Lying

[PunkyBoo]

DS2 has ADHD (major impulse control issues) and high functioning autism. I've told his teachers and others that "he's not a reliable storyteller" (thank you BBB for that euphemism, it has served me well). Thank goodness, he's doing great in school so far this year, but the constant lying is wearing me out. We had been going to a therapist for CBT to help with his social skills, but he's been doing well enough that we've cut back on those appointments. He lies about EVERYTHING. Granted, I remember when I was his age and I lied a lot (yes mom, I brushed my teeth... Oh, I guess I forgot to do the chores you asked me to do... I don't feel well, I should stay home from school...) But I'm having such a hard time with DS2's constant lying, I'm actually starting to think he really doesn't grasp what truth is. What can we do to try to curb this? Would CBT help? Other therapy? He won't admit he's lying even when he gets busted.

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[legaleagle]

How old is he?

[PunkyBoo]

He's almost 10.

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[Percycat]

following

[ArizonaGirl]

DS2 has ADHD (major impulse control issues) and high functioning autism. I've told his teachers and others that "he's not a reliable storyteller" (thank you BBB for that euphemism, it has served me well). Thank goodness, he's doing great in school so far this year, but the constant lying is wearing me out. We had been going to a therapist for CBT to help with his social skills, but he's been doing well enough that we've cut back on those appointments. He lies about EVERYTHING. Granted, I remember when I was his age and I lied a lot (yes mom, I brushed my teeth... Oh, I guess I forgot to do the chores you asked me to do... I don't feel well, I should stay home from school...) But I'm having such a hard time with DS2's constant lying, I'm actually starting to think he really doesn't grasp what truth is. What can we do to try to curb this? Would CBT help? Other therapy? He won't admit he's lying even when he gets busted.

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I could write your post word for word right down to the age and diagnoses.

No advice just commiseration because DS will lie even when we have told him he won't be in trouble, we just want the truth.

[Percycat]

I was hoping a wise person had a simple solution to this problem and would share..... I don't know how to stop the lying, but I have been reading about ADD and Lying and have come to a belief that DS will grow out of it. I regularly confront him with the lie and show him the natural consequences of his lying (I have less trust, other adults -- who could be references -- have less trust, my fear that if I can't trust him with little things, how can I trust him with big things) and show him how the lie didn't change the outcome of the original problem (missing homework is still missing). I also step back and ask what he could have done differently to prevent the situation that resulting in him thinking he needed to lie. Most of our issues involve homework -- we have an Alexa reminder to check his planner and will ask him to show us his work-- although, even with the reminder, we are not very consistent.

I try to have a growth mindset and accept that 'we are not there yet', while at the same time reinforcing the importance of telling the truth for character and reputation. These articles from Understood.org are helpful in understanding why kids lie.

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/teens-with-adhd-and-lying

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/adhd-and-lying-what-you-need-to-know

and more at psychologytoday.com:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201002/adhd-and-honest-lies-0

[MSWR0319]

My newly turned 10 year old lies too. It drives me nuts!!

ETA: His friends lie as well. There must be something with the age. He has a friend who is constantly telling him he's on a flag football team. Each week DS asks him about his games (because he knows he's lying and is being ornery) and his friend is constantly changing what teams he's on. His friend even knows that DS goes to the games because DS2 plays and still lies straight to his face.

[magnoliaparadise]

Yes, the lying drives me insane. Sometimes my kids will take cookies from drawers without asking (which they know that they should) and I will see that they took them and calmly ask them about it and then they lie about not having taken them. ARGHHHH.

Here is an article that says that kids lying is correlated with intelligence, so there is some good news :).

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/05/opinion/sunday/children-lying-intelligence.html

[wendibird22]

My neurotypical 11 yr old DD is a chronic liar, and she's not good at it. Her response to any confrontation is "I don't know" or "It wasn't me." It's infuriating. We try natural consequences and also talk about trust and maturity. You want an iPhone? Show me you can be mature and trustworthy. You want to be able to stay home alone? How does your lying to me make me trust you with that responsibility? She's been this way since she was a toddler.

[legaleagle]

My highly intelligent neurotypical 10 year old is terrible liar though he does it all the time, about such stupid stuff. He's been like this for a couple years, I think. I think some of it really is the age!

On the other hand, my ADHD 8 year old couldn't lie his way out of a paper bag.