “look at (my name)...see how her skin is darker than everyone else’s? But she’s American just like us!” Ugh.. 🤮 . It’s a lifetime of clueless insensitive comments like this by well-meaning people, and it gets so frustrating. I want to scream , I don’t exist for the purpose of “educating” you and all other white folks about race or other problems!

Thanks all for the replies , helps to know I am not alone in being bothered by this. There were other very good points raised...I am on my phone so it is harder for me to multi-quote..

[123LuckyMom]

Is the moderator who did this representing any organization? If so, I would definitely call the organization, describe the incident, and ask what sort of training, especially racial/cultural sensitivity training, they provide for their representatives. It’s kind of “moderator 101” not to make people uncomfortable by singling them out, let alone as representative of a minority group! What that moderator did was BAD!!! If she’s just a private citizen the group elected to moderate or something, I would talk to her and express that being singled out and held up as representative of a group made you very uncomfortable. Let her know that making the comment about the group was fine, but assuming anything about a particular member of that group simply because s/he is a member of the group is problematic. Also, singling any person out for any reason can make that person uncomfortable. It’s up to her to decide what to do with that advice, but it’s important to give it.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[Corie]

I would be inclined to say, "Why are you addressing me? My family is from Jupiter," or something else snarky,


I would have said something along those lines as well. But I'm an extrovert and tend to speak my mind even when I shouldn't. I can go to the
next meeting with you and call her out for you, if you want. :)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I don't have any advice. She was really rude! (I'm sure she meant well. :rolleyes:) I would be inclined to say, "Why are you addressing me? My family is from Jupiter," or something else snarky, but in reality I'm kind of an introvert like you and probably would just ignore her.

Lol I wish I had had the chutzpah (and the wit) to say something like that! That is perfect bc blunt humor is often really effective in these situations. I seriously was shocked bc I had made absolutely NO MENTION at all about my ethnic background (I NEVER do in these situations) yet she apparently figured it out from my appearance or last name. And ironically several of the other parents right before that had brought forth cultural issues like getting their gifted kids to learn their parents native tongue and preserve their culture, something I had zero concern over (my kids don’t know a lick of Spanish) . I joke with DH that culturally speaking we are often the “whitest” people in the room (we are both in engineering and our kids are in gifted programs, Russian math and piano which are typically like >90% Asian/Indian here...We feel like in the minority as we speak English to our parents, kids staple foods are pb&j, pizza, mac n cheese and My kids favorite restaurant is probably Cracker Barrel (ha). So comments this make me think of how apparently none of this matters, many white folks still see me (and by consequence, my kids) as ethnicity and it is upsetting, not to mention very uncomfortable to be always be put in this awkward position.

[dogmom]

Well, I think it's hard to do anything in the moment, because interventions are seldom effective then. Especially one the person is clearly aware of awkwardness and yet continues, but clearly feels they need to say something. I would try to get back in contact with the person and make suggestions on how they can do better, IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. You don't have to represent a whole group all the time. I think a good way to introduce these topics (from a moderater view point) is to introduce the concept of small and big observations based on data. Like:

"Kids want to fit in. Really gifted kids may downplay their gifts to be more like others. Other parts of their life may compound this. Like being from a different economic situation that most of the kids in a school. This can be magnified more by even larger societal feelings of "I'm not like them" with people of color. Do you feel like any of your kids may feel this way? How do you think we can support them?"

So if you go back to the moderator and say, "something like this would be helpful. Singling someone out is not. I'm just trying to give you feedback and help you out" I think is a good exercise. Then listen to what she says in response. It's taken decades for me to figure out different approaches during very difficult conversations that can mean life or death where things like race, substance abuse, childhood trauma, sexual assault, and on and on that are the elephant in room. I find most of it is learning how to really listen and constantly retooling your message. So it's no surprise it goes wrong so often. So my instinct is to say the best way for you to learn the best response in these awkward situations is try one on one feedback and get yourself in a place where you can listen to the person. That way you can figure out your best approach.

I'm sorry, it sucks and there is no quick fix.

[DualvansMommy]

ugh, talk about an uncomfortable moment fro you. I would speak to the moderator (if shes a frequent guest in your group) next time alone how you felt uncomfortable being singled out like that. It happens to me sometimes and I often try to approach it from the perspective of them not knowing any better, so any education from the direct source is better than getting ill-formed information about my sub population.

often I get caught out being pointed out, but there have been an instance or two where I've made a snappy response that put them in their places. so sorry! so many ways to have made a point she wanted to say without singling you or any others like that.

[carolinacool]

"Kids want to fit in. Really gifted kids may downplay their gifts to be more like others. Other parts of their life may compound this. Like being from a different economic situation that most of the kids in a school. This can be magnified more by even larger societal feelings of "I'm not like them" with people of color. Do you feel like any of your kids may feel this way? How do you think we can support them?"

This is great! I think it's a really valid point and good to be mentioned. But how the moderator did it is cringe-worthy. I agree with Dogmom that it could be valuable to send her a quick email so that she knows going forward. But I completely understand if you don't want to.