Updated- how do we respond?—- How should I read this situation?

[gatorsmom]

I’m not sure how to read this situation and I could use some outside perspective. The back history is this: our school is growing and a building they usually rent is now for sale. It needs extensive repairs. My Dh and I have donated a large sum of money to this school in the past. We have hinted that we would be willing to help in the future but we've never been specific how or how much. Dh usually does the talking about money. He’s brilliant with making money. And it’s true he is much more outgoing than I am. But I’m also very active with volunteering at school and I’ve been outspoken in the past about things at the school that needed attention and they don’t always appreciate when a parent speaks out.

Recently we met with the founder of the school and the principal to talk about the possibility of our son going to high school there and what they were willing to do to prepare him. We made it clear we are still supporters of the school. Dh and I volunteer at school equally and I’ll be helping chaperone a class trip soon. Dh got a sort of cryptic email recently asking when he would like to meet with the other founder of the school. Dh emailed them back asking what the meeting was supposed to be about and they said about the new building. Dh said I should plan to meet with them, that he doesn’t need to. So I sent an email to the secretary letting her know I would be attending in Dh’s place and what days I am available. The secretary said she would get back to me about that and an hour later Dh gets this email which I wasnt copied on

“Dear Joe,,

I saw Gatorsmom’s note that she would be willing to meet with the founders and school principal in your place. Please extend our thanks, but I would like to explain a little better the meeting content as only you would need to attend.

You have expressed to our founders your willingness to help the school. With that said, we currently have an offer to purchase on the table for the Additional Building. Because this is a large purchase price, the ladies thought that perhaps our families can help the school in fundraising money for this purchase. Along with the purchase of the building, there are other expenses that will be incurred once we own the building: i.e., it needs a new roof badly ($100,000), the bathrooms need to be updated and right now we are using one boiler to heat the building … there should be three, with each boiler costing about $10,000 each.

The founders wanted to speak to you privately to see if the fundraising idea is something you might be interested in leading. Sometimes it is better to hear from a parent/family in these matters.

Just let me know and we can set up the meeting at a time that is convenient to you.

Kate (Founders’ Sister)
That was the email they sent Dh. I thought it was pretty clear that they are going to ask us for money. I didn’t think it was clear why they didn’t want me involved in the meeting. Quite honestly, I’m a little insulted that they didn’t bother to respond to my email to set up the meeting but instead email Dh directly to let him know they aren’t interested in meeting with me. Maybe I’m particularly sensitive because I alway get the impression that they avoid me and don’t like me. Dh is charming and obsequious so they adore him. Usually I play the bad cop and allow Dh to play good cop when negotiating matters because he seeks approval and attention whereas I don’t need it like he does. I DO want to be recognized as part of this couple they are going to hit up for money and fundraising efforts, though.

Am I misreading the situation? Would you find that email insulting?

[Pear]

Yes you are misreading. They aren’t just asking for money. They are asking him to lead the fundraising campaign. Very different.

I would be offended if they felt they needed to ask the man for a donation. This is different.

[JBaxter]

Personally I would find it HIGHLY insulting. Sounds like you are the lowly female who wouldn't be able to make such difficult financial decisions.

[MMMommy]

My interpretation is that they want DH to head up the fundraising campaigns for the building. You mentioned they adore him and his personal charm, so perhaps they see him as being the right figurehead for the fundraising efforts. And since he's who they want to run the campaign, they want him at the meeting instead of having to run the ideas and info through you. That is just how I am reading their email. If you want to share the fundraising duties equally, then I would make sure to be at the meeting with DH and make it clear that you will be handling responsibilities jointly.

[chlobo]

Yes you are misreading. They aren’t just asking for money. They are asking him to lead the fundraising campaign. Very different.

I would be offended if they felt they needed to ask the man for a donation. This is different.

I agree with your interpretation that they are asking her DH to lead the campaign.

However, I think they handled the situation badly. I think they should not have ignored GM's email and maybe instead, have copied them both sending the same message.

[Philly Mom]

Personally I would find it HIGHLY insulting. Sounds like you are the lowly female who wouldn't be able to make such difficult financial decisions.

Me too, especially since they didn’t copy you. In my house or my parents’ house, that would not fly. We would probably rethink donations. Why? Because at least in my house, I make the big financial decisions and in my parents’ house, because they are a team regardless that my mother hasn’t earned an outside income in 45 years.

They may want to ask your husband to lead the campaign but they also want to ask him to write a big check. Either way, your husband asked you to go to the meeting. They should respect it or at least not insult you by sending an email just to your DH. I am livid on your behalf.


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[specialp]

The not cc'ing, not responding to, and asking DH to extend their "thanks" to you was highly insulting.

The wanting him to lead the fundraising instead of you isn't. He's brilliant at making money, outgoing, charming, etc. and those are good fundraisers. Fundraisers of course make large donations themselves, but their real value is in getting others to as well. I'm great at organizing and overseeing, but hate fundraising with a passion so it wouldn't bother me by itself.

Overall, the execution and communication of it would be insulting enough that I wouldn't want to donate or be involved any further fundraising.

[Dayzy]

I wouldn't be insulted. To me, you and your husband did the same thing. They emailed him asking for something and you replied instead. What they wanted to discuss was with your husband, so they emailed him again to clarify what they wanted. Suffice it to say, I don't think it would have killed them to send you a quick "Thanks, but we really want to talk to H about something."

[mmsmom]

I used to work in fundraising.... they want to meet with your DH to ask him to be the parent chair of the fundraising campaign. I am sure at some point they will ask for money too but it sounds like initially they want a parent leader. However, the situation was not handled well. They should have responded to you saying they wanted to meet to discuss the possibility of your DH leading the fundraising efforts and asking for a time they could meet with you both. I don’t think there is a “only deal with the man about the money” intention but they did not handle it well.

[AngB]

Personally I would find it HIGHLY insulting. Sounds like you are the lowly female who wouldn't be able to make such difficult financial decisions.

Agreed! That they specifically said in the email that ONLY your DH needs to attend because they want to talk about raising money is incredibly insulting unless your DH has some kind of obvious major background lending itself towards fundraising (MAYBE, possibly, then, I could understand it somewhat.) I am guessing that's not the case .

[SnuggleBuggles]

Me too, especially since they didn’t copy you. In my house or my parents’ house, that would not fly. We would probably rethink donations. Why? Because at least in my house, I make the big financial decisions and in my parents’ house, because they are a team regardless that my mother hasn’t earned an outside income in 45 years.

They may want to ask your husband to lead the campaign but they also want to ask him to write a big check. Either way, your husband asked you to go to the meeting. They should respect it or at least not insult you by sending an email just to your DH. I am livid on your behalf.


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That's my reading. I'd be really unhappy. I know your family is wealthy, OP, but if you feel like you're being taken advantage of, you really should just say no. It's ok to sit back and let them figure this out without your family.

[gatorsmom]

Thank you so much for all your responses. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone in feeling they were terribly rude and dismissive of me. We did want to help them and of course our kids go to school there and being such a small school, we can’t avoid them. Dh feels terrible for me too. How do we respond to this? He doesn’t want to lead a fundraising committee. But we will help them somehow. But we do want them to know how insulted we are and that we are a team. He’s not donating any serious money without consulting me. It’s ridiculous for them to think he would.

[MSWR0319]

Thank you so much for all your responses. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone in feeling they were terribly rude and dismissive of me. We did want to help them and of course our kids go to school there and being such a small school, we can’t avoid them. Dh feels terrible for me too. How do we respond to this? He doesn’t want to lead a fundraising committee. But we will help them somehow. But we do want them to know how insulted we are and that we are a team. He’s not donating any serious money without consulting me. It’s ridiculous for them to think he would.

I would just have him respond that he's not interested in leading a fundraising committee and leave it at that. They didn't ask for money just yet so I wouldn't even bring it up. Now if they send him another email asking for a donation and only want to talk to him, that's a whole different ball game!

[Pear]

If he doesn’t want the task, he should just send them a message to the effect.

