magnoliaparadise
12-14-2018, 06:20 AM
I'd love your advice...
Have you ever been accused of something by a friend (eg sharing private information) that you are PRETTY sure you didn't do - but you start having doubts and wonder if maybe you did do it? Depending upon your views, you are either defending yourself that you didn't do it or apologize profusely. But if you are not sure if you did something wrong, it's a weird feeling!!
One of my extended family members, a second cousin whose family has 'felt' more like first cousins - I'll call her 'Emma' - is my age-ish and although I rarely see her (maybe 1-2x a year at family things), I love and am friends with besides being cousins. But she seemed super cold to me at a recent family event (bar mitzvah of another cousin). I was surprised, but chalked it up to the normal stress about other things and this time of year.
A week ago, Emma called (rare for her), and said she was very angry and hurt about something I did... Emma said that she had shared some things to me about her children that were very private a couple times in the last couple of years when we saw each other. She said she hadn't even told her parents. She said that my sister had approached her at the bar mitzvah and based upon what my sister said, Emma could tell that I had told my sister those things...
I was shocked not able to unpackage what Emma was saying as quickly as I wanted. I apologized, but said that I don't think I would have said anything if she told me not to pass it on! I acknowledged I don't remember for SURE, but that I just thought I wouldn't.
She seemed hurt and angry. I tried to talk to her and she said 'that's fine, everything is fine, I'm over it, but I just needed to tell you, to get it off of my chest before the new year.'
I asked what exactly my sister had said to Emma or knew about so I could understand if I DID, in fact, share... Emma declined to say it. She said that she didn't want to go into the detail, but just wanted to tell me.
I had a cacophony of different thoughts, almost at the same time...
1) I was deeply apologetic. I love her and think of her as a friend. If I did that, that's awful.
2) I don't think I shared anything, though! I wouldn't anyway, but certainly not if Emma told me not to. I am very good at that. I would have taken that seriously.
3) I don't even talk much to my sister, and not personally.
4) Honestly, my sister is a good person and NOT a gossip or malicious, but she DOES ask prying questions in an 'I can help you, I'm good at this and can be a resource' kind of way. Soooo maybe she just asked questions to Emma that were coincidentally what we talked about?
5) But... could I have shared Emma's conversation, let it slip? They were not frankly out of the ordinary kid issues, but BIG to Emma, so I get it if she doesn't want people to share. But maybe I forgot? I doubt it, but... I have no idea. I just don't remember well in that way. Also, Emma SEEMED very open about things publicly. I even vaguely asked my mother 'did Emma ever share with you anything a couple summers ago?' and my mother recounted something Emma had mentioned - exactly - about her kids!! So maybe Emma shared publicly and doesn't remember it? But... my mother doesn't remember the source. Maybe Emma did not share with her and I did? Ugh!! I hope not! I don't remember doing that.
6) If I did share with my mother by mistake, not realizing it was confidential... maybe my mom told my sister? I doubt it. She doesn't share stuff like that, even if it was public. My mother and sister don't talk in that way.
7) Maybe Emma shared with another family member who then talked to my sister? One or two are very impressed with my sister and kind of brown nose-y and may have shared?
I said many of these things to Emma, but she wasn't having it. She thinks it's me. She actually suggested that maybe I told another family member who then told my sister...
Anyway, without knowing EXACTLY what my sister said to Emma, it's impossible to figure anything out. My mother strongly advised me to send an email and then drop it. I would like to ask my sister, but a) she may not remember what she asked in the bar mitzvah; and b) we just aren't close so I just feel uncomfortable.
Here is the email that I sent Emma 10 days ago. She never responded. At stake is our friendship. I think this is enough that she will cut me off, even though we are family. I feel SO SO sad. I love this woman and don't want her to pull away from me - especially if I didn't do anything! I feel like whether I did or not, she will never share with me again.
Do I talk to my sister to ask what she said? Drop it? Keep writing Emma or just let her come to me? This is so hard.
***
My email:
Hi Emma,
Thank you so much for calling today. I'm so incredibly sorry that you felt that I betrayed a confidence. Truthfully and sadly, I still don't remember any conversation with (MY SISTER). If I had, somehow, said anything about you or your family, please know that it would never ever ever have been in any way than to acknowledge what a wonderful mother you are and how challenging it is raising children for all of us (definitely including me :) ).
We have a long history together and I love you, your family, and your fantastic kids. I would never ever gossip about you in any form whatsoever. I think you are inspirational.
So... I guess in sum, I pray that I was not a person that broke your confidence and I've racked my brain and just remember saying anything. If I did, though, somehow, I'm so sorry. I value our friendship and cousin-ship and would not want to do anything to hurt you or our relationship.
Looking back, I did notice things were awkward at the bar mitzvah and that we didn't talk. I'm so glad you called me. If you have anything else that you want to share with me, or more of this, please tell me.
