WWYD? Need Advice

[westwoodmom04]

Younger dc is in elemtary school (but older than third grade). One of the big events of this year is a play put on by the class. I recently stopped working and dh would like me to accompany him to a conference at a resort on the other side of the country. The planets have aligned and grandparents can come into town to babysit. I have not been on a trip alone with dh in 3 years (although there will be presuably be other opportunities since I only plan to work part time going forward but grand parents availability may be difficult to arrange). As you may have guessed, dc’s play would be in the middle of the four day trip. Grand parents and sibling can attend, and I believe it will be recorded. DC is extremely upset about this possibility, and has brought it up pretty much daily over the course of the past week since the conflict was discovered.
Dc is my sensitive child and there have been tears more than once. I have never previously missed a performance and go to nearly all dc’s games.

Would you go on the trip or stay home to see the play?

[mommy111]

I would ask DH for his opinion as well. Whatever the decision is, everyone in the family has to be on board

[megs4413]

I can see why this is such a tough one for you.

For me, I would go with my husband. We try to reinforce the message that marriage is really, really important. We prioritize time together and yes, sometimes the kids get jealous, but a happily married set of parents is what we're going for.

I suggest making very sure that the performance is recorded and make a BIG production of "screening" it when you get home from the trip....popcorn, tickets, dress up. whatever. do it up big!

[123LuckyMom]

I hate to say this, and I won’t blame you if you take the trip, but I’d stay and see the play. It’s really important to your child. When things are important like that, if there’s a way to honor it, I’d honor it. Of course if I thought there were any way I could convince my kid NOT to be devastated, I’d try that a billion times first! In the end, though, it may feel really bad to your child, maybe like someone you care about blowing off your wedding. I’m not saying that’s fair or accurate, but it really might land that way for your child unless you can talk it through and get your child’s buy-in to miss the play.


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[cvanbrunt]

Go on the trip. Your marriage is important and your child will have people there. It's fine for our kiddos to learn that some priorities aren't always in alignment with their desires.

[ahisma]

I'd go. We see almost everything, which is what makes missing the rare thing ok. Plus, grandparents being there to see it is pretty awesome!

[AnnieW625]

I would go on the trip....your kids will understand. Skype or FaceTime that night and order a copy of the video.


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[squimp]

I would go. FaceTime if possible, or come home and watch the video together. Make popcorn and make a big deal about it.

[jgenie]

I’ll be in the minority on this one but I would stay home. I think a child being upset that you’re going to miss their event is different from being upset you’re going away.

[jacksmomtobe]

I would stay home unless there is a way to get dc on board by hyping up the grandparents being “special attendees” and that you will do a screening when you return. Though I wouldn’t blame you if you did take the trip. Hopefully if you don’t go this time you will get another chance for a trip with DH.

[JBaxter]

I'd stay home and go to the kiddo event. Getting away with your DH is wonderful but somethings are more important.

[specialp]

I hate to say this, and I won’t blame you if you take the trip, but I’d stay and see the play. It’s really important to your child. When things are important like that, if there’s a way to honor it, I’d honor it. Of course if I thought there were any way I could convince my kid NOT to be devastated, I’d try that a billion times first!

Agree. No wrong answer here whatever you decide. Personally, I would not miss it and DH wouldn't want both of us missing it either. Marriage is important, time together is important, you can't be at every event and game, etc. but a class play with a nervous child is a bit difference.

[gymnbomb]

I'd stay home and go to the kiddo event. Getting away with your DH is wonderful but somethings are more important.

I agree that some things are more important, but for me personally this wouldn’t be one of those things. I think you and DH should sit down just the 2 of you and decide if this is one of those things for your family, then present present your decision together to your child so dc understands this is a united parental decision.


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[Liziz]

Oh man, that is really hard. So, I think that marriage has to come before the kids, because kids will suffer the most if your marriage isn't healthy. But, I would really not want to miss that show. If it was a regular game/recurring show, anything like that, I'd be totally fine skipping. But a once a year thing that the child has presumably spent months preparing for is harder to swallow. Also is the fact that this isn't just a getaway vacation for you and your DH -- it's a conference -- so it's not like you're cancelling a vacation you two had planned just for you. Personally, I would choose not to attend the conference (not that they aren't nice, but I've gone w/ DH on them before and I vastly prefer just taking a trip w/ the two of us....I don't really see it as marriage bonding time when I have to hang out w/ a bunch of his coworkers and wait around for him to finish lectures, vs. a trip where the two of us can just hang out and enjoy each other), but immediately start planning a trip that is just for you and DH.

But, like everyone else has said....there is not a single right answer here -- pretty much whatever you do is absolutely acceptable and the right choice for you and your family!