Truthfully, you committed the original faux pas of responding to a message sent to someone else. I don’t think their follow up was rude at all.

[Kindra178]

I hate to put the elephant on the table, but everything you have ever said about this school is that it is traditional and conservative. Of course they wouldn’t speak to you about money, or even fundraising. I would be offended and you didn’t misread anything. It was a slap in the face to you, especially because your email remains unanswered.


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[Kindra178]

I wouldn't be insulted. To me, you and your husband did the same thing. They emailed him asking for something and you replied instead. What they wanted to discuss was with your husband, so they emailed him again to clarify what they wanted. Suffice it to say, I don't think it would have killed them to send you a quick "Thanks, but we really want to talk to H about something."

Sorry for two posts in a row! I just have to respond to this. In a work situation, it would make sense that they wouldn’t want to talk directly to gatorsmom, say if gatorsmom’s dh had a client that wanted him. Put another way, my dh wouldn’t respond to my client on a work email.

But schools are different and parents are interchangeable! The head of fundraising should be both of them, and that email should have been directed to both of them. The only time parents are not interchangeable would be if gator’s dh was a plumber or electrician and had agreed to do some work for the school. Otherwise, it’s horribly sexist.


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[gatorsmom]

Truthfully, you committed the original faux pas of responding to a message sent to someone else. I don’t think their follow up was rude at all.

Dh asked me to respond to their email for him. We agreed I’d let them know that I was willing to help them in his place. Since they are asking a favor of us (and most likely money down the line), I’d think they would be happy and appreciative that either Dh or I responded favorably to their email. If they DO want our help and money, it doesn’t make sense to pi$$ off the wife. I’m on the board of a charity that over the last 2 years raised $10 million in our small town. I had to meet with people and ask for big money so I do have an idea how this works. It takes time to court donors. They aren’t being smart about this.

[gatorsmom]

I hate to put the elephant on the table, but everything you have ever said about this school is that it is traditional and conservative. Of course they wouldn’t speak to you about money, or even fundraising. I would be offended and you didn’t misread anything. It was a slap in the face to you, especially because your email remains unanswered.


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But Kindra, I’m traditional conservative too and yet I’m here online shocked about this behavior! Not all traditional conservatives live in the stone ages! Admittedly, though, the lady who wrote that email does.

I’m tempted to forward that last email that Kate sent to Dh back to her with the following message, “Dear Kate,It’s kind of you to consider Joe to help with your fundraising efforts but at this time his schedule won’t allow for much more volunteering. If there is some way I can help you, please let me know. Regards, Lisa”

That would be polite but blunt and make it clear that they can’t just run around me. What do you think?

[specialp]

I wouldn't be insulted. To me, you and your husband did the same thing. They emailed him asking for something and you replied instead. What they wanted to discuss was with your husband, so they emailed him again to clarify what they wanted. Suffice it to say, I don't think it would have killed them to send you a quick "Thanks, but we really want to talk to H about something."

I understand this… to a point. I feel like OP should’ve let them reach out to her vs. her contacting to set up a time for no other reason than they are the one asking for a favor and the ball was in their court. Reading this initially, it felt a bit eager to be involved/contribute. But OP’s DH did respond to them and that response was to set it up with his wife. It’s not like she took over.




It’s kind of you to consider Joe to help with your fundraising efforts but at this time his schedule won’t allow for much more volunteering. If there is some way I can help you, please let me know. Regards, Lisa”

That would be polite but blunt and make it clear that they can’t just run around me. What do you think? [/FONT][/COLOR]

Feels too eager to help out and be involved with people who were insulting. THEY need to be the one asking. Not you. Even if they say yes now, is it because they want you involved? Or they know not to throw away given $? I think he should respond he’s not interested. Even having you respond he’s not interested feels like you’re his secretary. He says he's not interested in being a fundraising parent and that leaves it up to them.

[meggie t]

I think your response is fine if you want to be polite but blunt. As I read it, yes, they wanted DH to head fundraising, so they thought best to contact him, not you. I don't think they were trying to be rude or disrespectful. I do understand how their email might be misread, so they didn't choose the best words. But I do think it odd that you are responding to emails sent to your DH, even if you get consulted on all matters and DH asked you to respond. In those cases (as I am in a similar situation!), if DH doesn't have time, I write the response, forward to DH and he sends it. Sometimes he will point out that he is looping me in on a CC if he wants me to be able to respond as well.

Personally, I would have DH respond and say what you said in the first sentence.

[meggie t]

I understand this… to a point. I feel like OP should’ve let them reach out to her vs. her contacting to set up a time for no other reason than they are the one asking for a favor and the ball was in their court. Reading this initially, it felt a bit eager to be involved/contribute. But OP’s DH did respond to them and that response was to set it up with his wife. It’s not like she took over.

OP responded to the email instead of her DH, taking over, so to speak.

[abh5e8]

If dh asks me to respond to an email for him, I sign it "Jill and Jack Smith" and add him on the cc line. But op, I do think your situation was handled in a rude way.

[mommy111]

Have DH respond. ‘I am sorry I am unable to take this commitment on at this time. You should try asking Lisa, she’s a great fundraiser and very involved in the school as you know’

[California]

This sounds like poorly done strategy to me. I wouldn't be livid about it. Just, "I see your game, and I'm not going to play it."

It sounds like they specifically wanted your DH for the lead, and since his response was indirect (he got you to respond instead giving them a straight answer himself that he wasn't interested in meeting with them), they repeated their original request to him with more information about why they wanted to meet with him. This part wouldn't insult me.

The part where they messed up is telling your DH that you don't need to be there. If you have given the impression in the past that you are bad cop to your DH's good cop (going by what you wrote,) strategically they may be thinking that your DH is genuinely interested in helping out more. And, that they can get a bigger time commitment from him if he's there alone. This is just really poorly done on their part. I wouldn't be livid about it simply because that'll only hurt you. Feeling angry is an uncomfortable place to be. With you and your DH so involved in the school they really have no excuse not to see that you both are a very united and happy couple. It's almost comical that they messed up here- think they just proved their point that they need another person to lead the fundraising!

I can't tell if you want to be on this fundraising committee or a fundraising lead? The email text you wrote opens the door to that. If you aren't interested, your DH should respond back letting them know he can't make that kind of commitment at this time, and leave it at that.

But really, it sounds like they need someone!

[urquie]

The part where they messed up is telling your DH that you don't need to be there. If you have given the impression in the past that you are bad cop to your DH's good cop (going by what you wrote,) strategically they may be thinking that your DH is genuinely interested in helping out more. And, that they can get a bigger time commitment from him if he's there alone.


In addition to this, I wonder if they were also going to make a monetary request... with the hope that they could get a bigger donation, if he's there alone.

[magnoliaparadise]

Sorry for two posts in a row! I just have to respond to this. In a work situation, it would make sense that they wouldn’t want to talk directly to gatorsmom, say if gatorsmom’s dh had a client that wanted him. Put another way, my dh wouldn’t respond to my client on a work email.

But schools are different and parents are interchangeable! The head of fundraising should be both of them, and that email should have been directed to both of them. The only time parents are not interchangeable would be if gator’s dh was a plumber or electrician and had agreed to do some work for the school. Otherwise, it’s horribly sexist.


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This. I agree. And yes, I would be insulted. They are the ones asking for a (big) favor. They need to be inclusive and not exclude the life partner of the person whom they are courting. IMHO DH needs to be the one to be clear about this. If he wants to decline, he should decline, but copy you in the email and note in the email that he is copying you and that you are part of any discussion so they know that he includes you/ does not discount you like they are doing. This scenario makes it seem like they are trying to go around you or sideline you, like a 'wink wink gatorsmom husband, we don't need the woman involved in this one, right? This is just between the high school and you.'

And yes, they were just trying to ask him to be head of the fundraising campaign *now*, but in almost any scenario, the assumption is that the head of a fundraising campaign - especially one who had given large donations in the past - would give a lot of money. Kind of like the role a board member of a big institution plays - the role comes with implicit or sometimes explicit assumptions that they will not only get other people to give money, but they will give a lot of money themselves.

