S/O: shared email addresses?

[NCGrandma]

The recent thread about (in part) misunderstandings that result from one member of a couple replying to a message sent to the other reminded me of a pet peeve of mine. At my retirement community, a number of couples share an email address. These are active, involved retired professionals, mostly retired academics, who use email extensively.

Is this just a retiree thing or do any of you share, or know others who share, an email address with your spouse? I’m not talking about knowing each other's password or having the ability to check the account — I’m talking about using an address like [email protected].

None of my close friends do this and we all find it strange and off-putting (not to mention inefficient). My guess is that when some of those folks gave up the email address they used during their career, they decided to switch to a combined couple address. However, if this is a thing with younger couples, too, I thought that the BBB'ers would definitely know about it.

So, any experience? Thoughts?


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[jgenie]

We’re not young by any stretch. I’m 46 DH is 54. When we married 18 years ago we set up a combined email JGDH@mail to receive our bills and shared accounts. DH still uses it for some general correspondence but mostly it just receives our bills. I have a separate account I use and DH uses an account through work for social emails.


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[TwoBees]

Yes, and I think it is odd, but :shrug:. I think they each also have separate email addresses but the primary one they use is (example) "Mary and John @ internetprovider. com". If I send an email specifically to one of them I usually address them in the message, eg, Hi Mary...

My friend seems to text more than email, so if I want to tell just her something I will often text.

ETA: my friends are 40...do you consider that younger or older? :rotflmao:

[SnuggleBuggles]

A few of my friends have them and they’re in their 30s-40s. I hate it. I want to know who I’m talking to.


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[specialp]

I only have one set of relatives who do this. They are mid-70s, active, retired professionals but one is still involved in other endeavors. I hate it, but I have cell # so I try to text the individual more than email. You can't avoid it with evite and just hope crazy (in a fun way) uncle joe doesn't show up at the bridal shower.

[pharmjenn]

I have one set of friends that I know have a shared email account. I think it is primarily the husbands, ie jimsclan@... but both use it and it it the only email I have for them. I have other friends with separate emails, but a shared facebook account. Is that equally weird?

[mom2khj]

I find it incredibly strange, and am also annoyed by shared Facebook accounts.

[Percycat]

JGenie and Twobees --- do you want to edit your posts to remove actual email addresses?

My husband and I have multiple accounts for various types of communication -- some are joint and others are individual -- but we know that passwords and occasionally access each other's individual account. I assume email sent to a married person is or can be read by both people, so I don't think it is odd to just have one account..... It would be unruly -- however -- if the people receive a lot of email.

[squimp]

We have a combined email account that we use for family stuff. You learn something new on this board every day, it has never occurred to me that people would find it strange or off-putting. I always assume married people share everything so it does not concern me in the least. Many, many of our emails are family stuff. I do have an email account that I tend to use for stuff that just relates to me. If someone wants to reach me separately, they can text me or use my personal email.

[TwoBees]

JGenie and Twobees --- do you want to edit your posts to remove actual email addresses?



I just made that up! :rotfl: I'm surprised it linked like an actual address. I was trying to give an example of Wife and Husband @ etc etc. I'll edit anyway so that it does not link to anything!

[123LuckyMom]

I don’t think it’s that unusual. With most couples I know each has a separate email account for business or personal emails, but they may have a joint email they give out for family/social contacts, one that forwards to both of their individual emails and might be answered, if it’s generic, by whoever reads it first or whichever member of the couple handles that thing. What’s unusual is for that to be the only account.


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[khm]

I see it occasionally on sports team lists or whatever. I notice because it isn't my cup of tea, it but don't really care. Most of the addresses I get the sense are very old and they just haven't bothered moving on from them. Like when more people did an email with their internet provider or MSN or AOL. Now, most are gmail, an apple email or a work email.

I really dislike shared Facebook accounts though. So awkward. A couple I knew had one and it was always too weird. They'd talk to each other on it. They both used it a fair bit, so I have no idea why they'd want to preface a post with who they were, or to not say and have everyone curious. He was a super "checker-iner" at all the places. So he'd check the account in, then "have" to specify if it was just him or both. Gee, thanks, I was waiting with baited breath! Then, she posted that she was leaving Facebook so this account was now just his. Then, we heard she'd left him. Just so awkward!