[hillview]

Go on the trip!! DC is well cared for and you are very good at attending everything DC will easily survive this one miss.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I missed ds2’s last elementary school concert last year due to a trip. Me being able to watch it on video and discuss with him worked for him. In the end, it really was ok. Marriage comes first, in my world. Do the trip.
Eta- but it really all hinges on whether you can plan a trip with just dh some other way. That would obviously be my ideal. I’d probably work on that option and try and get the grandparents any other time.


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[anonomom]

Is this play a yearly thing, or a one-time opportunity for your kid?

I conferred with DH on this, and he brought up the point that work conferences aren't necessarily ideal for couple-time bonding. If it's at all possible, I think maybe I'd stay home this time, but arrange for a different weekend retreat for you and DH some other time.

[specialp]

Is this play a yearly thing, or a one-time opportunity for your kid?

I conferred with DH on this, and he brought up the point that work conferences aren't necessarily ideal for couple-time bonding. If it's at all possible, I think maybe I'd stay home this time, but arrange for a different weekend retreat for you and DH some other time.

They generally aren’t. I’ve been to many and they are fun and important to attend which is why I go with DH to at least one every year, but it’s work/career focus, not marriage bonding focus. That happens, of course, because time together, being a team, etc.

ETA: I also think that because I do attend so many that when there is a conflict with a once a year child activity, there's really no debate over which to attend. It might be different if I never went with DH to a conference which might be the case here since OP rarely has childcare.

[KrisM]

Which event will most likely repeat? Will there be another play? Will there be another opportunity to go to a conference with DH?

If the play is a one-time thing and you could go to a conference again next year, then I'd for sure do the play. If the conference is a one time chance and you won't be able to get away for another 3-4 years or more, and the play will happen again, go to the conference.

I'd personally go to the play. But others choosing the conference trip would be okay too. I know when I went to work conferences, it was all day and evening and spouses would have been on their own until 9 or 10 at night.

[klwa]

Hmm. The fact that it's a one and done on the play makes me lean more toward staying for the play. If there were multiple nights, I'd say you could skip. Also, the fact that you & DH can more easily plan adventures like this in the future makes me lean towards staying for the play.

(Although, DH & I haven't had an alone trip in 12 years. We've had a few nights here & there where the kids spent a single night with grandparents, but no trips. So, I don't see that as a high priority. Especially as part of a work trip where he may be busy during large chunks of the day. I'd be bored. I'm trying to decide if we should work something out for our anniversary next year as a couple's trip. It will be our 20th anniversary, so I figure we probably ought to really celebrate.)

[chlobo]

Is this his first play?

Honestly, I would go. I think its important to kids to come to understand that parents have lives too and that sometimes they will miss things. It may be a tough lesson but the sooner its learned the better.

[bisous]

Well I'd want to stay for sure but I can't tell you if that is the right thing to do! DH would definitely want me to go! I guess there really isn't a right and a wrong answer--just what you think works best for you in this situation. I do think marriage as a priority is a good thing for kids to see but I personally cherish things like plays and performances and it would hurt my enjoyment of the trip to miss it.

[candaceb]

I've never forgotten the time when my parents went to the Napa Valley Wine Auction and skipped my fifth grade graduation. It wasn't as much seeing the graduation that bothered me as the fact that everyone else had their parents there.
Is there any way to tack time on to the end (or the beginning) of the business trip so you can do both?

[MSWR0319]

I posted something similar to this two years ago. For us it was the championship swim meet vs a conference with DH. I got all sorts of mixed answers, but in the end I stayed and took DS to his swim meet. It was the right choice for us. DS is also my nervous, sensitive kid and needed me there. DH had meetings and such and it wasn't going to be a "bonding" experience for us. I would have been spending more time with other wives and not DH. I felt bad because DH wanted me to go, but there will be others and I'd much rather have gone on a vacation with him on our own vs with his co-workers. The same conference fell on the same weekend again last year, and it was a no brainer for me to stay and go to the meet. Don't feel guilty for whatever you choose. Only you and DH know what is right.

[Pear]

I would stay for the play.

Work trips don’t make that great of getaways anyway. Even a local hotel for a couple of nights would give you a better chance to reconnect.

[khalloc]

I would go on the trip. Its not like you'd be missing the play to go out to a local dinner or something easily switched. This is a planned trip. I'm surprised at all of the people who think you should change travel plans for a school play. You've made every effort to go to your kids' sport events and other functions every.other.time. Take this one time for yourself and your marriage. At some point kids need to know that parents' relationships shouldnt always take the back burner.

