career questions

[basil]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I need to make this decision fairly soon.

Basically, I'm a physician in academics, meaning that in addition to seeing patients I do teaching of residents and med students. I have a leadership role in my department.

My department is failing in many ways. I've been assured by multiple people that it's nothing to do with my leadership, but I have a weepy insecure impostor syndrome moment here or there. In any case, it is stressful to always be on the wrong side of everything, every time. It takes a lot of time and energy that often feels wasted.

My private practice is going well, but I don't think I could do that full time.

My DH and I have always talked about me being part time. As he is up for partnership next year, he will probably be taking on more work/responsibility/hours in his practice. He will also probably be making more money. We have talked about me moving to part time, taking Fridays off. My youngest will be in K, but they have half days every month. I would be able to drop off and pick up, get in a long run, do the shopping for the week, meet any repair people, etc. Every Thursday night I think about how great it would be to start my weekend. And it would make my weekends so much more fun and relaxing not to have to shove Costco runs and weekly meal preps in between kid activities.

But I'm having real problems committing to that decision and announcing it.
1) The way my contract is worded, it's an automatic 20% pay cut, and I would more than likely not be doing 20% less work. We can clearly live without that money, but it's a lot of money.
2) It's not clear whether or not I would need to step down from my leadership position by going part time. I would kind of feel like I was abandoning my department in a time of need.

I just keep going back and forth. In my DH's mind, it's a done deal and I'll be home on Friday next year. In my boss's mind, I'll continue as a full time employee. I need to declare one way or the other soon and I just can't make up my mind. Any thoughts or advice?

[Philly Mom]

I feel like this is really hard. If you don't like it, could you go back? I would not be happy about a 20% pay cut if I was not doing 20% less work.That said, I would not worry about abandoning your team. This has to be about what is best for you and your family. Also, if I remember correctly, your DH is tight with money. Will he feel like he can control more financially, if you are working part time?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I feel like this is really hard. If you don't like it, could you go back? I would not be happy about a 20% pay cut if I was not doing 20% less work.That said, I would not worry about abandoning your team. This has to be about what is best for you and your family. Also, if I remember correctly, your DH is tight with money. Will he feel like he can control more financially, if you are working part time?
:yeahthat:

Good points!

I do not want to work full time. Our family's quality of life is better with me being part time. Yes, we have less money but the fact that I am around to tackle house things, errands and keep things running smoothly means that the whole family's down time is improved. My dh isn't out running errands during his minimal time at home. I'm not stuck running errands when all the stores are packed and annoying (I hate crowds- Costco on a Saturday? No way!) Things just work well for us and the financial trade off is worth it to us.

[basil]

I’m pretty sure I could easily go back to full time if I hated having the time off.

I think DH is happier when I am home more. I think I probably would be too but it’s been so long since I haven’t worked so hard, it’s almost difficult to imagine. My maternity leaves didn’t feel like a vacation or free time whatsoever.

I do worry that I feel like I’m giving up on this project though.

[westwoodmom04]

I think you would love it, even with the salary reduction. The only question in my mind is how your dh will handle it. If you are comfortable with his reaction, I would go for it.

[niccig]

Are you happier if you’re home more? DHs opinion is important but thIs is YOUR career. You’ve worked hard to get to where you are, do YOU want to work less?

Keep in mind going part time will affect your career progress, future promotions, retirement etc.

If YOU want this, then go for it. If you don’t and it’s easier option for others, than don’t do it as you’ll resent them. Listen to what your gut says about this.

There are times me working less would be easier for DH and DS, but it wouldn’t be good for me. So, they have to help out more and DS can’t go to everything he wants though that’s less an issue now as his after school events start later and I can get him to them or organize a car pool.




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[Ms B]

Eh, my view is to lean in and farm more things out. I value my work and the validation I get there and all of the issues that I see in my law practice (job loss, illness, divorce) just confirm to me that I would rather work (and earn) more now in order to have the option to retire earlier. Also, I figured out a while back that I probably could not reach my ultimate career goal if I step back and that is meaningful to me. But you do you.

