Dilemma for DH, WWYD?

[bisous]

Many people reach out to DH because he works at a very desirable company. DH usually tries to help and probably does at least 2 lunches a month looking at portfolios, helping people tour and sometimes introducing people. He’s always honest about their prospects and usually offers constructive criticism and advice.

Recently an old high school friend reached out to him. While DH does not feel that he has any potential in his group, he does have a skill set that could help the company. DH offered to do lunch with him.

So here’s the wrinkle—after setting up the lunch, the friend says “oh, and also my wife would like to come. Is that a problem?” It actually is a problem. The wife worked with DH as an intern and while she wasn’t terminated, she separated in bad circumstances—basically completely flipping out when not offered a job, crying to top executives etc. DH actually was asked to talk to her to calm her down, which he did. He critiques her portfolio and she just went off on him. She left the company and DH blocked her on FB. That was 9 years ago.

DH for his part, forgot that his friend and this woman, the old intern were married. Her presence at the lunch could be awkward for DHs coworkers (he works in a different group now but they share a cafeteria). And could be awkward too for DH! The friend sees all the stuff, the former intern must know she’s blocked!

So what does DH do at this point? Tell his friend his wife can’t come?

WWYD? I think if the former intern was a bit less reactive DH could probably be more honest, but her reaction was so out of place that DH is cautious to engage with her. Would love your thoughts!

[sariana]

Wife was not invited. Your DH should say no. No explanation needed, really.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

That is so weird. I would just say no the wife cannot come. Sounds like disaster waiting to happen. Honestly I’d be wary of doing the lunch at all - sounds like the wife alone is a lot of baggage. I would not want to touch that with a ten-foot pole.

[basil]

How weird that she wants to come!

That said, 9 years ago is a long time. I can think of a lot of people I had interaction with 9 years ago that I didn’t enjoy. And I could easily have a professional lunch with them without bringing up the past.

I think a small part of me would be a little curious what she would do in such a situation. Start talking about her internship 9 years ago? I mean she must be doing something else now!

[truly scrumptious]

How about DH saying something like - “Actually I was really hoping to catch up with you this time. Maybe we can plan another time for all of us, but this time let’s keep it to you and me, ok?”

He can match the casual “oh by the way” tone that the friend used to spring it on him and still hold firm.

[MMMommy]

I would say sorry, but no wife at the lunch. Not even sure why she would even think to be included if this isn't about her or job prospects for her.

[gamma]

“The position that I had in mind for you was just filled. I’ll reach out to you when we have another opening.” I wouldn’t get involved with either one of them. I have a feeling that they are both looking for positions.

[DualvansMommy]

So DH gets asked to bring in names people reach out to him as his industry is quite competitive. He’s picky due to a previous bad experience with a potential prospect.

This sets off red flags to me. If your DH is comfortable with that particular friend, I would hold firm and reply the lunch is just for him. And if he continues to persist, then that is your DH’s clue to steer well away from the couple.


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[trcy]

“The position that I had in mind for you was just filled. I’ll reach out to you when we have another opening.” I wouldn’t get involved with either one of them. I have a feeling that they are both looking for positions.Yes to this! I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole!

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[bisous]

Agree with everyone who is wary about the way this went down. If the friend is employed there the wife will visit and I’m sure she wants to get back in,

Ill share the wisdom with DH. I think he could probably get away with keeping the (solo) lunch and not going beyond that... I’ll see if he can also just cancel altogether. He might want to do that too.

I also feel a little bit bad about the 9 years. That’s a long time and DH knows she’s since married and had a baby and that changes a person. But I feel like DH needs to be cautious about what he brings in for the sake of his own reputation, as cutthroat as that sounds. Also, the last minute inclusion of the wife tacked on makes me leery that there might not have been a lot of transformation.

[BunnyBee]

I would avoid both, TBH! Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[Zukini]

I would avoid both, TBH! Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Agreed. Firm NO to both, this is your DH’s place of employment, livelihood and reputation. Sneaking in the request for the second person was uncool, and to do so for a person with a sour employment history at THAT specific employer, cements the NO.