[DualvansMommy]

We prefer using our own individual email addresses. However, we did create a shared email from our internet provider to receive online billing statements, banking emails, township emails, and our tax accountant.

The shared FB account drives me more crazy though! A classmate from my HS has one with her husband and they’re not old! She’s 40 and he’s 47. But I think someone must have said something to them because they created their own accounts now. Much better!


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[NCGrandma]

We prefer using our own individual email addresses. However, we did create a shared email from our internet provider to receive online billing statements, banking emails, township emails, and our tax accountant.

The shared FB account drives me more crazy though! A classmate from my HS has one with her husband and they’re not old! She’s 40 and he’s 47. But I think someone must have said something to them because they created their own accounts now. Much better!


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Thanks for all the responses — glad to know I’m not the only one who dislikes shared email addresses for most correspondence. To clarify, I was not talking about the sort of shared address dualvan and others mentioned, which is used for banking, bills etc. That’s fine and probably helps keep organized.

And shared FB accounts sound crazy! Fortunately I haven’t yet encountered that.


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[Pear]

My parents are 70 and share email. I find it creepy. It isn’t the same as a shared home phone because on the phone you can confirm who you have reached.

They are also horrible about signing their messages so half the time I don’t know who I am communicating with.

[carolinacool]

I have one friend who has a shared email address I think for bills and such. But she also has her own.

Shared Facebook accounts drive me CRAZY! I had one acquaintance who shared with her DH. And they are young - in their 20s. I really don't know either of them super well - I met the girl through a mutual friend. But I heard her DH was a controlling a-hole so I guess I'm not surprised they shared. He did not impress me at all the couple of times I talked to him in real life. But I mainly avoided writing on the page because I didn't know who I was responded to. I had no interest in talking to him.

I'm also on a local Facebook family/mom page and there are a handful of people who share as well.

[klwa]

I have a brother who doesn't like technology. He's 46. When he & his ex-wife were married, they shared an email. Now, if I need to email him something, I have to send it to his current wife & text both of them so she'll know to show him later. It's annoying, but I deal with it.

Then there are a lot of people who send me things even though they want to talk to DH because they've decided my email (which is MY NAME) is the family email.

[bisous]

I don't have any shared accounts with DH but shared email or FB accounts don't annoy me even a little bit. It makes absolutely no difference at all to me. I'm not sure I even understand why they would? Anything super private I'd assume would be a personal conversation or maybe a text?

[carolinacool]

I don't have any shared accounts with DH but shared email or FB accounts don't annoy me even a little bit. It makes absolutely no difference at all to me. I'm not sure I even understand why they would? Anything super private I'd assume would be a personal conversation or maybe a text?

I just want to know who I'm responding to. On Facebook especially, you can't tell who is posting on the wall unless they sign it, or you have a really good understanding of how each person writes. For example, I figured out the DH was more likely to have run-on sentences and use punctuation incorrectly. But mainly, I didn't want to engage with him, I wanted to engage with her.

[bisous]

I just want to know who I'm responding to. On Facebook especially, you can't tell who is posting on the wall unless they sign it, or you have a really good understanding of how each person writes. For example, I figured out the DH was more likely to have run-on sentences and use punctuation incorrectly. But mainly, I didn't want to engage with him, I wanted to engage with her.

Oh I see. I guess I would just figure that if someone would engage with me it would be my friend, lol. My friends who have had the shared accounts have only ever interacted with me--their DHs have not. I can see how that could possibly be confusing.

[belovedgandp]

I think it is somewhat age related. "Back in the day" DH and I shared a common last name@ provider e-mail. This was when everyone tied their e-mail to provider and having multiple was a pain to login/out. So 1999-ish.

Once we had web-based e-mail and more devices than the single home pc, we had our own accounts. I still use our relic 1997 hotmail account for paypal and to sign up for spam type accounts.

I don't have any peer friends sharing a common account now for regular use. Some of my aunts/uncles still do but that is in the 70+ age group. Even my mother complains about her friends sharing accounts now.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I don't have any shared accounts with DH but shared email or FB accounts don't annoy me even a little bit. It makes absolutely no difference at all to me. I'm not sure I even understand why they would? Anything super private I'd assume would be a personal conversation or maybe a text?