For example, does Amazon Fresh make life easier? Personal chef? Household manager? Driver for the kids? All of these are on the table at my house (and viable options, particularly when The Biscuit goes to middle school and aftercare is not available through our school district).

[jgenie]

I would pay for someone to help you get things done at home. Based on past threads, I wouldn’t want to give your DH any reason to think he has more say about how things are handled in your home than you do. Right now you bring in a significant chunk of the money. I wouldn’t do anything to change that.

[DualvansMommy]

I would pay for someone to help you get things done at home. Based on past threads, I wouldn’t want to give your DH any reason to think he has more say about how things are handled in your home than you do. Right now you bring in a significant chunk of the money. I wouldn’t do anything to change that.

ITA! Also if you’re really unhappy at your current work with the failing dynamics, don’t feel guilty or bad for wanting to do a change to something else. You’ve to put yourself & mental health first. All too often, women are somehow guilted into thinking or feeling they should stay, it’s time to change that narrative. But I wouldn’t also give up your earning potential either now.


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[basil]

I find it challenging to outsource more than I do. I have a full time nanny, a weekly housekeeper, lawn service. I don’t do DIY projects unless I like them. I make one run to Costco and the grocery store on the weekends and a stop in the middle of the week to replenish fresh veg/fruit. I wish I had someone to do laundry - I will NOT spend my day off doing laundry. But I haven’t ever been able to find a person who could do that. That’s what I tell all my Med students who come to me as mentees. That you may think you can outsource all this boring household stuff but it’s surprisingly hard to find the right people and seems (to me at least) to take just as much effort as doing it yourself.

I go back and forth. Fridays aren’t usually a very hard day for me. I can usually get done by 3:30 or 4. But I do think I would like to experience what it’s like to just be OFF for a day.

I think DH will be ok, financially ok. He may expect me to do the laundry though. I hate laundry.

[Ms B]

As another option -- would your employer consider letting you do four tens? Or a "5-4-9" arrangement as is popular at some businesses (eight nine hour days, one eight hour day, and one day off every other week)?

Do you have a sabbatical coming up that would get you a refresh?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I find it challenging to outsource more than I do. I have a full time nanny, a weekly housekeeper, lawn service. I don’t do DIY projects unless I like them. I make one run to Costco and the grocery store on the weekends and a stop in the middle of the week to replenish fresh veg/fruit. I wish I had someone to do laundry - I will NOT spend my day off doing laundry. But I haven’t ever been able to find a person who could do that. That’s what I tell all my Med students who come to me as mentees. That you may think you can outsource all this boring household stuff but it’s surprisingly hard to find the right people and seems (to me at least) to take just as much effort as doing it yourself.

I go back and forth. Fridays aren’t usually a very hard day for me. I can usually get done by 3:30 or 4. But I do think I would like to experience what it’s like to just be OFF for a day.

I think DH will be ok, financially ok. He may expect me to do the laundry though. I hate laundry.

My take is that we only get one chance at life. Yes, it’s a great thought to just kill your career and rock retirement but life can conspire against you- you can’t guarantee your health. Sometimes it’s good to just take care of you and the other parts of your existence besides work. It’s not like you’re giving up your career by taking 1 day off either. :)


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[Peaches Keane]

I was in sort of a similar situation once. I was overworked and moved to part-time (70% position, so I could still get benefits). There was a lot of resentment from higher ups and jealousy of colleagues (many of whom thought about doing the same thing due to the exhaustion of being overworked).

I did this two years and then resigned due to personal life stuff (2 kids 16 months apart, husband took a job in another city). The first year was mostly ok. I didn’t like making less money. We could easily afford it, but I thought more about frivolous purchases than I cared to. The second year, I felt that bosses and colleagues resented that I did not do as much as I used to. Apparently, they were also plotting and planning. I had a caseload and I found out while I was resigning that they had petitioned the state to emergently increase caseloads by 30%. So, if I had stayed, I would have been required to work a full time job at part time pay. Not cool.