If your DH cannot come up with an excuse to outright cancel, then maybe offer to reschedule for a casual coffee shop type encounter off-site with his friend only. I’ve never tagged along on any professional meet and greets with my spouse, and would never ask either - and vice versa. Her spouse needs to network solo. It’s not a social call.

[calebsmama03]

So DH gets asked to bring in names people reach out to him as his industry is quite competitive. He’s picky due to a previous bad experience with a potential prospect.

This sets off red flags to me. If your DH is comfortable with that particular friend, I would hold firm and reply the lunch is just for him. And if he continues to persist, then that is your DH’s clue to steer well away from the couple.


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This exactly. Or gamma's route!

[123LuckyMom]

I wouldn’t lie or anything, but, regardless of the history, asking to bring your spouse along to what is, essentially, a job interview (I know it’s not exactly that, but it’s close enough), is inappropriate. I think that ask only came because the wife is piggybacking on her husband to try to get back in or the husband is independently hoping to give his wife a boost. The ask alone to me reveals poor judgment on the husband’s part or else that he’s yielding to her bad judgment. Neither reflects well on the husband even if there were no history with the wife at all! I think your husband should point out that they should meet one on one if the intent is for the guy to explore job opportunities at your DH’s company. There’s no need for anything to go further than the first meeting, but if the guy really does seem like a good candidate for the company, I’d keep an eye on how he behaves going forward and whether what he’s really angling for is a package deal or even an in for his wife rather than for him. I certainly believe people can learn and grow, and if the wife had called, owned her past bad behavior, and asked for her own lunch, I would have urged your DH to give her a chance, but this strange back-alley thing reflects poorly on the husband regardless of the wife’s history or involvement.


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[specialp]

Agree with everyone who is wary about the way this went down. If the friend is employed there the wife will visit and I’m sure she wants to get back in,

Ill share the wisdom with DH. I think he could probably get away with keeping the (solo) lunch and not going beyond that... I’ll see if he can also just cancel altogether. He might want to do that too.

I also feel a little bit bad about the 9 years. That’s a long time and DH knows she’s since married and had a baby and that changes a person. But I feel like DH needs to be cautious about what he brings in for the sake of his own reputation, as cutthroat as that sounds. Also, the last minute inclusion of the wife tacked on makes me leery that there might not have been a lot of transformation.


Taking the previous incident with the wife out of the equation, wouldn't a similar request be unusual by anyone else? DH and I worked in the same field as each other and it was common to have a networking lunch with an old friend or classmate, casual acquaintance, or even a friend of a friend, etc. You each want to keep the other's face/name in mind should the need ever arise for their services. It is a different industry than your DH, but I cannot imagine going to his or his coming to mine at a networking/work lunch. If it is not a networking lunch where you want your skills to be on mind, even if not discussed, and you'd rather focus on catching up, you get together outside of work and not with coworkers. I would want to get out of the whole thing entirely as it being inappropriate enough to attach my name to in a work setting. I think I would rather suggest getting together with spouses outside of work to "catch up with friends" and hope they decline.

[TwinFoxes]

DH and I worked in the same industry. I'm really having trouble imagining a situation where I would glom onto a business lunch DH is attending with the hopes of him getting a new job. Who does that? Even if she had never set foot inside your DH's company, it is bizarre to ask to tag along. She sounds like a loon, and frankly so does her DH. This is so inappropriate. I don't care if it was nine years ago she left the company. Tagging along is just weird.

I doubt someone who would ask if their spouse could tag along would be easily brushed off. I think your DH will have to say "My schedule is really tight, this lunch will have to be just the two of us." I would be non-committal vs giving an honest critique, wish him well, and not try to help him. Knowing where your DH works, this guy will probably (hopefully) just assume he didn't make the cut.

People are so strange!!!

[KpbS]

That is so weird. I would just say no the wife cannot come. Sounds like disaster waiting to happen. Honestly I’d be wary of doing the lunch at all - sounds like the wife alone is a lot of baggage. I would not want to touch that with a ten-foot pole.


