Is it bad to not want to go to friends baby shower?

[pharmjenn]

My best friend from college is having her first baby. We are 46yo. She works 10 minutes from me, and lives abut 40 minutes away. I go to her work about once every 2-3 months to bring her lunch; she never initiates phone calls or visits with me. I don't know any of her friends, but have met her MIL whom I assume will be at the party. Her mother will not be there.
I received the shower invite and I am not working that day, but my 10yo has 2 events right in the middle of the shower (which is about 30 minutes away) My husband has a broken right leg and so can not drive. He could Uber them to the first class, but parents are not allowed to stay, so he would have to go back home, then come back and take DS to football an hour later, then go home. I would be back in time to get DS from football. Both of our moms live in the area, so I could ask them for help, but it seems a burden with the hour when DS is in class and bystanders are not allowed.

Additionally, my friend has registered for the highest quality/cost items I have heard of here, which I don't think she needs. Uppa Baby, Nona, Stokke, Tripptrapp. A Bob, which I do agree with, as she is a very active triathlete. A $50 bathtub and a $100 boppy type pillow. I know how much she makes (school district, so published salary ranges) and her husband is about to lose his job managing a store that is now closing. His parents are rich, but make promises about money they don't keep. I don't know why this part bothers me, since I recognize it is none of my business.

I want to support my friend, as she has been there for me when needed (when I reach out) and she they tried a long time for this baby, but my introvert self, and controlling self feel like I would be happier staying home and taking care of getting DS to his class and sports. Should I make the effort to get coverage and get to her party?

[MMMommy]

I would try to go to the shower if possible, as she is your best friend from college. If it just isn't workable because of the logistics of it all, then I would still send a nice gift from her registry. She's 46 and has tried a long time for this baby. As for the high quality/high cost registry items, I wouldn't fault her for that either. It sounds like they have wanted this baby a long time, so naturally they would want to spoil the baby with the finest. It may not be necessary or practical to have these items, but it makes sense that they want to pamper their baby and themselves after trying for so long to have this baby.

[sunnyside]

I would try to go to the shower if possible, as she is your best friend from college. If it just isn't workable because of the logistics of it all, then I would still send a nice gift from her registry. She's 46 and has tried a long time for this baby. As for the high quality/high cost registry items, I wouldn't fault her for that either. It sounds like they have wanted this baby a long time, so naturally they would want to spoil the baby with the finest. It may not be necessary or practical to have these items, but it makes sense that they want to pamper their baby and themselves after trying for so long to have this baby.

This is how I feel too. I can't imagine tryign that long. I'm sure it would mean a lot if you can swing getting there. I don't think you should feel obligated to purchase from the registry, if there isn't anything within your budget! I tend to make my own gift. Usually a basket of some type with lots of little tried and true items inside and a book.

[klwa]

Hmm. If you know a good number of people will be there for her at the shower, I wouldn't worry about having to miss it. Life happens & everybody can't be at everything. However, if you go that route, I'd call her & invite her (your treat) for a coffee date, and bring the gift to that.

I know several friends of mine who I love dearly weren't able to come to my shower. But they were there FOR me during the pregnancy and afterwards. That mattered more than a single day.

The only reason I'd work towards going is if you know that there won't be many people at the shower. Just so she doesn't feel unappreciated on that day.

[KpbS]

Try to put your feelings aside (about the registry and her not reaching out) and go with a gift that is within your means. Having this baby will likely rock her world (even though it is very much wanted) and you may not see her for a long time.
Like pp mentioned, I like to give some favorites of mine for babies--favorite books, crib shoes, bibs, etc. Recruit the grandmas to shuttle DS and don't worry about the lag time. They can kill some time shopping or at a local library.

[westwoodmom04]

I think it is very possible she pulled back from your friendship because she found your children a painful remainder of her infertility. It is often very difficult for women struggling with infertility to be around people with babies or young children, and the fact that you are the same age and the length of her struggle may have made it particularly hard for her.

Now that she is pregnant, there may be an opportunity for the friendship to grow stronger. I would try to go to the shower, and buy her whatever present you find appropriate—it doesn’t need to be off the registry.

