Advice for a friend regarding middle school bullying

[elbenn]

A friend asked me to post about a bullying situation her daughter is in to try to get some advice. K is in middle school and one of her best friends (F) has another close friend (M). M doesn't like K because she wants F to herself-she has basically told K this. F would like for her friends K and M to get along but M isn't interested in even trying to be nice to K despite her friend's requests. The main problem is lunch time. Most of K's friends are in the group that sits with M. M will move tables if K tries to sit at their table. When M moves tables, she gets everyone else to move with her so K doesn't even try to sit with her anymore. F is caught in the middle and sits with K one week and M the other week as a compromise.

K has one other friend that she sits with so she's not alone but she would like to sit with a bigger group but she says that all of the other tables are full. I asked what the table arrangements are and she said that the tables are contiguous so you could sit next to a group that's at an adjoining table. Right now K and her friend just sit off by themselves but it seems like it would be good for them to sit next to another group so maybe they could feel like part of a bigger group.

I don't have kids in middle school yet so I don't really have any great advice for how to handle this but I figured some moms on this board would. FWIW, K is a really sweet and quiet girl who isn't mean at all herself.

[div_0305]

It sounds like F1 should distance herself from F2 then. It doesn't sound like K is doing anything to alienate F2, so in this case F2 should be given a consequence by F1. If F1's friendship is so important to F2, then she'll be friendly to K. I do find it odd that F2 would outright tell K she wants F1 all to herself. That sounds like a jealous boyfriend comment. Since this is from your friend, there's always the other side of the story to consider, and F1 would need to decide on her own that F2 is acting immature.

[elbenn]

It sounds like F1 should distance herself from F2 then. It doesn't sound like K is doing anything to alienate F2, so in this case F2 should be given a consequence by F1. If F1's friendship is so important to F2, then she'll be friendly to K. I do find it odd that F2 would outright tell K she wants F1 all to herself. That sounds like a jealous boyfriend comment. Since this is from your friend, there's always the other side of the story to consider, and F1 would need to decide on her own that F2 is acting immature.

It does sound like F1 is the one who could do something since she is actually friends with the girl who is being mean. By the way, I changed the abbreviations around since it read kind of confusing.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree that it’s up to F to stand up to M. Of course K can do that, too. It takes some courage, but most bullys will fold when people stand up to them. I don’t know if there are other kids in the group that moves with M that would be willing to protest, too, but forming a group that’s willing would be great. Next lunch, K should sit down with F and M and that group. If M tries to move the group away, K needs to say something like, “M, it’s incredibly rude of you to move away from me, and it’s downright mean to get everyone else to move and leave me alone. I’m going to sit here with my friends, F, G, and H. You’re welcome to sit here, too, or you can move, but someone who’s secure in herself wouldn’t feel so threatened by me being here.” Then F, G, and H have to be willing to back K up. If M threatens not to be friends if they don’t move, or something, they have to say, “We want to be friends with you, but we’re also friends with K, and we’re not moving. We’d really like it if you’d sit here with us. You don’t have to like K, you just have to sit here so we can be with both you and K.” There are two outcomes here. M may sit down, or she may gather a group and leave, but K, F, and G will still have a group. Ultimately M will realize that if she wants to be friends with F, she’s going to have to tolerate K at lunch. This can work with only F standing with K, but then they may end up a twosome. I bet they could win others over to their side, though.


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