Based upon my experiences, if possible, try to switch jobs to fit what you want for your life, instead of adjusting your current job because the expectations of others may not change and that can make the overall situation worse instead of the better that you are hoping to achieve.

[NCGrandma]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I need to make this decision fairly soon.

Basically, I'm a physician in academics, meaning that in addition to seeing patients I do teaching of residents and med students. I have a leadership role in my department.

My department is failing in many ways. I've been assured by multiple people that it's nothing to do with my leadership, but I have a weepy insecure impostor syndrome moment here or there. In any case, it is stressful to always be on the wrong side of everything, every time. It takes a lot of time and energy that often feels wasted.


I don’t have any real advice about your current decision-making, but your paragraph above really resonated with me. I spent my career in academic medicine (as a "non-physician educator"), mostly doing faculty development with junior faculty and mentoring fellows. Many were bright, capable women who went on to significant leadership positions. But almost all of the women at some point came in my office, closed the door, and admitted that they felt like imposters and were sure they weren’t ready to assume the roles for which they were at least as well prepared as their male colleagues. (And yes, they went through lots of tissues!) The only men I remember voicing the same lack of confidence were gay men, at a time when they weren’t at all sure they could safely be out at work.

I saw lots of changes (especially for women and for gay physicians both male and female) in academic medicine over my career, but the imposter syndrome is still alive and well in some quarters. But sometimes acknowledging it and then setting it aside can help.


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[baymom]

My manager has using PTO to take Fridays off for the past few months. It started out that they weren’t going to take a family vacation this year so he decided to treat himself to Friday off for a few weeks and I guess he’s just kept it up. Obviously he can’t do that forever, but it sure seems nice for a while. Can you use PTO to take Friday off for a while and see if it is something you’d like in the long term?

[pinkmomagain]

It's such a personal decision. I've cut back hours after working like a maniac to get licensed and I just love it. I have a private practice and can make my hours however I want (of course the less I'm in my office, the less I make). I take Fridays off, work evenings only on Mondays, and Tu, Wed, Thurs don't start seeing people until noon. I love having more time to myself, working out, etc. I think once you get that time, you will really enjoy it.

[jent]

I would also vote for reducing your time/workload... but only if it is a real reduction in workload for you. Not sure how your time is structured between seeing patients, teaching/administrative responsibilities, and research projects, but if you take Fridays off, do you have some of the same responsibilities and just need to get them done during the other days? Or does it mean stepping back from them? Think of how the ideal reduced workweek would look for you before talking to your boss.

As another academic physician, don't be so hard on yourself about your department. If your department is "failing" my guess is that there are a lot of contributing factors that have nothing to do with your leadership. And also, I agree with what a PP said that ultimately you need to make a decision that is right for you and not to feel guilty about making a change.

Also, are you on Facebook? There is an academic research moms group, and they're often super helpful with career/life decisions like these (and it's not only research based). You may be able to find by searching FB, but PM me if you want an invite.

[amyx4]

I don't have advice about your work. However, when I read your schedule, I agree that you should to try to outsource some more chores.

Have you looked into grocery shopping services? (delivery, pickup, online ordering etc.) Also, I know there are laundry pickup/delivery services a few towns over from me. Perhaps there is one near you? Could you pay the nanny to do the kid's laundry?

[niccig]

Fluff and fold at the laundromat. $1/pound. We used it when we remodeled and didn’t have a washing machine for 4 months. You drop it off and pick it up later. For the 3 of us, it was $20-25/week. And yes, they did my underwear and bras. We only gave them clothes that could go in dryer but I overheard people telling staff which clothes needed to be hung dry. DH does the laundry and he misses fluff and fold. It’s actually the folding part I hate most!

Before we married, DH had a cleaner that did his laundry. He paid more, but everything was washed, dried, folded and put back in drawers.
When we got a different cleaner, she did the sheets and towels, and we did the laundry. We don’t have a cleaner now so we do it, but DS helps.

A friend’s DH takes his work pants and shirts to dry cleaner every week.



