Those married to spouses who don't parent much...how do you deal with it?

[jerseygirl07067]

I've been struggling with this dynamic with DH and I for a long time. I definitely tend to be the main "enforcer" of the house, so to speak, and DH has a much different style of parenting on the opposite side of the spectrum. It is bothering me more and more and I'm just not sure how to handle it. I really hate having to be the one to tell the kids to do stuff all of the time. I feel like he really doesn't parent much at all. He has always been one to watch TV for hours on end and now is spending more and more of his time planted in front of the tv, on facebook, often doing both at the same time. While he is very good about doing housework, and even doing the laundry (yes, I am very lucky there!) he is really lacking on the parenting side of things. I have had numerous conversations with him about how he can help with the "parenting" part of things, but things don't seem to change much, or maybe just for a short while.

We went to a therapist for one session several months ago and the therapist suggested having us switch roles. We did and worked well initially, but then he gradually reverted back to his passive ways. If I bring it up too much, he just gets mad and defensive and it starts an argument.

I have been out many times at night grocery shopping for the family, or running errands related to our family's needs, and I come home at 10:30 at night and the kids are still up, with not one word mentioned about them getting ready for bed. They are running around and he is checked out watching TV and honestly is paying no attention to what is going on. We have always had a family rule about no electronics at the dinner table and lately the kids are trying to push their limits by bringing them and he won't say a word, I always have to be the one. Heck, he has even now started doing it himself and when I remind him nicely about our family rules I get an eyeroll. Nice. He never tells them to clean their rooms, or do any of their chores, it is always me. He'll see them eating right before dinner, or loading up on a ton of junk beforehand and say absolutely nothing. They make a mess in the living room, with cups and plates everywhere, despite the fact that they have been told numerous times by me that I would like them to eat at the table, and nothing from him. He will let them sit in front of the tv and on their phones for hours and hours on end unless I speak up and say something to them. I know this all sounds so stupid and superficial but it is annoying as hell. It's not like any of these things are life or death but it would be nice not to be the sole rule enforcer all the time.

Today, I had to run errands, and he said he wanted to take the kids to the movies later. I had talked to the kids a few days ago about going through and getting rid of stuff in their rooms (we usually do this 2x a year, as we have a small house with a family of 5, and is much needed otherwise stuff really accumulates - and I like to do it right after the holidays when they have gotten a bunch of new stuff) today, or they would not be able to go to the movies. So I come home, and DH never bothered to look at their rooms, the kids just told him they had done it and he believed them. So of course I go in to look and they were still quite the mess, and it was now 10 minutes before they were supposed to leave. So if I tell the kids they can't go, I come across as the bad guy.

I am sick of always looking like the bad guy in the house. DH tries to be their friend and not their parent, and he seems to avoid any potential conflicts with the kids. If I get upset with the kids about something they didn't do or did, he steps in and tried to "rescue" them by taking their side. I freakin HATE this, and it has become a huge source of discontent for me, where I am really starting to resent him for it.

His argument is that he feels I am too harsh on the kids and my methods don't work. I don't feel I am harsh, I am just being a freakin' parent for heavens sake. He has literally said numerous time he wants the kids to leave him alone, or laughs when they are watching tv that they are not bothering him.

I know a lot of my friends IRL deal with the same issues. How do you guys handle this? I'm so over it!

[mikala]

Oh man. The concerns you mention aren't petty at all and I would be really frustrated in your situation too. It sounds like he isn't parenting AND even worse he's actively undermining your efforts by rolling his eyes when he's ignoring the family rules and not taking you seriously in front of the kids. Not cool at all and a recipe for marital troubles. No amount of laundry in the world makes up for his behavior.

You mention that you went to one counseling session. It seems like it's way past time to go to another. If he won't go back you at least need to work with someone solo.

[gatorsmom]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s not petty at all and believe it or not I know several other couples with similar complaints. I have to say, your situation sounds similar to mine. I’m definitely the enforcer/bad cop not only with the kids but Dh as well. I’ve come to accept that he won’t discipline the kids and that that falls to me. However, it sounds like your Dh has some things he will do to help and I’d encourage that in a big way. For example, I too can come home from errands at night to find the youngest kids haven’t been given their night time medications, haven’t been pushed to get teeth brushed or get pjs on. HOWEVER, he will have loaded the dishwasher and have cleaned up the kitchen from dinner. It turns out, he hates dirty dishes and hates seeing them in the sink. Since I know he will do them, I don’t waste my energy on them (I save that energy for other tasks- I can’t do it all, ya know?). I know if I leave the dishes in the sink, he’ll grumble about it but he’ll do them. He will do other things around the house too and I am all.for.it. I just can’t do everything.

