Breaking up with a "BFF Frenemy"

[alootikki]

My tween DD has had the same "BFF" since babyhood. I've posted about the drama with this friend before - it's always been this rollercoaster of "BFF is mean, the girls stop playing for a while, BFF misses her and acts nice again, rinse, repeat".

After years of encouraging DD to make other friends (she has, to some extent) and thinking that the friendship had matured and was more on equal footing - DD has told me some things and I've observed other behavior that makes me want to seriously cut off the BFF. She's not good for DD's self-esteem, and is not a reliable friend.

What complicates this situation is that we are neighbors (in a small town), good family friends, and the mom and I have the same circle of close friends. I helped DD brainstorm a plan to spend less time with BFF, but eventually the mom will notice and say something.

Any advice on navigating this? I know the family will still be in our lives, and I can handle occasional family get-togethers. But I really want to take the "friendship" for the girls from "BFF" to acquaintance.

[khm]

My tween DD has had the same "BFF" since babyhood. I've posted about the drama with this friend before - it's always been this rollercoaster of "BFF is mean, the girls stop playing for a while, BFF misses her and acts nice again, rinse, repeat".

After years of encouraging DD to make other friends (she has, to some extent) and thinking that the friendship had matured and was more on equal footing - DD has told me some things and I've observed other behavior that makes me want to seriously cut off the BFF. She's not good for DD's self-esteem, and is not a reliable friend.

What complicates this situation is that we are neighbors (in a small town), good family friends, and the mom and I have the same circle of close friends. I helped DD brainstorm a plan to spend less time with BFF, but eventually the mom will notice and say something.

Any advice on navigating this? I know the family will still be in our lives, and I can handle occasional family get-togethers. But I really want to take the "friendship" for the girls from "BFF" to acquaintance.

I've seen a "breakup" take place and it ended badly for both girls, and the moms haven't spoken since. The fallout was bad.

I think you have to just keep doing the gradual pull-back, keep encouraging DD in how good she's doing in pulling back and finding other friends. Keep her super busy with activities that BFF isn't in.

If the mom asks, play dumb and plead "so busy lately!" I cannot think of any way to say anything direct to the mom that will end in good results.

[newnana]

I cannot think of any way to say anything direct to the mom that will end in good results.

:yeahthat:
I wouldn't say anything. "Oh, you know kids this age, relationships are fluid depending on activities/exposure." I wouldn't point it out to other mom or make it a conversation. This is a pass the bean dip situation. Kids age and mature and our relationships naturally change.

[magnoliaparadise]

One of my DDs had a BFF who was also bullied her and put her down horribly. I would not have believed it had I not witnessed it myself. I was shocked. It's REALLY horrible when kids have someone in their life who is unkind like that and having a BFF be that person is way worse than a regular bully, insidiously so. It really damages self esteem.

And the confusing part for everyone is that the BFFs can be kind and fun sometimes, like you said.

It's good that you are on top of it and trying to end that relationship. I'm sure your DD'S BFF has potential and will grow and learn in life and I am a firm believer that we all have our own work to do, but good that you are protecting your kid.

As others have said, I would *not* make a pronouncement. Just keep stepping back. My kid did make a pronouncement and it just didn't end well because the BFF became angry and felt misunderstood and my DD felt further isolated. Unless you truly think that the mom and BFF would be open to hearing things, or it were a relationship that was important to you like a sister, I would just make sure you guys are busy and don't have time and hope that the BFF gradually finds a new community. I'd always be polite and kind, and I definitely wouldn' t just stop talking to the family.

I think if the mom approached me and sincerely wanted to know what had happened, that'd be a tougher call for me as to whether to be honest or just keep pretending to be busy. I'd like to say that I'd be honest, but it I were worried that it would mean my kid was swept back into a bad friendship and I felt like the BFF would remain tough and not change despite the mom's desires, I might not share. I'm not sure.

[squimp]

I also would not orchestrate a "breakup" if you plan to stay friends with them mom. I agree with others and would gradually stop getting together. I'm sure it is difficult with them being neighbors and friends. Does your DD have activities that keep her busy and give her the opportunity to make other friends? Middle school gets really busy and friendships are very fluid in our experience.

It's also important to develop skills for dealing with what we call bad friends. There are definitely a few girls that DD has been good friends with over the years, but she doesn't want to be BFFs with them because they are mean or gossipy or whatever. She will hang out with them in groups. We would never just cut them off, but we try to avoid one-on-one situations. She also has learned not to confide in them, based on personal experience. IME, a lot of the girls DD has trouble with also have moms who gossip and are kinda mean or difficult, so it's rare that I would have a heart to heart with the mom.