Would this upset you?

[ray7694]

I learned after marriage my dh has periods he wants to be alone. He gets plenty of time to golf and do things. I am super social and he has a few friends.

There are times we have plans to do something and that day he will be super grouchy and say he’s not going. This has been concerts, family birthday parties, and friend get togethers.

He just stayed home the last two nights and I took my 11 year old to fireworks by myself. I go without him but it makes me so mad how he is so crabby about not going and then everyone asks me where he is and I say he’s at home didn’t want to come and they don’t get it.

Help I want to screm

[SnuggleBuggles]

At some point I’d get over it. It’s not a surprise that he’s going to bail. I’d adjust my expectations that he just won’t be participating and find a way to be ok with that. I do plenty of things with just the kids (amusement parks)- and he does things with the kids without me (biking)- we play to our strengths and interests.
I don’t think it’s fair to hang him out to dry by telling people he just didn’t want to come. That could affect how they treat him in the future which can cause him to really not want to socialize with them.



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[ray7694]

It’s quite often to the point and can’t lie anymore. He didn’t go to Mother’s Day lunch and my birthday dinner with his family. He managed a gold trip
for four days with his friends.

I do tons of things without him.

[PZMommy]

My DH doesn’t like to go out and do a lot of things either. Family events are non negotiable, but other events I don’t care if he goes or not. I rather go by myself with the kids and have fun, vs him coming along and being a grouch about it the whole time.

[specialp]

It’s quite often to the point and can’t lie anymore. He didn’t go to Mother’s Day lunch and my birthday dinner with his family. He managed a gold trip
for four days with his friends.

I do tons of things without him.

Is it more frequent now? I imagine his family wouldn't be surprised if he has always been this way. However, if it has grown from once in a while to all the time, I would be upset. Doing our own things with the kids is different than committing to going to family functions and then backing out last minute.

[ray7694]

It hasn’t changed but what is so annoying is 2 days before he’s going and then gets in a mood and doesn’t want to go. I have bought concert tickets and the night of he doesn’t want to go so I went alone with our friends.

I think it’s so selfish and I am so social I can’t relate.

[PZMommy]

It hasn’t changed but what is so annoying is 2 days before he’s going and then gets in a mood and doesn’t want to go. I have bought concert tickets and the night of he doesn’t want to go so I went alone with our friends.

I think it’s so selfish and I am so social I can’t relate.


If tickets were purchased, backing out would be a huge issue for me!

[specialp]

If tickets were purchased, backing out would be a huge issue for me!

It would me IF he said he wanted to go so I bought the tickets, but not if it is something I did on my own and I knew it wasn't his thing. I think the 2 days of mood might be because he is dreading something he never wanted to do anyway and/or the guilt that goes along with not doing it.

[StantonHyde]

Counseling is needed...

[pharmjenn]

Counseling is needed...

Even if he has always been this way, it does sound like depression or anxiety, that could be worsening. I agree with StantonHyde about trying to get counseling. For him, but also for you to deal with his grumpiness.

[mommy111]

He’s a loner, I wouldn’t oblige him to go to social events he doesn’t want to go to.....I’m a loner so I can relate, sometimes you just don’t want to go

[jgenie]

I do tons of stuff by myself with my DC because they are activities DH doesn’t enjoy. I make plans myself and assume I’m doing it solo and am pleasantly surprised if he decides to join in. I would take issue with the crabbiness but you may find if you stop expecting him to join in on social events the crabbiness may go away.

[nfceagles]

Is he a willing participant in these plans or are you the one who controls the social calendar and lets him know what’s planned?


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[bnme]

I don't think it's fair for him to back out of things he agreed to at the last minute. Your birthday dinner with family, no way! He needs to let you know when you ask him. Maybe you should be more aware and not expect too much, but I think some of this is really unreasonable on his part.

