What to say to school administrator

[boltfam]

My son was diagnosed with very high functioning autism last summer. We’ve always suspected it but his teachers never did because he didn’t shoe the same behaviors at school as that he did at home. He struggles socially as far as making and keeping friends but gets along with kids fine for the most part.

He is ultra competitive in sports and often butts heads with another boy in his grade ( who is the “cool kid” in his grade). We’ve had a couple emails home from his teacher explaining that there was an issue not faulting ds- just explaining that there had been an issue, telling both sides of the issue, and that it had been dealt with.

My kids go to a small, private k-12 school with a k-5 principal, a 6-12 principal, and then an administrator that oversees both principals. This boy that my son butts heads with is the administaror’s son. On Friday, my son’s grade went on a whole-day field trip, and my husband went with as a chaperone. This boy was in my son’s group on the field trip, and all the kids in the group were getting along fine. About an hour or so into the field trip, ds’s teacher comes up to dh and says, “I got a call from the administrator requesting that his son not be in your son’s group for the field trip.” Dh told the teacher he thought that was ridiculous and that the boys were getting along fine, so they ended up keeping the group together.

dh wasn’t going to tell me this happened because he know it would upset me. I AM upset by this, mostly because I feel like the administrator should be setting an example of acceptance and love for those that are different. Dh and I are planning on talking to the administrator and asking him if there are issues we are not aware of and deciding what else to say from there, but does anyone else think this was really unnecessary and inappropriate?

I feel feel like this is an issue that definitely needs to be addressed, because at this point, I’m ready to find a new school for next year. However, I’m worried that by bringing this particular issue up we might get the teacher in trouble because he told dh about the call from the administrator. I really like ds’s teacher and feel bad for him because he was in an awkward position, but I don’t feel like I can talk to the administrator without talking about what happened. Advice?

[icunurse]

Do you feel comfortable enough to speak with the teacher first? Maybe he can give you some insight into things before heading to the administrator. And, if you do go higher than the teacher, can you speak to the principal before the administrator? I feel as though the administrator is the parent in this problem and, unless you'd go straight to a parent for a problem at school, you should use your other resources.

Additionally, I don't think that the problem is automatically directly linked to your son's autism. The kids are butting heads. Maybe the Dad just didn't want to deal with any potential fighting (especially because of his role at the school). I'd feel that way about any fighting between my child and another student, even if the other child was dealing with issues.

[smilequeen]

You will get the teacher in trouble. He never should have said anything about the call. He should have either separated them on his own or I suppose, kept them together and explained to the administrator that things were fine between them. If you want to approach the administrator I would probably go with the premise of "our boys butt heads a lot, maybe we can brainstorm ideas to help them get along". Not everyone needs to like everyone else, but you can learn to treat people well no matter what.

I also don't necessarily think that s/he didn't want them in the same group because of your son's diagnosis, but simply because they tend to butt heads.

[AngB]

So to me, reading this, I don't see how your son's dx is really relevant unless you think he didn't want to be with him because of that, which I highly doubt.

Boy A and Boy B often "butt heads" and have issues. It doesn't seem like a great idea that they were in the same group to start. It would have made more sense for this to have been addressed BEFORE the day started but since it was going well with no problems, no big deal to leave them be.

I don't think it is a big deal that they requested them not be in the same group together, based on their history. I don't really see anything to be fired up about here.

[AngB]

^All of that being said, this small, private school thing is not something I'm experienced with, but I would have serious qualms about my child being in this school with a kid he had issues with regularly that was basically the superintendent's son equivalent to the public school world. Is there only one class per grade level? If there are two classes, I would make sure they are separated for next school year. And if that wasn't an option, I don't know that I would continue there.

[dogmom]

I think the issue here is you don’t know the intent of the separation request. I could completely see it being something like “I’m the administrator, my son and this kid doesn’t get along all the time, the kids father is chaperoning and that could make things better or worse, why don’t I just save myself a headache and micromanage this situation so nothing happens.” I think that is the benign interpretation. It could run the gambit all the way up to the administrator taking his sons side and trying to get your son out of the school. His diagnosis could have everything nothing to do with this. I think the best thing to do would be to keep an eye out for issues, but don’t be biased. If your son is happy at the school and they are doing a good job at his education I would just stay there. You could do a lot worse. Having said that I could see me getting all worked up on my kids behalf also, so I think your initial reaction is understandable.

