Neighbor is pissed we put up a fence

[boltfam]

We put up a fence between our house and our neighbor 1) bc we have toddler twins 2) bc we like our privacy, and their kids would just wander into our yard and would pester my kids, destroy our property, etc. we decided for the good of our family that a fence was necessary.

Everything came together quickly, so the fence started going up while they were on vacation. I didn't want them to come home to a fence, so I sent her a message just letting her know that we were putting up a fence and stating that we were doing it to keep our kids in our yard.

We had our lot professionally surveyed and had a contractor install the fence.

She responded by saying that she didn't want it close to her swingset (which is about 6 inches off the property line 1) because it's dangerous ( even though it runs in the same direction their kids would be swinging) 2) because they didn't want to lose all that space. If the fence is on our property, that "extra space" was ours all along.

Anyway, she's pissed, won't talk to me, is telling her kids they won't go over here anymore, and is telling all the neighbors about her displeasure.

Dh told me not to engage because she's being unreasonable, but I really hate this conflict. I don't mind if her kids come over but I want it to be on my terms. Any advice as to how to proceed?

[zukeypur]

She shouldn’t have put the swing set so close to the property line. What you do on your property is your business.

[trcy]

She shouldn’t have put the swing set so close to the property line. What you do on your property is your business.
ITA.


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[jgenie]

She shouldn’t have put the swing set so close to the property line. What you do on your property is your business.

I agree. I would just ignore her. She’ll get over it or maybe she won’t but you didn’t do anything wrong.


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[sariana]

As long as your community has no restrictions against fences, it's pretty much too bad for her. It's no fun having negative relations with neighbors, though. I hope she gets over it quickly.

[mmsmom]

Her swing set is likely in violation of required setbacks. Even so, not worth engaging. If it comes up I would repeat what you have already said... you put up fence to keep your children in your yard for their safety. You did what is best for your family and you do not owe her or anyone else any further explanation. You did the courteous thing by letting her know before she came home to see it.

[JElaineB]

Your husband is right, just don't engage.

[Snow mom]

I'm sorry, neighbor issues are no fun. As long as you are secure that you had the land properly surveyed and followed any required setback I wouldn't engage. She almost certainly shouldn't have installed her swingset so close to the property line (although sometimes setbacks don't apply to swingset because they are "temporary" structures). I wouldn't engage her or tell her that her swing set is in the wrong place, I would just feel secure knowing it.

[niccig]

We put up a fence between our house and our neighbor 1) bc we have toddler twins 2) bc we like our privacy, and their kids would just wander into our yard and would pester my kids, destroy our property, etc. we decided for the good of our family that a fence was necessary.

Everything came together quickly, so the fence started going up while they were on vacation. I didn't want them to come home to a fence, so I sent her a message just letting her know that we were putting up a fence and stating that we were doing it to keep our kids in our yard.

We had our lot professionally surveyed and had a contractor install the fence.

She responded by saying that she didn't want it close to her swingset (which is about 6 inches off the property line 1) because it's dangerous ( even though it runs in the same direction their kids would be swinging) 2) because they didn't want to lose all that space. If the fence is on our property, that "extra space" was ours all along.

Anyway, she's pissed, won't talk to me, is telling her kids they won't go over here anymore, and is telling all the neighbors about her displeasure.

Dh told me not to engage because she's being unreasonable, but I really hate this conflict. I don't mind if her kids come over but I want it to be on my terms. Any advice as to how to proceed?

“She didn’t want to lose all that space”.. you mean she didn’t want to lose access to your yard her kids play on as they put the swing set 6” off property line!!!

As long as fence is on your property, it should be fine


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[georgiegirl]

Her swing set is likely in violation of required setbacks. Even so, not worth engaging. If it comes up I would repeat what you have already said... you put up fence to keep your children in your yard for their safety. You did what is best for your family and you do not owe her or anyone else any further explanation. You did the courteous thing by letting her know before she came home to see it.

