Helping 9 year old learn responsibility

[Pear]

This is a challenge for my Dd and our efforts so far have failed. She is struggling with things like keeping track of her school work and keeping her desk organized at school. We send her to get ready for bed and remind her clothes go in the hamper. Sure enough, the clothes end up on the floor. She knows to hang up her towel after her shower. Whether we remind her or not, we find the wet towel half stuffed under her bed. I tell her to put her homework in her backpack and put her pencil away and a few minutes later I find the pencil under the kitchen table and the homework half sticking out of the backpack.

Dd is advanced academically, incredibly stubborn, and prone to defensiveness when corrected.

I’ve seen her friends and even though there is likely a situation of them being on their best behavior because they are guests, she is light years behind them in responsibility.

[magnoliaparadise]

No advice, sigh, but following and can relate.

[Reyadawnbringer]

No advice, sigh, but following and can relate.This is where I'm at too. Following for sure :(

DS1 - 9!
DS2- Expected 07/18

[TwinFoxes]

Is ADHD a possibility?

[Pear]

I have wondered, but if it is, it is mild.

She is also heavily medicated for asthma and allergies so any additional meds would be a last resort.

[carolinacool]

Gosh. This is my 8-year-old DS down to a T. He does struggle with focus at school, so based on a combo of all it, we recently had him evaluated and it came back with an ADD diagnosis.

It is frustrating because I have to remind him to do these things every.single.day.

[MSWR0319]

I have wondered, but if it is, it is mild.

She is also heavily medicated for asthma and allergies so any additional meds would be a last resort.

This is my 9 year old to a T.

We had him tested last year for ADD and they told me no way. They saw no signs of it in the testing. Instead he's super intelligent and was bored at school apparently. Which still doesn't explain the issues you listed. So I'm hoping it's just his age.

[123LuckyMom]

I don’t think this is unusual, frankly. In our household, we have routines— many routines! On Friday, which is when homework comes home, DS goes through his folder and decides when each thing will get done. (I remind him.) All homework gets put in order on his desk with everything he needs for each project (pencil, drawing materials, any containers for experiments, etc.) I “help” by sitting there until that phase is complete. Then it is up to him to do the homework as planned. I remind him each night. We also have a rule that each night laundry goes in the laundry basket, and his room gets tidied. I will often sit there and “help” with my presence so he doesn’t get distracted. It’s part of our bedtime routine. If he had trouble with choosing clothes, we’d do that at night, too. I’m a big proponent of get-off-your-butt-parenting, (http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id23.html) which means you don’t just use your voice. Sometimes kids need more parental involvement than that. If your DD is continually failing to complete tasks, she may need help to stay on task and know that you mean business. If you set up a plan with her on how she could better complete these tasks and if and how you can help and then follow the plan consistently, she’ll develop the habits she needs. Figure out together how she can be more successful, and help if she needs it. That’ll be far less frustrating for both of you, I bet!


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[TwinFoxes]

I have wondered, but if it is, it is mild.

She is also heavily medicated for asthma and allergies so any additional meds would be a last resort.

There are other strategies to try other than meds. Have you asked her what you can do to help her solve these problems. It's surprising to me whenever I ask my kids that question what they come up with. Some of the answers are impossible (get rid of the reading computers in the classroom because DD wanted to look at the computer when it was not her computer time) but some of them are actually helpful (put backpacks upstairs in our house rather than down.) I have two 9 y/o DDs dealing with this issue, so I feel your pain. :) It's a difficult balance...helping them to stay on task without hovering over them as you would a kindergartner.

[maestramommy]

4th grade?

Yeah DD1 was like this. Seemed to be super organized, but things started falling apart around 4th grade, which made the transition to middle school (5th) soooooooo hard. It takes time and tons of reminding, with natural consequences when she doesn't follow through.

[Pear]

I took the advice and asked Dd how we could stop arguing about the state of her bedroom. She had an answer immediately. She wants Alexa to be the thing that reminds her to put on her pjs and put her clothes in the hamper. We tried it last night and she completed the task without struggle. It isn’t a perfect solution because our schedule isn’t the same every single night so it is hard to pick a time to have Alexa issue the reminder, but we are going to give it a try.

After we do this for a bit, I’ll ask her to suggest how to tackle the homework/backpack issue.

[wendibird22]

I took the advice and asked Dd how we could stop arguing about the state of her bedroom. She had an answer immediately. She wants Alexa to be the thing that reminds her to put on her pjs and put her clothes in the hamper. We tried it last night and she completed the task without struggle. It isn’t a perfect solution because our schedule isn’t the same every single night so it is hard to pick a time to have Alexa issue the reminder, but we are going to give it a try.

After we do this for a bit, I’ll ask her to suggest how to tackle the homework/backpack issue.

Hmmm...wonder if you could set it up as a Routine that would happen when she says "Good night Alexa" that way it's not tied to a specific time but a specific command? And I may try this too. My 10yr old DD is the exact same. She's super super bright and does very well at school. Homework is completed on time, she does well on tests, model student. But her locker, backpack, and bedroom are a disaster, and her wet towel is on the floor every morning. This past week she claimed she couldn't find her Columbia fleece and looked everywhere for it. I found it in 5 seconds, from the doorway of her room I could see it shoved under her dresser. She's a total hot mess but you wouldn't know it!

[Dream]

This is a challenge for my Dd and our efforts so far have failed. She is struggling with things like keeping track of her school work and keeping her desk organized at school. We send her to get ready for bed and remind her clothes go in the hamper. Sure enough, the clothes end up on the floor. She knows to hang up her towel after her shower. Whether we remind her or not, we find the wet towel half stuffed under her bed. I tell her to put her homework in her backpack and put her pencil away and a few minutes later I find the pencil under the kitchen table and the homework half sticking out of the backpack.

Dd is advanced academically, incredibly stubborn, and prone to defensiveness when corrected.

I’ve seen her friends and even though there is likely a situation of them being on their best behavior because they are guests, she is light years behind them in responsibility.

No advice but my 9 year old is exactly like you described. Following.

[Tenasparkl]

My 10yr old DD is the exact same. She's super super bright and does very well at school. Homework is completed on time, she does well on tests, model student. But her locker, backpack, and bedroom are a disaster, and her wet towel is on the floor every morning. This past week she claimed she couldn't find her Columbia fleece and looked everywhere for it. I found it in 5 seconds, from the doorway of her room I could see it shoved under her dresser. She's a total hot mess but you wouldn't know it!

This is my 9.5 year old DD too! The wet towels on the floor make me crazy!

[robinsmommy]

I think using Alexa is a great idea for her. It makes it less personal. Sounds like typical behavior, I would try to focus on consistency so the habits eventually get set toward the good.....and yes, asking kids for solutions can be great, and a good life skill - identify the problem and come up with a solution.

Um, and at that age thru most of junior high, I was the *perfect* guest and a complete and total brat at home. I guess it means she feels supported and safe if you see the worst of her? I think that's what my parents had to keep muttering to themselves!