[BananaMama]

I'd stay and go to the play BUT my husband and I go away alone pretty frequently and I'm not interested in going on his business trips.


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[WitMom]

So how much of the trip will be work vs. pleasure? A trip sounds great and all, but if your husband is going to be working and networking the whole time you're gone, it's not going to be "couples time" anyway. I would factor that into whichever decision I made.

[westwoodmom04]

Thanks for all the replies, lots to think about.. To clarify— DH is a doctor that is presenting a paper, otherwise, he is not obligated to attend any sessions and most won’t apply to his specialty, anyway. I attended other conferences with him, and he typically will go to one or two talks a day, usually pretty early in the morning, leaving most of the day free. There won’t be any required group dinners either, although there will be friends there from other cities that we don’t see frequently. That said, there are probably half a dozen similar events each year, although only one or two are in resort areas as opposed to big cities. This particular conference happens to be in a resort area that is a favorite of mine.

[georgiegirl]

There’s no right answer. Part of it depends on the kid. With my oldest, she would need me at her big event or else she’d have some sort of anxiety attack. With my middle child, he’d be disappointed, but he would get over it. Personally, I would stay and go to the play, but I wouldn’t think poorly of a parent who decided to go on the trip, so long as he/she frequently attended important kids events.


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[DualvansMommy]

Thanks for all the replies, lots to think about.. To clarify— DH is a doctor that is presenting a paper, otherwise, he is not obligated to attend any sessions and most won’t apply to his specialty, anyway. I attended other conferences with him, and he typically will go to one or two talks a day, usually pretty early in the morning, leaving most of the day free. There won’t be any required group dinners either, although there will be friends there from other cities that we don’t see frequently. That said, there are probably half a dozen similar events each year, although only one or two are in resort areas as opposed to big cities. This particular conference happens to be in a resort area that is a favorite of mine.

I was gonna ask whether you would really get prime alone time with DH as a conference isn’t ideal setting to me. But it sounds like you may get fair amount of time alone and at a favorite resort of yours. Only you and Dh knows your family dynamic better and your sensitive child. I’m one of those who puts the marriage first, especially after having a rocky period 3 years ago. It really put things in perspective for me.

Is there a way you can return early from the trip to see the play if it’s a really one time only play your child is involved? Ds1 is my sensitive and nervous kiddo but the fact if his favorite grandfather was gonna be there, it’ll really settle him. I don’t know if thats the case for your Ds with any of grandparents in attendance? I’m leaning on going with your DH and make a big theatre like production of watching the play on video with whole family together after the trip and perhaps special dinner out too to celebrate that milestone? Some things stick in a child’s memory more than others, so this is hard to to say whether this will be one of those moments, but I remember my mom missing my one and only swim championship meet cuz she wanted to go Thailand with her boyfriend that same week. It really stuck in my memory cuz I had no else like grandparents or siblings to watch and cheer. That’s not the case for your kid. It’s a good learning point for your child to know not everything can be made to happen in life.


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[AnnieW625]

I've never forgotten the time when my parents went to the Napa Valley Wine Auction and skipped my fifth grade graduation. It wasn't as much seeing the graduation that bothered me as the fact that everyone else had their parents there.
Is there any way to tack time on to the end (or the beginning) of the business trip so you can do both?

OMG! Now that imho is crazy the wine auction happens every year! My grandparents went yearly from around 1982 (or whatever year it started) to 1994 and then missed 1995 because I graduated from high school and also missed 1998 as my brother graduated from high school that year.

I hope they really enjoyed the wine they bought that year or hopefully the world class vacation or what not they won that year.


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[TwinFoxes]

I'd go on the trip. I'm a SAHM, and have to, er, get to go to lots of performances. Most kids' parents can't make it to all of them. I've even missed some. My mom WOH and missed a lot of my performances. It's fine. It was a bummer at the time, but I got over it. Also, my DDs would looove a long weekend with grandma without mommy and daddy around to ruin the non-stop spoiling.


Whatever the decision is, everyone in the family has to be on board

I don't agree. Sometimes parents have to make decisions that kids don't like.

[Jeanne]

Team GO for me if you and DH are both in agreement. My girls know that we happily put them first almost always and our weekends/life is dictated by their activities. We do things for us but they don't clash too often with their theirs. If we miss one thing, we more than make up for it with all the others. Bottom line for us is that our girls understand that the sun doesn't rise and set on them.

If it's really not that big a deal to miss the trip and you're going to have extreme guilt and worry by missing the play then you have your answer. But the grandparents babysitting opportunity is a big thing if it's not often available. Those opportunities don't come along too often. You have another 8-10 years of restriction so I would also base my decision on that.