[doberbrat]

I can see why you'd be upset but I really dont think it was anything specifically about your son or not wanting his kid near yours. The kids often rub each other the wrong way; its definitely a good idea to separate them for a field trip. Just save everyone the Potential for hassle. I do think it should have been done quietly and before the trip started.

[TwinFoxes]

You will get the teacher in trouble. He never should have said anything about the call. He should have either separated them on his own or I suppose, kept them together and explained to the administrator that things were fine between them. If you want to approach the administrator I would probably go with the premise of "our boys butt heads a lot, maybe we can brainstorm ideas to help them get along". Not everyone needs to like everyone else, but you can learn to treat people well no matter what.

I also don't necessarily think that s/he didn't want them in the same group because of your son's diagnosis, but simply because they tend to butt heads.

I agree with this word for word. And really, what was the teacher thinking?

[mackmama]

The teacher overstepped. However, it doesn't sound like this had to do with your son's dx. Sounds like the admin's intention was likely a preventative measure to avoid further conflict between the boys. Is there a reason you're thinking it's about the dx?

[specialp]

Agreeing with Smilequeen and TwinFoxes. It was not an inappropriate request imo, but how the teacher handled it was. Kids who butt heads often get along great until they don't and then then it goes downhill quick. On field trips, everyone acts hyper and crazy being away together and off routine and pretty normal to group kids in a way that will not sour the experience for everyone. There was enough history there that I'm surprised the teacher didn't do it on his own.

[KpbS]

I would say nothing to anyone. I know that's hard, but it is over, the boys got along fine, no current problem. I get your frustration, I really do. I think you will need to pick your battles in the future and would save the tough topics and confrontation for another time if needed. :hug:

[Kindra178]

I would say nothing to anyone. I know that's hard, but it is over, the boys got along fine, no current problem. I get your frustration, I really do. I think you will need to pick your battles in the future and would save the tough topics and confrontation for another time if needed. :hug:

This. 100 times over. Kids are separated on field trips all the time - best friends who never fight are separated, kids who tend to get in trouble together are separated, kids who don’t get along are separated. Even my twins are often separated on buses! It’s really to make it as easy as possible on the parent chaperone. You saying something puts anyone you speak with on the defensive. And what answer are you hoping to get? This has nothing to do with the fact that the admin had pull. Any parent could have made a request or a teacher could have thought it best.


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[klwa]

Honestly, I think the administrator did the right thing at the wrong time. If I had gotten to the school as chaperone and seen that a kid my child has issues with was in my group, I would have spoken with the teacher about how the groups came to be. It sounds like these two having issues is known by the the school in which case, it's not fair to the chaperone handling it to have to deal with their issues if there's a different way to split the groups. Now if the boys CHOSE to be together would be a different story. If the administrator had spoken with the teacher before groups were assigned, then no one would have been the wiser.

I HAVE emailed teachers before to give them a heads up about potential conflicts with my kids and asked where possible to keep them in different groups from the other half of the problem. Not because I think my child is innocent in it but because I know that life will go smoother for everyone.

[BunnyBee]

The teacher shouldn’t have put them in the same group to begin with. That was just asking for trouble to start in the uncontrolled environment of a field trip. The teacher also shouldn’t have said anything to your husband. The administrator could have made that request as a parent or as an admin when she found out about the group setups. Unless she moved her son to a more advantageous position, she wasn’t abusing her role.

[boltfam]

Thank you all for your responses and perspectives. I've been mulling over this and got the opinion of a trusted friend whose child also had high functioning autism and also attends the school.

I honestly don't think I would have had a problem with the administrator asking that our sons be separated before the field trip. I wouldn't have known, so there wouldn't have been a chance for an issue. ;) On the flip side, if another parent beside the administrator would have asked to have our sons separated, I would be hurt but not necessarily concerned. I feel like the administrator used his power as administrator to act as a concerned parent, which is what I find inappropriate. No other parent would have texted DURING the field trip (I found out it was a text) and asked to have his/her child split from the group.