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[niccig]

I’m all for better work life balance. I worked full time then was SAHM, then full-time graduate student and now full time WOHM plus I work extra few days a month per diem. I chose a job that has better schedule for our family but isn’t as prestigious as I wanted that schedule so I can travel every summer to see my parents. I work per diem at the prestigious job, so I get a little bit of it.

DH supported the prestigious job and more difficult hours if it was what I wanted, saying we would make it work.

My point is, it was my choice and I knew in my gut it was right for me to take family friendly schedule, and I don’t resent choosing a more “mommy-track” job as some see it.

I read in your posts “DH would love me to work less”. Well bully for him. What about you? What would you love?

My therapist told me when I was conflicted about something that I knew the answer, I just was too scared to say it aloud...

What do you want?


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[cckwmh]

I had a very similar situation, and I am So unbelievably happy That I dropped Fridays. I am not a physician but rather a PA. The way that it worked for me was changing jobs. I stopped taking students when I switch positions. I went from 40 hours to 30 hours a week. I work all day Monday through Wednesday and then leave at 2:30 on Thursday.I do drop off’s for the kids every day. By making an employment change I was able to restructure everything the way I want it. I went from straight salary to 100% compensated based on collections. For me at least I’m actually making more now than I was at my last job. Because I’m collections based, I I am the rate limiting step in my compensation. I Gave up my academic/teaching responsibilities. I know at some point I can go back to it when my kids are older. I don’t know if any of this would’ve worked if I stayed where I was. Having that extra day to do errands and appointments , go to gym, do you whatever - did so much for my own well-being. If you can financially afford it do it.

[westwoodmom04]

I don’t think it would hurt your career if you went to an 80 percent schedule. I know a lot of women doctors who do this in both private practice and academic medicine.

[umsh]

My mom (who’s a physician) did this many years ago and loved it. But like niccig said the key is do YOU want to do this. I think once you work part time the time you work never fully equates to the amount you’re paid. That was the major disadvantage my mom found - she’d always go over her hours and really wasn’t paid according to the time she worked. But it was worth it for her quality of life. Someone else suggested could you try it out by taking off a few Fridays - I think that would be a good way to see how it feels.


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[KpbS]

My take is that we only get one chance at life. Yes, it’s a great thought to just kill your career and rock retirement but life can conspire against you- you can’t guarantee your health. Sometimes it’s good to just take care of you and the other parts of your existence besides work. It’s not like you’re giving up your career by taking 1 day off either. :)


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Yes. I would totally go for it. Nothing is permanent.

[twowhat?]

I know a physician who tried to go part time and it was a disaster BUT the reason it was a disaster was because she could not discipline herself to only work the hours she was getting paid. She had great trouble prioritizing what was truly important. She pursued EVERY POSSIBLE THING in her patient's charts, if it had even a 0.1% chance of impacting how she would manage that patient. So she is getting a "part time salary" but works more than full time hours, at her expense and her family's expense. She's constantly late to pick her kids up, she'll tell her DD she will be home at a certain time and her DD will say "yeah, right", her husband (also a physician) wants her to quit because she's working late at night, not getting any sleep, because of this. It's sad because I think she want to work, but she just can't do it in a way that's not terrible for her and her family. (And when she used to work full-time, the problem was even worse! She thought that part time would resolve some of it but it really hasn't, because of her personality).

SO I only bring that up because you know you best. If you are disciplined enough (and work in a practice that understands this) to not work the hours you aren't getting paid (or at least not let it get out of hand), then go for it!

[HannaAddict]

If he’s up for partner at a traditionally structured law firm, often new equity partners make less because of the buy in capital contribution so don’t count on that piece right away unless you know the structure at his firm. Professionals I know as doctors and lawyers all complain that when they are part time they really end up working full time for less money, so I’d be cautious. Nature of the professional and doing a great job, it isn’t 9-5 work or 9-1 work.