[Dream]

I'll stay, specially since DC is still in Elementary and the trip is not solely for pleasure and for the both of you. At this age I don't want to miss the kiddie things, they grow up so fast and before we know it our kids will not require our presence as much as they need it now. I'll rather take a vacation with DH without DH having to attend a conference.

[Philly Mom]

I am normally in the "my life comes before my kids boat." However, I would not miss a once a year play for my husband's conference even if it we got most of the time together. My kid would be anxious about the play and I would feel horrible to miss it. I would want to be there. I would talk to the grandparents and find another time when they are free and then schedule a couples only trip. But that would be my choice. I think only you can decide what you feel comfortable with.

[buddyleebaby]

I would stay home for the play. It sounds like it means more to your child than the trip means to your husband. Getaways are always nice but it sounds like there will be other opportunities. I don't see it as prioritizing your child over your marriage.

[PZMommy]

Well I'd want to stay for sure but I can't tell you if that is the right thing to do! DH would definitely want me to go! I guess there really isn't a right and a wrong answer--just what you think works best for you in this situation. I do think marriage as a priority is a good thing for kids to see but I personally cherish things like plays and performances and it would hurt my enjoyment of the trip to miss it.

This is how I would feel too. I would not enjoy the trip knowing that I was missing my child’s play. I love going to those things!

[HannaAddict]

If I had not gone overnight for three years with my husband and the trip was across country and something he asked me to come on, I would go. It is totally special the grandparents can attend. It is not like no one will be there. And it is a school play, there will be many many of those. But three years of no alone time vs chance my child might be sad, go on the trip. Kids need to be resilient and you aren’t abandoning them. Don’t feel guilty. Especially since he’s older than third grade. He can understand or if he doesn’t now, he will at some point. And it is fine to be disappointed or sad but also super important to learn to move on. Bringing it up daily and tears, if you don’t go because of that, would not be a good message to send. But I know it is hard. We missed a school music performance for a similar trip that my husband wanted me to go on, and my child lived. I think he was in 4th grade. Our nanny went to the tut, tuts, of other parents. We go to literally everything. It was a great grown up trip (work too) and glad I didn’t stay home for that one school music performance. (Not like something he’d auditioned for and was a “big” deal, if that makes sense. )


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[carolinacool]

Not to be insensitive, but do you know what your child is doing in the play? My DS has a yearly musical at school. Basically a handful of kids have a few lines and the rest of the kids are the chorus. And it's over in 25 minutes. I mean, it's cute and all and it's "Once a year!" but...

I know it's probably not right to base your decision around that, but like Hanna Addict alludes to, there are plays and then there are PLAYS! If you go everything other thing, I would not feel guilty about going on the trip.

[twowhat?]

I think you have to talk it over with DH and probably go with your gut and then tell your DC what the decision is. If you decide to go, then definitely make a big deal about watching the video of the play together over popcorn - make it an event.

If there is a way for you to go either before or after the play happens (tacking on 1-2 days before or after), that would be awesome! It'd probably mean you'd pay some out of pocket to extend the hotel reservation for the days that your DH can't expense but it may be worth it assuming the hotel is available (which I know for large conferences can be super tricky).

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer - do what you think is best! I agree that kids cannot be made to think the world revolves around them (there will be other plays!) but on the flip side if you have a particularly sensitive child, this could sit unwell with him for a long time. So do what you think will work. Good luck:)

[California]

You say your DC is sensitive. For me, my answer would partly depend on what you mean by that. I have a DC who deals with mild anxiety, and having grandparents from out of town handling the logistics of a play would actually aggravate the anxiety. My DC at that age would have had a very hard self-calming (and a very easy time coming up with worse-case scenarios.) So... in that situation, I'd stay home so DC could focus on the play, and figure out a future trip to go on with DH.

[TwinFoxes]

Not to be insensitive, but do you know what your child is doing in the play? My DS has a yearly musical at school. Basically a handful of kids have a few lines and the rest of the kids are the chorus. And it's over in 25 minutes. I mean, it's cute and all and it's "Once a year!" but...

I know it's probably not right to base your decision around that, but like Hanna Addict alludes to, there are plays and then there are PLAYS! If you go everything other thing, I would not feel guilty about going on the trip.

Exactly this. Now, my kids were in a "real" musical last year, where they auditioned, and they had (minimal) lines and wore makeup and costumes and had tons of rehearsals. I probably wouldn't miss those performances.

Maybe his anxiety will lesson if he finds out he can survive small set backs like a missed play?

And PP whose parent skipped graduation for the wine auction? That thing happens every year, I can see why you were upset.

