When your child hates school...how to handle?

[georgiegirl]

DS1 is in 4th grade. He says he hates school. He’s said that all year. This has never been an issue before. While he may not have loved school, he never complained about it and always had a positive attitude. He’s very bright, especially in math. I don’t think he’s being challenged this year (he was pulled out a couple of times a week last year and given extension work.). He has ADHD, but he has never had behavior issues at school until this year. His teacher’s main complaint is that he’s chatty, that he talks when it’s not appropriate and that he distracts other kids with his chattiness. (I did up his med dosage about a month into school, and that reduced the chattiness for a while.) His teacher seems super sweet, and I’ve been in contact with her about his ADHD, behavior issues, and negative attitude about school. I’m 99% certain it’s not a friend/bullying issue. He has lots of friends and he says he enjoys recess.

I’m at a loss with how to handle the situation.


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[ArizonaGirl]

I wish I had a magical answer, my DS is in 4th and hates school.
He has autism and ADHD and is in a self-contained classroom. His IQ is very high and I think he just does the bare minimum but has no patience for sitting there doing the work.

I have just told him that school is his job and he doesn't have to like it (just like I sometimes don't like work), but he has to do it.

It's not great, but I don't really have any other answer to give him.

[SnuggleBuggles]

What is it about 4th Grade? It was a negative turning point for ds2 with his enjoyment of school. He told me he has learned enough and has no need to go to school. Like your kiddo, he has friends and does well in school. He is absolutely baffled by how his older brother loves school. I wish I had an answer but I guess mine doesn’t really impact the day so I just give pep talks (no struggle getting him to, he just doesn’t like it).


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[MSWR0319]

Oh my. I have a 4th grader as well who hates it. He was just complaining tonight that he doesn't want to go, it's too easy, he wants to learn, etc. Like PP, I just tell him it's something he has to do. Tomorrow he won't like school because he has music class. The reasons change based on the day!

[jennilynn]

Joining the crowd here...I, too, have a fourth grader who started saying he hates school. He’s super smart and makes straight As and has a few friends. Part of it I’m sure is boredom. Started the first week of school and I chalked it up to review in class and GT not having started yet. But he’s been saying it again recently and I’m stumped. I told him school is not optional but he can work on his attitude toward it and focus on what he does like.


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[georgiegirl]

It sounds like it’s a trend. DS1 loves to learn. He’s really into studying for the geography bee, like he will read the atlas and take notes for hours. But he hates school. I asked him what specifically was wrong, and he said they spent a long time talking about parenthesis and he already knows about that. And the math is way too easy. It’s so disappointing to me because I feel like he would like it more if he were more stimulated.

[Kindra178]

My fourth graders would be thrilled if I told them they would never have to go back again. I think boys hate school.


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[georgiegirl]

. I think boys hate school.


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Do you feel like school is somehow designed to grind boys down? DS1 was totally fine every other year.

[marinkitty]

I think 4th/5th is when they start to say things like this. My now 8th grade son started to say he hates school in 5th. My younger son (now in 5th) is REALLY saying it this year but started to say it just a little last year. Our school district transitions the kids right at this age (K-4, 5-6, 7-8) so that's probably part of it here, but it is all too common around here. Both my boys have lots of friends and are good students who don't have disciplinary problems. But yet, that's their party line.

My DD didn't go through this - she still likes school in 10th grade. Just not the pressure/stress and huge homework load.

[carolinamama]

Add my DS2 to the list of 4th grade boys who hate school. DS2 has never loved school, but it was bearable. He does well academically and has lots of friends. I really feel like he will never love school so we talk frequently about not always liking what we need to do and how school can be a means to an end. He's been very fortunate in teacher assignments in the past but this year, I can see why he is struggling with his teacher. Thus we talk about how we don't always like our bosses, coaches, co-workers and teachers but we still need to make the best of it, follow the rules and take responsibility for our own success.

[TwinFoxes]

If I told my school hating DD she'd never have to go again, it would be the happiest day of her life. It's such a challenge for me because I loooved school. I can't relate at all. It's so frustrating when her teacher tells me "I gave out extra credit sheets and DD is the only one who finished and got 100%". And then other times she doesn't even try.