Yes to all of the above. I would steer clear of both.

[niccig]

. But I feel like DH needs to be cautious about what he brings in for the sake of his own reputation, as cutthroat as that sounds. Also, the last minute inclusion of the wife tacked on makes me leery that there might not have been a lot of transformation.

He does need to be careful. DH will give advice, but makes it clear he is not in a position to hire, and he won’t put a word in with his boss. If they’re hiring, DH will reach out to people he knows who may be interested, but that’s him initiating. He’s been burned a few times too. This friend needs to be careful if the wife is difficult and part of the package. We know someone who has burned too many bridges as he’s a difficult person. It’s actually a small industry so word gets around quickly.

DH should probably not meet them at work. Make it off site, just incase, that’s if he goes ahead.



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[AngB]

“The position that I had in mind for you was just filled. I’ll reach out to you when we have another opening.” I wouldn’t get involved with either one of them. I have a feeling that they are both looking for positions.

THIS! This sounds like a bad deal all around. No lunches with this couple.

ETA: I agree with niccig, if he does feel obligated to still do the lunch, I would keep it off site.

[petesgirl]

I wouldn’t lie or anything, but, regardless of the history, asking to bring your spouse along to what is, essentially, a job interview (I know it’s not exactly that, but it’s close enough), is inappropriate. I think that ask only came because the wife is piggybacking on her husband to try to get back in or the husband is independently hoping to give his wife a boost. The ask alone to me reveals poor judgment on the husband’s part or else that he’s yielding to her bad judgment. Neither reflects well on the husband even if there were no history with the wife at all! I think your husband should point out that they should meet one on one if the intent is for the guy to explore job opportunities at your DH’s company. There’s no need for anything to go further than the first meeting, but if the guy really does seem like a good candidate for the company, I’d keep an eye on how he behaves going forward and whether what he’s really angling for is a package deal or even an in for his wife rather than for him. I certainly believe people can learn and grow, and if the wife had called, owned her past bad behavior, and asked for her own lunch, I would have urged your DH to give her a chance, but this strange back-alley thing reflects poorly on the husband regardless of the wife’s history or involvement.


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This is what I was thinking....she is basically asking to be included in a job interview for her husband. That's not normal, IMO.

[twowhat?]

Even without the weird history, asking if his wife can tag along is BIZARRE and unprofessional! I would definitely have reservations about any job seeking candidate who thought it was OK to do that!

If your DH can't go with one of the "sorry, the position I had in mind for you is filled" responses and thinks this guy has potential to benefit the company, I'd definitely have your DH tell him "No, I'd like to focus my time on you and whether there might be a good fit within the company for you." If that prompts a "well, my wife is looking for a position too" then your DH can just say "That's fine, have her reach out to me separately and we can discuss at a different time."

[doberbrat]

This is what I was thinking....she is basically asking to be included in a job interview for her husband. That's not normal, IMO.

EXACTLY! WHO does this even without history? I'm of the dont touch them with a 10ft pole opinion. too much drama potential!

[bisous]

Even without the weird history, asking if his wife can tag along is BIZARRE and unprofessional! I would definitely have reservations about any job seeking candidate who thought it was OK to do that!

If your DH can't go with one of the "sorry, the position I had in mind for you is filled" responses and thinks this guy has potential to benefit the company, I'd definitely have your DH tell him "No, I'd like to focus my time on you and whether there might be a good fit within the company for you." If that prompts a "well, my wife is looking for a position too" then your DH can just say "That's fine, have her reach out to me separately and we can discuss at a different time."

Your phrasing is exactly what I’m advising DH to do.

It is a little complicated by the fact that families tag along sometimes often. It’s a fun campus to visit and some people see DH and see it as a casual type thing. However, that’s NOT what DH was thinking when he was working out the details. People get a little crazy about trying to work at this company. Like obsessed and start stalking the managers. Thankfully they have strict security protocols which is why DH can shut this down if he needs to.