For me personally, this would affect my desire to give there. I would need them to acknowledge and apologize before giving a huge amount again. Since there are so many amazing places that need money - not saying your high school isn't one of them for you - if I had a huge amount of money to give, I would need to know that I was part of the 'team', included, acknowledged, and appreciated. That is not unreasonable. And that's certainly not *why* I would give, but given that there are so many places to give, I would think: why not give to some place who appreciates it and my commitment to their goals?

[TwinFoxes]

I think the email you shared from them was pretty dismissive. That said, I did find it a little odd that you replied on your DH's behalf to their first email...it's just not how I would have done it, or if I did, I would have cc'd him at least. Most likely my DH would have responded, cc'ing me "TF will be contacting you." I don't think they're asking for a donation (right now) I think they want your DH to be in charge of the capital campaign. For whatever reason, be it they like him better, think his personality is a better fit with approaching the other parents, they want him...and they may have a backup choice who's not you in mind if he turns them down.


“Dear Kate,It’s kind of you to consider Joe to help with your fundraising efforts but at this time his schedule won’t allow for much more volunteering. If there is some way I can help you, please let me know. Regards, Lisa”


I think they've already made it clear they're not interested in having you help at this time...what will you do if they reply in another way that is unsatisfactory/insulting? I don't think they're suddenly going to say "terrific, we'd love for you to chair the campaign."

[123LuckyMom]

I agree with the assessment that they were hoping your DH would run the fundraising campaign and so wanted to speak with him directly AND with the assessment that it was handled poorly. I think it’s up to your DH to defend you in this scenario. If he’s willing to help, his response could be to set up the meeting but to be clear that you and he will attend together since you make decisions about the use of your and his time, energy, and resources as a team. If he’s not interested but you are still willing to entertain the idea of a donation, he could decline and indicate that you and he have decided together that this is not a project he can take on right now, but the two of you are still willing to donate, and if they’d like to speak about that, they should make the appointment with you since you handle aspects of their finances that relate to charitable donations (or whatever is true but holding you up as at the very least an equal partner.) I would try not to be insulted that they wanted your DH rather than you to head the campaign. It sounds like he really has the gifts best suited to that role. They handled it incredibly badly, though, and if they’re smart, when your DH clearly explains that you and he are equal partners and that he will not brook your being excluded in any way, they will issue you some sort of apology. I’d be interested to see if that apology happens before making any decisions about donations.


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[gatorsmom]

I agree with the assessment that they were hoping your DH would run the fundraising campaign and so wanted to speak with him directly AND with the assessment that it was handled poorly. I think it’s up to your DH to defend you in this scenario. If he’s willing to help, his response could be to set up the meeting but to be clear that you and he will attend together since you make decisions about the use of your and his time, energy, and resources as a team. If he’s not interested but you are still willing to entertain the idea of a donation, he could decline and indicate that you and he have decided together that this is not a project he can take on right now, but the two of you are still willing to donate, and if they’d like to speak about that, they should make the appointment with you since you handle aspects of their finances that relate to charitable donations (or whatever is true but holding you up as at the very least an equal partner.) I would try not to be insulted that they wanted your DH rather than you to head the campaign. It sounds like he really has the gifts best suited to that role. They handled it incredibly badly, though, and if they’re smart, when your DH clearly explains that you and he are equal partners and that he will not brook your being excluded in any way, they will issue you some sort of apology. I’d be interested to see if that apology happens before making any decisions about donations.


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Thanks to everyone who has responded. It’s given me a lot of food for thought, helped me realize that I should have cc’ed Dh in my first email, and just helped me not take this too personally.

Dh and talked abiut this some last night and we aren’t interested anymore in helping them. Magnoliasparadiso said it well- I would rather focus my attention and resources on people who appreciate my efforts and gifts. So Dh has agreed to email them declining their help. And 123luckymom, I agree with what you said completely. So, what should he say in his email? He’s asked for help writing the email to express our hurt. Can you help me compose his email?

[westwoodmom04]

Asking him to lead the fundraising campaign is implicitly asking op’s family to give a large donation. The lead is not only expected to “charm” other donors, but also to lead by example, i.e. typically giving a significant first round donation before the campaign even officially begins.

I do find how op was treated to be extremely sexist, and would be worried about how that carries over into the classroom, particularly for female students.

[o_mom]

I think that there was awkward communication on both parts, but a lot of assuming about intentions and attitudes. This is one of the pitfalls of email.

When I read it through the first time, my impression was that they wanted DH to do the fundraising chair (which OP initially said he was a better fit for). The line about only dh needing to be there I read as they thought the reason only Gatorsmom was setting up times was due to the difficulty of getting both of them there together, so they offered that just DH could attend, but they really needed him there since he was the one they wanted to talk to. Since they were cryptic in the first email, I don't think it was an intentional faux pax on your part (you responding to an email requesting DH, even though he told you to), but they realized they needed to be more specific in the second one.

I don't agree that parents are interchangeable for something like this. If the school wanted someone to run the French club and GM is fluent in French and her DH is not, it would be a waste of time to meet with him about it.

[meggie t]

Do you really want them to acknowledge your hurt? I think DH should just decline and move on. By writing an email that dives into emotion, words are sure to be lost in translation and things could get more awkward. If you want to continue attending this school, I wouldn’t get into all that.

[meggie t]

Forgot to say, if you want to get into it, I would do so verbally. Again, we’ve had this happen (small school, wanted DH on the board, I was actually better suited and had time but DH agreed, things got hairy, DH resigned with basic email- no explanation, I was asked verbally why and told them, no hard feelings). Now we attend and give some money but aren’t involved at the board level.

[khm]

Do you really want them to acknowledge your hurt? I think DH should just decline and move on. By writing an email that dives into emotion, words are sure to be lost in translation and things could get more awkward. If you want to continue attending this school, I wouldn’t get into all that.

I agree, just have him decline the fundraising chair position simply and be done with it.

Don't mention money or how you support the school or how slighted you felt. Respond to the ask at hand, which is ONLY about him heading up the fundraising.

I do think this whole situation escalated because of mis-read email tidbits and assumptions.

An email going into anything beyond the current ask would only hurt, not help.

I understand your hurt, I would be too. Very much so. I definitely get a sexist vibe from the whole thing, at the same time, your replying back FOR him - I can see how they misinterpreted that too. You were thinking "his partner", they were reading "his secretary/calendar keeper". Sexist, indeed. But, not shocking given the hierarchy there that you describe.

When they come to you later for money, see how you feel then..... That might be a better time to express.... what you are feeling.

[magnoliaparadise]

Do you really want them to acknowledge your hurt? I think DH should just decline and move on. By writing an email that dives into emotion, words are sure to be lost in translation and things could get more awkward. If you want to continue attending this school, I wouldn’t get into all that.

I agree with what I think is your insinuation that OP does not want them to acknowledge her hurt, in a direct or subtle way. I do not think OP should express upset and say 'I'm so hurt by you, please apologize'. Not that! In my post, when I said that I wouldn't continue being involved unless an apology was made, I just meant that I would drop this whole thing (and if DH agreed, have him drop it cc me) and then only contribute a lot of money/my time again if someone from the school approached me and acknowledged that they had been rude or at least clueless in that situation. I didn't in any way mean to say that everyone should get together and do a kum bay ya big emotional clearing of the situation. Not useful. That would be awkward, draining, and go nowhere :)

[magnoliaparadise]

I agree with the assessment that they were hoping your DH would run the fundraising campaign and so wanted to speak with him directly AND with the assessment that it was handled poorly. I think it’s up to your DH to defend you in this scenario. If he’s willing to help, his response could be to set up the meeting but to be clear that you and he will attend together since you make decisions about the use of your and his time, energy, and resources as a team. If he’s not interested but you are still willing to entertain the idea of a donation, he could decline and indicate that you and he have decided together that this is not a project he can take on right now, but the two of you are still willing to donate, and if they’d like to speak about that, they should make the appointment with you since you handle aspects of their finances that relate to charitable donations (or whatever is true but holding you up as at the very least an equal partner.) I would try not to be insulted that they wanted your DH rather than you to head the campaign. It sounds like he really has the gifts best suited to that role. They handled it incredibly badly, though, and if they’re smart, when your DH clearly explains that you and he are equal partners and that he will not brook your being excluded in any way, they will issue you some sort of apology. I’d be interested to see if that apology happens before making any decisions about donations.