[RiverRat]

I’m in the you should go camp. This is, in my nice words here, “only” a school play. Not every parent can go to every play. That’s just life. What about the parents that have to work nights? What about us single moms who can’t take off work or we have no paycheck? Graduations, huge award ceremonies, dance recitals that have been years in the making, musicals that they have been rehearsing for and trying out for, different story. I was in school plays, my parents couldn’t make some of them. I honestly don’t even remember it.

Your DC will have someone in the audience - grandparents and sibling.

I had to miss school Christmas productions due to my students final exams. My parents went in my place. My DD’s were 8 and 6. They didn’t care because they weren’t alone. Someone was there to watch them.

I would have no issue with it because your child has someone in the audience to support them. If they had no one, that would be a different story.

Explain to your DC that it is important for you and your DH to go on the trip. That sometimes families have to understand what is important to other family members. It’s 2018 you can watch it live from your iPhone. :) Just have another parent turn on FaceTime. And every single parent that is there will have pictures and videos. So you know that’ll flood your Facebook news feed. Lol.


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[HannaAddict]

I would stay for the play.

Work trips don’t make that great of getaways anyway. Even a local hotel for a couple of nights would give you a better chance to reconnect.

Depending on what type of work and trip, they can be great get aways! Others can be not so great. All depends. But a basic school play, not a huge deal. A graduation or championship competition are very different than the standard school play (other things people posted about not wanting to miss).


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[HannaAddict]

OMG! Now that imho is crazy the wine auction happens every year! My grandparents went yearly from around 1982 (or whatever year it started) to 1994 and then missed 1995 because I graduated from high school and also missed 1998 as my brother graduated from high school that year.

I hope they really enjoyed the wine they bought that year or hopefully the world class vacation or what not they won that year.


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It was a fifth grade graduation, not high school or college. Most schools don’t even have a “graduation” from elementary school so assume it was a lower key event. Weird that a graduation would be during the time of the wine auction too if they were in Napa. But we’d go to a graduation ceremony, even for 5th grade. But basic school plays are generally not that big of a deal unless you kid has a main part of the lead. I’m just surprised at so many people being so worried about skipping anything for their child and so much talk about anxious or sensitive kids. Kids build resiliency and learn they can survive by having small disappointments sometimes.


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[HannaAddict]

Not to be insensitive, but do you know what your child is doing in the play? My DS has a yearly musical at school. Basically a handful of kids have a few lines and the rest of the kids are the chorus. And it's over in 25 minutes. I mean, it's cute and all and it's "Once a year!" but...

I know it's probably not right to base your decision around that, but like Hanna Addict alludes to, there are plays and then there are PLAYS! If you go everything other thing, I would not feel guilty about going on the trip.

This is exactly the kind of play I’m picturing. If it is more involved or a bigger deal or the OP’s child has the lead, then maybe a different choice. Thanks for clarifying the kind of play I’m thinking of when weighing the decision.


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[MMMommy]

Go on the trip. He will have attendees there for him-- grandparents and a sibling. They can record, take pics, even live stream it for you, if they want. Remind DS that you will still be able to see the play, just not in person. Grandparents are making a trip to see this play, and that is pretty special. Parents can't make everything. Kids are resilient. I'd be very surprised if, years down the line, he even remembers or cares that you missed this play. Take this opportunity with DH and treat yourself.

[Pear]

They may also learn from repeated lessons throughout childhood that their parents just can’t be bothered to make the children a priority.

My parents missed my birthday almost every year from 10 and up because it was the most convenient week for them
to take a big fishing trip. Add in the miscellaneous missed school plays and activities and it was easy to see what they really cared about.

[gymnbomb]

They may also learn from repeated lessons throughout childhood that their parents just can’t be bothered to make the children a priority.

My parents missed my birthday almost every year from 10 and up because it was the most convenient week for them
to take a big fishing trip. Add in the miscellaneous missed school plays and activities and it was easy to see what they really cared about.

Ok, that is just horrible. But it is also entirely different than a parent who usually goes to everything missing one school play that the grandparents are going to instead!


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[MMMommy]

They may also learn from repeated lessons throughout childhood that their parents just can’t be bothered to make the children a priority.

My parents missed my birthday almost every year from 10 and up because it was the most convenient week for them
to take a big fishing trip. Add in the miscellaneous missed school plays and activities and it was easy to see what they really cared about.

That is terrible! But I think not parallel to OP's situation. I think OP's missing the play would be the exception to the rule and certainly not the norm for her.

[Octobermommy]

I would go on the trip, no question. Your relationship with your husband is important & as long as you aren’t missing things all the time at school I don’t see a problem. We just can’t be everywhere & that’s okay.