[westwoodmom04]

I think it is a couple different things. Some schools do not start to really differentiate by ability until 5 th or 6 th grade, and kids are bored. Some school activities that were fun in lower elementary now seem babyish. Kids go all day with just one me recess. These are temporary issues, schools start to offer after school sports in middle school, there are honors or other advanced classes available, etc..

All that said, my fifth grader loves school, mostly because he is at a school that offers two long recesses, gym every day, and lots of opportunities to move around, woodworking as a subject, etc. . . He attends an all boys schools but some charters adopt similar philosophies. It isn’t school most kids hate, but sitting at a desk all day. At my daighter’s public elementary, the teachers started taking the kids for walks outside several times a day, beginning in third grade, just to burn off some of the kids extra energy and get them fresh air.

[umsh]

My fourth graders would be thrilled if I told them they would never have to go back again. I think boys hate school.


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My 4th graders are girls and they hate school too. [emoji38]


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[mom2binsd]

I find this very interesting, my son who is 12 and his close buddies all love school. They are good students, and they play sports outside of school, a few are on Jr. High baseball or basketball teams, but they just seem to enjoy school, especially the bis ride and hang out outside of school quite a bit. What is it that your kids don't like about school?

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[georgiegirl]

I find this very interesting, my son who is 12 and his close buddies all love school. They are good students, and they play sports outside of school, a few are on Jr. High baseball or basketball teams, but they just seem to enjoy school, especially the bis ride and hang out outside of school quite a bit. What is it that your kids don't like about school?

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According to DS1, he gets in trouble all the time (which I interpret as he’s reprimanded for chatting with his friends when he shouldn’t), it’s boring (he’s really bright), and they get recess taken away for not behaving (I’ve addressed this with the principal but need to revisit this.). He loves to learn...he’s the type of kid who loves reading non fiction and spent hours reading a book on the geography of Asia the other day. He loved to write stories too. It’s just killing me that a kid this intellectually curious now hates school. (FWIW, he’s about a year advanced in reading and also advanced in math. Plus he’s athletic. On swim team. Has lots of friends, all types of kids. Girls also like him.)


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[bisous]

According to DS1, he gets in trouble all the time (which I interpret as he’s reprimanded for chatting with his friends when he shouldn’t), it’s boring (he’s really bright), and they get recess taken away for not behaving (I’ve addressed this with the principal but need to revisit this.). He loves to learn...he’s the type of kid who loves reading non fiction and spent hours reading a book on the geography of Asia the other day. He loved to write stories too. It’s just killing me that a kid this intellectually curious now hates school. (FWIW, he’s about a year advanced in reading and also advanced in math. Plus he’s athletic. On swim team. Has lots of friends, all types of kids. Girls also like him.)


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Hmm. Here it sounds like maybe it’s something going on at school that is bothering him. He sounds very scholarly. Can you ask other parents if their children are having similar experiences?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Hhmm. following this thread bc i have a DS in 3rd grade who i can totally see heading in that direction soon. also extremely bright kid, has lots of friends, but yes growing very frustrated at certain school policies he tihnks are stupid (like being given 90 seconds to use the restroom, being given only 15 minutes to eat lunch on certain days), and often comes home complaining about how x y or z is "so stupid!".

i do feel bad that kids these days aren't given enough unstructured time or time to eat/play, and everything is go,go,go. i wonder if this negatively affects boys more. my DS does really well when given chance to run around and play outside . sadly it seems like they often dont' get enough time to do that.

[magnoliaparadise]

Interesting thread. I wonder if this says something about our educational system generally if it's so widespread and generally in this age group.

My fifth grade girl hates school, too, intermittently. Some of it has to do with academic stuff and finding the learning just tedious.

A lot of it has to do with social stuff. If she feels she has strong friendships at any given time, she will be happy and go to school (though if allowed to not go to school, she probably would not). If she is having breakdowns with friends or there have been shifts in the girl groups, she will not want to go.

[magnoliaparadise]

...Thus we talk about how we don't always like our bosses, coaches, co-workers and teachers but we still need to make the best of it, follow the rules and take responsibility for our own success.