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I often agree with you, 123LuckyMom, but especially agree with you here, almost word for word. I also think, as you said, that copying DH on your initial email would have been a good idea - I understand why you didn't, since you were taking over - but email can be so hard to read. Maybe, crazy as it seems, they somehow thought you were taking over without his full support.

[Kindra178]

I think that there was awkward communication on both parts, but a lot of assuming about intentions and attitudes. This is one of the pitfalls of email.

When I read it through the first time, my impression was that they wanted DH to do the fundraising chair (which OP initially said he was a better fit for). The line about only dh needing to be there I read as they thought the reason only Gatorsmom was setting up times was due to the difficulty of getting both of them there together, so they offered that just DH could attend, but they really needed him there since he was the one they wanted to talk to. Since they were cryptic in the first email, I don't think it was an intentional faux pax on your part (you responding to an email requesting DH, even though he told you to), but they realized they needed to be more specific in the second one.

I don't agree that parents are interchangeable for something like this. If the school wanted someone to run the French club and GM is fluent in French and her DH is not, it would be a waste of time to meet with him about it.

Yes, I acknowledged that in certain instances, parents are not interchangeable (my example was plumber or electrician, but your example works well too). But with issues of money, parents are interchangeable. This is not for the field trip to France.

The specificity in the second email is infuriating. Why wouldn't OP be a cc? They purposely left her off as they didn't want her input on issues of money.

OP, I don't think you need to express your hurt. This is business. They want your dh's money and time. They have made clear that they don't want your time and they don't believe that you have any say in the family's money and that your ability to fundraise is not as good as your dh's ability. I have serious concerns about their overt sexism - that is something that you need to figure out for yourself. I just don't think any school we have ever been associated with (private, Catholic or public) would act in this manner.

[MSWR0319]

I agree, just have him decline the fundraising chair position simply and be done with it.

Don't mention money or how you support the school or how slighted you felt. Respond to the ask at hand, which is ONLY about him heading up the fundraising.

I do think this whole situation escalated because of mis-read email tidbits and assumptions.

An email going into anything beyond the current ask would only hurt, not help.

I understand your hurt, I would be too. Very much so. I definitely get a sexist vibe from the whole thing, at the same time, your replying back FOR him - I can see how they misinterpreted that too. You were thinking "his partner", they were reading "his secretary/calendar keeper". Sexist, indeed. But, not shocking given the hierarchy there that you describe.

When they come to you later for money, see how you feel then..... That might be a better time to express.... what you are feeling.

I agree! Just have him say he's not interested in heading up the fundraising and be done. No need to make the situation bigger right now. When they come to money, then you can tell them how it affected you.

[JamiMac]

I also agree that everything got off to the wrong foot when you replied for your husband. I would not express your hurt in this because I’m not sure any good would come from it.

I also find it hard to jump to the conclusion that this is sexist. Especially since some of this communication (if I’m reading right) was with another woman. Op already has stated she’s been outspoken in the past and it hadn’t always been appreciated. It sounds like more of a personality conflict, and they’d prefer to work with her DH.


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[o_mom]

Yes, I acknowledged that in certain instances, parents are not interchangeable (my example was plumber or electrician, but your example works well too). But with issues of money, parents are interchangeable. This is not for the field trip to France.

The specificity in the second email is infuriating. Why wouldn't OP be a cc? They purposely left her off as they didn't want her input on issues of money. .

But they are not asking for money, they are asking for a fundraising coordinator... a skill set that OP acknowledged is her DHs strength.

I would assume good intentions.

[gatorsmom]

I just can’t tell you how I appreciate all your thorughtful responses. They have calmed me down immensely and helped me feel heard. I was very hurt by that email last night and I’m still angry this morning. I had DH send this email to them and copied me:

Kate,

Our family is willing to help, Lisa has offered to meet with you but at this time my schedule does not allow for me to help with the fundraising efforts.

Joe.



Then, get this, this is their reply to Dh (and of course they didn’t copy me).



Thank you Joe! I will let the faculty and students know to be sure to have their vehicles removed by 3:10 today (http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/x-apple-data-detectors://7) for snow removal. As far as fundraising goes, I will let Amy and Jill know that you are unable to meet.

Karla




They are clueless. I just told DH that he needs to leave any future donations to me. He agreed and is willing to put that in an email. Something like ,” for future reference, Lisa handles all the financial transactions.” I told him not to say anything more. (That was sweet of him though. He knows I’m hurt.)

[gatorsmom]

But they are not asking for money, they are asking for a fundraising coordinator... a skill set that OP acknowledged is her DHs strength.

I would assume good intentions.

The thing is, westwoodmom is right. They want money. We have the money AND in the past month we have offered money to set up a fund for the student that suddenly fell on hard times. 2 months ago we bought a table at a benefit dinner we didn’t attend (Dh sent his employees to go sit at our donated table. It’s pretty funny, because most of his employees are devout Evangelicals and the dinner was a fundraiser for our Catholic school. Dh just didn’t want those dinners to go to waste. Lol. They said the food was good and thanked him for the free dinner. :P. )

They mentioned dollar amounts here for furnaces and things because these people know that asking for dollar amounts is much more likely to get a check scribbled out by a harried businessman. so Yes, they would love for him to raise money for them but they also want his (OUR) money as well.

[almostmom]

I read through some, but not all of the responses. But I felt I had to respond.

I am a fundraiser. And I think they really messed up. Of course you are a team! Unless you have outwardly shown in the past that one person in the couple was way more interested than the other, they should see you that way. And if you have a lot of money to give, and they need you for this campaign, they should have done this very differently. Shame on them. Yes, I would be really annoyed and insulted in your situation. Unless DH has been way more out there with past fundraising for the school, they should have approached both of you.

That said, it does sound like they were looking to talk directly to your DH to ask him to lead the fundraising (and also, to give a big gift - that ask would come soon if he is to be the lead). And they are really going to want to make this up to you. I think, since they like your DH so much, it should be him that replies, and says he is honored that they want his help with the campaign (or whatever they call it), but he is not interested in doing that. He should also say that he and you are a team, and make decisions together, and in the future, if they are contacting one of you about fundraising, volunteering, or an issue with a child, they should include both of you. And if one of you responds, they should respond directly to that person (and maybe cc the other parent?). Sounds like they need to, unfortunately, be told how to contact you both in a way that feels right. Jeesh.

And knowing that an ask is imminent, and it sounds like you would like to give to the school, to make exciting improvements, which is great, I think you could say that if they would like to talk to you about supporting the project, you are both interested in hearing about the proposed project, but due to time constraints, it will be DW who attends the meeting.

As a fundraiser, I would definitely want to know the desire of a donor, and if I messed up. Especially so I didn't do it again, and made sure I showed appropriate thanks to the donors for their interest and generosity.

[khm]

Lisa, how do you feel female students in leadership roles are treated? Athletic teams? Other moms in volunteer roles or families who are on donor lists? Female employees / board members?

I'm curious if this situation is making you see other things you might not have noticed before or if you think it is some dynamic they hold that is unique to you and your husband?

[icunurse]

I just can’t tell you how I appreciate all your thorughtful responses. They have calmed me down immensely and helped me feel heard. I was very hurt by that email last night and I’m still angry this morning. I had DH send this email to them and copied me:

Kate,

Our family is willing to help, Lisa has offered to meet with you but at this time my schedule does not allow for me to help with the fundraising efforts.