[TwinFoxes]

I agree with counseling, not to make him change into someone who's a social butterfly, but to help him express to you when he doesn't want to go. What he's doing now is unfair. Days of grumpiness and then pulling out at the last minute is not cool. Especially your birthday dinner. But, at some point, OP, you have to realize this is who he is and stop planning events.



I don’t think it’s fair to hang him out to dry by telling people he just didn’t want to come. That could affect how they treat him in the future which can cause him to really not want to socialize with them.



What should she do, lie? My DH isn't social. If he's not there I just say "this isn't his thing" which is pretty much "he didn't want to come". No one cares. When he actually goes places he's great and people like him. He'd just rather do pretty much anything than go to a party.

[Mamma2004]

I highly recommend therapy. There is a difference between being introverted/antisocial/a homebody and backing out of family celebrations, concerts for which tickets have been purchased, etc. Please seek counseling. It sounds like there is an issue with depression, anxiety, or both.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree with counseling, not to make him change into someone who's a social butterfly, but to help him express to you when he doesn't want to go. What he's doing now is unfair. Days of grumpiness and then pulling out at the last minute is not cool. Especially your birthday dinner. But, at some point, OP, you have to realize this is who he is and stop planning events.



What should she do, lie? My DH isn't social. If he's not there I just say "this isn't his thing" which is pretty much "he didn't want to come". No one cares. When he actually goes places he's great and people like him. He'd just rather do pretty much anything than go to a party.

You know your crowd. And in some cases, like with good friends, I could tell the truth. We, in fact, left a party super early last weekend and I told the host (one of our good friends) that he'd hit his max on socializing. But, for less good friends, I might lie. I just think that if your spouse is always blowing off your friends, it might negatively impact how they feel about him. Who knows. Again, you know your people. Plus, I think "this isn't his thing" vs "he didn't want to come" just sounds different. Your wording is better- it puts on dh vs possibly external (he just isn't feeling social vs he just doesn't want to socialize with them). Who knows. People are weird. :) We've read enough posts on here to know how others analyze and view things.

[div_0305]

I doubt this is anxiety and depression since he plans golf trips with his friends instead of participating in birthday dinner for OP with his own family. Asking to be alone is what an introvert does, but skipping OP's birthday dinner with his family to go on a golf trip with his friends is rude and I'd take offense at it. OP, I do have the same question as posted above about the other social events--does he plan any of those and then back out or did he agree to participate before you bought tickets and whatnot?

I used to be more of an extrovert, but DH is an introvert. Over time, I've become less social because of him and I know my thyroid issues also play into it. It sucks to not have as many regular, healthy social connections any more, but DH would not skip out on any pre-planned activity because he wants to be alone or go elsewhere with his friends.

[California]

Does he plan or agree to these events beforehand? It does sound a bit like he’s overthinking events before they’ve happened (making him grumpy and even more anxious.)

I would completely back off until you can meet with a counselor. Make date plans with just your DH (no friends or family), and then do your socializing on your own.

[ezcc]

My dh is also like this, it drives me a little crazy although I knew he was like this when I married him, he hasn't really changed. I pretty much expect that I will be doing a lot of stuff by myself or with the kids. He gets along fine with my family, but skips stuff all the time. He hasn't seen my extended family in years, pretty much only shows up if there is a wedding. We have a core group of friends that he is fine seeing but is very resistant to new people and situations. I do think it is annoying that your dh changes his mind last minute, maybe he is avoiding arguing about it beforehand?

[DualvansMommy]

Was he always like that? The not going wouldn’t bother me. If it was to an event we bought tickets specifically that he had expressed, but backing out after all is said and done would tick me off! Add to the grumpiness to the mix would tip things too much for me, and I would insist on counseling for him.

I won’t tolerate days of grumpiness that affects rest of family and household without valid reasons and active plan to do something about it. Your house has other people living in same house, and shouldn’t be affected by him.