[TwinFoxes]

If it were me, I'd go. But, I can't imagine your feelings about her choices in life are new and limited to her shower list, or that she hasn't noticed...maybe that's why she stopped extending invitations? Just consider it...people often pick up on judginess aimed at them. If you can't go and be an enthusiastic friend and party guest, send her a nice gift (doesn't have to be from the registry) and card

I will say, I don't find it odd that someone who's had fertility problems and knows this baby will most likely be her only chance at motherhood to register for every top-of-the-line item she can find. It may not be logical, but it's not surprising.

[BunnyBee]

If you could go, I would go. But you lost me at your DH with a broken leg Ubering multiple places to get kids to activities. Send your regrets and invite her to an in between location to meet up to visit and give her a gift. Get something you personally found useful if it’s not on her registry.

[Philly Mom]

If you could go, I would go. But you lost me at your DH with a broken leg Ubering multiple places to get kids to activities. Send your regrets and invite her to an in between location to meet up to visit and give her a gift. Get something you personally found useful if it’s not on her registry.

Yes. I agree with this. With your DH I think i would send regrets and ask if you can sprinkle her separately. I have bought friends gifts of things i thought were useful like a rock n play or a carrier I loved.


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[*myfoursons]

I’m very confused by your post. If my best friend from college struggled with infertility for so long and is finally, joyously, having a baby, I would fly across the country for her baby shower. I would happily buy her whatever she wanted to celebrate the arrival of her baby (as long as I could afford it). Gold-plated diaper genie? Sounds good. Wrap it up.

The fact that you’re considering skipping her shower in light of a kids’ sports activity is crazy to me. Ask a friend to help carpool. Ask one the grandparents who you are lucky to have nearby. You have options, and if you don’t go I would call it a wrap on this friendship. It sounds like you are judging her and her husband. Maybe she knows you do and that is why she’s backed away from your friendship.

[WitMom]

Any way to attend part of it? Have your husband do the uber thing for the first activity while you go to the shower, and after making an appearance at the shower, leave for your son's activities.

Or split the duties between your husband, mom and MIL. Nothing says one person has to be on point for everything.

[DualvansMommy]

A girlfriend of mine got pregnant with her DD when she was 44, same time as my pregnancy with DS1. For me, I knew it was a long struggle with fertility and previous stillborn loss in my friends journey, and was invited to her baby shower. But I couldn’t go as I was out of the country, so just send her a gift and took her out to dinner on our own as a pan intimate baby celebration.

I don’t find those gifts an issue, it’s actually pretty common to see around here in older FTM. They have better financial security by then, more time to devote to things and new baby, who am I to begrudge their joy. May not be MY idea but it isn’t my place to say so. Agree with pp that your “best friend” may have felt the judgement from you. If WE can read/feel that from your posting as near strangers, then it wouldn’t surprise me your friend may have felt it since she knows you.


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[Octobermommy]

Go, go , go. This is your best friend from college. Make the effort, this isn’t about you, it’s about celebrating her & what I can only assume is a long awaited baby.

You’ve come up with a plan & have two moms that can help out if needed. Maybe it can be a tag team effort. Honestly it just sounds like you just don’t want to go.

[Mommy_Mea]

The introvert me totally knows where you're coming from, but I also know I've been in the situation and not gone, and feel guilt and remorse for not going long after. When I have gone to things like this, I never regret it. So I would definitely recommend going.

[vonfirmath]

I would send a gift and arrange to get together with her another time. Those logistics seem insane for that day.

[AnnieW625]

I would go as babies are meant to be celebrated. She is 46 so this has to be a miracle baby. You have family near you take them for granted. Don’t worry about what she registered for. Get her a Primo Euro Tub as the thing is huge and will last a long time, like almost a year old. I had the original Uppa Baby Vista (I bought from Craigslist when I was pregnant with Baby 2) and it was a great stroller. It could’ve been my only stroller had I bought it when Dd1 was an infant. I also have TrippTrapp that was great from 16 months on or so (and we used until Dd2 was 5), but at least now I think this make a tray for it.....my table was a mess when I tried with Dd2 at an earlier age.


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[*myfoursons]

I would send a gift and arrange to get together with her another time. Those logistics seem insane for that day.

