SIL with Xmas eve? Deep breaths.

[DualvansMommy]

This is gonna be long, and this type of posting is right up for the bitching forum but I'm wanting feedback since my approach isn't working so far! hence my vast annoyance with said SIL.

We normally get together with DH's extended family, including his parents and his brother with his family of 7 along with cousins, etc. Easily over 35 people for this shindig every year Xmas Eve. Part of the night is that the hostess which is usually one of the cousins in years past, I did host one year but reverted back to said cousin cuz my place is too small (it isn't really as it is 2,800 sq feet but coming from the main cousins homes of 4-6K sq feet homes that it is small to them) doing the Santa visit with presents handed out to the younger cousins including my kids.

Last year the cousin announced in her email that she wasn't doing the Santa 2-3 days prior the gathering which I was annoyed since it left me no backup options to do the Santa thing with my own kids. So I told DH now that we know and do it differently next year.

The Grandparents on both sides are getting OLDER; late 80's to 90 years old. Cousins are getting older, in fact one of the "younger" cousin is getting married this month, to give you perspective! The Xmas eve gathering feels bit forced in last 2 years. DH and I are ALWAYS left out in main lengthy conversations cuz we can't follow being deaf, and frankly it's getting old for us. But more importantly, DS1 is noticing that no one talks to his mommy and daddy at those gatherings and is starting to question me lately. I told DH last month I really wanted to host xmas eve in my own home this year just 4 of us with plans with our deaf friends and their kids during the day.

So we're doing that. Told everyone including SIL. but she isn't stopping in trying to change my mind???? In fact, she called the hostess of xmas eve to persuade her to bring back the Santa tradition back (something I NEVER gave permission or told to!) and is telling me that I've no reason NOT to go there since my main reason is invalid for not going there. Now she got another cousin with kids bit older but younger than SIL's kids INVOLVED telling her to come by too, but that cousin said no cuz of the wedding everyone is going hence redundant to see everyone else again next day for xmas eve. And now I'm really annoyed and sorely tempted to not reply back anymore to her nonsense because she doesn't seem to get it that no one else wants to do this xmas eve thing anymore!

how do I tell this annoying persistent SIL to just stop and pulling more people in to change my mind?? in fact, I saw last year's Santa decision as a blessing in disguise because it is giving us a grateful out to start our own traditions, kwim? I really really don't want to be among family and people in general that can't be bothered to include myself and/or DH in their conversations as well.

[MSWR0319]

Just tell her that you're not coming and have decided to start your on family traditions on Christmas Eve. And then ignore her.

[dogmom]

Dear sister-in,
I really appreciate you trying to include us in the continued Christmas celebration. We’ve really cherished these holiday gatherings over the years, and I personally have felt very loved and including into the family. Although I was saddened by the decision to not have Santa last year, I realize given the changing needs all of the extended family it made sense. Part of the reason it probably made me sad to realize my DS will be too old for Santa before I know it. But we are really excited about the new traditions our family are starting, because every holiday tradition starts this way! I realize those gatherings had gotten so large it’s hard to spend time with everyone at them. We would love to see you for NY day brunch-the Sunday between the holidays-MLK-insert some convient time for you here, so we can spend time with you. Maybe we can invite-insert some other relatives names here-and enjoy each other’s company. I’m realizing the holiday spirt isn’t just one day and I want to spread the love and joy around to everyone in our lives.

Sure you are blowing her off, but in a very nice way Miss Manners would approve of and if she continues to badger you or take offense that’s her issue, not yours. That’s the true point of manners, to ease friction and given cover.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I personally think I would just call out the main problem- the exclusion due to being deaf. I think if she was so proactive getting Santa back, maybe she could channel her desire to connect with awareness (and change) to help you be more a part of the conversations.

[DualvansMommy]

I personally think I would just call out the main problem- the exclusion due to being deaf. I think if she was so proactive getting Santa back, maybe she could channel her desire to connect with awareness (and change) to help you be more a part of the conversations.

