Carpooling: help me say "this won't work"

[daisyd]

I had someone request that their child carpool to an afterschool activity once/twice a week with DS1. I have 5 yr old DS2 with me and I'm usually rushing to get home after for bedtime (sometimes even dinner after yikes!). We get home by 7:35 pm after the activity and dropping this child off would add 10 minutes to our commute. Our days are crazy enough without this additional commitment. Also, our 2 days a week doing this activity changes from week to week and I dread having to coordinate. This other mom is super-nice and is offering to pitch in of course, but it doesn't really help me/DS. I have a hard time saying no, and I like this mom, so I've agreed to do it once. I need to say that this won't work on a regular basis. Please help!

[twowhat?]

Oh no!!! You gotta say no, and the sooner the better! Just tell her it won't work with your family's schedule, end of story!

[daisyd]

Thanks for weighing in. I've been feeling like a jerk for even contemplating disappointing this mom :(

[Kindra178]

But would the other mom take there? Or drive sometimes?


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[trcy]

Oh no!!! You gotta say no, and the sooner the better! Just tell her it won't work with your family's schedule, end of story!

ITA. Years ago I was in a similar situation. I wish I would have said no sooner. Good luck!


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[chlobo]

Any chance you could swing a deal where you drop off and she picks up or are the kids too young for that?

[twowhat?]

You're absolutely NOT a jerk! You have a younger child with an earlier bedtime. 10 min out of the way is a long time when you are normally already scrambling in the evenings. You can blame it on your younger child if you feel like you have to explain, which you absolutely do NOT have to explain but I know it can make you feel better about it. "DS2 has an XX bedtime and is a mess when he doesn't get enough sleep and it just won't work for us to lose that extra time in the evenings." If she offers to pitch in to alleviate this, just tell her it won't work and make a joke about how you're all orchids and your family schedule and routine is fragile and that you hope you can be more flexible in the future. I know what you mean about the pain of having to coordinate even if she pitches in...it's all just extra STUFF to have to think about and plan around. It's absolutely easier sometimes to worry only about yourself, and you should never feel selfish about that!

[daisyd]

I tried to get her to pick up today. But she has a meeting, so no go. She also has another child (14 yr old) whose activities conflict.

I'm sure she'll pitch in, but it doesn't really solve any problems for me. So far, if I have to skip this activity because it doesnt work I've just skipped it some weeks. I'll be more hesitant to do that if another family depended on my going.

The kids are 10 (my DC) and 12 (her DC) so that's not an issue. It's more that I'm having my 5 yr old tag along which is the issue

[daisyd]

You're absolutely NOT a jerk! You have a younger child with an earlier bedtime. 10 min out of the way is a long time when you are normally already scrambling in the evenings. You can blame it on your younger child if you feel like you have to explain, which you absolutely do NOT have to explain but I know it can make you feel better about it. "DS2 has an XX bedtime and is a mess when he doesn't get enough sleep and it just won't work for us to lose that extra time in the evenings." If she offers to pitch in to alleviate this, just tell her it won't work and make a joke about how you're all orchids and your family schedule and routine is fragile and that you hope you can be more flexible in the future. I know what you mean about the pain of having to coordinate even if she pitches in...it's all just extra STUFF to have to think about and plan around. It's absolutely easier sometimes to worry only about yourself, and you should never feel selfish about that!

Thank you! You totally got my concerns. I'm feeling better already

And, coincidentally, we totally are orchids LOL.

[hillview]

I'd just say that after reviewing the schedule it just won't work for you right now and that you wished it did but it just totally doesn't.

[twowhat?]

Thank you! You totally got my concerns. I'm feeling better already

And, coincidentally, we totally are orchids LOL.

We are orchids too :) We're better now that my kids are a little older but when they were 5 we were still absolutely slaves to the evening schedule and bedtime routine. Our kids are TERRIBLE without enough sleep so bedtime was completely not negotiable! With twins it's so much easier now since they're older and still on the same schedule with the same activities so whenever I see my friends with different-aged siblings struggling to juggle the older child's and younger child's routines, I'm so glad I don't have to, LOL!

[firstbaby]

"Gosh, I would really love to help but my younger DC falls apart if we push their bedtime so I can't add in an extra stop after the activity."

[bisous]

I'd just say that after reviewing the schedule it just won't work for you right now and that you wished it did but it just totally doesn't.

I'd say it almost exactly like this. It's totally true and totally straightforward.

[TwinFoxes]

"Gosh, I would really love to help but my younger DC falls apart if we push their bedtime so I can't add in an extra stop after the activity."

This is what I'd say, because it's the truth, right? Don't feel guilty, if the mom is as nice as you say she'll understand. But, you've gotta just say no, and do it soon, because the longer you wait, the guiltier you'll feel.

[JustMe]

You've gotten some great advice, so I just also wanted to agree with the idea that if the other mom truly is a nice person she will understand and not be mad. I have more than once asked another family to do something like this and sometimes get a yes and sometimes a no. I completely fine with a no and try to make that very clear; I would not want someone doing this if it would be inconvenient or they would resent it...but I also want to be able to ask just in case its not.

[daisyd]

"Gosh, I would really love to help but my younger DC falls apart if we push their bedtime so I can't add in an extra stop after the activity."

Thanks, I worked up courage and said exactly this. And it worked!

[daisyd]

You've gotten some great advice, so I just also wanted to agree with the idea that if the other mom truly is a nice person she will understand and not be mad. I have more than once asked another family to do something like this and sometimes get a yes and sometimes a no. I completely fine with a no and try to make that very clear; I would not want someone doing this if it would be inconvenient or they would resent it...but I also want to be able to ask just in case its not.

