DS behavior problem

[Chitowngirl]

My DS (6) has been increasingly difficult at home. He is impulsive, uncooperative, argumentative, and very hyper. My DH is convinced he has ADHD, and from his behavior around us I can see why he thinks that. Nothing we do seems to work and he’s gotten to this point where he is just in trouble ALL the time which is no fun for any of us. He’s also been giving the babysitter fits - I can tell she is completely frustrated with him. We try to make expectations clear, give him immediate feedback and consequences, and reward him when he does well, but nothing seems to help. The thing that confounds me though, is he isn’t like this anywhere else. He’s great in school. He never loses his eraser and gets to pick a treat from the treasure chest basically every week (their classroom incentive). He does well at swim lessons. His soccer coach says he’s a dream kid. I asked him yesterday why he’s good at school and not at home. He said “it’s easier there” which I found very insightful, but didn’t really help me determine where to go from here. I plan to talk to his teacher next week at parent teacher conferences, but didn’t know if anyone here had some advice or even good questions to make sure I ask when I go next week. TIA.


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[jgenie]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think often they work so hard to hold it together when they are out in the world. They don’t have the energy to do it all the time so when they are home they let loose. Hang in there!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think often they work so hard to hold it together when they are out in the world. They don’t have the energy to do it all the time so when they are home they let loose. Hang in there!

I was going to say the same thing. As much as it sucks, you’re his safe space. He knows you’ll always love him. Maybe cool it on the punishments and just try to support him and make things easier (expectations...) at home. See if a new tactic can yield the results you’re hoping for. Can’t hurt since things don’t seem to be working as is.


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[georgiegirl]

Sounds like DS1. Adhd plus anxiety. Meds helped a lot. Like a ton.

[hillview]

from what he said it sounds like structure may help him (like most kids) you could consider if there are places where more structure or sequences would help him. Also is there a specific time of day that is harder (like before he eats dinner) that you could target?

[Kindra178]

He’s saving it all for you at home. I have one exactly like that - perfect at school and was more challenging at home. OT helped my kid quite a bit self regulate. Also, what time is his bedtime? Can you move it earlier? Also, my ds needs to be more active than not.


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[MSWR0319]

How is he sleeping? We went through a period like this with my son. I was convinced he had ADHD. The school psych did testing (we have a clinical psych so more intense testing than a school psych). No ADHD. She thought there were sleeping issues, which I had been suggesting to the ped for years. After a sleep study that the doctor finally ordered because of her, he had very bad sleep apnea. He totally changed. Even now though, he gets like you describe if he doesn't get enough sleep. He also lets loose at home because this is his safe place. He's 10 now and as long as we manage sleep appropriately, we have no problems.

[smilequeen]

My youngest has also been very much like this in the past. I can't promise you this will happen, but in our case, he has begun to mature out of it. I mean, he still saves it all for home, but it's better. He is fairly well behaved at school (he talks way too much, so I can't say he's perfect at school).

Anyway, he's #3 and by far my hardest child. There really is something to kids who feel more comfortable acting up and testing limits at home. My mom would always remind me..."would you rather deal with this at home or have him acting like this at school?" (She's a retired teacher). Of course, that only helps a little because...yes, I'd rather he do it at home than school, but ultimately I'd rather he not do it at all :)

I won't say for sure you aren't dealing with ADHD but it probably wouldn't be diagnosed if that problem is not also happening at school, but it's something to keep in mind if the issues start popping up as he gets more comfortable with school. I would ask the teacher to let you know if they see anything at all at school or to keep you informed as the year goes on.

I would probably try with a little more structure to home and possibly evaluate the bedtime. Make sure he gets outside for some exercise every day, that honestly helps my youngest a lot, but it also helps my middle who has Inattentive ADHD. I also give my youngest space. I don't have to listen to him throwing a fit, but he can throw one, in his own space. I know that is not a ton of help.

[DietCokeLover]

You’ve received some good insights. Let me throw out another thought. Are things ok at home? Any tension with you and DH? Any recent changes for anyone in the family? His statement that it is easier at school makes me wonder what he finds difficult at home. I would ask him some more questions about that. Even if all is well at home, if he has a misperception of something, that can highly influence behavior.