Joe.

Then, get this, this is their reply to Dh (and of course they didn’t copy me).



Thank you Joe! I will let the faculty and students know to be sure to have their vehicles removed by 3:10 today (http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/x-apple-data-detectors://7) for snow removal. As far as fundraising goes, I will let Amy and Jill know that you are unable to meet.

Karla




They are clueless. I just told DH that he needs to leave any future donations to me. He agreed and is willing to put that in an email. Something like ,” for future reference, Lisa handles all the financial transactions.” I told him not to say anything more. (That was sweet of him though. He knows I’m hurt.)








I don't think they are clueless. I think they are being very clear. They want your husband. And his money. I'm not saying that is right, but unfortunately, a lot of older, conservative places have a very patriarchial view of life. They may very well see it as your DH made the fortune and he controls it (or at least is freer to spend as he wills). You saying anything further about money and being the one to dole it out is only going to look like you want respect for holding it over their heads. How you decide to handle it is up to you, but I personally would back away and use my time and money for other causes. If they later ask you, you can say that you offered to help because your DH is too busy and they never contacted you, so you figured that your services weren't needed and only make polite donations if you want to. I really don't think these emails are a mistake and wouldn't believe anyone if they said they were.

[123LuckyMom]

I just can’t tell you how I appreciate all your thorughtful responses. They have calmed me down immensely and helped me feel heard. I was very hurt by that email last night and I’m still angry this morning. I had DH send this email to them and copied me:

Kate,

Our family is willing to help, Lisa has offered to meet with you but at this time my schedule does not allow for me to help with the fundraising efforts.

Joe.



Then, get this, this is their reply to Dh (and of course they didn’t copy me).



Thank you Joe! I will let the faculty and students know to be sure to have their vehicles removed by 3:10 today (http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/x-apple-data-detectors://7) for snow removal. As far as fundraising goes, I will let Amy and Jill know that you are unable to meet.

Karla




They are clueless. I just told DH that he needs to leave any future donations to me. He agreed and is willing to put that in an email. Something like ,” for future reference, Lisa handles all the financial transactions.” I told him not to say anything more. (That was sweet of him though. He knows I’m hurt.)







I’m sorry I didn’t get back to this in time to help with the email, but the simple and direct reply your DH sent was great. Once again, they put their foot in it big time! These exchanges could be used as a textbook example of how to alienate potential donors! Do they think you and your DH do not even speak to one another!?! I definitely agree that your DH needs to make it clear that if they want a donation, they had better rethink their behavior to you, because you will be making that decision. I think the simple statement that you handle the finances will go a long way to setting them straight.

Just for a little bit of comfort that this does happen and not only to you, my dad led the fundraising for his class at his college alma mater and set a fundraising record. The next time the development office called to ask him if he could lead a campaign again, he had been diagnosed with a chronic (and, as it turned out, ultimately terminal) illness, and he told the person he was speaking with about the diagnosis and that he’d have to think about whether he could place his energy there at that time. The person didn’t even express regret about the diagnosis! They just asked him when he thought he would know whether he could help. Guess what. He knew right then and there and pretty much from that day forward shifted his attention from his own alma mater to my sister’s to their great (and continuing even after his death) benefit and at great loss to his own alma mater. Organizations really need to be careful when hiring development and alumni relations staff! Missteps like the one I described and the one you describe can do a lot of damage to the goodwill that exists with the institution and to their bottom line, not to mention the hurt it can cause completely necessarily to people who just want to help.


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[DualvansMommy]

I don't think they are clueless. I think they are being very clear. They want your husband. And his money. I'm not saying that is right, but unfortunately, a lot of older, conservative places have a very patriarchial view of life. They may very well see it as your DH made the fortune and he controls it (or at least is freer to spend as he wills). You saying anything further about money and being the one to dole it out is only going to look like you want respect for holding it over their heads. How you decide to handle it is up to you, but I personally would back away and use my time and money for other causes. If they later ask you, you can say that you offered to help because your DH is too busy and they never contacted you, so you figured that your services weren't needed and only make polite donations if you want to. I really don't think these emails are a mistake and wouldn't believe anyone if they said they were.

ITA! I’ve been reading this thread with interest as it reminded me very much of my all girls catholic school. It was mostly nuns with few lay people on teaching staff, and it was really really patriarchal led. What you, OP and your husband is going through actually happened to my parents. They kept going around my mum even though she was on the board! And that was when my parents weren’t even together anymore, and dad making it very clear to them the school were to reach out to my mother for any future fundraising and donation issues.

OP also mentioned this Kate holds very conservative old school beliefs. It isn’t so much as personality conflict but a way they don’t value OP’s importance as much they value her DH.


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[JBaxter]

Just curious is there someone in that group that has issues with you or your personality that doesn't want you included in "the loop" of the fundraising project? I know no donations go out with out both DH & I knowing about them. I stand by my highly insulted stance on this. Its like the totally snubbed YOU.

[kdeunc]

I am sorry that you feel slighted by the communication. From my standpoint as an outsider (and someone who has been a fundraiser) I really think that they were asking for a leadership/time commitment from your husband and not asking for a financial contribution from you and your husband at this time which is why your presence wasn't necessary. I would imagine that they are trying to structure a committee, campaign, or whatever and wanted to use his strengths. I am sure that a personal ask would have/will follow. While you both are involved in school decisions related to your children I don't see this as the same thing. If another charity wanted DH to serve on a fundraising committee would you have viewed it the same way?

That said, I think your husband's response is fine if he doesn't want to lead/participate in the effort. I also know that I very often don't hit reply all when I respond to a message, not from exclusionary intent but from habit of hitting reply. That may be the case with this person. From the schools emails I would think they would be very surprised to see that you viewed the conversation as hurtful. I don't read them as assuming you don't have a say in the financial decisions for your family. I see them as wanting to ask for a specific task from a specific person. It may be that other issues with the school are coloring your reading or I could be way off base as an outsider. :) Either way I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. I know what it is like to feel like your help is not wanted.

[meggie t]

I am sorry that you feel slighted by the communication. From my standpoint as an outsider (and someone who has been a fundraiser) I really think that they were asking for a leadership/time commitment from your husband and not asking for a financial contribution from you and your husband at this time which is why your presence wasn't necessary. I would imagine that they are trying to structure a committee, campaign, or whatever and wanted to use his strengths. I am sure that a personal ask would have/will follow. While you both are involved in school decisions related to your children I don't see this as the same thing. If another charity wanted DH to serve on a fundraising committee would you have viewed it the same way?

That said, I think your husband's response is fine if he doesn't want to lead/participate in the effort. I also know that I very often don't hit reply all when I respond to a message, not from exclusionary intent but from habit of hitting reply. That may be the case with this person. From the schools emails I would think they would be very surprised to see that you viewed the conversation as hurtful. I don't read them as assuming you don't have a say in the financial decisions for your family. I see them as wanting to ask for a specific task from a specific person. It may be that other issues with the school are coloring your reading or I could be way off base as an outsider. :) Either way I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. I know what it is like to feel like your help is not wanted.

:yeahthat:

[bisous]

I am getting two things from these emails exchanges.

1. I think they are doing a terrible job at handling this whole thing. Whatever their intent and their desires, you, the donor, are upset and that should just not happen if they are any good at their jobs!

2. I think they don't want to work with you, for whatever reason. I'm not reading "patriarchy" at all but then I'm not one to assume that because someone follows a particular religion or comes from a certain political point of view that they are "patriarchal" so there is that. You mention that you've butted heads with these folks in the past. If they really want a committee (rather than an outright donation) maybe they are thinking that they don't want to work with you??

High level fundraising is completely outside my experience, so maybe I'm off in my analysis, this is just what I'm seeing. It just seems clear that they want HIM and not you. And that is hurtful and very unskillful on their part. I'm sorry for your hurt. I like that you guys are standing by each other.

[gatorsmom]

Lisa, how do you feel female students in leadership roles are treated? Athletic teams? Other moms in volunteer roles or families who are on donor lists? Female employees / board members?