Thanks for posting. She was super nice about it.

I guess I find it so very hard to say no, that I dreaded doing it.

[daisyd]

Thanks all for your help!

[niccig]

Glad it worked out. I find it best to say no without giving a specific reason, I like the “it doesn’t fit our schedule”, as I’ve had a few people challenge the reason.


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[trcy]

Thanks for posting. She was super nice about it.

I guess I find it so very hard to say no, that I dreaded doing it.

I am the same way. Glad it worked out.


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[daisyd]

I am the same way. Glad it worked out.


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Thanks. Hugs.

[niccig]

Thanks for posting. She was super nice about it.

I guess I find it so very hard to say no, that I dreaded doing it.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. I used to always say yes, twisted myself into knots to make it work. I realized that I can try to help when I can, but if I can’t, it’s OK to say no.


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[daisyd]

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. I used to always say yes, twisted myself into knots to make it work. I realized that I can try to help when I can, but if I can’t, it’s OK to say no.


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This is what I'm working on. I always used to say yes and twisted myself into knots to make it work. Then I'd see how it was hard on me as a kid and young adult. Then I saw how it was hard on DH and the kids. That's when I started realizing things need to change.

It's hard work but I'm making progress.

Thanks to everyone for understanding and being so supportive. That has helped tremendously.

[magnoliaparadise]

I was in a carpooling situation that didn't work - my kid and the other kid were fighting and the other kid lived far enough away that getting the kid home added a lot of time to our drive, undermining the help that the other family could provide when they took my kid and saved me time from driving. I eventually stopped in the middle of a session of activity (it was not weekly or regular, which helped) and just said that I was really really sorry, but that my DD1 needed some alone time with me and our lives were so crazy right then that the car ride was the only real time we got to be with each other and talk alone. This was true. The mom was great and completely understood. We are still friends.

I recently asked (somewhat desperately) another mom to carpool with me for my DD2 - I said that we could split evenly, staggering a weekly class every other week. I mentioned that it made sense because we are only a couple blocks away and that because of a conflict I have, it would help a huge amount in DD2 doing the class (which was relevant since her DD was the one who wanted my DD to join the class so they could spend more time together). The mom was lovely, but declined - said that she was really sorry, but that she and her kids were notoriously unreliable and she didn't want to take on anything else - but that she would take my kid if she could in a pinch.

Although I was surprised that she couldn't carpool and disappointed in the 'argh, another problem to put on my to do list and rectify!' kind of way, I thought that the way she declined was really cool (and I totally get it). I have no hard feelings for her at all. I will find a way for us to still do the class (possibly by hiring a driver sometimes, I don't know), but even if I had to have DD2 drop out of it because I can't get her to that class, I have no ill feeling toward this mom at all - people are busy and have their own reasons and sometimes they just can't do something or help out. We are all just trying to muck through :) :) :) :)

[niccig]

This is what I'm working on. I always used to say yes and twisted myself into knots to make it work. Then I'd see how it was hard on me as a kid and young adult. Then I saw how it was hard on DH and the kids. That's when I started realizing things need to change.

It's hard work but I'm making progress.

Thanks to everyone for understanding and being so supportive. That has helped tremendously.

I get it. I got a text from a friend yesterday after school asking if I was taking DS to tutoring center, could I also take her 2 boys. I had planned to go other days this week. I did consider how I could change my afternoon around so we could carpool, but it wouldn’t work out because of other things later in the week. So I was honest and said we’re not going, but told her the days we will go if that helps.

I think it helps to stop and think before replying. Easier on text. In person I need to try the “let me get back to you after I check my schedule”.


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[daisyd]

I was in a carpooling situation that didn't work - my kid and the other kid were fighting and the other kid lived far enough away that getting the kid home added a lot of time to our drive, undermining the help that the other family could provide when they took my kid and saved me time from driving. I eventually stopped in the middle of a session of activity (it was not weekly or regular, which helped) and just said that I was really really sorry, but that my DD1 needed some alone time with me and our lives were so crazy right then that the car ride was the only real time we got to be with each other and talk alone. This was true. The mom was great and completely understood. We are still friends.

I recently asked (somewhat desperately) another mom to carpool with me for my DD2 - I said that we could split evenly, staggering a weekly class every other week. I mentioned that it made sense because we are only a couple blocks away and that because of a conflict I have, it would help a huge amount in DD2 doing the class (which was relevant since her DD was the one who wanted my DD to join the class so they could spend more time together). The mom was lovely, but declined - said that she was really sorry, but that she and her kids were notoriously unreliable and she didn't want to take on anything else - but that she would take my kid if she could in a pinch.

Although I was surprised that she couldn't carpool and disappointed in the 'argh, another problem to put on my to do list and rectify!' kind of way, I thought that the way she declined was really cool (and I totally get it). I have no hard feelings for her at all. I will find a way for us to still do the class (possibly by hiring a driver sometimes, I don't know), but even if I had to have DD2 drop out of it because I can't get her to that class, I have no ill feeling toward this mom at all - people are busy and have their own reasons and sometimes they just can't do something or help out. We are all just trying to muck through :) :) :) :)

Thanks for sharing. For us too car time is our alone time when I get to catch up with kids. Very often DS1 is getting dinner in the car on the way to the activity or back. All this would have been disrupted quite a bit.

It's good to know that it's okay to say no without ruffling feathers.

[daisyd]

I think it helps to stop and think before replying. Easier on text. In person I need to try the “let me get back to you after I check my schedule”.


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This resonates with me. I'm going to do this more consistently.

Thanks for posting.