If you don't have any other means to contact someone, you can't make it private. Sometimes I really just want to talk to that person. Maybe couples read each others email when the account isn't joint and my basis for thinking my communication is targeted could be wrong, but I really don't want to talk to the other person sometime. I just want to engage with the person that the conversation is relevant to. I had an email interaction that I actually posted about in BP made worse, imo, because the account was shared. I wanted to discuss things with the hurt party privately vs thinking both were reading it. Again, I can't prevent folks from sharing anything I put out there but if I wanted to talk to both members of the couple then I would much rather cc them both than not have the option of selecting who I want reading and responding to me.

[bisous]

If you don't have any other means to contact someone, you can't make it private. Sometimes I really just want to talk to that person. Maybe couples read each others email when the account isn't joint and my basis for thinking my communication is targeted could be wrong, but I really don't want to talk to the other person sometime. I just want to engage with the person that the conversation is relevant to. I had an email interaction that I actually posted about in BP made worse, imo, because the account was shared. I wanted to discuss things with the hurt party privately vs thinking both were reading it. Again, I can't prevent folks from sharing anything I put out there but if I wanted to talk to both members of the couple then I would much rather cc them both than not have the option of selecting who I want reading and responding to me.

Oh wow. Yeah. I guess I just don't communicate very deeply via email so it hasn't been an issue. I would flip out if one of my friend's DH inserted himself into my relationship with a friend. Dh and I have each other's passwords because occasionally we have to retrieve an email conversation for each other when we're out and about. I don't read his though--it is just as boring as mine, lol. I would never communicate with his friends. I guess some people who share emails REALLY don't have boundaries and that sounds like it the bigger issue.

[JamiMac]

My DH has a work email and then we share an email with our last name in it. I probably access it much more. So convenient though to have all of our sports communications, activities, bills etc in one place. I don’t really ever have anything that personal though, run through email. That is more texts, Facebook messenger, which we don’t share.


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[doberbrat]

DH & I pretty much share a FB acct. mostly b/c neither of us cares about it much and certainly not enough to have 2. I post on FB about 3x a year. DH just about never. we dont even read the acct daily.

If it annoys people, so be it. :p

[bnme]

We have a shared account, but we really don't use email for personal communications. I did a havea friend that like to send long emails, but she knew to send to my work account. I guess some people may not realize it is shared. Most of our emails are kid-related things like sports practice notifications and bills related stuff.

[TwinFoxes]

My BIL and SIL (who are younger than I am) have a shared email account. I think it's super weird. I think it's a trust issue on their part.

For people who don't see why it's annoying...if I shoot an email to my friend saying "ugh, I have really bad cramps, can we skip lunch today?" I don't necessarily want her DH reading it. There are lots of things that aren't exactly super private but that I don't necessarily want my friend's partner to read.

[NCGrandma]

For people who don't see why it's annoying...if I shoot an email to my friend saying "ugh, I have really bad cramps, can we skip lunch today?" I don't necessarily want her DH reading it. There are lots of things that aren't exactly super private but that I don't necessarily want my friend's partner to read.

I think this is a great example! And also points out that most of us communicate somewhat differently with different people. Privacy (and secrecy) may not really have much to do with why some of us prefer to know who we're talking to.


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[bisous]

My BIL and SIL (who are younger than I am) have a shared email account. I think it's super weird. I think it's a trust issue on their part.

For people who don't see why it's annoying...if I shoot an email to my friend saying "ugh, I have really bad cramps, can we skip lunch today?" I don't necessarily want her DH reading it. There are lots of things that aren't exactly super private but that I don't necessarily want my friend's partner to read.

I think it must also depend on how we use email. I don't think I've ever emailed something like this to a friend. I've texted it I'm sure, but never email.

[TwinFoxes]

I think it must also depend on how we use email. I don't think I've ever emailed something like this to a friend. I've texted it I'm sure, but never email.

That was really just an example of something that's not a secret, but not necessarily something you want the partner of a friend to read. I actually never get cramps, so I've never texted or emailed that sentence. :) But, if I had to choose, I'd choose email for a tad more privacy. Texts can be read by anyone who glances at your phone. And some people don't/won't/can't text. This may be a DC specific thing, but friends who have security clearances have to put their cell phones in lockers at work, so when they contact me during the day, it's only via email. But there are also people who just aren't texters.

[AnnieW625]

We have never shared anything including FB or email.