This exactly! She has some nerve to tell you that she’s upset she’s losing all that extra space, which is your property.


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[niccig]

I’d just ignore her. If anyone mentions it to you, tell them you did it keep your toddler twins safely in the yard and it was put on YOUR property etc. she’ll probably continue to be mad as they’ve lost your yard as a play space, but other people will forget about it.

I think you only have to discuss a fence with neighbors when it’s smack on the property line.


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[elbenn]

This exactly! She has some nerve to tell you that she’s upset she’s losing all that extra space, which is your property.


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I totally agree with this. She is being very unreasonable and I bet all the neighbors she's complaining about also think she's unreasonable (even if they don't tell her that).

[hillview]

I guess I have a slightly different point of view. In hindsight I might have talked to her about doing it before you did it but it is done now. It may have taken her off guard. I would engage with her and plan my words carefully. I would bring her a bottle of wine, say that you are sorry if it caused any ill will, that was not your intention. I would try to clear the air and while I would not apologize for the fence I would let her know that you had no bad intentions that you were worried about your kids being safe if out of your eyesight and that you might get a dog down the line (or whatever). AKA it's not them it's you. A little peace branch could help a long term neighbor situation. If she doesn't bite well you tried and you can walk away.

[elbenn]

I guess I have a slightly different point of view. In hindsight I might have talked to her about doing it before you did it but it is done now. It may have taken her off guard. I would engage with her and plan my words carefully. I would bring her a bottle of wine, say that you are sorry if it caused any ill will, that was not your intention. I would try to clear the air and while I would not apologize for the fence I would let her know that you had no bad intentions that you were worried about your kids being safe if out of your eyesight and that you might get a dog down the line (or whatever). AKA it's not them it's you. A little peace branch could help a long term neighbor situation. If she doesn't bite well you tried and you can walk away.

This is fine advice. It's totally not necessary, but for the sake of trying to smooth things out with a neighbor, this would be a good approach. She is definitely being the unreasonable one, but since you are next door neighbors, you might think it's worth a try to smooth things over.

[ChicagoNDMom]

2 thoughts/questions:

1. Did you fence your whole back yard or just the lot line that adjoins her property?

2. If her swing set is 6 inches from your new fence, be prepared for damage to your fence from her kids as they swing/play around the swing set.

[KpbS]

Well, I am a gal who loves fences and privacy in general. I think it is totally A-ok that you put up a fence and of course, didn't need to ask her/tell her in advance.

I think it will blow over given time. Yes, you need a fence for your toddlers and it is an added bonus that her kids won't be running around your backyard anymore without at least asking, I hope.

I would not engage her and assume that neighbors would certainly be understanding of your needs/desires to fence your yard.

[boltfam]

2 thoughts/questions:

1. Did you fence your whole back yard or just the lot line that adjoins her property?

2. If her swing set is 6 inches from your new fence, be prepared for damage to your fence from her kids as they swing/play around the swing set.

We only did by their lot line bc another neighbor our property backs up to already had a fence, and we have a big lot and can't afford to fence the whole thing now, which I explained to her. And I told her my twins kept going in her yard bc they were attracted to her swingset. We're actually still looking at fencing more of it.

Oh yeah, it will get damaged. Her kids were kicking it, so my 7 yo daughter asked them to stop, and their mom told them it was fine.

[twowhat?]

We only did by their lot line bc another neighbor our property backs up to already had a fence, and we have a big lot and can't afford to fence the whole thing now, which I explained to her. And I told her my twins kept going in her yard bc they were attracted to her swingset. We're actually still looking at fencing more of it.

Oh yeah, it will get damaged. Her kids were kicking it, so my 7 yo daughter asked them to stop, and their mom told them it was fine.

Wow...she told her kids it was fine to kick your fence, which is on your property, which you erected to keep your kids safer? Yeah, it's definitely not worth engaging. I just hope she doesn't go out of her way to keep taking stabs at you like that! Unbelievably uncool.

eta: I do like Hillview's approach and would agree that's worth a try.