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[westwoodmom04]

If he’s up for partner at a traditionally structured law firm, often new equity partners make less because of the buy in capital contribution so don’t count on that piece right away unless you know the structure at his firm. Professionals I know as doctors and lawyers all complain that when they are part time they really end up working full time for less money, so I’d be cautious. Nature of the professional and doing a great job, it isn’t 9-5 work or 9-1 work.


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I think her dh is a doctor in a medical practice, not a lawyer.

I'll add that I did 60 percent part time as a lawyer -- three days a week. I did some work on the train, going to and from work, but never worked on the days I was not scheduled to, other than returning an email or a call here or there -- nothing that ever amounted to more than half an hour a day. I did this as a lawyer with the federal government, but I think that is more analogous with academic medicine than a law firm with its emphasis on billable hours.


It sounds from quite a few of your posts, op, that you feel overwhelmed and stressed with managing your kid's schedules and household errands, plus a full time job. It calls down to what you need more of -- more time away from work, or more of the financial independence that comes with your job.

[ged]

I feel like one day off per week will not really feel like "part-time," esp since you already know you wont be working 20% less, but getting 20% less pay. And you mention that Fridays are already easy days for you. If you do wind up going that way, can you take Mondays off? I work a 9/80, so I take every other Monday off. I really like getting Mondays off, esp since my Fridays are already pretty low-key. I am a much more relaxed Mom come Sunday nights when I have the following Monday off. Ask my kids!!

I also like PP idea of testing out the waters with PTO or something, for a few months, to see how things play out.

[georgiegirl]

I agree that taking Fridays off when Fridays are already your easy day is not part time. Also ask yourself how much EXTRA will your husband expect you to do at home since you will be “part time.”

If you want to go part time for you, I’d find a way to make it work. But only if you are getting an actual reduction in hours and stress.


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[doberbrat]

I wouldnt take Fri off - I'd take Mon since most school holidays fall on a Monday. or take a Wed which tends to be a day people arent looking for meetings as much. Really look at what 1 day off looks like b/c its not 20% less work for sure.

[Liziz]

Before you decide to reduce time, please have a very honest conversation with your DH about exactly what HE envisions your family/household life and financial life looking like if you make this change, and make sure that it matches what you envision. If it doesn't match, that's okay, but talk, talk, talk some more until you've come up with something that works well for both of you. Too often, I think a woman moves to part-time and the full-time working husband envisions that this means that either 1) wife is taking on way more household chores/duties/responsibilities than is reasonable for the time off 2) now they can stop paying to outsource so much and the wife will do it now, and/or 3) the wife will dramatically change her spending patterns (downward) since she's not making as much.

The reality is that part-time rarely gives a person as much "free" time as expected, and that time goes very quickly. If you have Friday off but spend the whole day stuck doing things that aren't fulfilling to you in some way (i.e. - stuff like doing laundry all day), you'll be miserable. If your DH becomes more guarded about money and constantly questions your spending (I recall from other posts this is already a bit of an issue?) because you're making less, you'll be frustrated.

Part time can be a great and freeing thing for both of you, IF you agree in advance about what it will mean. But going into it without a very honest discussion with ALL cards laid on the table could easily mean significant stress and dissatisfaction down the road. I think it will be an easier discussion to have and you will feel more confident pushing for you YOU want and need if you have this discussion while you're still working full-time, with no intention to reduce hours until you and your DH are both comfortable with the plan.

Oh -- and I think the idea to use PTO to take several months of Fridays off to "test" it could be a good idea if it's possible for you.

[Philly Mom]

Before you decide to reduce time, please have a very honest conversation with your DH about exactly what HE envisions your family/household life and financial life looking like if you make this change, and make sure that it matches what you envision. If it doesn't match, that's okay, but talk, talk, talk some more until you've come up with something that works well for both of you. Too often, I think a woman moves to part-time and the full-time working husband envisions that this means that either 1) wife is taking on way more household chores/duties/responsibilities than is reasonable for the time off 2) now they can stop paying to outsource so much and the wife will do it now, and/or 3) the wife will dramatically change her spending patterns (downward) since she's not making as much.