[123LuckyMom]

I know my son at that age responded VERY poorly to criticism. It’s as if he would think we thought he was a bad kid and was saying to himself, “They think I’m so bad, I’ll show them how bad I can be!” The only thing that would help pull him out of these phases was to give him tons of opportunity to get praise for doing things right and pretty much completely lay off any criticism. This was really hard to do, because it took a while for the negative behavior to recede, but it would if we kept up the praise. Then the attitude would shift to his wanting to please. It may be that all this difficult behavior is causing your DS to feel criticized at home and like he can’t do anything right, so why bother trying. His comment that things are easier at school might be about that. If I were you, I’d ask him to explain more about that comment and keep asking him to explain more until you really understand what he’s reacting to at home. Once you know, you and he can make a plan together to address it. A really good book to read is Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child. It’s okay if your child isn’t explosive. These techniques are great for any child, especially those who are super sensitive. Here’s a link: The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062270451/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_ZQA6BbEHP8W7K


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[Chitowngirl]

Thanks for all the comments so far.

How would I get him OT? Talk to his pediatrician?

He does seem to have problems figuring out what to do in the house with “downtime”, but he also isn’t able to focus with just the easiest task. Just saying “go upstairs and put on your shoes” requires telling him 10 times due to what my DH just labels “sillyness”.

He is in a ton of activities this time of year because he does do better when kept busy. We live in Chicago with long cold winters. To combat cabin fever I have him in things like soccer and swimming to keep him active. He seems to like his activities and never complains about having to go. He doesn’t have a lot of active time in his spare time/home life. We have swing set and a basketball hoop in the yard, but he’s not good at playing by himself. He will play for hours if I’m out there with him, but it’s not always possible. At home he’s definitely one of those kids that will wander around saying “I’m bored.” I try to get him to do legos or imaginative play or some other things like that but he really won’t engage in them unless we do it with him (which again is t always possible).

Our house is unfortunately generally chaotic. For example his aunt was living with us for three months while she needed time to get back on her feet. Our nephews are frequently over as well. They aren’t the best influences, but they don’t have a good home life and come as they don’t always have another option. His poor behavior does not seem to correlate with their presence or absence. This has been going on his whole life and isn’t new, but I’m sure it’s could be confusing for him in general. It’s not optimal, but I can’t really do much about it.

We did have a baby 18 months ago. He could be acting out from that. The behavior didn’t seem to change too much after the baby was born, but if has seemed to worse after she got mobile. Not sure if there is a correlation there.

He seems to need more sleep than most kids his age. At his school they have quiet time after lunch and he falls asleep at least once a week. I know how important getting to bed is - unfortunately we have trouble with that. I pick him up from after care around 5:30. He used to go to bed at 7:30, but now by the time we do dinner, bath, and I get the baby to bed it’s usually after 7 and he hasn’t even started his homework. He doesn’t usually get to bed until around 8:30.

I will definitely look into the book that has been recommended and try some of the suggestions. Thanks again for all the comments.


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[magnoliaparadise]

Thank you for posting, OP. Following, following. I am starting to look into sleep issues so I loved that that was brought up here. Parenting can be hard!

[daisyd]

from what he said it sounds like structure may help him (like most kids) you could consider if there are places where more structure or sequences would help him. Also is there a specific time of day that is harder (like before he eats dinner) that you could target?

Exactly what I was thinking

[essnce629]

You may want to try getting him to bed earlier for a week and then reevaluate. Cut things, skip showers, whatever for a week! My DS2 is 9 and basically can't function after 7pm-- gets more emotional, angry, starts getting hurt, and can't follow directions. He's never had an issue at school and is perfectly fine at other times in the day. I try so hard to get him in bed at 7 and he's allowed to read until 7:30. Many times he's not in bed at 7 and is in at 7:30 where we go straight to lights out and for the past several months he's been listening to an insomnia hypnosis session. We also have a sound machine, blackout blinds, and play relaxing music after his hypnosis ends. He's always asleep before it ends (it's 32 minutes). If he's not in bed by 7:45 then he won't wake up the next morning and I literally have to physically drag him out of bed and dress him myself! Sometimes kids need A LOT of sleep to function properly! I wouldn't jump to him having a diagnosis just yet.

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[MSWR0319]

Thanks for all the comments so far.

How would I get him OT? Talk to his pediatrician?

He does seem to have problems figuring out what to do in the house with “downtime”, but he also isn’t able to focus with just the easiest task. Just saying “go upstairs and put on your shoes” requires telling him 10 times due to what my DH just labels “sillyness”.