I like this and how you handle it.

[TwinFoxes]

I find this very interesting, my son who is 12 and his close buddies all love school. They are good students, and they play sports outside of school, a few are on Jr. High baseball or basketball teams, but they just seem to enjoy school, especially the bis ride and hang out outside of school quite a bit. What is it that your kids don't like about school?

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My DD would gladly trade never seeing her classmates for not having to ever sit in class. She is a square peg who hates their round holes. She loves rrading, tests well, hates sitting still, hates not doing her own thing. She’s got an IEP, so she gets things like frequent breaks.

[bisous]

I find this very interesting, my son who is 12 and his close buddies all love school. They are good students, and they play sports outside of school, a few are on Jr. High baseball or basketball teams, but they just seem to enjoy school, especially the bis ride and hang out outside of school quite a bit. What is it that your kids don't like about school?

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My DS2 is 11 and is the same as yours. DS1 loves school too and always has. That said, 4th grade was the only time DS2 really got into trouble a lot. I feel like something changed developmentally for him. He actually had the same teacher for 3rd and 4th grade (she moved up) and she remarked on how differently he behaved in 4th grade than 3rd. It was an interesting perspective.

Just throwing this out there--I feel like topic has come up a lot in a lot of different ways on the board lately. When DS2 started having problems in 4th grade he was allowed 30 minutes per day of Minecraft. I stopped the Minecraft and the problems were radically eliminated. If it sounds like that story seems familiar, we had a small problems on the playground in 2nd grade with DS2. We stopped Minecraft and all were eliminated and he didn't play at all in 3rd grade during which he had no problems. I'm certain there are kids that play Minecraft all day that have no problems at school and kids that never play Minecraft and DO have problems at school but this in our situation it seemed to make a pretty big difference.

[MSWR0319]

According to DS1, he gets in trouble all the time (which I interpret as he’s reprimanded for chatting with his friends when he shouldn’t), it’s boring (he’s really bright), and they get recess taken away for not behaving (I’ve addressed this with the principal but need to revisit this.). He loves to learn...he’s the type of kid who loves reading non fiction and spent hours reading a book on the geography of Asia the other day. He loved to write stories too. It’s just killing me that a kid this intellectually curious now hates school. (FWIW, he’s about a year advanced in reading and also advanced in math. Plus he’s athletic. On swim team. Has lots of friends, all types of kids. Girls also like him.)


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Our sons sound very similar. DS loves to learn. He's constantly coming home saying he's bored (he's reading at a 10th grade level and a few grades ahead in math), which I have addressed but am being told by the gifted coordinator that he's being challenged. Once I have conferences next week with the teacher to see exactly what is being done, we will readdress it. DS doesn't like all of the "rules" because they don't make sense. While I agree with him on them, I told him we have to respect the rules and just deal with them. (Clip gets moved if parent doesn't provide a pencil if they need one, clip gets moved if they go to the bathroom too many times, etc). He just can't stand being "wronged" for lack of better word. He's also on swim team and plays other rec sports. He's a good kid, school is just not what he thinks it should be. I'm sure other kids love it because they don't think it's a repeat of what they have learned or really feel the need to learn more.


Hmm. Here it sounds like maybe it’s something going on at school that is bothering him. He sounds very scholarly. Can you ask other parents if their children are having similar experiences?

I don't think there's necessarily something going on at school. My son is the same way and I know there's nothing going on. He just can't stand the drama, is bored, and thinks if school something doesn't go his way it's wrong. So we're working on the attitude that we can change and teaching him how to walk away from the drama. I will say I remember people telling me 4th grade was a turning point in school. Still not sure why or exactly what they meant, but I can see it.

ETA: DS doesn't play Minecraft or any other video games, BUT I can totally see things like that being an issue. He is allowed an hour on his ipad to play random games and I have noticed a behavior difference when he plays it regularly each day. I take it away for awhile then and lower his time when it does come back. His behavior is more of an issue at home though and no problems at school.

[Philly Mom]

I was told by some moms of older kids that girl drama happens in 1st and second grade and then evens out and boy drama happens in 4th and 5th. I throw that out here because even if socially everything seems fine there may be more stuff happening on the periphery that just makes school a slog to go to.


