How do I ask DD to handle this?

[Myira]

We moved in August and are now in a new school district and DD is in 5th grade public school. Today we dropped her a bit early and DD said she sat by herself reading a book in the gymnasium since she did not see any friends around. So after a while "the popular group"(DD's name for this group of kids) of kids came there and started remarking "Look at you...all alone...don't you have any friends? Poor you". On top of this, DD was shocked when a girl named E came and joined them and acted as if she did not even know my DD, when DD considers her a friend and they are part of the same group at lunch. Later E acted as if this never happened.

DD said she feels sometimes that may be this would not happen if she was white.

I'm at a complete loss here. Other than deciding to never drop her early, I don't know how I should help her deal with situations like this in the future. I would have a problem if an entire group targeted me and I'm an adult. I'm very introverted and shy and I have social anxiety and probably so does DD. I cannot imagine being targeted like this, its like my worst fears come true.

Tell me if I'm over-reacting.

TIA.

[Green_Tea]

I am in bed and falling asleep and can’t answer fully, but as both a mom
and a 5th grade teacher I wanted to tell you that you are not overreacting. My heart hurts reading this.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think you're overreacting at all.

How awful for your DD. I honestly don't know what to tell you though. Ignoring doesn't work in those situations. But neither does reacting. One of my DDs would straight up say "hey, that's not nice. I'm just reading." But she'd still be sad and hurt, especially when it comes to "E". (FWIW, my other DD would scream at them which would probably get them all, including DD, in trouble). I don't know your school, but there's probably some reason she thinks there's a race element. I'm sorry. :(

[pinay]

You're not overreacting, that's awful that your daughter had to experience this.

I'm not sure how to handle the popular group dynamic, unfortunately some kids just feed on being mean to others so that they can feel superior. But, I would try to coach your DD so that she can have a conversation with E about why she behaved the way that she did. Obviously, this is a conversation she should have privately with just E, and if she can practice so that she can say what she needs to in a somewhat offhand, casual manner would probably be best. E may not have known how to stick up for her friend, but she shouldn't just be "let off the hook" so to speak or she will continue to be a bystander/participant in situations like these.

I would probably also do a little bit of probing to see why she thinks this happened because of her skin color... seems like there may be something else going on that's lead her to this conclusion.

[Myira]

I would have to say that it’s not diverse enough, or she feels like it would be easier to fit in more and stand out less if her skin color was different. That’s just how I interpreted it I don’t know if there is more to it. I’ll try and ask her tomorrow.


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[georgiegirl]

I’m so sorry she’s dealing with that. That’s awful and I don’t think you are overreacting.

How diverse is the school? Was there more girls of the same race at her prior school? Because she thinks the behavior might be racially based, I’d contact the school counselor.

[dogmom]

I think you can take a two prong approach. As far as the group goes I would contact the guidance counselor about it. Most schools have programs and policies about bullying. I know some people here have not gotten support from the school in similar situations, but my school could not have been more helpful and definitely took my concerns seriously. It also helped tha they were able to confirm this was not my daughter causing the problem. (Completely different situation and my daughter did show some bad judgement in her reactions.)

As far as the “friend” I think you can role play with your daughter how she wants to handle it. Maybe her being able to describe to her friend how it made her feel and seeing her response. Also, in this process you will learn more about how this is effecting your daughter and her fears.

And as far as race, big hugs. It both makes it more seriously and hard to talk about since it tends to make white people so defensive. It’s hard to have an honest conversation about it. I’m unclear what advice to offer hear. I would encourage you to seek out other mothering groups that have more minorities for advice.

I’m sorry.