I'm curious if this situation is making you see other things you might not have noticed before or if you think it is some dynamic they hold that is unique to you and your husband?

I want to let everyone know again, how appreciative I am of all your responses. They have really helped me see as many sides of this as possible. And it's giving me a lot of clarity on how I want to handle this moving forward.

To respond to your post, khm, the whole situation is odd. Each of the founders of this school has daughters. One of the founders only has one child- a daughter. The girls at our school have power. They are treated with respect and given a lot of freedom. The kids at this school are all kind to each other for the most part. There are a few kids clearly going through awkward teen stages. But my kids don't come home upset about classmates saying mean things or feeling left out or any of those mean-kid games that I experienced growing up. I love to see the kids work well together at the auto club we host on the weekends. There just isn't that emotional angst at this school. Which means the kids are really focused on their school work and get excited about their projects. I LOVE that. So to answer your question, yes, kids of both sexes are treated equally. Most of the administration is female, including Kate and her sister and the other founder. The parent volunteers are men and women pretty equally and most of the kids who attend are the children of local doctors, male and female. And the middle school and high school teachers are men and women, probably divided equally. If I felt the girls at my school were only being prepared for motherhood or being taught that they were unequal, I'd very loudly let the school have it. But I feel treated inferior to these ladies and just this morning I asked my friend who is a doctor (she and her husband are surgeons) and she said they treated her like that as well. I asked her if she felt our girls were being treated unfairly compared to the boys and she said she didn't think the sexism stretched that far, thank goodness.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think they are clueless. I think they are being very clear. They want your husband. And his money. I'm not saying that is right, but unfortunately, a lot of older, conservative places have a very patriarchial view of life. They may very well see it as your DH made the fortune and he controls it (or at least is freer to spend as he wills). You saying anything further about money and being the one to dole it out is only going to look like you want respect for holding it over their heads. How you decide to handle it is up to you, but I personally would back away and use my time and money for other causes. If they later ask you, you can say that you offered to help because your DH is too busy and they never contacted you, so you figured that your services weren't needed and only make polite donations if you want to. I really don't think these emails are a mistake and wouldn't believe anyone if they said they were.

I agree...they've been clear from the outset how they feel. I don't think any further attempts will change the outcome.

OP's husband specifically mentioned "We are willing to help. Lisa can meet with you..." in the last email and they completely blew it off. A simple "someone will be in touch with Lisa about participating" would have been fine. I don't know what's going on, but it's pretty clear how they (or at least that one person) feels.

[gatorsmom]

Just curious is there someone in that group that has issues with you or your personality that doesn't want you included in "the loop" of the fundraising project? I know no donations go out with out both DH & I knowing about them. I stand by my highly insulted stance on this. Its like the totally snubbed YOU.


I am getting two things from these emails exchanges.

1. I think they are doing a terrible job at handling this whole thing. Whatever their intent and their desires, you, the donor, are upset and that should just not happen if they are any good at their jobs!

2. I think they don't want to work with you, for whatever reason. I'm not reading "patriarchy" at all but then I'm not one to assume that because someone follows a particular religion or comes from a certain political point of view that they are "patriarchal" so there is that. You mention that you've butted heads with these folks in the past. If they really want a committee (rather than an outright donation) maybe they are thinking that they don't want to work with you??

High level fundraising is completely outside my experience, so maybe I'm off in my analysis, this is just what I'm seeing. It just seems clear that they want HIM and not you. And that is hurtful and very unskillful on their part. I'm sorry for your hurt. I like that you guys are standing by each other.

Thank you for responding. Yes, it's pretty clear they are uninterested in my help. As to why, I'm unsure. On the one hand, they should know I support their school. DH wouldn't have walked in and given them a 6 figure donation a few years ago without my input!!! That is my money too. Also, I"m on the board of a charity with the founding sisters' father and it's one that they support in a very big way. I work on the board with their dad. They know and highly respect the Chairman of that Board and I've been told by others that the Chairman thinks the world of me. So do the other board members. DH and I have made major contributions (of time, money, fundraising, and made introductions to employees they've hired) to that charity and been very involved. On the other hand, I don't have a problem speaking up when something is wrong at that school. There was an unsafe situation that happened a few years ago and after it happened twice I spoke up asking for that to be corrected. I think they didn't like that I spoke up. Last year DS1 and DS2 were being called fat and stupid by one of the founder's kids. I complained about it to the principal. It was corrected immediately and hasn't happened since. I called out the behavior of one of the teachers toward my son once and they handled it. On this upcoming class trip that I am helping chaperone I told the lady in charge twice that I had some serious concerns. They were answered. I've been vocal to the school but I've picked my battles. But I think they have labeled me a "trouble maker" because I'm willing to discuss issues and be upfront about my concerns. And I usually ask how they are going to handle it. They like to just say, "trust us, we will take care of it" but i want details when it comes to my kids' safety or wellbeing.

Well, whatever. I"m tired of being angry and insulted. The fact is, they aren't getting a dime without my say-so moving forward. And I've just taken over responsibilities with some other moms for the PT organization which means I'll be hanging around their office much more often. Whether they want to see me or not, I'll be there.

[bisous]

Thank you for responding. Yes, it's pretty clear they are uninterested in my help. As to why, I'm unsure. On the one hand, they should know I support their school. DH wouldn't have walked in and given them a 6 figure donation a few years ago without my input!!! That is my money too. Also, I"m on the board of a charity with the founding sisters' father and it's one that they support in a very big way. I work on the board with their dad. They know and highly respect the Chairman of that Board and I've been told by others that the Chairman thinks the world of me. So do the other board members. DH and I have made major contributions (of time, money, fundraising, and made introductions to employees they've hired) to that charity and been very involved. On the other hand, I don't have a problem speaking up when something is wrong at that school. There was an unsafe situation that happened a few years ago and after it happened twice I spoke up asking for that to be corrected. I think they didn't like that I spoke up. Last year DS1 and DS2 were being called fat and stupid by one of the founder's kids. I complained about it to the principal. It was corrected immediately and hasn't happened since. I called out the behavior of one of the teachers toward my son once and they handled it. On this upcoming class trip that I am helping chaperone I told the lady in charge twice that I had some serious concerns. They were answered. I've been vocal to the school but I've picked my battles. But I think they have labeled me a "trouble maker" because I'm willing to discuss issues and be upfront about my concerns. And I usually ask how they are going to handle it. They like to just say, "trust us, we will take care of it" but i want details when it comes to my kids' safety or wellbeing.

Well, whatever. I"m tired of being angry and insulted. The fact is, they aren't getting a dime without my say-so moving forward. And I've just taken over responsibilities with some other moms for the PT organization which means I'll be hanging around their office much more often. Whether they want to see me or not, I'll be there.

Lisa, just so you know, I GET it. I think you SHOULD speak up when you see something that isn't right. I just had a pretty heavy conversation at my kids school yesterday and we have at least ten more years there but sometimes you just gotta speak up--it is the right thing to do, though people don't always appreciate it. Thankfully, the administration at my school doesn't seem to hold that against me but I've had issues at other schools before because I choose to speak up. I think it speaks more to THEIR character than mine and I still don't regret it. But I do think that these women WILL regret mistreating you in this way. Like I said, I think it is great that you and your DH are so on the same page. I hope there is a good resolution to this!

[gatorsmom]

Lisa, just so you know, I GET it. I think you SHOULD speak up when you see something that isn't right. I just had a pretty heavy conversation at my kids school yesterday and we have at least ten more years there but sometimes you just gotta speak up--it is the right thing to do, though people don't always appreciate it. Thankfully, the administration at my school doesn't seem to hold that against me but I've had issues at other schools before because I choose to speak up. I think it speaks more to THEIR character than mine and I still don't regret it. But I do think that these women WILL regret mistreating you in this way. Like I said, I think it is great that you and your DH are so on the same page. I hope there is a good resolution to this!

