Feeling heartbroken: DD's friend has anorexia

[California]

I can't talk about this (yet) with anyone and it's really weighing heavily on my heart. Thought I'd share it anonymously online where it won't impact our local friends. All prayers and positive thoughts are welcomed.

DD invited a friend over, someone she's known since kinder. They are both in different middle schools now but see each other regularly through shared activities. The parent let me know that the DD wouldn't be able to make it as she's been hospitalized for anorexia. This is a young middle schooler who lost an immediate family member in a tragic accident. A few months before that, she lost another relative to a fatal illness. I am sure all this loss and sadness contributed to the anorexia. It is just tearing me up that she's so young and has gone through so much. Now she has to work through this on top of her grief. And as for her parent, I can't even imagine! Too much, too fast.

The other thing that is bothering me is that I didn't notice it. We (a group of moms/daughters who've been getting together since kinder) had been told that she wanted to be treated as normally as possible and not to talk about her grief. (Which is very normal for her age.) I think we, at least I know I did, wrote a lot of stuff off as part of the grieving process. It scares me that something this serious can be so hidden. Now, according to the parent, DD's friend is feeling very alone and misunderstood. She doesn't want anyone to know what's going on. I'm hoping that we'll reach a point where we can talk with our girls so they can be good supportive friends for her through the healing process.

[TwinFoxes]

I am so sorry. My girls are quickly approaching that age, and eating disorders are definitely something I worry about. I hope she get the help she needs so she can heal. I hope her mental health provider gives her and her parents good advice on how to share this diagnosis with her friends so she doesn't feel so alone. I bet if nothing else her healthcare team will find her a group therapy session.

[georgiegirl]

How incredibly sad. I hope she gets the help she needs. Since it happened after tragic events, I’m guessing it’s tied to a feeling of helplessness and the desire to feel in control rather than simply about body image.

My DD is 13 and I worry about eating disorders in general.

[dogmom]

First of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. Anorexia is a condition where those suffering from it hide it, much like substance abuse. Also, please don’t be tempted to think that she wasn’t supported in her grief correctly, so she developed anorexia. It’s more like someone that is prone to severed depression had it triggered by the losses. Someone else would have reacted differently. She may had already been anorexic, by criteria, but it was not noticed until after these losses. It is a mental illness that actually has the highest rate of fatalities. I’m not saying this to make you depressed, but to underscore that this is a serious illness that will take a long time to treat. This will be years for the family. They are just starting to wrap their minds around it.
https://anad.org/education-and-awareness/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorder-types-and-symptoms/ Is a place where you could get some information.

As far as talking to your DD, although I understand the parents plea not to say anything at some point it’s up to you. I’m not saying right now, but I do have mixed emotions about keeping silent on mental health issues. You do have a responsibility to educate your children as you see fit about these issues. Would I personally tell my DD about this right now? No. Would I at some point in the next 6 months talk to her about this, yes. But that’s all up to you.

[jacksmomtobe]

My DD's close friend has anorexia. They have gone to school together since preschool. Last year in 6th grade she was hospitalized. Since then she has been in an inpatient program then came home for a bit and did an outpatient program, returned to school for a bit then was hospitalized again and is now home attending school again. So it is a long road and can often be a life long battle. When I found out I was also heartbroken. In my 20s, I personally dealt with what would be defined as disordered eating so I felt exceptionally sad that someone so young was feeling in so much pain. I echo much of what dogmom said. I would not feel bad that you did not see what was going on. I did not see it coming with my dd's friend. Anoxeria is a very secretive disease. It is a mental health issue. It relates to feelings deep inside that person which aren't necessarily rational. Mine were related to that I felt I wasn't good enough. There was one website I found when DD's friend was diagnosed that really explained some of the feelings/thoughts behind it. I wish I could find the link for that to share with you. If I find it I will post again because it really hit the nail on the head.

As far as sharing the news. In our situation the family originally emailed a group of close friends explaining the situation and I think requested that we not tell our kids (my exact memory is a bit foggy...they may not have explicitly said it). I however did end up telling my daughter. I was trying to explain to my daughter that her friend was sick and sort of got myself a bit tangled in the explanation as I wanted her to know that it was something serious and my daughter started to think it was something like cancer. My daughter though young for her grade is very mature and has a strong empathetic quality. So i walked a bit of a fine line. My Dd is also the type to understand that it was not a matter for her to discuss with others. That it was her friends story to tell if she so wished. She also shut down any attempts from others to speculate what was going on. As the process of recovery has evolved the parents have been more open about what has been going on. While DD's friend was in the hospital she went to visit her pretty much every weekend. DD was a bit apprehensive for the first visit due to her own past hospital experience but soon became comfortable with the environment. I think once your daughter learns about her friend then it is important to keep the lines of communication open to help your daughter process what is going on. It is also a good touch point for talking about social media issues.

As far as what you can do....I would let the Mom know that you are there for her. If she wants to get together for a walk to talk about things or to not talk about anything and have a distraction. Leave the door open for her but don't be offended if she isn't in touch. Ask if she would like any help i.e. meals, rides for other kids if she has them. For DD's friend she has 3 siblings and it was very helpful at times when dealing with the parents were all consumed with dealing with the anorexia to have a bit of help. I would say for my friend there were some very hard times. They were very lucky to be able to afford the best care but in the end she realized that her daughter had to want to get better. I think it was really tough on her at times realizing she could only do so much for her daughter. I hope your daughter's friend is in a better place soon.