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[bisous]

I hate grumpiness. I know it’s not really a worse quality than many other things but it’s my pet peeve. If it was a known part of my DH though I guess I’d handle it by working out a tolerable grumpiness level.

I’d be totally ok with my DH declining invitations. He has anxiety and his wants and needs are as important as mine. BUT I really believe once an invitation is accepted it should be honored. That would REALLY make me mad.

[petesgirl]

It’s quite often to the point and can’t lie anymore. He didn’t go to Mother’s Day lunch and my birthday dinner with his family. He managed a gold trip
for four days with his friends.

I do tons of things without him.

I'm more of an introvert and definitely need alone time. But, it sounds like spending time with you and the family isn't his priority and I would try to do counseling. That seems selfish of him to avoid two events that celebrate YOU regardless of how unsocial he is feeling. I would feel very hurt by that, in fact I wouldn't have let him back on dinner with his family. No way. I don't hang out with in-laws without DH there. But maybe that's just because I'm not very close to them.

[basil]

Not wanting to do every activity you want to do is fine. Being grumpy and backing out at last minute? Would make me crazy.

There are things me and my kids do that DH doesn’t particularly enjoy. He doesn’t like going to my parents’ beach house (it’s small, usually not much privacy for him, and it’s all my family. I wouldn’t like it very much if it were his family either) so I will typically plan a few weekends away where I just take my kids and he gets some alone time. There are things that I do not enjoy doing with the kids that he does (like going to amusement parks) so sometimes he will take them and I’ll stay home and have some alone time.

But I’d be really mad if I bought tickets for something and he decided later on he didn’t want to go!

[dogmom]

Honestly, not being there and not having details makes it hard to give advice. To the original question, of course it would bother me! But what I would do about it, that’s the question

If I felt it was possibly a social anxiety issue I think I would start with marital counseling and see what we could work on. Maybe I was doing things that made him think he couldn’t do know when I suggested then when the day of came he couldn’t do it. Then just working on communication could help. If he needs individual counseling let a professional deal with suggesting it.

However, I can see a lot of other explanations including up to he’s a coercive controlling jerk who just likes do do what he does and to keep you in your place. The rest of your life would help answer that question. I just spent a whole year helping someone out of that situation and as she tried to break free he became more controlling, abusive and eventually he wound up in jail for several months because our police force is on the ball and didn’t want her and her kids dead. (And yes, at first it just looked like you explained, but obviously it was more.) If that was a case I would just suggest finding a divorce attorney and protect yourself and kids.

So, you can see my advice runs the gamut.

[AnnieW625]

Has he always been this way?

I would be mad about the concert ticket thing if he helped plan it and backed out at the last minute, but if you didn’t tell him and bought the tickets on your own and said “this is what and where we are going” I wouldn’t be as mad, frustrated yes, but I would try to be understanding as to why he didn’t want to go. I feel the same about the fireworks.

Avoiding your birthday dinner would bother me. I have issues with my in-laws but me not showing up for a family birthday dinner (especially mine) unless a sickness was involved would be a huge red flag for me.

I don’t know whether or not I would suggest counseling, but I would probably try and have a frank conversation about the issue at hand with your spouse when you both can air your grievances about this situation when nothing else is going on and the kids aren’t around. If that conversation doesn’t go well then I would suggest counseling.




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[mom2binsd]

I know in the past it seems like you and your DH have very different takes on things (a dog maybe and a vacation?), it sounds like there is a lot of resentment and possibly addressing them in counseling would help you with expectations and allow you both to do what you want on your own and together.

[smilequeen]

It sounds like the way he’s handling things would irritate me, yes. However he also sounds like an introvert and TBH as an introvert, over time it can get really irritating to be judged for not fitting into the extrovert box. There are times I don’t handle things as well because I get fed up with being treated like there is something wrong with me. Still I almost always handle things better than that. You need to have a serious conversation, maybe counseling. You have reason to be irritated but maybe he does too?