I've been accused of being a big mouth but frankly, I see it as a blessing, now that I have kids. I'm not afraid to speak up when I think (and others agree) that something needs to change.

The hardest part about this is that DH WILL NOT speak up if at all possible. He's always backs down from an argument. He needs accolades. It's just who he is. He doesn't NOT like people to be angry with him. He's a bit of a coward that way. Also, it's hard for him to part with this adoration these ladies give him. It's hard for him to allow me to get his kudos. He loves giving money and getting recognized for it. And I am happy to let him take credit. I don't need the pats on the back. But in this situation he agrees, he's gotta give way to me getting some of the good attention. He admits I need to be given more credit in my role. Because clearly these idiots really think i'm only the bad cop and he's always the good cop. And while it's true I bring attention to the changes that need to be made, many of the donations and volunteer organizations we created and run were my idea. Many of the changes I've spoken up for were HIS idea too. I guess I gotta start speaking up and taking more credit. :shrug:

[JBaxter]

Pull your kids and take them to another school simple.

[Kindra178]

Pull your kids and take them to another school simple.

Yes to this. This isn’t normal school admin and parents relations.


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[MelissaTC]

Yes to this. This isn’t normal school admin and parents relations.


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In total agreement.

[magnoliaparadise]

Just for a little bit of comfort that this does happen and not only to you, my dad led the fundraising for his class at his college alma mater and set a fundraising record. The next time the development office called to ask him if he could lead a campaign again, he had been diagnosed with a chronic (and, as it turned out, ultimately terminal) illness, and he told the person he was speaking with about the diagnosis and that he’d have to think about whether he could place his energy there at that time. The person didn’t even express regret about the diagnosis! They just asked him when he thought he would know whether he could help. Guess what. He knew right then and there and pretty much from that day forward shifted his attention from his own alma mater to my sister’s to their great (and continuing even after his death) benefit and at great loss to his own alma mater. Organizations really need to be careful when hiring development and alumni relations staff! Missteps like the one I described and the one you describe can do a lot of damage to the goodwill that exists with the institution and to their bottom line, not to mention the hurt it can cause completely necessarily to people who just want to help.


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I just wanted to acknowledge your sharing this - your dad sounds like he was such a good human being who really cared. Crazy that the fundraiser at his alma mater didn't acknowledge his diagnosis and express regret or offer kind words. It's so great that your dad took his talents and rather than just stopped helping, turned to help your sister's school.

[magnoliaparadise]

This is slightly an aside, but I see how important it is for fundraisers to make sure they don't, even inadvertently, say things that are unkind / excluding / or demeaning to one of their members or patrons. I had an interesting experience - we joined a temple here when we first moved 9 months ago and 2 months later, I left it for another temple. I posted about it here, but it was mainly that the hebrew school wasn't a good fit for my kid so we switched (and have been very happy). Before I left, I had a phone conversation with the first temple's rabbi who was head of the hebrew school and told her that I wanted to switch because it wasn't a good fit for my kid and that I was going to xyz new temple which had a slightly different hebrew school curriculum where DD1 had friends and I expressed my gratitude that the temple had been so helpful. It was a positive conversation and we left on very good terms. I didn't think of the exchange again.

What I found amazing is that the first temple reached out to me twice, by email and mail - I had not given any charitable contributions at all, but was just a member - to say that they were sorry that I had left, but understood that different people liked different temples and that they were sure that I was in good hands in the new temple; that I could come back any time; and that sometimes people can offend others and that if they did anything at all wrong, or any of their staff, or if I had any experience that I was unhappy about, they wanted me to know that they would be happy to meet with my any time because they are always open to hearing from others about how they can improve.

I was surprised and very impressed by that letter. The temple is a huge temple (unlike the one I moved to) and all the main rabbis signed the letter and I was touched that even though the temple is doing so well, the leaders still see the importance of keeping good communications with people who have left or might have had a bad experience that they caused (which in my case they didn't).

I know this wasn't strictly about fundraising, since I was not a present donor, but I think it's a great model for all fundraisers and institutions. It made me think highly of that temple and if I had money to give, I would consider giving, even though we aren't members.

[specialp]

I think your support of the school is a foregone conclusion. In your small community, I am sure there are tons of places that would bend over backwards for even a tiny fraction of the time and/or money you currently give to the school. And not to make you feel special or give accolades either, but just out of genuine appreciation!

I don't know why they treat you, the doctor lady, or any other female poorly, but I really wouldn't keep my kids there when there are other options. I mean, I'm willing to put up with a lot for my kids' sake when necessary, but they'll eventually sense it and see it, too, and that's not beneficial to them in the least for their mother treated as less inferior.

[westwoodmom04]

I am inclined to agree with this, combined with your other concerns about some deficiencies in their high school program, ie, no tech or language classes, in your shoes, I would seriously consider moving my kids. The lack of respect is particularly galling given the small size of the school community, which should foster better relationships with all parents.

[California]

This is a tiny, parochial school, and from previous posts the school is doing very well meeting Gatorsmom's kids' special needs. They might not get that personal attention at a larger school. Lisa's DH clearly enjoys being a big fish in a small pond. There's a trade off here. Is it worth putting up with what sounds like a personality clash with the admins (on Lisa's part, not her DH's) to get the educational benefits? Plus, coming at this from a teacher perspective, the family's regular presence, Lisa's self-acknowledged "big mouth" and "loud voice" in regards to the school, expectation to regularly interact with the founders' family/admins, in short their deep involvement in everyday school life, might not be as well tolerated at another school. At a different school they might very well encounter teachers and admins who push back at this level of involvement. Their donations might be appreciated but not give them a larger voice in how the school is run (which, is, in my opinion, healthier for schools, so I'm not saying that's a bad thing.) Do you stick with excellent teachers that excel at their jobs and meeting special needs, even if the admins are duds at parent relations? I personally wouldn't pick this school because it sounds tiny and conservative, but it seems to meet their particular needs really well.

[almostmom]

Just want to follow up on my response, now that I've read the whole thread. I think their response to your husband's email was terrible. They are still dissing you, and it's so wrong! Not even a mention of you? If I were you, I would not be giving to this organization again, except maybe token gifts.

As a fundraiser, relationships are the most important! If you want something, be it money or advice, from someone, you have to treat them right. At my organization, I know this wouldn't happen. The donor is always right, we are always grateful, and especially at the beginning of a big undertaking, we show huge appreciation for all of those we reach out to. Shame on them! It's your money, and you should feel good about the place you are giving to, and the people who represent that place!

And even if they don't like you, as a fundraiser with a responsibility to raise funds for the school, it is their job to find a way to work with those who have the means to get to their goal. They are doing a disservice to the school.

Your feelings are totally valid, and validated, unfortunately, in their final email. Puts a bad taste in my mouth.

[California]

I keep seeing the emphasis on fundraising and it feels like we're missing something about how schools should operate. I would hope we'd all agree that ignoring one parent is not okay, regardless of financial status. This isn't really about how much the family donates- it's about treating a parent poorly. And if they are doing this to Lisa, imagine how they treat parents who can't make big contributions! The parent who is unable to donate deserves as much respect at a school as the parent who can. As a teacher I never give preferential or special treatment based on donations. I do not want to model that for my students. All parents are treated respectfully and professionally. Even if we have personality differences, I still want to be respectful and try to build a working relationship with that person in the best interest of the children.

[westwoodmom04]

This is a tiny, parochial school, and from previous posts the school is doing very well meeting Gatorsmom's kids' special needs. They might not get that personal attention at a larger school. Lisa's DH clearly enjoys being a big fish in a small pond. There's a trade off here. Is it worth putting up with what sounds like a personality clash with the admins (on Lisa's part, not her DH's) to get the educational benefits? Plus, coming at this from a teacher perspective, the family's regular presence, Lisa's self-acknowledged "big mouth" and "loud voice" in regards to the school, expectation to regularly interact with the founders' family/admins, in short their deep involvement in everyday school life, might not be as well tolerated at another school. At a different school they might very well encounter teachers and admins who push back at this level of involvement. Their donations might be appreciated but not give them a larger voice in how the school is run (which, is, in my opinion, healthier for schools, so I'm not saying that's a bad thing.) Do you stick with excellent teachers that excel at their jobs and meeting special needs, even if the admins are duds at parent relations? I personally wouldn't pick this school because it sounds tiny and conservative, but it seems to meet their particular needs really well.