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[magnoliaparadise]

Two couples (parents) in my DD's old school had a shared email address and it helped in the sense that you only needed to send to ONE of them for school reminders/ events, etc. That became less important anyway once a google group was created, though.

What I did find annoying was that on more than one occasion, I would reach out to the mom of the couple to discuss something (ask advice, respond to a request for advice, talk about a school project). No one would respond. So I would then write another email or find the mom at a school function and the mom would not know what I was talking about and tell me that she hadn't read my email... because her DH had read the email first so she hadn't seen that she had a new email to open and he hadn't mentioned it to her.

???? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the shared email? This happened with correspondence to both couples a couple of times. There was no one accountable and it made it harder to reach them. So I just resorted to texting the moms when I could after that.

Separately, I agree with other posters about not knowing who you are talking to when writing to a shared email because the couple doesn't separately sign off. My aunt/uncle have one and they often write me and I have no idea who it is reaching out or responding to me! I usually just respond by calling because it feels too awkward not knowing who I'm talking to and continually emailing back to ask who just answered.

[bisous]

That was really just an example of something that's not a secret, but not necessarily something you want the partner of a friend to read. I actually never get cramps, so I've never texted or emailed that sentence. :) But, if I had to choose, I'd choose email for a tad more privacy. Texts can be read by anyone who glances at your phone. And some people don't/won't/can't text. This may be a DC specific thing, but friends who have security clearances have to put their cell phones in lockers at work, so when they contact me during the day, it's only via email. But there are also people who just aren't texters.

Fair enough. I wonder if this really is location specific. Since the advent of the iPhone I don't think I've written anything in email that isn't business or volunteer related to any of my friends but none of mine have security clearance. ;)

[lizzywednesday]

Sharing social media or email would never occur to DH or I.

If we both need to be on the email, whoever's composing will cc- the other (this is imperfect if the recipient doesn't use "reply-all") so we know what's being said, but that's not the same as ALWAYS having communications come to both of us through a shared email address.

But I really couldn't imagine sharing an email address with DH, even for household bills, because we handle everything in our own ways.

I find shared email and social media accounts to be awkward. They make me very uncomfortable, but that's my own hangup about my sense of self and independence (and a feeling that there's such a thing as too much togetherness.)

[bigsis]

When email started---don't I sound old?---DH who was my BF at the time had a computer and an email address. So when anyone wanted to email me, I gave them his email address. We got married in 1998 and I've just kept using his email address, not really thinking I needed my own. Like a pp, I never thought this would bug anyone. I have created my own email account a few years ago, mostly for professional emails only.

[LD92599]

I find it odd that alot mention using work email accounts! Shouldn’t that be for work related business only? Email addresses are free, generally, so why rely on a work account?

[abh5e8]

I find it odd that alot mention using work email accounts! Shouldn’t that be for work related business only? Email addresses are free, generally, so why rely on a work account?I agree! I don't use my work email for anything personal. I don't even check work email outside if my work computer (desktop).

Dh and I have never shared email or FB or anything. I guess I don't mind if people do, but I would never want to. Our email use is pretty much all bills or church or kids activities related. I tend to use texts, calls and lunches to keep up with friends.

[ahisma]

My inlaws are in their 80s and do this, doesn't phase me.

Both BILs do this with their wives though, and it drives me nuts. One is intentional, the other is a SIL who insists on reading all of BIL's emails. I don't even have anything private to say, but it's baffling to me that DH can't email one of his brothers privately. I understand the benefits of a joint account, but don't understand not having a means to having private converastions

I have no desire to read DH's email. Both of us know each other's passwords to our personal accounts - it's not that we're keeping secrets. I did use his email a few years ago to contact his boss when he had a heart attack.

ETA: We absolutely do not share access to work email accounts with each other. Mine is used exclusively for work, and I assume his is as well. It would be an ethical breach for either of us to share that access.

[khm]

I don't use my work email for non-work. Like, at all. My husband probably doesn't even have my work email in his computer. It is the same as my personal email jsmith @ "work" and jsmith @ gmail. So, I really don't want them getting confused in anyone's address books / auto-fill settings.

But, yes, lots of people do seem to give out their work addresses on the sports lists I see. Shrug. I don't mind juggling multiple separate accounts - as I'm all about keeping that stuff separate, but others apparently like using one and only one email address. I'm sure their are certain industries that wouldn't encourage that, but it appears many do not care.