Age to tell DC about family history

[niccig]

So the moral dilemma thread got me thinking about my family history. My parents divorced when I was a teenage because of domestic violence and then they got back together a few years later. They never remarried. DS knows my parents are divorced but not the reason why. He’s 14 soon. My dad has been very different for decades. It’s not a family secret why my parents divorced and DS may hear something from other family members.

When do you tell your DC something like this? How do you tell them? I wouldn’t want it to damage DS’s relationship with my dad, but it is our family’s history.


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[StantonHyde]

That's a tough one because your dad has changed. With my father, my kids saw his behavior for what it is (narcissistic) over time as he didn't relate to them. I did not call this out when they were little. I wanted to give him a chance to be a grandfather. As they get older, they ask questions and I answer them honestly but in the best age appropriate way I know. Now they are teens and asking tougher questions and I continue to level with them.

I think in your case, I would wait until your DS asks some more questions or by the time he is 18--whichever comes first. You can talk about the violence issues but there is obviously a reason they got back together. (I am going to hope that it is because he changed) So he was one way, now he is another. People can change.

My grandmother was a really poor mother. She was beset by depression and anxiety and just couldn't handle the poverty of her marriage and having 2 boys. She was an AMAZING grandmother. AMAZING. We all loved her dearly and she was so there for us. So it is possible to change...or at least change how you relate to people.

I asked my mother some really, really tough questions about my dad and why she stayed with him and didn't protect us from his abuse. She gave me honest answers that have informed my career, working, and relationship decisions. I value her honest answers. I have promised myself that is what I will do for my kids--answer the tough questions. I will have a different experience than my mom when answering questions from my kids because i made different choices. But there will still be tough questions and I have to answer those.

[TwinFoxes]

I'd let it come up more or less naturally (maybe push a little). Like if you're talking about something mention "oh, that was when my parents were divorced..." hint hint, hoping he'll ask more questions. Or maybe if there's something on TV ("Big Little Lies?") you can bring it up. I dunno, it just seems easier than sitting him down for a talk. I do agree it's something you should make sure he knows, and make sure he knows from you.

[Soccermomm]

I wouldn't say anything. If he hears something and ask questions, I would answer those questions in a simple but honest explanation.

[mackmama]

A history of DV is challenging because you want to be honest about your family’s experiences while also not implying that kind of behavior is “in your family’s genes” which is something young men often struggle with when learning of a family DV history. In your case I would not sit down your DS and tell him. It will naturally evolve. He will ask questions and you can be honest. I don’t think I’d offer specifics and would also underline that your dad has changed (ie people can change). I’d explain that you and your mom have a different relationship with your dad now due to your dad’s hard work to change (if that’s true). I’d talk about the fact that your DS has his own relationship with your dad and that you are happy about that (if that’s true).

[JamiMac]

I agree with the above posts. I would simply not bring it up. It is not a part of history that he needs to know, such as a health condition, etc. I feel it could do more harm than good.

[niccig]

Thanks all. I do agree with letting it come up naturally. I do want him to hear about it from me. He doesn’t need to know all the details and I can explain who my dad has been for the last few decades. As DS is getting older, he is participating in family conversations and it will come up at some point. It’s not a secret, it does get discussed at times between my sisters and I.


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