How to say this without offending?

[bisous]

I realize that this may not be possible. My SIL lets her 6yo ride in the car without a booster. She’s on the tall side but she isn’t 4’9 as would be required by law! I think it’s possible SIL may not realize. In any case I think she ought to be reminded that at the very least she’s breaking the law! I love my SIL and we are close. But I don’t know how to initiate this conversation!

[SnuggleBuggles]

"Would you like me to buy a booster to leave at your [house, car] or would you like to borrow mine if you'll be driving dd?"

[jgenie]

"Would you like me to buy a booster to leave at your [house, car] or would you like to borrow mine if you'll be driving dd?"

I read it as she’s trying to tell her SIL that her daughter (OP’s niece) should be riding in a booster seat not OP’s daughter. If that’s correct, I would stay out of it. If you just can’t help yourself, I would just mention “I didn’t realize that DN was xx inches tall already.” If it is indeed OP’s daughter, I would use SnuggleBuggles wording.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

I read it as she’s trying to tell her SIL that her daughter (OP’s niece) should be riding in a booster seat not OP’s daughter. If that’s correct, I would stay out of it. If you just can’t help yourself, I would just mention “I didn’t realize that DN was xx inches tall already.” If it is indeed OP’s daughter, I would use SnuggleBuggles wording.


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Duh! YOu're right!

[sariana]

I realize that this may not be possible. My SIL lets her 6yo ride in the car without a booster. She’s on the tall side but she isn’t 4’9 as would be required by law! I think it’s possible SIL may not realize. In any case I think she ought to be reminded that at the very least she’s breaking the law! I love my SIL and we are close. But I don’t know how to initiate this conversation!

Actually, our state law is age 8, so it doesn't even matter how tall her daughter is. She is required to be in a booster. I don't know how to tell her, though. :(

[bisous]

Yes it’s my niece! For DD I wouldnt have trouble being “rude” and exerting the law! I thought the law had a height exemption though it’s extreme? DS2 is 11 and not yet 4’9!! So my 6yo niece is NOT tall enough. I do think it’s possible she doesn’t know. Her next youngest is 10 and her oldest is 17. For a long time in our state the age limit was 6. If I know she knew about it but chose differently anyway I’d probably let it lie. But even then it’s hard for me!

[petesgirl]

Are you FB friends with her? Could you a post a link to the law or something, etc to your page so that it isn't directed specifically tonher?

[firstbaby]

I think this is one of those situations where you are going to risk offending no matter how perfectly you plan what you want to say, but feel compelled to risk offending because it's a safety issue. "SIL, I really love you and I realize this may be an overstep but it's really been on my heart lately, so I hope I don't upset you by saying anything. I noticed that DN isn't using a booster and it makes me feel worried/anxious/nervous that another driver could cause a bad accident. Would you please consider using it until she's (insert whatever legal parameters)?" If you have a relationship where you joke around, you could insert a joke about being "that crazy aunt" or something, but I would say it lovingly and gently and hope for the best.

[AnnieW625]

Yes the law is 8 or 4’9” tall so your sister in law is correct. Initially the law that took effect in 2012 was just had to be 8 years old. Most people think the law is 8 and 60 lbs., which is awesome. DD2 is 52” or so inches tall but 54 lbs. and I have told her I will not discuss no booster until she is at least 60lbs., but most likely if she follows DD1 she will be closer to 75lbs. . The pediatrician DD1 saw for her well visit this year told DD1 she was now 4’10” and didn’t need a booster (although she has been out for about 18 months so she was about 4’7”, but she was 11 years old).

And I had no idea, but rear facing is law until 40lbs and 40” tall as of 2017.

Current law:
https://www.ocsd.org/gov/sheriff/about/info/safe/car.asp

Prior 2012 law, with a small highlight of the prior law at the top (6 or 60lbs).:
https://www.sanleandro.org/civicax/filebank/blobdload.aspx?blobid=10597

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[TwinFoxes]

If it really bothered me (and it probably would), I'd just say something similar to PP's phrasing, but I'd say "I hope I don't seem like a buttinsky, but it's against the law for DN to not ride in a booster. California changed the law awhile ago." Which is all true. If she says "I know" or something similar, I don't think there's much more you can do. I have a feeling she knows the law. California changed the law after I had moved, and I still knew about it.

[TwinFoxes]

I realize that this may not be possible. My SIL lets her 6yo ride in the car without a booster. She’s on the tall side but she isn’t 4’9 as would be required by law!


Yes the law is 8 or 4’9” tall so your sister in law is correct.

But she's six and not 4'9", so her SIL is breaking the law.