When is comes to disciplining children (and Dh), that is something I have become good at out of necessity. Not only doesn’t Dh discipline the kids but the rare times he tries, he never follows through on his threats so none of the kids believe him. I have become the master discipliner of the house. It’s as simple as this- I tell the kids that if their rooms don’t get cleaned, they aren’t going to the movie. When I get home, if the rooms aren’t cleaned, then there is no movie. No one goes. Yes, everyone is angry and fuming at me, and yes it sucks, but it is necessary and it will bear fruit in the future. It takes one or 2 big disappointments for them to realize that I will do what I threaten to do. This has become very useful. I don’t have to scream or argue. If I say there will be specific consequences for their actions (or no actions), then there are. To make this work, you need to know what they really want. You need to find out their “currency” as my kids’ therapist calls it. What will move them to action? What will they be angry/sad to lose if they don’t do as they are told? A couple days without their iPads? Missing a get-together with a friend? And yes in the group cleanup example, one kid can screw it up for all of them (which means that the other kids put pressure on each other to get their rooms done). At this point I’ve given up on Dh getting the kids to do anything. In fact, when I’m away from the house and he knows I want something done, if he can’t get the kids to help me, he calls me on my errands and makes me tell them what’s going to happen if they don’t do it. He’s just terrible about giving consequences.

It sucks that Im the bad cop but on the other hand, I’m more playful with them and joke around with them than Dh (he’s great about taking them skiing, boating, Boy Scout events and working on the car in the garage). I’m also much more affectionate with them and make an effort to hug and snuggle with all of my kids regularly. So they know I love them and appreciate them but they don’t mess around with my rules. Everyone in our house knows well that bad things happen when people (family and friends) don’t obey my rules. If my Dh was working against me (which is essentially middle school behavior), he would be warned of consequences too. But to be honest with you, it sounds like he is depressed. I think you should keep trying therapy and in the meantime each of you take over the areas of parenting where you are motivated. Warn the kids that the next time they eat anything in the family room, their favorite toy/item will disappear. Then make that happen. My kids don’t eat in my living room (there’s no need! We have a great room! They can see the dang tv from the table behind the sofa! It infuriates me when I see them holding a plate on the sofa!).

Im not sure any of that helps you but hopefully there are some ideas in there you can apply to your situation. But just know that you aren’t alone and we all gotta figure what works for our families. :hug:

[jerseygirl07067]

Thank you. I wonder if your DH and my DH are twins. It sounds like you have come to accept your role and that your kids take you more seriously. That is good. My DH is definitely good about getting things done around the house but he won't initiate it on his own. He needs to be given a list. Luckily he is pretty good about wanting to check things off the list so that helps. I will put more of my expectations and energy into him at least getting those other things done, since after 14 years of kids, I really don't see his parenting style changing. Some of my friends have my same issues AND the fact that their DH never wants to do anything around the house. I'd lose my mind!

I do think he has a low level of depression and uses the tv as an escape. His mom did the exact same thing, the darn thing was on all day long when we would go visit there. She'd even tell the kids to shush so she could hear her shows on the Hallmark Channel. It was so sad, her grandkids right in front of her, and she would prefer the tv. I told DH years ago that I don't ever want to be like that when I retire, life it too short to be wasted on tv. As it is now I barely watch it myself. That's a whole different issue, but I do think he has some issues that may be addressed through counseling. Whether or not he will go is another story.

Thanks again for your input :)

I need to get better at follow through. Sometimes I am inconsistent myself because honestly it's exhausting to have to do it alone all the time ;)

[gatorsmom]

Thank you. I wonder if your DH and my DH are twins.

I do think he has a low level of depression and uses the tv as an escape.