I agree. It’s a lost cause though, as i have called on various people over the years at different gathering points. DH just gives up and picks one or two people to talk with then play with our kids rest of night! I see it as partly DH’s fault for not calling attention to the issue long before I came into the picture, cuz he can follow better since he grew up with those various family members. I haven’t, so I struggle more and since marrying into his family 13 years ago, an only child with very small extended family, it is a whole new ball game for me.

It may be bit “cowardly” but I truly give up at this point and just rather go my own way now. The oldies aren’t gonna pick up the effort to learn sign language, as they barely can get themselves going as it is. I just see this opportunity as a perfect chance to break away from everyone else and do our own thing now.


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[niccig]

Just tell her that you're not coming and have decided to start your on family traditions on Christmas Eve. And then ignore her.

This. Have the same statement ready and repeat as necessary.

The first time you break with precedent is difficult, it’ll get easier next year and the years after.


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[jgenie]

This. Have the same statement ready and repeat as necessary.

The first time you break with precedent is difficult, it’ll get easier next year and the years after.


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:yeahthat: The first year we didn’t go to our extended family Xmas it was a surprise to everyone. I still have a couple of people try to convince us to return but we spent a lot of time hanging around waiting for people to have time for us and have no desire to spend our vacation time that way. I just say we’re happy to visit at other times of the year but Xmas will be celebrated in our home for the foreseeable future.

[AngB]

I agree with the others that you are totally justified in skipping it and starting your own traditions.

I think it may possibly also be possible to try some sort of compromise, maybe? Only you would know if this might work but several years ago we had a big falling out with my grandfather a couple years before he died, when over Thanksgiving DS1 and DS2 were being typically preschoolers bickering over a toy for a couple minutes and my grandfather exploded in an over the top manner- screaming in their faces and getting way, way out of line. Our kids are the only children in this family. After that, our top priority was not exposing our kids to anything like that again, but my grandmother was/is older and was heartbroken over the whole thing. Prior to this, we had spent 5-6 hours from late afternoon to evening on Christmas Eve at their house every year. We ended up changing things in the following years by stopping by much, much later- like at 7pm after they had already ate and cleaned up and were exchanging gifts. Our kids were already in their Christmas pj's when we went over. That gave my grandmother and family a chance to see the kids for a bit, we were able to give them our gift, and see them open the gifts they gave them (gifts they would have sent even if we hadn't shown up,etc.) , but we were only there for an hour or so and left. I didn't really make it about my grandfather but about wanting to spend time with our own family and starting our own christmas eve traditions making cookies at home, etc. , even though obviously even unsaid everyone knew that had a lot to do with it. My grandparents both only lived a couple years after that incident so I am glad we did make it work. I don't know enough about your family dynamics,etc. to know if that could be a possible solution for you but just thought I would throw it out there maybe?

[TwinFoxes]

Just tell her that you're not coming and have decided to start your on family traditions on Christmas Eve. And then ignore her.

I agree. Make it crystal clear one more time, maybe tell her to stop making it awkward, and then ignore. Also, DH needs to step up, it's his annoying family.

[ahisma]

Dear SIL,

Thank you so much for your love and generosity. As we've already sent out our invitations, our plans are concrete. Please know that we've cherished the family gatherings and are grateful for your hospitality. We're at a stage where we need to chart our own ground on Christmas Eve to reflect our own family's needs.

[ezcc]

If this is your dh's extended family, I would try and push most of the conversation (blame?) onto him. As long as he is fine not going, I would just stick to your guns- no lengthy explanations needed. I hate a lot of this forced holiday cheer and getting together especially in large groups. I do go to one on my side of the family because I like to see them, but dh skips it every year- nobody even asks me where he is any more :). I have some more distant cousins who probably think I have gotten divorced. We rarely do the one on his side, just make time to see his mom & sisters with their families at some point.