I’m uncertain as to how getting one child to two activities is insane. That sounds like a spa day for me.

[Zukini]

I would recommend to attend the shower. This is a huge milestone for her and her family, and not showing up when the logistics to do so is annoying to plan, but totally doable with enough notice would be unkind imho. I completely understand being resentful of the fact that she never initiates socializing and spending time with you. So even without promise of some sort of rehabilitated relationship going forward, I would attend just to honor the relationship that you had in the past and celebrate this event with her.

An hour or so waiting nearby on a grandchild’s activity to finish isn’t the worst thing in the world. I would advise grandparents up front to bring a book or an iPad and point out the closest Starbucks or Panera, or grocery store or shopping plaza if a shopping trip / errand can be squeezed in during that time.

Re the expensive stuff, I can say as a confirmed baby gear junkie that short of her crying poverty at paying her basic bills, I would select something within my budget that I thought was useful and cheerfully send it. I am that woman that obsessed over Bugaboos from the moment Miranda pushed that Frog with baby Brady on SATC a decade and a half ago. It took almost 15 years to get one of my own, and I saved profusely for it. No, literally, we had a baby fund stashed and I got everything I ever wanted when my son arrived multiple miscariages and procedures and a crazy pregnancy / delivery later. Maybe she’s been modestly saving all those years of deferred childcare and activity payments and has a nice little stash to get what she wants. Maybe they’ve got a healthy emergency fund and the impending job loss is not super stressful. So yeah, unless they’re asking for actual help to pay bills vs just venting, I don’t see the issue. ( I will also add that as almost 40 something parents that I was very conscious of my existing home decor and furnishings, and the well designed and almost unintrusive Nuna playyard and Stokke Trip Trapp fit in very well with mine and DH sensibilities. There was no Fisher Price in sight for years until toddlerhood arrived and other folks gave us birthday and holiday gifts. So please don’t judge. This is just a reality of being 46 when your first kid arrives). I can also add that I remember every gift we received and the giver, even if it was the $25 adaptor for that ridiculous stroller. It’s the thought and consideration that matters :)

Finally, if it absolutely can’t work because you’re not feeling like you can genuinely participate (perfectly valid if the hurt is poignant over the life of your friendship, only you can tell) and/or logistics is entirely unworkable - then I’d call her directly and decline. But I would, in consolation, offer some one-on-one time to help her out with prepping the nursery or meal prep or something before the baby arrives. If she is interested then she will let you know, ball’s in her court, and if it does happen, then maybe the one on one time will help spur some insights on where your friendship stands (yes, infertility can make us sad, bitter and withdraw, and it’s exceedingly difficult to find points of connection when a friend is happily immersed in a completely different phase of life) and if there is a path forward. Hugs to you, and I hope you figure it out.

[baymom]

I'm a real introvert, so I definitely understand where you are coming from. I make excuses for skipping book club meetings and GNO with friends I really love and all kinds of events, just because it feels so exhausting to me. Occasionally, I actually *do* skip things, but I also know that once I actually arrive at my destination, I almost always have a good time. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And you will, too.

With that said, I think it's important to always show up for the big things...and a baby shower is a big thing for a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for so long. Sure it'll feel complicated with your hectic weekend schedule that day and your friendship isn't what it once was, but I doubt you'll regret it. Honestly, I think you should really make it happen. Take whatever gift feels manageable to your budget, but it's your presence that will mean the most to your friend anyway.

[pharmjenn]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I had my own fertility problems, and she is aware of them, which happened before she married 8 years ago. I will work with my MIL to get DS to his activities and go to the shower. This friend posted her entire first round of IVF on facebook, then went silent when it did not take. I felt bad for her at that point, but knew from her first post that it was not a smart course to publicize. She has always been generous with her gifts for DS, and I can afford the items on her registry, just would never purchase them for myself, but I need to get over that. I like the idea of the Tripptrapp so will probably get that, as it has great longevity.

[TwinFoxes]

This friend posted her entire first round of IVF on facebook, then went silent when it did not take. I felt bad for her at that point, but knew from her first post that it was not a smart course to publicize.

I'm not sure why this is important.