I need to get better at follow through. Sometimes I am inconsistent myself because honestly it's exhausting to have to do it alone all the time ;)

its very possible our husbands are clones. I think there are several of them out there. :). I also think that low-level depression might be an issue. OR, if they are introverts, like I am, they need time to be by themselves to really recharge. But maybe they feel guilty being alone when others are around? Personally I find that if I’m given some serious alone time- just 30-45minutes, I can recharge much better than when surrounded by people and trying to disconnect through a book or tv. If there is no place to escape in the house, sitting in the car in the garage for 20 minutes always works for me. No one looks for me there. It could also be that he needs more encouragement to do what you ask him and then praise when he’s finished it. My Dh gets more done when I’ve given him praise for the little things. It’s laughable, really because i can get a several big projects done and no one notices but he cleans a toilet and expects applause.

As for follow through, the key is figuring out what each kid loves. My DS3 is easy to get to do things because he loves his NintendoDS more than anything and every time I threaten to take it away (and he knows I will), he jumps on a task immediately. For my oldest kid it’s his Rome Total war game. I’ve hidden his laptop when he didn’t do what I asked for 3 days before. The other 2 kids are hard. One time I asked them to clean their rooms, play their instruments and do their chore before playing video games in the basement. Then I found them playing video games in the basement. So without a word I walked over to the tv, disconnected the cords and joysticks (or whatever they’re called) and hid it for 3 days. They were furious and when they started to call me names I told them calmly it was now gone for a week. They calmed down, did their chores and even some extra jobs and earned it back a day early.

I have a hard time thinking of good hiding places. I have to start reusing my old hiding places but that doesn’t always work because sometimes the kids convince Dh that they NEED something I’ve hidden, he will check an old spot and give in to them. On top of the refrigerator, between the mattresses of a guest bed, between books on a bookshelf, in a dining room hutch that no one notices, on the high shelves inside bathroom cabinets or in a pantry, etc. and let them know if they go snooping for their stuff(before they have earned it back), it will be gone for another week.


Good luck to you!

[Chitowngirl]

My DH is very similar. Wish I had some advice, but I’m only just muddling through it myself. My DH is just very “lax”. He wants to be “fun dad”. His favorite thing to do is to buy some toy or grant some wish (like, yes you can stay up to watch the football game even though it won’t be over til 11) and then say outloud “now I’m dad of the year”. I try to tell him that dad of the year means raising successful self actualized kids that are happy in life, not happy in the moment. To compensate, I then feel I have to provide all the structure and rules in the house which is also frustrating. I want to be “fun mom” too, but I feel I’m never given the opportunity since someone has to provide order.

My DH is also fairly lazy at home. He feels like he works hard at work all day so when he gets home he wants to watch TV and play on his phone to decompress. He has no patience for dealing with uncooperative kids so he’s happy to let them veg out in front of screens with him if it keeps them happy and quiet. That makes me “mean mom” again as I am the one making sure homework gets done, teeth get brushed, etc. It’s annoyingly as I work and have long days too - not as long as him, but still long. I have tried to talk to him about it. He says we have two different parenting philosophies- he’s “free range” and I’m “helicopter”. I don’t think that’s exactly true though. Free range (to me at least) means giving the kids structured freedom - not just letting them do whatever they want to keep them from annoying you.

When he does try to help, he’s often ineffective and more work for me. When my DH is working late, I can send my DS to his room to put his pajamas on while I am putting DD to bed, and he will emerge 10 min later with it done. With my husband home, I will put DD to bed and come out to find DH sitting on the chair doing playing on his phone with DS goofing off on the floor. DH will say that he just stoped trying since DS won’t listen to him anyway. I feel like it’s such a circular argument though because the reason DS doesn’t listen is BECAUSE he know DH never enforced the rules. With DS we have a routine and he knows that I don’t play...

I agree it’s hard. This has probably been one of the biggest issues we have dealt with in our marriage - probably because it’s something that comes up daily.


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[California]

Sounds like you already know one person who can help - the therapist. If she's a good match for the both of you then keep going back! Expect therapy to take over a year to really make a lasting difference. Those regular check ins are very important. As you discuss co-parenting and housework, you'll both be learning healthier ways to communicate. DH and I met with a therapist when our oldest was around 2 1/2 years old. We'd gone through a series of family tragedies (cancer deaths) and initially it started as help with grief. Then it turned into help figuring out our co-parenting and housework. I don't think I would have considered therapy at first for this stuff. Turned out to be the best investment! It got us talking all this through, experimenting at home with different systems, going on date nights, being aware of our own needs, etc. Definitely worth it.