He is in a ton of activities this time of year because he does do better when kept busy. We live in Chicago with long cold winters. To combat cabin fever I have him in things like soccer and swimming to keep him active. He seems to like his activities and never complains about having to go. He doesn’t have a lot of active time in his spare time/home life. We have swing set and a basketball hoop in the yard, but he’s not good at playing by himself. He will play for hours if I’m out there with him, but it’s not always possible. At home he’s definitely one of those kids that will wander around saying “I’m bored.” I try to get him to do legos or imaginative play or some other things like that but he really won’t engage in them unless we do it with him (which again is t always possible).

Our house is unfortunately generally chaotic. For example his aunt was living with us for three months while she needed time to get back on her feet. Our nephews are frequently over as well. They aren’t the best influences, but they don’t have a good home life and come as they don’t always have another option. His poor behavior does not seem to correlate with their presence or absence. This has been going on his whole life and isn’t new, but I’m sure it’s could be confusing for him in general. It’s not optimal, but I can’t really do much about it.

We did have a baby 18 months ago. He could be acting out from that. The behavior didn’t seem to change too much after the baby was born, but if has seemed to worse after she got mobile. Not sure if there is a correlation there.

He seems to need more sleep than most kids his age. At his school they have quiet time after lunch and he falls asleep at least once a week. I know how important getting to bed is - unfortunately we have trouble with that. I pick him up from after care around 5:30. He used to go to bed at 7:30, but now by the time we do dinner, bath, and I get the baby to bed it’s usually after 7 and he hasn’t even started his homework. He doesn’t usually get to bed until around 8:30.

I will definitely look into the book that has been recommended and try some of the suggestions. Thanks again for all the comments.


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This makes me think there's a good chance it's sleep related. Try anything you can to get him to bed earlier to see if it makes a difference. It really helped my DS. Mine is 10 and he sound so much like your son. His bedtime is 8, and if we're late, it's very apparent by his behavior the next day.

[TwinFoxes]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think often they work so hard to hold it together when they are out in the world. They don’t have the energy to do it all the time so when they are home they let loose. Hang in there!

Yep.


He’s great in school. He never loses his eraser and gets to pick a treat from the treasure chest basically every week (their classroom incentive). He does well at swim lessons. His soccer coach says he’s a dream kid.

For now. Not to be a downer, but even with interventions it will probably get worse before it levels off. K or 1st (I'm assuming that's his grade) are easy.

Both my kids have ADHD. In K DD2 won "class sweetheart" but when I told her teacher I was thinking of getting her evaluated, she said "I think that's an excellent idea". So, even though she was well behaved, her teacher could see the signs.

Is there a reason you're not getting him evaluated? (Maybe you are and didn't mention it.)

[ray7694]

I would have him evaluated. Not sure what your school is like but 1st grade academics are much different then 5th grade. He may be able to control it now but I worry about it later. In our school I would say on average most of our kids with just adhd issues don’t show strongly until 2nd/3rd grade when they have so much more to attend to and for longer periods of time.

[doberbrat]

any way for hw to get done at aftercare? 7pm to start hw would be hard for many kids. might shave some time off bedtime

[essnce629]

any way for hw to get done at aftercare? 7pm to start hw would be hard for many kids. might shave some time off bedtimeYes, there's no way my DS2 could do homework at that time! In fact, there's been times I've realized he hadn't finished yet after dinner and we just have to skip it. I agree with trying to get homework done in aftercare or have him do it while dinner is being made. Also, with showers, if we're short on time I make my DS2 shower while I'm doing dinner. That way he's already ready for bed before dinner and all he needs to do after dinner is brush teeth and get in bed. What about putting the baby to bed later? I'd rather have the baby up later vs an older child who has school.

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[KpbS]

I 2nd/3rd/4th the additional sleep time. Maybe the homework can be a lower priority for a bit or he can do some in the mornings?

