prepping for a funeral

[trales]

We are attending my grandmothers funeral this weekend. DD1 (11) knew her well and is totally fine with everything. DD2 (4) is clueless and asking lots of questions. The weekend will be a total whirlwind, we fly at 530 on friday halfway across the country, attend the funeral, luncheon, interment and dinner on saturday and fly home sunday. Kids are helping bring the gifts to the alter. Full mass, I am reading etc.

No dead body, she was cremated. DD2 wants to know how she got to heaven, where her body is, why she is gone. I have been explaining and explaining but she doesn't get it.

We did a bad job with DD1 - luckily she grew up and got over it and understood what was going and got over the car being the vehicle to get you to heaven- when the dog died and I took him to the vet in our Subaru- she believed if you got into the Subaru you would go to heaven, that the subaru could take you on the roof to heaven. After a year, we got a new car.

I can't get to a bookstore until monday. But I think I need something - can you recommend.

[jawilli4]

I’m sorry for your loss. This book is old but really good.

https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541643886&sr=8-1&keywords=lifetimes+a+beautiful+way+to+explain+deat h+to+children

[georgiegirl]

I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m totally LOLing about the Subaru taking you to heaven. My kids were 9, 6, and 2 when FIL died, and he lived nearby and the kids knew him very well. My oldest was totally fine and didn’t want to talk about it, my youngest was too young, but my middle had soooooo many questions. How exactly did he die? How was he cremated? What happens after you die? A lot was technical. I had to explain that the body stops working when a person dies. But they live on in our memories forever. We aren’t religious, so no talk of heaven.


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[Pear]

We explained death in a way that sounds very different than your approach. We talk about the cycle of life and how our bodies go back to nature to help create new life. Regardless of belief, For little kids, I find what they really need is reassurance that they don’t need to worry about their parents or themselves dying.

For the funeral itself, it helps to explain in advance what will happen. Give a general outline of the day. Then explain there will be times when everyone needs to be quiet and respectful and there will be times when even the grown-ups laugh. Let the kids know you will help them know what behavior is expected during each phase. Also detail that it is ok to cry, but it is also ok to not feel like crying. Crying or not isn’t an indicator of how much you loved someone.

[123LuckyMom]

I do believe that no light is ever extinguished, it is only transformed, but I don’t know how it all works or what that is like for those who have passed on. I tell my children very honestly what I believe, and when they ask questions I can’t answer, I tell them I don’t know. Nobody knows. We have opinions and beliefs, but nobody living actually knows. What I do know is that I trust in God, and I believe in God’s love. God will take care of how it all works. I just need to remember that those I love who have died are still with me in my heart, and I can always draw comfort and support from them. The rest I leave up to God with confidence in God’s love and in the knowledge that for every ending there is always a beginning.


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[klwa]

https://www.amazon.com/Next-Place-Warren-Hanson/dp/0931674328
This one was given to us when DS was 2 and my mom died. It doesn't go into specifics of beliefs, but is a good overview of "The Next Place".

[trales]

Thanks for the replies. DD2 has so many questions, and I think will have a ton more after the funeral. She goes to mass with us, so a lot of what is going on will be familiar. I ordered those books, I want to have something when the 10,000 questions come up on monday!

I want to do a better job than last time.