Dissing a woman because she is outspoken is the epitome of sexism, and I was going to mention earlier that op should not feel any need to apologize for not being timid. Generally, in both private and public schools, in my experience, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, especially if a squeaky wheel is generous in donating time to the school as op has, putting aside her family’s financial contributions.

[almostmom]

Absolutely! yes, everyone should be treated equally. And as a teacher, you should definitely treat all kids and parents equally. Same with the administrators.

But as this is in the context of fundraising, I personally am bringing in that perspective.

As a fundraiser, one must often focus on those with resources, and that's ok. Regardless, in this situation, someone was treated poorly, and it was wrong. Would be wrong no matter who they were, whether it was talking about a behavior issue or a money issue. Ignoring one half of a couple is just strange and rude!

[California]

My point, Westwood, is that in general in Lisa’s past posts it seems like when she speaks up the school teachers and staff listen. She’s commented many times on how well they accommodate her kids special needs, and it sounds like her family has been able to introduce new programs. Think of all the valid complaints posted by parents who are advocating for their kids and meeting resistance. If Lisa switched schools she could start getting a lot more pushback. (And very likely more paperwork, delays, and meetings to get accommodations.)

Yes, I agree that there is sexism at play, and they may decide to switch schools. It’s a trade off they have decide if they want to make or not. I do not have kids with special needs but have a lot of empathy for families who have to fight for services and accommodations.

[bisous]

This is a tiny, parochial school, and from previous posts the school is doing very well meeting Gatorsmom's kids' special needs. They might not get that personal attention at a larger school. Lisa's DH clearly enjoys being a big fish in a small pond. There's a trade off here. Is it worth putting up with what sounds like a personality clash with the admins (on Lisa's part, not her DH's) to get the educational benefits? Plus, coming at this from a teacher perspective, the family's regular presence, Lisa's self-acknowledged "big mouth" and "loud voice" in regards to the school, expectation to regularly interact with the founders' family/admins, in short their deep involvement in everyday school life, might not be as well tolerated at another school. At a different school they might very well encounter teachers and admins who push back at this level of involvement. Their donations might be appreciated but not give them a larger voice in how the school is run (which, is, in my opinion, healthier for schools, so I'm not saying that's a bad thing.) Do you stick with excellent teachers that excel at their jobs and meeting special needs, even if the admins are duds at parent relations? I personally wouldn't pick this school because it sounds tiny and conservative, but it seems to meet their particular needs really well.

I agree with this assessment.

[squimp]

The fact that the founder's kids were recently calling your children names is really tough. I am glad the issue was resolved, and it must have taken a lot of courage for you to raise it. I would have a hard time looking past that, it just reflects poorly on the school. I guess kids will be kids but it would be tough for me to keep having to fight. I guess it can happen in any setting, but it sounds really frustrating.

[bisous]

Dissing a woman because she is outspoken is the epitome of sexism, and I was going to mention earlier that op should not feel any need to apologize for not being timid. Generally, in both private and public schools, in my experience, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, especially if a squeaky wheel is generous in donating time to the school as op has, putting aside her family’s financial contributions.

Dissing someone for being outspoken is not the epitome of sexism inherently. As a squeaky wheel who has worked within many public school districts I can assure you there is a spectrum of responses and some public’s that I’ve worked with have very much penalized me for being a squeaky wheel. And some have not at all. I never considered it sexism though. People don’t like being called out for being wrong and being forced to follow laws. I expect I’d get treated the same if I were a Dad demanding things for my kids (but I’m much better at arguing and advocating for the kids so in my family it’s my job). Now, Lisa says that these women are sexist so there is validity to that point of view in this context. I’m just saying there are lots of reasons why outspoken parents are sometimes not treated as nicely. How many times have we worried in posts that going to bat for our kids on a particular issue would make us seem like “that parent”?

If a bunch of administrators tasked with fundraising are obnoxious and clueless and even sexist I think that I could deal with it if my children had a largely positive experience on a daily basis in their classes.

If I saw any inkling of sexism in the classroom that would be totally different.

[123LuckyMom]

This is slightly an aside, but I see how important it is for fundraisers to make sure they don't, even inadvertently, say things that are unkind / excluding / or demeaning to one of their members or patrons. I had an interesting experience - we joined a temple here when we first moved 9 months ago and 2 months later, I left it for another temple. I posted about it here, but it was mainly that the hebrew school wasn't a good fit for my kid so we switched (and have been very happy). Before I left, I had a phone conversation with the first temple's rabbi who was head of the hebrew school and told her that I wanted to switch because it wasn't a good fit for my kid and that I was going to xyz new temple which had a slightly different hebrew school curriculum where DD1 had friends and I expressed my gratitude that the temple had been so helpful. It was a positive conversation and we left on very good terms. I didn't think of the exchange again.

What I found amazing is that the first temple reached out to me twice, by email and mail - I had not given any charitable contributions at all, but was just a member - to say that they were sorry that I had left, but understood that different people liked different temples and that they were sure that I was in good hands in the new temple; that I could come back any time; and that sometimes people can offend others and that if they did anything at all wrong, or any of their staff, or if I had any experience that I was unhappy about, they wanted me to know that they would be happy to meet with my any time because they are always open to hearing from others about how they can improve.

I was surprised and very impressed by that letter. The temple is a huge temple (unlike the one I moved to) and all the main rabbis signed the letter and I was touched that even though the temple is doing so well, the leaders still see the importance of keeping good communications with people who have left or might have had a bad experience that they caused (which in my case they didn't).

I know this wasn't strictly about fundraising, since I was not a present donor, but I think it's a great model for all fundraisers and institutions. It made me think highly of that temple and if I had money to give, I would consider giving, even though we aren't members.

Thanks for the comments about my Dad. He was an extraordinary human being, and incredibly generous and kind.

This story about the Temple is EXACTLY how this sort of thing should be handled! Everyone wants to feel that an organization they value cares about them as people, not just as workers or members or donors.

Lisa, I absolutely understand why you value the school. I’m glad they’ve been receptive to your concerns, and I’m sorry that they’ve decided to see you as a squeaky wheel rather than as an advocate for the kids AND for the school, because you’re helping it to correct it’s flaws. I admire the fact that you’re still willing to work for the school, because the staff will change, and your kids will graduate, but the school will continue and go on to serve many more young people, and that’s important.


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[HannaAddict]

The thing is, westwoodmom is right. They want money. We have the money AND in the past month we have offered money to set up a fund for the student that suddenly fell on hard times. 2 months ago we bought a table at a benefit dinner we didn’t attend (Dh sent his employees to go sit at our donated table. It’s pretty funny, because most of his employees are devout Evangelicals and the dinner was a fundraiser for our Catholic school. Dh just didn’t want those dinners to go to waste. Lol. They said the food was good and thanked him for the free dinner. :P. )

They mentioned dollar amounts here for furnaces and things because these people know that asking for dollar amounts is much more likely to get a check scribbled out by a harried businessman. so Yes, they would love for him to raise money for them but they also want his (OUR) money as well.

It is rude but also sounds like they are an extremely small school and doubt they have a professional development director or anyone trained in development. It is a conservative school from what I’ve seen in other posts and so the treating the wife like the subordinate and talking to the patriarch is not unexpected - though not smart on their part. I’m sure they want your charming rich husband to woo other rich husbands and the wives are not on their radar. Not smart! And most times, though not always, the fundraising leader also leads by donating early and generously. When they have great skills and charisma but less wealth, fundraising chair will still do a reach gift. They need to professionalize their approach to say the least. I’d be highly annoyed and insulted by the snub.


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