Love,
(MAGNOLIAPARADISE)
Have you ever been accused of something by a friend (eg sharing private information) that you are PRETTY sure you didn't do - but you start having doubts and wonder if maybe you did do it? Depending upon your views, you are either defending yourself that you didn't do it or apologize profusely. But if you are not sure if you did something wrong, it's a weird feeling!!
One of my extended family members, a second cousin whose family has 'felt' more like first cousins - I'll call her 'Emma' - is my age-ish and although I rarely see her (maybe 1-2x a year at family things), I love and am friends with besides being cousins. But she seemed super cold to me at a recent family event (bar mitzvah of another cousin). I was surprised, but chalked it up to the normal stress about other things and this time of year.
A week ago, Emma called (rare for her), and said she was very angry and hurt about something I did... Emma said that she had shared some things to me about her children that were very private a couple times in the last couple of years when we saw each other. She said she hadn't even told her parents. She said that my sister had approached her at the bar mitzvah and based upon what my sister said, Emma could tell that I had told my sister those things...
I was shocked not able to unpackage what Emma was saying as quickly as I wanted. I apologized, but said that I don't think I would have said anything if she told me not to pass it on! I acknowledged I don't remember for SURE, but that I just thought I wouldn't.
She seemed hurt and angry. I tried to talk to her and she said 'that's fine, everything is fine, I'm over it, but I just needed to tell you, to get it off of my chest before the new year.'
I asked what exactly my sister had said to Emma or knew about so I could understand if I DID, in fact, share... Emma declined to say it. She said that she didn't want to go into the detail, but just wanted to tell me.
I had a cacophony of different thoughts, almost at the same time...
1) I was deeply apologetic. I love her and think of her as a friend. If I did that, that's awful.
2) I don't think I shared anything, though! I wouldn't anyway, but certainly not if Emma told me not to. I am very good at that. I would have taken that seriously.
3) I don't even talk much to my sister, and not personally.
4) Honestly, my sister is a good person and NOT a gossip or malicious, but she DOES ask prying questions in an 'I can help you, I'm good at this and can be a resource' kind of way. Soooo maybe she just asked questions to Emma that were coincidentally what we talked about?
5) But... could I have shared Emma's conversation, let it slip? They were not frankly out of the ordinary kid issues, but BIG to Emma, so I get it if she doesn't want people to share. But maybe I forgot? I doubt it, but... I have no idea. I just don't remember well in that way. Also, Emma SEEMED very open about things publicly. I even vaguely asked my mother 'did Emma ever share with you anything a couple summers ago?' and my mother recounted something Emma had mentioned - exactly - about her kids!! So maybe Emma shared publicly and doesn't remember it? But... my mother doesn't remember the source. Maybe Emma did not share with her and I did? Ugh!! I hope not! I don't remember doing that.
6) If I did share with my mother by mistake, not realizing it was confidential... maybe my mom told my sister? I doubt it. She doesn't share stuff like that, even if it was public. My mother and sister don't talk in that way.
7) Maybe Emma shared with another family member who then talked to my sister? One or two are very impressed with my sister and kind of brown nose-y and may have shared?
I said many of these things to Emma, but she wasn't having it. She thinks it's me. She actually suggested that maybe I told another family member who then told my sister...
Anyway, without knowing EXACTLY what my sister said to Emma, it's impossible to figure anything out. My mother strongly advised me to send an email and then drop it. I would like to ask my sister, but a) she may not remember what she asked in the bar mitzvah; and b) we just aren't close so I just feel uncomfortable.
Here is the email that I sent Emma 10 days ago. She never responded. At stake is our friendship. I think this is enough that she will cut me off, even though we are family. I feel SO SO sad. I love this woman and don't want her to pull away from me - especially if I didn't do anything! I feel like whether I did or not, she will never share with me again.
Do I talk to my sister to ask what she said? Drop it? Keep writing Emma or just let her come to me? This is so hard.
***
My email:
Hi Emma,
Thank you so much for calling today. I'm so incredibly sorry that you felt that I betrayed a confidence. Truthfully and sadly, I still don't remember any conversation with (MY SISTER). If I had, somehow, said anything about you or your family, please know that it would never ever ever have been in any way than to acknowledge what a wonderful mother you are and how challenging it is raising children for all of us (definitely including me :) ).
We have a long history together and I love you, your family, and your fantastic kids. I would never ever gossip about you in any form whatsoever. I think you are inspirational.
So... I guess in sum, I pray that I was not a person that broke your confidence and I've racked my brain and just remember saying anything. If I did, though, somehow, I'm so sorry. I value our friendship and cousin-ship and would not want to do anything to hurt you or our relationship.
Looking back, I did notice things were awkward at the bar mitzvah and that we didn't talk. I'm so glad you called me. If you have anything else that you want to share with me, or more of this, please tell me.
Love,
(MAGNOLIAPARADISE)