[123LuckyMom]

These encounters can be super hurtful and really puzzling to young people (and older people.) I don’t know if your daughter can work up the courage to respond, but if she does, it will most likely stop the other group’s behavior. I’d rehearse a response that names the behavior for what it is and shows that it’s not having the desired effect of hurting the intended target. How about, “WOW, that was impressively mean, though not terribly creative. Do you feel a little better about yourself now that you’ve tried to insult someone else? Is there anything else I can do to help?” Or “Gosh, picking on a person just hanging out and reading. You must be feeling really insecure today. Is there anything I can do to help?” The response your DD might get will probably be mean, like, “yes, you can die” or something, because she will have turned the tables on her attacker, but the point is to let the mean girl know that she doesn’t have the upper hand. All she’s doing is letting your DD and all of her “friends” see her own insecurities. If your DD fights back, she won’t continue to be a target. They’ll move on to someone else.

As for your DD’s friend, that’s a private conversation. It’s important for your DD to know whether this girl is going to continue to be her friend or is more interested in popularity than true friendship. What you can do for your DD, though, is explain to her that this mean behavior happens in all times and all places at this age (and for those who don’t grow out of it, throughout their lives). None of this is personally about her. All of this is about people jockeying for a place in the social order and trying to boost their own confidence or position at the expense of others. It sucks, and it doesn’t only happen to individuals. It happens to entire groups of people. Hello racism (and all the other isms.) The better she can understand what’s really going on here and not internalize these mean messages but rather see them for what they are, another’s attempt to rise by stepping on the head of another, the better she’ll be able to stand up for herself and others. It might not hurt any less, but at least she’ll know it really isn’t a commentary on her worthiness. It’s really a commentary on their insecurities.


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[vonfirmath]

We moved in August and are now in a new school district and DD is in 5th grade public school. Today we dropped her a bit early and DD said she sat by herself reading a book in the gymnasium since she did not see any friends around. So after a while "the popular group"(DD's name for this group of kids) of kids came there and started remarking "Look at you...all alone...don't you have any friends? Poor you". On top of this, DD was shocked when a girl named E came and joined them and acted as if she did not even know my DD, when DD considers her a friend and they are part of the same group at lunch. Later E acted as if this never happened.

DD said she feels sometimes that may be this would not happen if she was white.

I'm at a complete loss here. Other than deciding to never drop her early, I don't know how I should help her deal with situations like this in the future. I would have a problem if an entire group targeted me and I'm an adult. I'm very introverted and shy and I have social anxiety and probably so does DD. I cannot imagine being targeted like this, its like my worst fears come true.

Tell me if I'm over-reacting.

TIA.

My son (6th grader, somewhat socially inept. Loves to read.) has a friend who does this. When they are together, he is friends with my son. But when another, more popular kid is around, he just melds into the group and won't stand up for his friendship. My son does not have a lot of friends so has decided to still be friendly with this other boy -- but to realize he's an unreliable friend at this stage.

[jacksmomtobe]

As others have suggested I would consider getting guidance involved. Perhaps they can help her make connections and/or deepen her existing connections with other girls so she feel more a part of the school community and then won't be bothered by these girls. I think if she has her own group she will feel less impacted by what these so called "popular girls" are doing. I would also as others mentioned explain to her at this age many children (as a mom of an older boy and a ms girl I think it is much more prevalent with girls) say hurtful things to make themselves feel better. I would explain that what these girls are doing is more about them than her. As far as E I think she unfortunately joined in the group to either increase her social currency or because she just didn't know how to handle it. How she handles E is really up to her...maybe a conversation to help figure out why E acted the way she did or maybe she should be a bit wary of that friendship. I hope this situation gets better! It stinks when your other kids are mean to your children.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My son (6th grader, somewhat socially inept. Loves to read.) has a friend who does this. When they are together, he is friends with my son. But when another, more popular kid is around, he just melds into the group and won't stand up for his friendship. My son does not have a lot of friends so has decided to still be friendly with this other boy -- but to realize he's an unreliable friend at this stage.

I admit, I was that friend. :( Unreliable is a good word. Back in middle school, I was just so insecure and I was right on the bubble of the popular crowd. I didn't want to lose standing there. I eventually learned that my better friends weren't in that most popular group and it was hard for me to "back track" once I did...karma at work, I guess. Those ages are just rough socially.