The reality is that part-time rarely gives a person as much "free" time as expected, and that time goes very quickly. If you have Friday off but spend the whole day stuck doing things that aren't fulfilling to you in some way (i.e. - stuff like doing laundry all day), you'll be miserable. If your DH becomes more guarded about money and constantly questions your spending (I recall from other posts this is already a bit of an issue?) because you're making less, you'll be frustrated.

Part time can be a great and freeing thing for both of you, IF you agree in advance about what it will mean. But going into it without a very honest discussion with ALL cards laid on the table could easily mean significant stress and dissatisfaction down the road. I think it will be an easier discussion to have and you will feel more confident pushing for you YOU want and need if you have this discussion while you're still working full-time, with no intention to reduce hours until you and your DH are both comfortable with the plan.

Oh -- and I think the idea to use PTO to take several months of Fridays off to "test" it could be a good idea if it's possible for you.

This is excellent and very true advice.

[marinkitty]

I find it challenging to outsource more than I do. I have a full time nanny, a weekly housekeeper, lawn service. I don’t do DIY projects unless I like them. I make one run to Costco and the grocery store on the weekends and a stop in the middle of the week to replenish fresh veg/fruit. I wish I had someone to do laundry - I will NOT spend my day off doing laundry. But I haven’t ever been able to find a person who could do that. That’s what I tell all my Med students who come to me as mentees. That you may think you can outsource all this boring household stuff but it’s surprisingly hard to find the right people and seems (to me at least) to take just as much effort as doing it yourself.

I go back and forth. Fridays aren’t usually a very hard day for me. I can usually get done by 3:30 or 4. But I do think I would like to experience what it’s like to just be OFF for a day.

I think DH will be ok, financially ok. He may expect me to do the laundry though. I hate laundry.

In terms of outsourcing, I recently hired a "house manager" - it sounds like a grand title, but really what it means is a household assistant for when you don't really need a nanny anymore but still need/want help around the house. I used a nanny agency to find her - this is a niche that they say they have had to open up as their families transitioned to needing a full day nanny to having school aged kids. She is a full time employee and she will do it all - laundry, empty dishwasher, all the grocery shopping, get the cars washed and gassed up and oil changes, get shoes repaired, handle any returns, pick up and drop off dry cleaning, cart kids around, cook and clean up dinner, take on projects around the house - organizing closets, sorting outgrown clothes and taking them to donation, waxing my soapstone counters, cleaning cat boxes and other pet care, staying with the kids if I'm out of town, helping me decorate and put away decorations for holidays, plan and execute dinners and parties, including helping out during events, etc etc. Since she doesn't have minute to minute care of small kids, she is flexible and available to do what I need. But she was also a nanny for years and is more than qualified for any child related needs we have. Her job varies tremendously day to day. Her hours also vary - she usually works 1-8 but I can shift that as needed. And she is able to stay late or stay over. It is really what we needed for this phase of life with two parents who need to travel, three busy, active kids and a big household to manage. I can and did do it all myself for years, but it was getting overwhelming and since we could afford to try hiring someone, we did and I'm liking it so much. I still have a house cleaner who comes once a week and does the heavy cleaning. And a lawn service. But she picks up all the slack on anything else. I know your kids are younger, but maybe call around the nanny agencies and see if they place house managers. You might be ready to transition to someone who can provide more than just childcare and child-related household stuff. I don't need her full time, so we even worked out a deal where I "bank" hours I don't use each week and then can apply those to when I want her to stay over with the kids for a night, weekend or week long trip so that I don't end up paying anything beyond her regular salary unless I use up all the banked hours. It took some time to find the right person - but before I looked I didn't imagine that I could find exactly what I needed and then I did and it has changed my day to day and our family weekends.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Before you decide to reduce time, please have a very honest conversation with your DH about exactly what HE envisions your family/household life and financial life looking like if you make this change, and make sure that it matches what you envision. If it doesn't match, that's okay, but talk, talk, talk some more until you've come up with something that works well for both of you. Too often, I think a woman moves to part-time and the full-time working husband envisions that this means that either 1) wife is taking on way more household chores/duties/responsibilities than is reasonable for the time off 2) now they can stop paying to outsource so much and the wife will do it now, and/or 3) the wife will dramatically change her spending patterns (downward) since she's not making as much.

