Help me support my friend and kids...divorce :(

[SASM]

My friend and her family just relocated and bought an $$ house. Two weeks later, he wants a divorce. Their super smart, confident 15yo DD is having a very tough time...not eating or sleeping, slipping grades, etc. DF is trying to get her girls into counseling. In the meantime, I would greatly appreciate any suggestions on how I can help from afar.


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[ray7694]

I would look into counseling and a doctor if it’s been a long period she may need medication for depression. If the household is super unstable I would look into her going to stay with someone else. The more normal consistent routine the better.

Many insurances accept online counseling which is usually faster to talk to someone. It can be face to face or a phone call.

[mom2binsd]

Have her call the school counselor, let them know what is going on, if the student knows the school is clued into what is going on it'll help take the pressure off at school. With just a few weeks left before break hopefully she can just focus and get to that point.

Sounds like the husband is bailing on them, which is terrible if he moved them away from a place they knew. I agree counseling and lots of love from familiar people, can friends fly out to visit them and help get them settled. If they haven't already gotten into activities, get them into dance/sports etc that will keep them busy (I know it's a hard time of year though to move and join things). This is so awful for kids to have to deal with, what terrible timing on his part, and selfish too!

Can you guys go visit?

[mackmama]

Go visit.

Can they move back to wherever they moved from? Might be worth planting that seed if it was a happier place for your friend and her DD. If it’s your hometown, maybe they can move in with you until they’re back on their feet?

[magnoliaparadise]

Your friend might not be ready for this (yet), but there are a ton (ton) of divorced woman FB groups and meetup groups for different areas, by locality. I'm single, but not divorced, but whoa, women I know who have gotten divorced here seem to have a huge very welcoming network which is very social (as well as supportive and helpful giving advice). A couple women whom I have known seem to have made truly deep life long friendships through these groups. So you may ask her if she wants help in seeing what other resources/mom's group/infrastructure of support there is out there.

But I also have to agree with mackmama's questions... we moved over a year ago and it is not easy to make roots, at least in certain parts of the country, IMHO. If your friend JUST moved, does not yet have friends, and is NOW going through all of this without support - and on top of it, has a child who is understandably struggling, which also requires a lot of time/energy/logistics/support, then it might be sooooooo great for her to return to her prior town and work on all this stuff there. The problem will be if her husband opposes that and they have not yet solidified the divorce (which takes so much time). Then she is basically stuck until everything is decided, including whether she can leave with her 15 year old. It sounds really hard. I feel for her.

[mom2binsd]

If the husband is the one driving the divorce (and if he has another woman as well), she may be able to use that to move back, but as a divorced parent I think it's important to give your kids the chance to have a relationship with their father and a long distance doensn't allow that. So without knowing the details it's hard to know what would be best. As well, if she moves away she won't have the other parent around when you need them to help with all the parenting duties (my x moved just far enough way that he got out of helping with everything during the week, but we did every other weekend for many years). If he's a threat to the girls well being, or going to be a detriment to them, then she should go where she has support, but many judges will not allow it. What a jerk for doing this, he obviously knew he what he was doing. I hope your friend has a good attorney, and is able to dig into what he's been up to, I'm sorry to say I know way too many men (and women) who are doing so many shady things behind their spouses backs, people have no idea about how common it is sadly.

I'd just see what she wants from you and if possible visit asap.

[jawilli4]

Do you know how DF is doing? What helped me the most during a separation in my marriage is that a friend called me every.single.morning to make sure I was okay and out of bed. It was one of the only memories I hold dear about that time and probably the biggest thing that kept me sane. (Therapy was a close second.)

[DualvansMommy]

Quite a ****ty thing your friends husband did. I would petition after getting a good atty ASAP (maybe that’s something you can help to find her a good kickass attorney if your friend doesn’t have one yet?)

Def try to petition for a move back home if she feels it will be in her best and kids interest to do so. Especially with the move being so recent and probably cannot afford the new home mortgage on her own. Something tells me the ex prob won’t want to keep on paying the hefty mortgage if he’s living elsewhere too. I see it happen all the time. Wife move and gets stuck in a town she isn’t happy cuz it was the husbands move and have to wait till the kids were old enough to get a move happen again.

Offer to take your friends kids over for a weekend. Especially if her kids get along with yours, might help your friend to focus on her agenda. And def recommend the school counselor option to your friend too, this is exactly the kind of thing the social worker at school is hired for.


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[niccig]

She needs to see an attorney. Some states have a time period before considered a resident to file for divorce, or one state may have more favorable family law. She needs to get legal advice.


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