Go to the memorial service or not?

[wencit]

One of my cousins died by suicide over the weekend. I just found out about it last night, and there will be a memorial service for him this Saturday, which will be held across the country from where I live. Normally, I would go and support family. However, a good friend whom I have not seen in 6 years is visiting me this Saturday. She lives on the opposite coast, so this would be the first time I've seen her since I moved. We have been planning this for months.

Should I cancel the visit with my friend and attend my cousin's memorial service? I was not that close to my cousin, nor am I particularly close to the sister he left behind. We are friendly, but we didn't see each other that much growing up - maybe less than a handful of times? My parents and my sister will definitely be attending the service, as is the rest of my extended family. I absolutely adore my friend, but then again, my cousin is family... Would I be a horrible person if I skipped the service due to my friend's visit?

[Kindra178]

Nope! Send lovely, heartfelt card(s) to anyone in his immediate family that you think might appreciate it. Donate whatever you can afford to whatever “in lieu of flowers” charity they support. I’m sorry for your loss.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

Nope! Send lovely, heartfelt card(s) to anyone in his immediate family that you think might appreciate it. Donate whatever you can afford to whatever “in lieu of flowers” charity they support. I’m sorry for your loss.


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Totally agree. I had to miss the funeral of an extended family member recently and that’s what I did. Everyone understood.
((((Hugs))))


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[KpbS]

Since it is not close-by (driving distance for the day) and you already have made long-anticipated and not easily rescheduled plans for the day, I would decline. Send a heartfelt card, leave a thoughtful voicemail, etc. and plan to see your sister and parents another visit.

[TwinFoxes]

I will say go. Death by suicide is still an isolating event. All those people who would normally show up for a funeral don't. If it had been a car crash, lots of people would show...suicide, they stay away. You're not an awful person if you don't go, but I really think your presence will mean a lot.

[georgiegirl]

Skip. You are far away and you weren’t close. I was just in a similar situation (death of cousin in his 20s but to drugs). I didn’t attend his memorial service and no one in the family expected me to go.

[JustMe]

No, you are not a horrible person if you don't go. I think it is okay not to go given the distance, and especially since your parents and sisters are attending. Maybe make a donation in her name (if you think the family would like that)/and or a handwritten message to the family.

[mom2binsd]

You are not close to the family, it's not even graphically close, so even if you were closer, going cross country for a funeral is just not expected, less so when you are not close. Enjoy your time with your friend, it is very sad to lose someone no matter the cause, but you and your friend have had these plans for a long time.

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[klwa]

I agree with the others. Send a note/flowers/memorial & stay home. My long distance cousins didn't come in when my mom died & I didn't go to my cousin in Oklahoma's funeral. It just wasn't expected.

[nfceagles]

My extended family never expects people to drop everything and spend lots of money on cross country trips for family events such as weddings and funerals. I think a card and donation are fine.


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[California]

I'm so sorry to hear that your cousin was in a such a dark place he thought this was the only way out. I agree with others that staying home is alright, considering you only have a few days notice. There is comfort in gathering together after a tragedy. There is also comfort in having the loss recognized when the shock is over. If you can't attend now, could you make a visit later on in the year to comfort your cousin? She may need her cousins now more than ever before, to be reminded that she still has family, if not a sibling, who care and love for her.

[Gracemom]

After my father's funeral, my mother could not remember which family members were there and which ones were not. But she saved and re-read every card sent to her. I would write a heartfelt card and spend time with your friend.

[chlobo]

After my father's funeral, my mother could not remember which family members were there and which ones were not. But she saved and re-read every card sent to her. I would write a heartfelt card and spend time with your friend.

I agree. I could not remember who attended my father's funeral, safe a few close people.

[klwa]

There is also comfort in having the loss recognized when the shock is over. If you can't attend now, could you make a visit later on in the year to comfort your cousin? She may need her cousins now more than ever before, to be reminded that she still has family, if not a sibling, who care and love for her.

I agree with this as well. When my mom died, everyone crowded around us for the first week or so, and then everyone else dropped back into their normal routine. A month later, some friends sent a group card so I'd know they had been thinking about me. Honestly, I remember a few of the people who were there right after, but I was in so much shock that it didn't really sink in. That one card that came later, reminding me that they were thinking about me & praying for me, meant as much as all the earlier gestures combined. So, while I'd send something now, I'd try to visit or at least send a thinking of you card later, too.

[dogmom]

Honestly, the best thing you can do is put a reminder in your calendar for next year and make sure you send a card/letter saying how you are thinking of your cousin on the anniversary. The closest family members will be thinking of it, but no one else.