[bisous]

Dear SIL,

Thank you so much for your love and generosity. As we've already sent out our invitations, our plans are concrete. Please know that we've cherished the family gatherings and are grateful for your hospitality. We're at a stage where we need to chart our own ground on Christmas Eve to reflect our own family's needs.

I like this wording a lot. It is gracious but it also shuts it down.

OP, I’m a huge fan of family get together and they are very important to me but it does sound like you and DH are ready to move on, so you should. :)

[mommy111]

Just to give another perspective, I’m a huge fan of large family gatherings and traditions and would do everything to keep these traditions alive. People die too soon and these are cherished traditions that your kids will remember....Christmas with the extended family. If your issue is the exclusion, I would mention that and have them work on it. Obviously they value your company enough to make an effort, so maybe they will make an effort with this as well
of course if your decision is made and it is to pull out, I would just say so and then rinse and repeat

[mikala]

Just to give another perspective, I’m a huge fan of large family gatherings and traditions and would do everything to keep these traditions alive. People die too soon and these are cherished traditions that your kids will remember....Christmas with the extended family. If your issue is the exclusion, I would mention that and have them work on it. Obviously they value your company enough to make an effort, so maybe they will make an effort with this as well
of course if your decision is made and it is to pull out, I would just say so and then rinse and repeatThis matches my thoughts. My family stopped the big gatherings when my last grandparent died and I really miss seeing everyone and wish my kids could still experience it.

[DualvansMommy]

Thanks to all who gave good advice. I told SIL last night we’re bowing out this year and will be starting new traditions on our own going forward.

I’m all for family gatherings but it’s too much this year with the rehearsal, wedding, one of grandma’s birthday, the Xmas eve and Xmas day from Friday to Tuesday. And it’s the same 30 plus people as the base number for some of those events and more at other events. Makes my introvert personality scream a bit.


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[DualvansMommy]

Seriously????

After telling SIL that no thanks, we’re starting our new traditions going forward.

DH and I got a text from his brother saying that

“ I understand from mom and dad that you are planning not to go to cousin’s but instead may host a smaller Christmas Eve at home. I’m sure this arrangment works for your family (as you will see the extended family the next day on Christmas at other cousin’s) but this change in plans is really challenging for my family, particularly because it unilaterally breaks with a longstanding tradition and prevents my wife, me, and the kids from spending any time with our extended family since everyone on the wife’s side arranges to be together on Christmas day (so that our extended can have Christmas Eve together as we always do). I know that both mom and dad are disappointed by the change too but do not want to cause any trouble. And I am sure Host cousin is also confused and disappointed not to see everyone”

And on on and on. But the unilaterally word is what burns me the most.

Implying that because of our decision to start our new traditions, were completely changing everything up for SIL??

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I mean. I don’t have siblings, or even a big family. But I honestly don’t get it?? And I told DH you’re the point person for every family interaction going forward on his side. I deal with mine.




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[MSWR0319]

Seriously????

After telling SIL that no thanks, we’re starting our new traditions going forward.

DH and I got a text from his brother saying that

“ I understand from mom and dad that you are planning not to go to cousin’s but instead may host a smaller Christmas Eve at home. I’m sure this arrangment works for your family (as you will see the extended family the next day on Christmas at other cousin’s) but this change in plans is really challenging for my family, particularly because it unilaterally breaks with a longstanding tradition and prevents my wife, me, and the kids from spending any time with our extended family since everyone on the wife’s side arranges to be together on Christmas day (so that our extended can have Christmas Eve together as we always do). I know that both mom and dad are disappointed by the change too but do not want to cause any trouble. And I am sure Host cousin is also confused and disappointed not to see everyone”

And on on and on. But the unilaterally word is what burns me the most.

Implying that because of our decision to start our new traditions, were completely changing everything up for SIL??