[BDKmom]

This may be a friendship that isn't as important or meaningful to you now as it once was, but I think you are making the right choice by going. I like what a PP said about honoring the friendship of the past, even if it isn't the same going forward. It's a big deal for her, and it think it will mean a lot for her to have you there to celebrate, since you have been friends for so long.

As far as the introvert part, I can totally relate. Find a comfy corner and give yourself permission not to force the socialization. If you are anything like me, the thought if it all is more overwhelming than the actual doing. Make an appearance, but when you are done, go. Don't feel like you have to hang to the bitter end. If needed, use the pick up of your DS as an excuse to leave early.

[bisous]

I say go. Even if you DC has to miss activities because I think BFF's baby showers trump the usual kid activity. And it sounds like you don't even have to necessarily skip them, but just know that even if you did, that would still be ok. I think giving your friend a giant gift isn't necessary. She might be registered for things that she doesn't intend to have anyone buy her--but rather so she can get them at a discount when she goes to purchase. Would it make you feel better to bring a basket full of your favorite stuff? Ot some baby products that you just love? Then it will feel more genuine and you might enjoy it more.

[California]

This friend posted her entire first round of IVF on facebook, then went silent when it did not take. I felt bad for her at that point, but knew from her first post that it was not a smart course to publicize.

Smart course? As someone who dealt with infertility yourself, you may have encountered the social pressure that is put on women to hide their grief over infertility. Maybe she got loving support she would have otherwise missed if she'd stayed silent. This statement, I'm sure unintentionally, supports the stigma- as if she did something wrong ("not a smart course") by sharing her journey.

[magnoliaparadise]

I really feel for your friend. She sounds incredible. If she were my friend, I would be jumping for joy and getting ready to see her, by hook or crook or plane, train, automobile to meet her baby and hug her.

I did a lot of infertility - 5 IVFs - one in which they transferred 8 5-day 'blastyses (sp?) embryos and I didn't get pregnant, 1 additional transfer of an extra embryo, and many medicated inseminations, etc etc. I had 4 miscarriages (plus another 4 or 5 'chemical pregnancies'). Having experienced infertility, I think your friend is a super star. It is SO HARD to go through infertility treatment and the fact that she finally found a way to get her baby is amazing. I think you should go and show up for her.

I had several friends whom I really (really) went out of my way to support when they got pregnant (without trying) (and then again and again and again) and showed my happiness for them every time I saw one of the countless FB ultrasounds, went to every baby shower, visited and held their babies, bought presents for every birthday and holiday, did the one hour drive to see them because I knew that they would not be able to make the drive to me when they had their kids. When I had my kids, their kids were older, but two of my friends (separately - they didn't know each other) didn't show up for me or even drive to see me or call to see how I was doing. It really hurt. I have come to peace with it because it was a long time ago, but I still don't really get it. They were close friends and there was no 'issue' that ever arose, at least that I saw or learned of. Of the two, one friend came back to my life and we are still friends, but less close. Another drifted away.

As far as her gift list - I think you are getting a little bit lost in the trees. The fact that someone has an expensive gift list is not a reason to decline an invitation. If you love her, spend as much money as you feel comfortable. If that isn't much, a gift card to a baby store or even just a heartfelt card is more than enough.

As far as commenting on her FB feed of whether or not she was successful with IVF... I don't understand why that is your focus. She is your friend. If you haven't gone through infertility, or went through just a little bit or a lot, but less than your friend, consider yourself lucky. It sucks. It is traumatizing. It's isolating. It is a deep dark hole and you don't know how far you will drop and what the ending will bring. It tears apart all sorts of relationships in your life.

Infertility is one of the most painful experiences that people don't talk about. I can't tell you the number of times I cried holding that negative pregnancy test or getting my hopes up with good blood reports from the Dr only to hear that I lost the pregnancy. And how my life became narrowly focused on my period and medications and when I could try again. Years of month after month crying. Or I would brace myself not to cry when countless coworkers announced their pregnancy (and I was happy for them, just extremely sad for me) or how envious I was seeing those bellies everywhere that I wanted so badly. And how the miscarriages made me distrust the pregnancies that ended up giving a 'live birth' (as doctors say). I wasn't the beaming pregnant woman I wanted to be because I was so worried from prior losses that I would lose my pregnancy.