I understand the idea of separating kids. I was a teacher, and I was careful about who I placed with whom. I am in contact with DS's teacher, and he deals with these boys everyday, so I trust his judgment. I feel like the administrator put the teacher in an awkward spot, because the kids were all in groups of four, and he couldn't really just switch my son's group up without some sort of explanation. My husband was the chaperone along with another mom, and they would have figured out there was something amiss and so would the kids in the group.

My biggest concern is that this is a small school, there is one class per grade, there are eleven boys in his grade, and that's how it will be through high school if we stay there. My personal take is that they need to learn how to get along. I don't expect them to be friends, but as a pp pointed out, they need to learn to treat each other well no matter what. Due to DS's autism, we need to work on social skills with him ad nauseam. The teacher emailed us about one issue this year, so as far as we knew, the issue had been worked through. I feel like my son has a target on him now, and what recourse do we have when we're dealing with the administrator?

Against some of your opinions, we did request a meeting and planned to approach it as, "hey, what can we do to help our boys get along well enough that they can each enjoy school". When we requested the meeting, he asked us if it was as an administrator or as a parent, and honestly, I feel like he muddied those lines. If we meet as parents, then yes, I agree the principal should be present, but he's her boss, so....

I'm trying to keep this from getting personal, but I do know the administrator and his wife on a personal level, and I find them to be very narrow-minded, which is why I think this has to do with my sons' social struggles (not necessarily his diagnosis).

That was long and rambly, but I guess i just need to know from the administrator that he can separate his role as administrator and parent going forward.

[KpbS]

Well, a meeting is fine, but I really would NOT say anything about having knowledge of their request to separate for/during the fieldtrip. That just seems like a can of worms and water under the bridge. Yes, the admin probably used his position to influence (or try to influence) the field trip grouping.

Instead, just focus on how the boys can get along better. Do they have any common interests? Could you meet up for an out of school activity like bowling or playing at the park and let them have some time with positive interactions? This is the approach I would take. Focus on making things friendlier for the boys and letting them "bury the hatchet."

[boltfam]

Well, a meeting is fine, but I really would NOT say anything about having knowledge of their request to separate for/during the fieldtrip. That just seems like a can of worms and water under the bridge. Yes, the admin probably used his position to influence (or try to influence) the field trip grouping.

Instead, just focus on how the boys can get along better. Do they have any common interests? Could you meet up for an out of school activity like bowling or playing at the park and let them have some time with positive interactions? This is the approach I would take. Focus on making things friendlier for the boys and letting them "bury the hatchet."

Those are great suggestions, and we're not planning on bringing up the field trip, though I think he already knows that we know.

The problem is that years ago, we invited this boy over to our house, and his mom responded that he didn't want to come and she wasn't going to make him. The administrator suggested his wife be at the meeting, and I get why, but this experience makes me wonder if they're going to be willing to work in their end of things.

[JBaxter]

I would not make my child have a play date with a child he didn't like or get along with and my response would have probably been similar. I wouldn't force a friendship but focus on ways to be civil to each other. Over the years my 4 have had kids in their class they didn't get along with for various reasons. I told them they were not to be mean or unkind but they also didn't have to be friends. I'm with many of the others if 2 children dont get along they should not be in the same groups for outings and field trips.

[DualvansMommy]

I would not make my child have a play date with a child he didn't like or get along with and my response would have probably been similar. I wouldn't force a friendship but focus on ways to be civil to each other. Over the years my 4 have had kids in their class they didn't get along with for various reasons. I told them they were not to be mean or unkind but they also didn't have to be friends. I'm with many of the others if 2 children dont get along they should not be in the same groups for outings and field trips.

I agree with that. I would use your upcoming meeting to focus on kind approach for your kids to take. Yours and theirs. Especially more so if you’re decided to stick it out with the school for years to come.

There will be more opportunities for your son to meet


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