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I mean. I don’t have siblings, or even a big family. But I honestly don’t get it?? And I told DH you’re the point person for every family interaction going forward on his side. I deal with mine.




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I'm so sorry! There's always drama with change it seems. How is your DH feeling about the backlash? I would just offer to get together with them another time if that's what they want. The get together is still going on right? They can go there and see everyone else and then you can get together with them at a later date for dinner or something if that's what you want.

[hwin708]

Okay, I'm gonna be the voice of dissent, because I do have a sibling and a close extended family, and what you are discussing would definitely launch WWIII in my family.

Here's what I am missing - do you do Christmas Day with your DH's family? Or, by bowing out of Christmas Eve, are you no longer celebrating with his family, and doing "your own thing" from now on?

I mean, every family has to make their own choices. But this would be a HUGE deal in my family. Living nearby, and not going to see my parents and sibling and cousins etc on Christmas?? HUGE. I'm not sure where you are getting the impression that the rest of them are over this? Scaling down does happen naturally as the kids get bigger, but that does not mean that people don't want to do it any more. It just means they are changing with the times. Just like things will change as those kids grow up, some move away, and some start having grandbabies right in town. None of that equates to "don't want to get the whole family together any more."

I also understand where your SIL is coming from. She does Christmas day with her side of the family, Christmas Eve with her DH's side. So does canceling this Christmas Eve celebration mean she is now changing her plans with her family? Does it mean they aren't seeing your family at all, and you are surprised that upsets them?

This is just definitely not a decision that would be made without drama in most families, tbh.

[DualvansMommy]

Okay, I'm gonna be the voice of dissent, because I do have a sibling and a close extended family, and what you are discussing would definitely launch WWIII in my family.

Here's what I am missing - do you do Christmas Day with your DH's family? Or, by bowing out of Christmas Eve, are you no longer celebrating with his family, and doing "your own thing" from now on?

I mean, every family has to make their own choices. But this would be a HUGE deal in my family. Living nearby, and not going to see my parents and sibling and cousins etc on Christmas?? HUGE. I'm not sure where you are getting the impression that the rest of them are over this? Scaling down does happen naturally as the kids get bigger, but that does not mean that people don't want to do it any more. It just means they are changing with the times. Just like things will change as those kids grow up, some move away, and some start having grandbabies right in town. None of that equates to "don't want to get the whole family together any more."

I also understand where your SIL is coming from. She does Christmas day with her side of the family, Christmas Eve with her DH's side. So does canceling this Christmas Eve celebration mean she is now changing her plans with her family? Does it mean they aren't seeing your family at all, and you are surprised that upsets them?

This is just definitely not a decision that would be made without drama in most families, tbh.

Historically, we’ve always done the whole extended family on Xmas Eve and my mom who’s out of the country is usually invited whenever she’s in town visiting.

Xmas Day morning, we go over DH’s parents who host us for coffee, bagels and antipasto platters. DH’s brother, wife and their kids come as well. It’s smaller and more intimate before they go on to SIL’s parents and we go on to spend late afternoon with another cousin on DH’s side.

So honestly, they’re not missing out on seeing everyone?? They still see each side of their family over Xmas eve and day. With us deciding to stay home for Xmas Eve is not cancelling out the traditional Xmas eve. Just that it means four of us is not gonna be there.

Another factor for us is that it’s time for MY family to start thinking about spending Xmas with MY side of family. My parents are getting older and not likely able to travel 3K miles very soon.


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[jgenie]

I get that they’re upset you won’t be joining them. I wouldn’t let that change your plans to make a new tradition that works better for your nuclear family. The first year is always the hardest. Next year will be easier.

[niccig]

Your DH needs to reply as it’s HIS family. He has to be the one that deals with this as it’ll be received better.

My suggestion: I’m sorry you feel that way.

If you will still see them on Christmas Day morning as it sounds, he can add. We will still see you Christmas morning.

Then nothing more.


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