[AngB]

We only did by their lot line bc another neighbor our property backs up to already had a fence, and we have a big lot and can't afford to fence the whole thing now, which I explained to her. And I told her my twins kept going in her yard bc they were attracted to her swingset. We're actually still looking at fencing more of it.

Oh yeah, it will get damaged. Her kids were kicking it, so my 7 yo daughter asked them to stop, and their mom told them it was fine.

Oh boy. She sounds like a real winner.

[boltfam]

I guess I have a slightly different point of view. In hindsight I might have talked to her about doing it before you did it but it is done now. It may have taken her off guard. I would engage with her and plan my words carefully. I would bring her a bottle of wine, say that you are sorry if it caused any ill will, that was not your intention. I would try to clear the air and while I would not apologize for the fence I would let her know that you had no bad intentions that you were worried about your kids being safe if out of your eyesight and that you might get a dog down the line (or whatever). AKA it's not them it's you. A little peace branch could help a long term neighbor situation. If she doesn't bite well you tried and you can walk away.

Yes, this is what I've been tossing around in my head. I know she's being unreasonable, and I've explained my reasons, but yet, I need to live next to her.

[boltfam]

Wow...she told her kids it was fine to kick your fence, which is on your property, which you erected to keep your kids safer? Yeah, it's definitely not worth engaging. I just hope she doesn't go out of her way to keep taking stabs at you like that! Unbelievably uncool.

eta: I do like Hillview's approach and would agree that's worth a try.

Yes, I can't believe that she's being downright hostile over a fence! I just don't get it.

[Green_Tea]

I guess I have a slightly different point of view. In hindsight I might have talked to her about doing it before you did it but it is done now. It may have taken her off guard. I would engage with her and plan my words carefully. I would bring her a bottle of wine, say that you are sorry if it caused any ill will, that was not your intention. I would try to clear the air and while I would not apologize for the fence I would let her know that you had no bad intentions that you were worried about your kids being safe if out of your eyesight and that you might get a dog down the line (or whatever). AKA it's not them it's you. A little peace branch could help a long term neighbor situation. If she doesn't bite well you tried and you can walk away.

I think this is wise advice.

You are obviously completely within your rights to out up a fence, no question. I do think it's neighborly, though, to mention these things ahead of time. When our old neighbors put up a fence they gave us several weeks notice. They didn't have to tell us at all (and we had a great relationship with them, so not exactly the same situation) but I do think that when you make a cosmetic change to something close a property line that it's common courtesy to give the people on the other side the heads up well in advance. Your neighbor is behaving poorly FOR SURE, but I would be pretty upset if our neighbors told us they were erecting a fence while we were on vacation and it was up by the time we returned. (ETA: I would NEVER tell my kids to kick the fence. She's being very immature.)

You have to live next to these people for the foreseeable future (I assume) so it's worth it to try to smooth things over.

[Momit]

We had a bit of a similar issue. When we bought our house the backyard was not fenced at all. There used to be one - seller took it down because it was in disrepair. We noticed the utilities being marked one day, and the next day my neighbor texted an “oh by the way, we’re putting up a fence.” I wrote back asking what kind, how tall and when. As we went back and forth, things got a little more tense and ended with the husband calling my DH swearing. I think the issue was that our HOA stipulates that before putting up a fence you need to get the ok of anyone whose yard it will touch. My DH is on our HOA board so he knows that, but not everyone does. We tried to give them the benefit of the doubt that they just didn’t know, instead of that they waited until the last minute so we couldn’t object (which is kind of what it seemed like). But it was super tense and awkward for a while. Now that it’s been a couple of years things are mostly better. I hope your situation gets better with time as well.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm a big fan of fences. If my neighbor put one up I'd think "yay, free fence!" Clearly your neighbor does not feel the same way. She sounds a little nutty to me, with the whole "I'd hate to give up all that space" aka your property and not speaking to you. (Trick or treating will be fun this year.)