The reality is that part-time rarely gives a person as much "free" time as expected, and that time goes very quickly. If you have Friday off but spend the whole day stuck doing things that aren't fulfilling to you in some way (i.e. - stuff like doing laundry all day), you'll be miserable. If your DH becomes more guarded about money and constantly questions your spending (I recall from other posts this is already a bit of an issue?) because you're making less, you'll be frustrated.

Part time can be a great and freeing thing for both of you, IF you agree in advance about what it will mean. But going into it without a very honest discussion with ALL cards laid on the table could easily mean significant stress and dissatisfaction down the road. I think it will be an easier discussion to have and you will feel more confident pushing for you YOU want and need if you have this discussion while you're still working full-time, with no intention to reduce hours until you and your DH are both comfortable with the plan.

Oh -- and I think the idea to use PTO to take several months of Fridays off to "test" it could be a good idea if it's possible for you.
:yeahthat: yes, to all of this!!

I would be concerned about your dh’s hangups and perception of your spending, based on your previous threads. I can only imagine this getting worse by you going part-time.

I would not go to part time just to get Friday’s off. Once your kids are both in school, I can tell u it’s not that helpful to have one day a week off, given the reduction in pay. Part time that seems to works for most parents I know is working 5days a week but leaving every day at 2:15 so they can pick up their kids and take them to all their activities and start dinner at decent hour. U gain some $ because in that case u do not have to pay a nanny/aftercare and u have time to get dinner started. U will not get that with one day a week off. And as pp said, 95% of school holidays fall on Mondays.

Now that both my kids are in elementary I don’t ever want to do part time / 1 day a week off because it just isn’t worth it. A friend of mine at my company did 4 days a week at 80% pay it was miserable and she ended up getting laid off. It wasn’t helpful and most of the time she ended up working close to 40 hrs a week anyway.

I think the only way I could ever consider part time it is if could do 32 hrs a week and Working 6.5 hrs a day so get in at 7:30 am and leave every day at 2:30 pm. One Friday off would not be helpful imo (unless it was a 9/80 plan for full time folks - eg no reduction in pay/full time status). Yes it would be nice to have one day for errands and straightening things around the house and laundry etc but it sounds like u wouldn’t like that (I would be doing laundry with my time off ) and u would still have to pay for a full time nanny. I would think it may be worth it to have a day off to spend with kids when kids they are little, but once they are both in school And in activities I just don’t see the practicality of one day a week off, given the sacrifice re: career and pay. And yeah, the expectations sounds like they could be a big deal in your case.

[elephantmeg]

oh my gosh yes talk about what PT means. I went PT when I had kids and have now assumed all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping etc. And now I keep adding hours... and am still doing all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Now I'm up to 4 or 4.5 or more days a week and still doing it all. We do not have issues with the finances-we're both pretty frugal but he's never been more intense about it but ugh.

[theriviera]

Have you asked your nanny to do laundry? When my kids were little, our nanny did all of their laundry but as they each went off to school she picked up more of our laundry. She also ran errands for us when they were at school. I know it's hard to ask, but for us, it was well worth it.

[dogmom]

I'm a nurse, but I have many friends who are physicians in a larger academic institution. Couple of other things to think about:

-Do you have a male colleague you are close to that you can have an honest discussion about how they would approach this situation and how they see your gender influencing your treatment? I have a friend who is an OB/Gyn and head of her surgery department and it's a constant struggle with her gender. Having male allies to realty check helps.

-Do you have a mentor from another institution you can reach out to?

-Have you considered doing something else such as hospitalist or the like? I know several people that did that per diem then went full time. They did less work, no work at home and made better money.

[jgenie]

Have you asked your nanny to do laundry? When my kids were little, our nanny did all of their laundry but as they each went off to school she picked up more of our laundry. She also ran errands for us when they were at school. I know it's hard to ask, but for us, it was well worth it.