Hang in there. :hug:

[magnoliaparadise]

You may want to try getting him to bed earlier for a week and then reevaluate. Cut things, skip showers, whatever for a week! My DS2 is 9 and basically can't function after 7pm-- gets more emotional, angry, starts getting hurt, and can't follow directions. He's never had an issue at school and is perfectly fine at other times in the day. I try so hard to get him in bed at 7 and he's allowed to read until 7:30. Many times he's not in bed at 7 and is in at 7:30 where we go straight to lights out and for the past several months he's been listening to an insomnia hypnosis session. We also have a sound machine, blackout blinds, and play relaxing music after his hypnosis ends. He's always asleep before it ends (it's 32 minutes). If he's not in bed by 7:45 then he won't wake up the next morning and I literally have to physically drag him out of bed and dress him myself! Sometimes kids need A LOT of sleep to function properly! I wouldn't jump to him having a diagnosis just yet.

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Can you recommend that hynosis session?

And the white noise machine if you think it's extra special.

[essnce629]

Can you recommend that hynosis session?

And the white noise machine if you think it's extra special.

These are the hypnosis sessions. There's over 80 different ones! All by the same hypnotherapist. Both boys and I have done them regularly. I completely stopped biting my nails after 1 session after having been a nail biter for over 30 years!!! DS2 does the insomnia one every night and the Play to Win one the night before soccer games! DS1 does the eczema relief and stop skin picking one. I've done insomnia, wake up refreshed, stop nail biting, quit sugar, and stop snacking at night ones!
http://www.freehypnosissessions.com/view-our-sessions.html

And for the white noise machine we just have the Marpac that most BBB members have:
https://www.amazon.com/Marpac-Classic-White-Noise-Machine/dp/B00HD0ELFK/

[magnoliaparadise]

These are the hypnosis sessions. There's over 80 different ones! All by the same hypnotherapist. Both boys and I have done them regularly. I completely stopped biting my nails after 1 session after having been a nail biter for over 30 years!!! DS2 does the insomnia one every night and the Play to Win one the night before soccer games! DS1 does the eczema relief and stop skin picking one. I've done insomnia, wake up refreshed, stop nail biting, quit sugar, and stop snacking at night ones!
http://www.freehypnosissessions.com/view-our-sessions.html

And for the white noise machine we just have the Marpac that most BBB members have:
https://www.amazon.com/Marpac-Classic-White-Noise-Machine/dp/B00HD0ELFK/

Thank you!! Wow, I'm a nail biter so I will totally try the hypnosis session for myself, too! And the sleep one sounds fantastic.

[theriviera]

These are the hypnosis sessions. There's over 80 different ones! All by the same hypnotherapist. Both boys and I have done them regularly. I completely stopped biting my nails after 1 session after having been a nail biter for over 30 years!!! DS2 does the insomnia one every night and the Play to Win one the night before soccer games! DS1 does the eczema relief and stop skin picking one. I've done insomnia, wake up refreshed, stop nail biting, quit sugar, and stop snacking at night ones!
http://www.freehypnosissessions.com/view-our-sessions.html

And for the white noise machine we just have the Marpac that most BBB members have:
https://www.amazon.com/Marpac-Classic-White-Noise-Machine/dp/B00HD0ELFK/

Thank you for sharing. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping right now, so I'm interested. Did you pay to download the mp3?

[doberbrat]

...Also, with showers, if we're short on time I make my DS2 shower while I'm doing dinner. That way he's already ready for bed before dinner and all he needs to do after dinner is brush teeth and get in bed. What about putting the baby to bed later? I'd rather have the baby up later vs an older child who has school. Sent from my SM-J700P using Tapatalk

My kids also shower before dinner. Helps that they are not esp messy eaters but we deal with that if we have to. We eat between 8 & 9pm many nights so the kids would never get to bed on time otherwise.

Also when dd2 was a baby we adjusted her naps so she could stay up and I could deal with dd1 and get her to bed. I also did things like shower them together etc.

[lizzywednesday]

any way for hw to get done at aftercare? 7pm to start hw would be hard for many kids. might shave some time off bedtime

:yeahthat:

My DD has ADHD and one of the recommended interventions/supports we received was to have homework done either at school or immediately after walking in from the bus so she's still in "schoolwork" mindset.

I'm actually dreading needing aftercare whenever it is I go back to work because some days, homework is a struggle even with starting it right away, but she absolutely requires more sleep than she gets.

[essnce629]

Thank you for sharing. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping right now, so I'm interested. Did you pay to download the mp3?No, for DS2 I just leave my laptop dimmed and open in his room and I play it on there. For DS1 and I we play it on our phones and have wireless Bluetooth headbands with flat speakers that are good for laying in bed. We play the sessions right from the website.

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