Intentional Activities/Decisions to Build Character

[Dcclerk]

I talk about character constantly. It is probably the biggest topic of discussion in our house. Heck, it is in our family motto/values. And, yet, I'm not convinced that is doing much good.:crying::thumbsdown: So we are going to do a real assessment about whether we are actually living our values this upcoming Winter Break, and I am willing to institute some pretty major changes to have our values take a priority.

While we will limit screen time and social media more than we have, I also want to increase the things that we do that are more intentionally moving toward character. I think the inflow in what has been going in via the stories they've been reading online or conversations they have been having with friends has been closer to trash, rather than the values that we want our kids to develop. Some ideas we have had so far are:


Having them read biographies of people with great character and summarizing the major turning points and take-aways (and, if you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them)
Having a virtue or value each month that we focus on, and have them come up with 3-5 things that we do to cultivate that virtue/value (any resources or ideas for this would be greatly appreciated)
Making our vacations and/or some trips be more service-oriented, rather than entertainment-for-us oriented
Requiring some level of volunteer commitment each month
Having them work on more creative projects so they do less consuming of what other people are creating


Any other ideas? I really do not want to push them away from us, because we are a big drag that makes them do hard, not fun things. I don't see any of the items that I listed as punishment, but I recognize that my kids may. Nevertheless, I truly believe that character and service of others is the most important thing I can instill in them next to faith, so I'm ready to do some bigger things, too. (E.g. change schools to one that prioritizes character, etc.) I feel like I'm inadvertently creating a self-focus/happiness-focused/success-focused family culture, and I really need to stop that before I launch them into the world. Most would not consider them entitled, but we are lacking the depth that I think we should have, and each one is starting to make some questionable decisions (some more than others) so I am open to any ideas to help make it happen.

[ourbabygirl]

I don't have any suggestions right now, but wanted to say thank you for starting this thread!
Not sure what ages your kids are, but I'm finding that with my 8 and 10 year olds, screen (iPad) time is turning them into selfish, cranky little monsters.
I, too, would love our family to have hearts for service, and to have my kids use much more kind language in talking to one another and us.

I'm having particular trouble with my 10 year old, who has a very negative attitude lately, and with whom I've been butting heads for the last year or so. She is so disrespectful in how she talks to me, but doesn't see anything wrong with it. I bought them both the "Big Life Journal" (hoping it comes in time for Christmas), in an effort to work on growth mindset and get out of the rut of pessimism that they're stuck in.

I'm also listening to the conversations between the kids when they have friends over... DD's friends are o.k., but they're not super respectful in how they talk to me, either :thumbsdown:, so I may be limiting/ not encouraging visits with those kids.

I'll be watching this thread for ideas! :popc1:

[ged]

Looking forward to this thread as well. I am also struggling with this, though I think a part of it is because I am not tuned into this enough, personally :/...and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[mnj77]

I think it's interesting that you're thinking about changing schools. We lucked into two schools that intentionally build character and community and don't tolerate unkind behavior, and I think that has been at least as formative as our influence as parents. They spend a lot of time at school. You probably can't preach or talk them into having character, and you might push them away if you try.

[bisous]

OP, I love that you started this thread. I think about things like this a whole lot but I don't think I'm doing as many things are you are! I am fortunate in that my oldest two kids are naturally charitable and extremely kind. Of course I thought it was something that I did but as my youngest two are NOT naturally that way I am more inclined to think it is in their personality.

One thing we do is have a weekly family meeting that focuses on our values. For us this includes talking about everything from religious principles such as faith, to things like practicing good manners and hygiene, but yes, we also try to work on values such as service and gratitude too. This is a Mormon practice (it is called Family Home Evening) but I think it could be adapted to any family and any faith (or no faith for that matter).

After living with this kind of system for all my life and seeing in action closely as a parent, there are a couple of things that I think make this kind of instruction more meaningful and lasting.

I think it needs to start out fun. I think we can gently lead our kids into all kinds of good things by starting out lightly and inviting rather than forcing. My kids have started out on service projects from a goal of being with their friends but have developed a real love for working on projects around older peoples homes, or cleaning up natural places, or visiting in nursing homes, etc.

I think it needs to be genuine from the parents point of view too. I find it so much easier to naturally convey my enthusiasm for a project if I'm legitimately pumped to do it. I feel like if I want to see my kids do something I start by working on myself and it is easier for them too.

I think it needs to come from a place of love. It starts with love from you for them and for others too. Eventually with exposure and experience service can be something they love too.