I have a friend that has this set up. Her kids are in middle school but they have kept the nanny on a part time basis. She handles pick up and activities a couple times a week. She boxes all the Internet returns, shipping, dropping off dry cleaning, groceries, etc. Date night Friday and Saturday night most weeks. Pretty much handles the mom stuff that ends up on my friends plate. She loves it and no longer stresses about all the extras she used to juggle.

[westwoodmom04]

I am a big fan of outsourcing but I think people overestimate how easy it is to find someone competent to do all these tasks. I’ve had some good nannies who have done kid’s laundry, some cooking, shopping, meeting service people, but you really have to be willing to accept things being done 80 percent as well as you might want them to be done, at best. It is really hard to even find someone who will show up consistently, not spend most of their time on their phone, and have a clean driving record. And once you have, they are sufficiently in demand that they will only do very light housekeeping, etc. . . At least in the big east coast metro area I am in, and I expect it is similar for op. She has already posted in the past about how difficult it has been finding and retaining nannies. In addition, I often found with all the time I spent describing a task to someone, I could have practically done it myself.

I also think it makes no sense to take off Mondays. That would mean forfeiting most holidays when one would be home anyway. I found Fridays to be the best day to be off on a part time schedule, not only because it extends the weekend, but also because a good number of other people don’t work then (many because of compressed work weeks), so it minimized requests for meeting or calls on my day off.

I also think the day off is more valuable once kids are school age. Once my kids were in school full time, my weekends became jam packed with their activities. It is really nice to have a day when you are the only one home. Have the nanny chauffeur the kids to after school activities the other days of the week, that is typically a major portion of their job.

[basil]

Thanks so much for all the responses!! It’s given me a lot to think about and a lot to discuss with DH.

I actually don’t think DHs perception of my spending is really connected to how much I make. That would be logical and his fear is not logical. I could make a million dollars and DH would still freak out about $400 boots and not bat an eye at a $3k couch.

The other part of the story is that DH is off every other Monday (which makes up for a weekend that he works each month). DH wants me to be off because he wants me to be able to drop off and pick up the kids one day a week and spend time with them and be able to spend more time on the weekend doing “fun stuff” instead of crazy crowded Costco. It sort of has to be Friday because that’s when the kids have all their half days. My job is not amenable to half days or Hospitalist work. I can’t really randomly take Fridays off for a month cause that is one of my clinic days so I need to schedule those out pretty far in advance.

I’m intrigued by the household manager thing. If I could have someone come and do a few hours of housework and then watch the kids after school for a few hours that would be great. My concern as always is finding and retaining this person. It has been so hard when we transition nannies.

I don’t have any mentors aside from my boss and my old boss. My old boss is unfortunately in a powerful position nationally which would make it inappropriate discussing the particulars of my job with him.

I’ll continue to think on it. I’m kind of leaning toward trial of a year. I don’t think a year at 80% would hold my career back too much and I still may at some point decide that my aspirations aren’t tooo far beyond where I am now.

[niccig]

I am a big fan of outsourcing but I think people overestimate how easy it is to find someone competent to do all these tasks. I’ve had some good nannies who have done kid’s laundry, some cooking, shopping, meeting service people, but you really have to be willing to accept things being done 80 percent as well as you might want them to be done, at best. It is really hard to even find someone who will show up consistently, not spend most of their time on their phone, and have a clean driving record. And once you have, they are sufficiently in demand that they will only do very light housekeeping, etc. . . At least in the big east coast metro area I am in, and I expect it is similar for op. She has already posted in the past about how difficult it has been finding and retaining nannies. In addition, I often found with all the time I spent describing a task to someone, I could have practically done it myself.
.

I found I had to let go of the control and lower standards. And not just with hired help, but with DH and DS doing more around the house. DS doesn’t clean his bathroom nearly as well as I do, but it’s fine and I didn’t have to stay up late to do it. Plus, he’s learning some necessary life skills. 80% done is better than zero done or me having to add one more thing to my list.




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