[DualvansMommy]

If you know your SIL well how she react, by all means tell her. I had a friend with 2 kids born the same years as my 2 boys, and she didn't realize NJ had changed the laws regarding RF to FF until 2 years old since it changed between our #1 and #2 kids. I only knew of it cuz my pediatrician told me during DS2's physical checkup so I kept him RF until 2.5, but my friend turned her daughter right after 1st birthday so I told her casually of the new law. She never knew so was happy I told her otherwise she could have been caught by a cop and get a ticket.

[PZMommy]

A bit of an aside, but how do they enforce this law? I’m also in California, and every so often I have to do carline duty in the morning. Per the law, all kinders, first graders, and many second graders should still be in a booster. On any given day, I see maybe 3 students in boosters. Worse yet, many of the kids are riding in the front seat of the car. I don’t understand how so many people can just ignore the law!

[SnuggleBuggles]

A bit of an aside, but how do they enforce this law? I’m also in California, and every so often I have to do carline duty in the morning. Per the law, all kinders, first graders, and many second graders should still be in a booster. On any given day, I see maybe 3 students in boosters. Worse yet, many of the kids are riding in the front seat of the car. I don’t understand how so many people can just ignore the law!

Can you request an officer or car seat tech come in to talk with the families/ kids? There are resources out there to receive car seats as well. Could take a bit of legwork but there are definitely grants, programs... that would do education and product support. Even a friendly reminder flyer with list of resources families can just contact independently would help and you’d at least feel like you’re doing something.
As a mandated reporter, do you have any obligation?


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[bisous]

A bit of an aside, but how do they enforce this law? I’m also in California, and every so often I have to do carline duty in the morning. Per the law, all kinders, first graders, and many second graders should still be in a booster. On any given day, I see maybe 3 students in boosters. Worse yet, many of the kids are riding in the front seat of the car. I don’t understand how so many people can just ignore the law!

I actually know the answer to this one! I have a friend whose DH is a CHP officer. Her 19mo is not rearfacing despite it being the law. I asked her about it and she mentioned that her DH said when cops are pulling people over they don't require proof of kids' ages so there is really no way for them to know or ticket people. I was a bit shocked that my friend does not comply with the law, despite her DH seeing accidents every day but it was clearly their choice! They had purchased the wrong car seat and didn't want to have to buy another one. Of course, if an accident WERE to happen I suppose then the parent could be liable for improperly following the law. What a sad scenario that would be!

[KpbS]

Did you know that kid's are 70% more protected in a highback booster seat from spinal cord injuries? Must be part of why CA changed the law to age 8 or 4'9 for car seat requirements.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3217451/

[bisous]

Did you know that kid's are 70% more protected in a highback booster seat from spinal cord injuries? Must be part of why CA changed the law to age 8 or 4'9 for car seat requirements.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3217451/

Oh yes! I am a big fan of extended car seats/booster seats. Once upon a time DSIL was really into too--when we both had little kids. I feel like she's just gotten wrapped up in big kid and teen stuff and honestly hasn't thought about it quite enough. I don't really know.

I think I will just put myself out there and put it all on me. I'll say something like "I know I'm being obnoxious and if you already know this please forgive me. I saw DN without a booster seat on Wednesday and I just wanted to make sure you knew that's against the law now? I just couldn't forgive myself if I didn't tell you and you didn't know and I don't want her to get in trouble or get hurt." We're close enough that she might tell me I'm obnoxious but we'll probably be fine again. I'm frustrated with myself for not saying something RIGHT THEN because that would have been more natural. I was taken aback and kind of froze.

[KpbS]

Sorry, I meant to put that into quotes for you to say to her. :)

[bisous]

Sorry, I meant to put that into quotes for you to say to her. :)

Oh! THat's a good idea! She isn't on FB. Someone else mentioned that. I think she has a page but she's never on there so she wouldn't see it if I posted it on my page. TBH, after I posted I read your link. I think I actually DID need a refresher! DS3 is 7 and has been using a LBB but it really looks like HBBs are better. We'll be switching back. That is a good intro to giving her information about it since I legitimately DID need to read that article.

[AnnieW625]

But she's six and not 4'9", so her SIL is breaking the law.

Oh I totally misread and thought she said the 6 year was 4’9”.

I would totally call her out on that and I wouldn’t think twice about it.


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[Mommy_Mea]

Oh yes! I am a big fan of extended car seats/booster seats. Once upon a time DSIL was really into too--when we both had little kids. I feel like she's just gotten wrapped up in big kid and teen stuff and honestly hasn't thought about it quite enough. I don't really know.