I think it is hard because sometimes service can seem self-serving in an ironic way. Doing things for others is incredibly fulfilling and satisfying. It shouldn't be the reason why we do nice things for other people, but I don't necessarily think that it is a terrible thing at the outset of a life of service.

There is a great program on the BYU Channel that is called Turning Point about people who have made their whole lives about service and have started some life changing projects. It highlights people all over the world from all backgrounds doing everything from starting soup kitchens and schools in foreign countries, to teaching ballet in LA schools, to training therapy dogs. I love the program and highly recommend it but I also have observed from watching it that the process to truly becoming service oriented starts with observation and dabbling in many different opportunities. Until it changes and a real need and passion is developed and pursued.

I hope this helps a little. It was nice to get my thoughts down. I don't actually think our family does as much service as many of the families on this board based on what I've read. When we started this month, which is supposed to be a month devoted to serving others, I was hardpressed to come up with a great service opportunity for our family. I am vowing to make that turn out differently next year and then maybe I'll be able to speak from a better position of authority!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Dh and I volunteer regularly and have for all of our kids’ lives. Instead of a “beat them over the head”/ trying to make them feel gratitude, seeing our priorities and willingness to volunteer has established a really good foundation in our family. Ds1 started doing more volunteering in high school and ds2 tags along a lot on my projects (and helps some). So, OP, do you and dh volunteer? Do your kids see that giving and generosity regularly? I really think that goes a long way.


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[MSWR0319]

I'm having particular trouble with my 10 year old, who has a very negative attitude lately, and with whom I've been butting heads for the last year or so. She is so disrespectful in how she talks to me, but doesn't see anything wrong with it. I bought them both the "Big Life Journal" (hoping it comes in time for Christmas), in an effort to work on growth mindset and get out of the rut of pessimism that they're stuck in.



My 10 year old is the same way. I'm starting to think it's the age and the hormones starting to change.

It's become more apparent to me in the last few weeks that the best way I can teach my kids good character is by having that trait myself. They learn from seeing things. Last year DS went with me to pick out toys/clothes for a family a club I'm in adopted for Christmas. He really enjoyed it and just asked yesterday if we could adopt a family because he didn't get to go with me this year. He wanted to go to the store immediately and buy things once we found out who we got. This is coming from a child who at home seems to care more about himself than anyone else. He's learning. He sees what's happening and recognizes that what we did last year was kind and generous and he was truly excited to help. This is the kid who gets jealous at birthday parties because he didn't get a gift (his love language is gifts). But he was really adamant about doing this for kids in need.

I'm also very big into volunteering with the activities the kids are in or things at their school. He has just recently also asked if he can help volunteer. I really think it's because he sees it happening and isn't being preached upon or forced to do something. He's my kid that if forced to do something will hate it no matter what. I'm seeing that leading by example is a very important piece of teaching character.

How old are your kids? Depending on age, they just may not be at the point where it's all sunk in yet.

[marymoo86]

The single biggest thing a parent can do is MODEL.

What your kids see you do, say, behave has far more reaching consequences (good/bad) than any other thing you can do.

[magnoliaparadise]

Wow, thank you for starting this thread. I have not done this (yet). I feel like we are SO VERY MUCH trying to dig ourselves out of hole(s) into normalcy that things like this take a back seat. Not good, but true.

I am going to re read this when I have more time. Thank you so much for starting this.

[Dcclerk]

Thank you to everyone who posted. It is helpful to get other people's perspectives and thoughts. My kids are older than the majority of posters here, so they definitely get the concepts. But it is the implementation of doing the right thing, even when it is hard and being selfless and generous in time and resources that is hard for them.

In terms of the modeling, we do the one-off things (e.g. Build a house in Mexico, adopt a family at Christmas every year, help out an urban cleanup project quarterly, adopt a child through Compassion/World Vision, etc.), but it isn't every week or even every month. I've always justified this with the fact that both my DH and I work and in helping professions so get pretty tapped out, but maybe we need to up our game. And, our kids know in theory we give 15-20% of our income to charity, but they don't actually see that at work. It is automatically deposited, and they don't help with choosing our charities so it really probably doesn't mean a lot to them.

I think we could institute a family meeting a la Bisous and shine some light on what we do a little bit more. I think that sometimes we need to make explicit what we are doing to live out our values. We went to a memorial service yesterday, and I had the whole family volunteering to help set up before the service. While there was some meaningful grumbling going in, they all stepped up and felt good about their contributions.