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[Dream]

My DD is in 5th and last year was when she started saying she hates school. We had moved to a new SD last year so I thought it was because of the change. But she still doesn't like it. She has friends but not close friends. She's chatty and gets distracted a lot and can't stay in one place. Like what PP mentioned, I always tell her, school is not a choice, its mandatory.

[bisous]

I was told by some moms of older kids that girl drama happens in 1st and second grade and then evens out and boy drama happens in 4th and 5th. I throw that out here because even if socially everything seems fine there may be more stuff happening on the periphery that just makes school a slog to go to.


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You know, I think this was true for my two boys. I didn't realize that was typical!

[Kindra178]

We don’t really have any boy drama, but think of life outside of school - hanging out with friends, riding bikes, going to buy candy, playing football in the park, playing sports, hanging out some more, watching movies, playing Fortnite. Now think of school - tests (showing your work even when you know the $&@ answer!!), way too much writing, rules, etc


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[SnuggleBuggles]

We don’t really have any boy drama, but think of life outside of school - hanging out with friends, riding bikes, going to buy candy, playing football in the park, playing sports, hanging out some more, watching movies, playing Fortnite. Now think of school - tests (showing your work even when you know the $&@ answer!!), way too much writing, rules, etc


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Yep. Mine would just rather be doing anything but school. He actually comes home pretty happy every day but he just plain doesn’t like school.


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[umsh]

We don’t really have any boy drama, but think of life outside of school - hanging out with friends, riding bikes, going to buy candy, playing football in the park, playing sports, hanging out some more, watching movies, playing Fortnite. Now think of school - tests (showing your work even when you know the $&@ answer!!), way too much writing, rules, etc


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Yes this is what it likely is for us too. Since I homeschooled my kids for a couple years, then put them in school, they compare the school day experience to a homeschool day, which had so much more free time. I think they just don’t want to have to do things they find boring or uninteresting. Being in the gifted program (took an entire year to jump through the paperwork and testing hoops for that) does help, they do look forward to that class, and thankfully it’s daily.


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[mom2binsd]

I guess my kids school provides them with enough variety that they enjoy the day. We have PE daily, and it seems the teachers at our Jr. high (and elementary as well in the past) are pretty cool, DS often comes home with stories of something neat they've done in science/social studies and as well as the specials. He has study hall/tutorial so hardly ever has homework (our school doesn't believe in giving out busy homework, they only have homework if they haven't really kept up in class or have a test to study for, even then it doesn't seem too much). And our district is very well regarded so it's not like they are just fooling around all day. I guess I'm lucky.

[TwinFoxes]

I guess my kids school provides them with enough variety that they enjoy the day. We have PE daily, and it seems the teachers at our Jr. high (and elementary as well in the past) are pretty cool, DS often comes home with stories of something neat they've done in science/social studies and as well as the specials. He has study hall/tutorial so hardly ever has homework (our school doesn't believe in giving out busy homework, they only have homework if they haven't really kept up in class or have a test to study for, even then it doesn't seem too much). And our district is very well regarded so it's not like they are just fooling around all day. I guess I'm lucky.

Our district is consistently ranked #1 in the country. It’s really mostly a personality thing with DD. I have twins. One still likes school. The other just doesn’t. We even have more recess than last year. They have art, STEAM, (in addition to science) music, AND band. People actively try to move to our district, and it works for a lot of kids, but for the square pegs, it’s hard.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I guess my kids school provides them with enough variety that they enjoy the day. We have PE daily, and it seems the teachers at our Jr. high (and elementary as well in the past) are pretty cool, DS often comes home with stories of something neat they've done in science/social studies and as well as the specials. He has study hall/tutorial so hardly ever has homework (our school doesn't believe in giving out busy homework, they only have homework if they haven't really kept up in class or have a test to study for, even then it doesn't seem too much). And our district is very well regarded so it's not like they are just fooling around all day. I guess I'm lucky.

4th Grade and jr high school can’t compare. :) It’s nice that your kiddo enjoyed 4th and 5th. I’m sure it’s mostly down to personality. My ds1 likes school, ds2 prefers anything else. ;)


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