However, it seems a lot of stuff is second hand. It seems some gossipy neighbors are involved. And are you (and your seven year old) sure she said "it's okay, kick the fence?" I'd be friendly and go about my life and hope she gets a grip. My SIL and BIL got into a epic fence battle, and no matter what they did their neighbor never forgave them for putting up an (HOA-approved) fence. Eventually they moved.

[dogmom]

Well, as someone that had to deal with a crazy neighbor who I WISH I could put up a fence for here is my long term wisdom: Either the wife will get reasonable and it will eventually blow over OR if she is really crazy they will probably eventually get divorced and move out.

[liz]

I'm on your side, friend. She sounds looney tunes. And immature to boot. I would try to be the bigger person and make a peace offering since she is your next door neighbor, but if she rejects it..peace out.

[carolinacool]

My SIL and BIL got into a epic fence battle, and no matter what they did their neighbor never forgave them for putting up an (HOA-approved) fence. Eventually they moved.

This is so strange to me. What would anyone care about a neighbor putting up a fence if it’s not on your property? And it’s HOA-approved? Is it the aesthetics, or the idea that you’re somehow “losing land?“

[abh5e8]

Our last neighbors REALLY didn't want us to put up a fence. But their dogs repeatedly charged my kids in my yard and they were terrified, even after I spoke to the neighbor several times. We did put up the fence, and they were not happy, because the property line was not where you would imagine it to be, but actually it was very close to their house. I honestly didn't mind if their kids wanted to play in"our" side yard, which they often did, but I could not put up with the dogs any more. They eventually for over it, but neighbor drama is stressful.

[TwinFoxes]

This is so strange to me. What would anyone care about a neighbor putting up a fence if it’s not on your property? And it’s HOA-approved? Is it the aesthetics, or the idea that you’re somehow “losing land?“

It's bizarre to me too. I think she liked looking out over the rolling vista (of a random Michigan suburb.) But I also think the neighbor was a little bat-ish crazy. Her own DH didn't back her up in the fight. I saw the fence in question, it was a very nice fence! Not super high, nicely painted, matched the community.

[DualvansMommy]

It’s really annoying you’ve to deal with it. You were perfectly within your right to put up your fence along your boundary.

I’m in a neighborhood where fences aren’t common as most homeowners prefer the openness and lack of fragmented look between our homes and lawns. Each home average anywhere from a acre to an acre to 2 acres of property. So tons of space. The only fences we see around here would be around the pool as per our county laws.

Having that said, my side neighbor already had existing playset fairly close to MY southern boundary line. She told me years ago if we were to put in a pool, fences or anything else just to give her a heads up. A lot of people think that playset is ours cuz of how close it sits to our property, so it’s bit annoying to me but I can deal. Your neighbor certainly can.


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[boltfam]

Thank you all for the commiseration. Neighbor issues are hard. 😜

I took hillview's advice. DH and I went over there with a bouquet of flowers and asked if everything's okay between us. Her dh did most of the talking and just said it was hard not being here to see it (which I get) but said he thinks it looks nice and it's fine now. So, I think things have smoothed over. Whew...glad to be through that!

[California]

Good for you and your DH! You handled that well, and it sounds like her DH did too. Hopefully this'll keep things calm, and it sounds like the fence will be an improvement for you all as her kids won't be wandering into your yard.

[JustMe]

Great update! I am happy for you. It is so hard when neighbors are difficult, and am glad they are going to calm down.

[hillview]

hurray! such a great outcome nice work I am sure it wasn't easy!

[boltfam]

hurray! such a great outcome nice work I am sure it wasn't easy!
It wasn't! But dh and I feel so much better. I think things are smoother over, but even if not, we know we did all we could.

[squimp]

Good for you for trying to smooth things over. She sounds so immature. Don't they say good fences make for good neighbors?