Like I said above, I would love some suggestions for biographies of people of great character or other resources that my kids could do some research on their own and then let us know what they have learned. If you don't know about Character Lab, it is a neat resource from Angela Duckworth because it is research-based: https://www.characterlab.org

I'd love to keep the conversation going if others are thinking about this, too...

[HannaAddict]

The single biggest thing a parent can do is MODEL.

What your kids see you do, say, behave has far more reaching consequences (good/bad) than any other thing you can do.

Exactly. And you can be successful and driven and still give back and be empathetic. And even with doing all the right things, smart, well parented kids and especially teens, can make all sorts of bad, dumb, not nice choices and it is our job to coach and guide and forgive and let them make better choices next time. I do think school can set a tone too. It isn’t everything. We are not even a little bit religious and are in independent schools (private) but have chosen schools that focus on kindness and character less than competitive or ivy climbing. They are fantastic schools and can compete with any school in town, but have fundamentally different values that imbue them and the kids. Middle school can still have meanness but not the same level or unchecked as at other schools in the area. Good luck and don’t be too hard on yourself and your kids. From posts over many years, you are a great parent and I am sure whatever bumps you are experiencing will smooth out.


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[dogmom]

I really struggled with whether to reply to this thread. Honestly most of the ideas I see suggested I think are overly complex, look good to adults, won’t work. Of course your kids are making questionable decisions! That’s what they do. They need to figure things out for themselves, with guidance. You don’t know what will or will not speak to them. My DS is 15. We have ALWAYS talked about our economic advantage even though in our town we are middle of the road. He is finally getting friends outside of town and some have expressed that they thought he was rich. We told him hundreds of times, but he needed to hear it from a peer.

The two things both my DH and I do is talk about how we try to live up to what is important, but especially talk about our failures and struggles. Modeling is important both ways. We also tend to ask them how they feel about something they did or did not do that wasn’t so awesome, not immediately go after it was wrong, etc.

Every kid is different. I used to talk all the time about “how you don’t know someone’s story” and that kid who is being mean might have a reason for it that has nothing to do with you. That spoke to me as a child. My DD finally told me that just made her feel like I didn’t care about her feelings when she was young. I felt like she lacked empathy and was trying to give her that character, but I was underestimating how she always questioned her worthiness even in her own family. The best of intentions can backfire.

Also as someone who sees and works with a wide variety of people in vulnerable times, I just cringe when someone talks about taking their family in worthy projects to teach them something. But that would be its own thread.

[lovin2shop]

It sounds like you have a great plan so far! I echo that I think that service projects are great to start on a casual basis, and if you can bring in their friends as well, it will be better received. Not sure how old your kids are, but my high school son and I are in Young Mens Service League. It has been really great as he has tried out many different service organizations, and has honed in on the ones that he really likes. At first, we signed up with along with his friends, but now if it is a charity that he likes, then he is even excited to do it with just me or on his own. While I love to volunteer, there are definitely certain things that I enjoy more than others. To prevent resentment, I really think you need make your kids do service work because they like to do it, not because forced. Otherwise, it will just be one huge annoyance that they can't wait to get out on their own so they don't have to do it anymore.

On a similar note with the biographies, I think that the ultimate goal would be for them to actually want to read the books, not be forced to. I remember being very interested in biographies when I was younger, and they were definitely character building, so I totally understand why you want this for them. And, I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some suggestions as well. My 16 yr old DS read the Phil Knight (NIKE) book Shoe Dog and absolutely loved it. I haven't read it to know what ages it is appropriate for however. I would like to find some other similar options. My boys are very big into sports, so I get better reading out of them when we stick to a topic of interest. I would start by giving them a book or two that you think they will like, and I wouldn't force any kind of book report on them. I love to read all kinds of books, but I would not enjoy having to write a report about what I got out of each book.

[bisous]

Yes, I think messages are best absorbed when they are enjoyed. I know you limit media but i know there are great inspirational movies that I think teach about character. We just watched it’s a wonderful life again and I love it so much. I showed my kids Miracle to teach them about hardwork and drive. On my list is Chariots of Fire. I can probably think of tons of others.

[janeybwild]

I think it’s hard to teach this. I think you have to live it, show it, breath it, expect it. In all ways from respect for self to care of others.

[ehmom]

Someone referenced this a bit up thread, but I just wanted to reiterate the point. Try to make sure that any trips you take or volunteering you do for organizations is focused on how and why you are actually serving people. Don’t make the service about teaching your kids something, or helping them see how good they have it. Ask yourself if your actions are really about other people’s welfare, or if they are really about somehow improving yourself or your kids.