If your friend went silent, that's her business. It does not matter what you or I or anyone thinks of whether it was right to publicize it. Maybe it means that she was in deep pain. Do not judge her for her choices. It could have been you or any of your other friends just as easily who had to wait until 46 to have her first (and most likely only) child. She wasn't lucky and others are. That's all it comes down to sadly. And I agree - there is a horrible stigma. She has been through a lot whether she has shared with you or not.

You can be there now. If you choose not to go, and you really want to continue the friendship, I really hope you call her, visit her, or send her a card and show you care and are so happy for her. If you love her, have any nostalgia for your college friendship, or want to be in her life in the future, now is the time to show her how important she is to you and how happy that you are for her.

[MMMommy]

I really feel for your friend. She sounds incredible. If she were my friend, I would be jumping for joy and getting ready to see her, by hook or crook or plane, train, automobile to meet her baby and hug her.

I did a lot of infertility - 5 IVFs - one in which they transferred 8 5-day 'blastyses (sp?) embryos and I didn't get pregnant, 1 additional transfer of an extra embryo, and many medicated inseminations, etc etc. I had 4 miscarriages (plus another 4 or 5 'chemical pregnancies'). Having experienced infertility, I think your friend is a super star. It is SO HARD to go through infertility treatment and the fact that she finally found a way to get her baby is amazing. I think you should go and show up for her.

I had several friends whom I really (really) went out of my way to support when they got pregnant (without trying) (and then again and again and again) and showed my happiness for them every time I saw one of the countless FB ultrasounds, went to every baby shower, visited and held their babies, bought presents for every birthday and holiday, did the one hour drive to see them because I knew that they would not be able to make the drive to me when they had their kids. When I had my kids, their kids were older, but two of my friends (separately - they didn't know each other) didn't show up for me or even drive to see me or call to see how I was doing. It really hurt. I have come to peace with it because it was a long time ago, but I still don't really get it. They were close friends and there was no 'issue' that ever arose, at least that I saw or learned of. Of the two, one friend came back to my life and we are still friends, but less close. Another drifted away.

As far as her gift list - I think you are getting a little bit lost in the trees. The fact that someone has an expensive gift list is not a reason to decline an invitation. If you love her, spend as much money as you feel comfortable. If that isn't much, a gift card to a baby store or even just a heartfelt card is more than enough.

As far as commenting on her FB feed of whether or not she was successful with IVF... I don't understand why that is your focus. She is your friend. If you haven't gone through infertility, or went through just a little bit or a lot, but less than your friend, consider yourself lucky. It sucks. It is traumatizing. It's isolating. It is a deep dark hole and you don't know how far you will drop and what the ending will bring. It tears apart all sorts of relationships in your life.

Infertility is one of the most painful experiences that people don't talk about. I can't tell you the number of times I cried holding that negative pregnancy test or getting my hopes up with good blood reports from the Dr only to hear that I lost the pregnancy. And how my life became narrowly focused on my period and medications and when I could try again. Years of month after month crying. Or I would brace myself not to cry when countless coworkers announced their pregnancy (and I was happy for them, just extremely sad for me) or how envious I was seeing those bellies everywhere that I wanted so badly. And how the miscarriages made me distrust the pregnancies that ended up giving a 'live birth' (as doctors say). I wasn't the beaming pregnant woman I wanted to be because I was so worried from prior losses that I would lose my pregnancy.

If your friend went silent, that's her business. It does not matter what you or I or anyone thinks of whether it was right to publicize it. Maybe it means that she was in deep pain. Do not judge her for her choices. It could have been you or any of your other friends just as easily who had to wait until 46 to have her first (and most likely only) child. She wasn't lucky and others are. That's all it comes down to sadly. And I agree - there is a horrible stigma. She has been through a lot whether she has shared with you or not.

You can be there now. If you choose not to go, and you really want to continue the friendship, I really hope you call her, visit her, or send her a card and show you care and are so happy for her. If you love her, have any nostalgia for your college friendship, or want to be in her life in the future, now is the time to show her how important she is to you and how happy that you are for her.

Thank you for sharing this. This really touched me. I'm so sorry for all the pain you have been through.