I think I will just put myself out there and put it all on me. I'll say something like "I know I'm being obnoxious and if you already know this please forgive me. I saw DN without a booster seat on Wednesday and I just wanted to make sure you knew that's against the law now? I just couldn't forgive myself if I didn't tell you and you didn't know and I don't want her to get in trouble or get hurt." We're close enough that she might tell me I'm obnoxious but we'll probably be fine again. I'm frustrated with myself for not saying something RIGHT THEN because that would have been more natural. I was taken aback and kind of froze.This is the approach I usually take, call myself the "crazy car seat person". :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

This is the approach I usually take, call myself the "crazy car seat person". :)

Yep. I just own it to start then say what i need to say. :)


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[TwinFoxes]

A bit of an aside, but how do they enforce this law? I’m also in California, and every so often I have to do carline duty in the morning. Per the law, all kinders, first graders, and many second graders should still be in a booster. On any given day, I see maybe 3 students in boosters. Worse yet, many of the kids are riding in the front seat of the car. I don’t understand how so many people can just ignore the law!

Not in California, but every year here the local PD sets up at the four way stop where the crossing guard is and pulls people over on the way to school. Our laws are more lax than California, but you still have to wear a seatbelt. One of my neighbors had his three year old unbuckled in the front seat (I’m sure her older brother was unbuckled in back). He got pulled over in front of me and I was soooo happy.

[JBaxter]

Florida's laws are a JOKE Florida Child Car Seat Laws
It is the responsibility of the supervising adult to ensure that any child under 5 years old is seated in a federally-approved child car seat. Failure to do so could result in a $60 fine and 3 points against your driver's license.

Florida law states:

Children 5 years old or younger must be secured in a federally approved child restraint system:
Children 3 years old and younger must use a separate car-seat or the vehicle's built-in child seat.
Children 4 through 5 years must sit in either a separate car seat, a built in child seat or a seat belt, depending on the child's height and weight.
Children under 18 years old must be in a seatbelt.
Though not required, the DHSMV recommends children 12 years old and under to ride in the back seat of the vehicle when possible. This is due to safety concerns for air bag deployment, which can be dangerous for young children

[123LuckyMom]

I wouldn’t appeal to concerns for her daughter’s safety. Maybe I’d do that after I appealed to her own sense of self-preservation. I’d let her know she’s breaking the law, and, if she were to be caught for any reason, she could get into very serious trouble with charges of child endangerment. At the very least, there would be an investigation by child protective services, and at the most, well, we live in an era where you can face serious criminal charges and separation from your children for leaving your kids alone for five minutes while you run into a store, so there’s no way I’d risk breaking the law when it came to a real child safety issue that’s actually codified in law! I’d ask her if she’s aware that the law says she needs to be using a booster and let her know that if she’s caught by an officer, she might be unable to drive away until somebody comes with a booster to get her child, and it would definitely trigger a CPS investigation. Police officers are mandated reporters. That would be a good result. A bad result could include criminal charges for child endangerment. The laws are strict because of the safety issues, but my guess is that she doesn’t believe it’s unsafe if she’s not using a booster, but she will probably see the risk in a potential criminal arrest and entanglement with CPS. As for officers not enforcing the law, I wouldn’t count on that. That was the case for a long time with seatbelts, but now it’s not. It seems the laws are getting stricter, which is a good thing, IMO, and is probably saving lots of kids. There may soon be a big shift in the enforcement of these laws, even where they’ve been slack before. I wouldn’t worry too much about tact. I’d say, “I wanted to tell you that I just was on my mom’s board, and all these moms were talking about the booster seat laws. Did you know that kids have to be in boosters until at least age 8 or the driver can be arrested for child endangerment? Apparently the police have to report the driver to CPS, and there has to be an investigation. I have an extra booster for your DD. Should I bring it over now?”


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[Globetrotter]

I would bring up the legal angle. Casually mention that, btw, did she realize what the current law is, and there’s a $x fine. Parenting advice is tricky, and this is why I am thankful for laws because I know too many people wouldn’t do the right thing if it wasn’t a law ��

[dogmom]

I think it’s helpful to reflect on the purpose of booster seats, to prevent as much injury as possible. The point of the booster is to place the child in a position so the seatbelts are where they should be. The lap portion across the hips/thighs, not the abdomen. The shoulder over the chest and collarbone, not the neck or abdomen. This helps prevents internal organ damage in crashes. The reality is different kids are proportioned slightly different. Back car seats can also have slightly different directions. Posture in back seat also varies. This can give a little wiggle room on height and seat belt safety. So an approach might be to share information on proper belt positioning vs size. “I had no idea the precise point of boosters! Now I know what to look for when in my kid/car!” My kids did have to use the boosters longer in my husband’s truck, for example. I didn’t measure them. I went by belt position. This gives you a different conversation point besides “your kids don’t meet height”. Good luck.