Tell her to hang in there and the good friends will emerge.

[hillview]

As a white mom of a white male, if that were my child I would email the teachers and even the principal. I would find that really mean and extra worrisome if she feels it is a race motivated situation. I am so so sorry. It kind of doesn't matter if it is or was not race driven (I mean it DOES) if she thinks it is that is enough for me.

ETA
Oh and you asked how to help DD handle it. Gosh I don't know I think this might be above her age level to handle solo. That said I think there is an element of handling it, I think options could include going to a monitor (teacher) if there is one there. Practicing ignoring people who are mean and if she is up to it standing up for herself (could be "you should try reading a book sometime" or more assertive "stop being bullies and leave me alone") but it sounds like this would be hard for her (and most of us).

[mommy111]

I have no solutions, but 5th grade girls are just mean little $&@&. They grow up eventually but if I could do it again, I’d probably pull my kid out and homeschool her in 4th and 5th because those were tough years here

[nfceagles]

I have no solutions, but 5th grade girls are just mean little $&@&. They grow up eventually but if I could do it again, I’d probably pull my kid out and homeschool her in 4th and 5th because those were tough years here

[emoji22] it’s proving a tough year for my socially awkward 5th grader too. Would love to homeschool but she actually loves school itself. Reassuring, even if sad, to hear it’s a tough age range.


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[Myira]

Thanks all for your responses. I emailed her teacher and the school counselor. I got responses from both of them assuring me that they take this thing seriously and have discussed with the principal and will take steps to curtail this. The counselor also talked to my DD and told her that anytime this happens she can report it to an adult in the vicinity. Overall, I'm quite happy with the school's response and anti-bullying policies.
DD was upset I emailed the school this morning. I talked to her teacher at pick-up as well, and again she was very re-assuring.

[smilequeen]

I don't have a daughter, but I went through stuff like that. I wish I knew what to say, but I just remember that middle school sucks. Not all girls are mean girls, but man, the ones who are...girls can be SO SO mean. And some of the girls who aren't mean, aren't strong enough to stand up to the ones who are, even if they aren't being picked on...Middle school is a really hard time for girls I think. I'm so sorry. I know it sucks to see your kids go through this stuff. Glad the school is responding!

[kdeunc]

I have no solutions, but 5th grade girls are just mean little $&@&. They grow up eventually but if I could do it again, I’d probably pull my kid out and homeschool her in 4th and 5th because those were tough years here

Yes to this! DD is in the 5th grade. We are currently struggling with a group of 4 girls who alternate being best buddies to being really snotty. Right now, DD is on the receiving end of most of the "ganging up" behavior. One on one the girls friends but group behavior can be different. DD is sensitive and a people pleaser so I am trying to encourage her to put a little space in the group. It is hard to see their feelings hurt, particularly by people they consider friends. This mean girl behavior may kill me!

[khm]

I don't know if she'd find it reassuring at all, but this happened in my daughter's group too and the girls were all the same race. It is just a BRUTAL age. I'm not saying they aren't using race as an issue, because they very well may be doing that.

But, if it weren't that, it'd be that she danced for a different studio, played on a different soccer team, failed at goalie, that she packed gross thing in her lunch, that her leggings weren't X brand, or she's still wearing "little kid" Y brand, that she wore her hair in the wrong way, that she talked to so-and-so, that she kisses up to teacher Z, or any other made-up crap. Next week, it'll likely be a different kid. :(

I'm so sorry she's going through this! My daughter is past that age now, but whew, it was a doozy.

[scrooks]

Ugh! My dd is in 5th grade and while we haven’t experienced anything yet (at least anything she has shared with me), I know it’s coming. She is not into conformity and tends to do her own thing. I’m glad all we 5th grade girl moms can commiserate!