How to politely decline repeated playdate invites?

[roobee]

I think I'm doing this right but want to be sure.

DS is going into 5th grade and has a boy in his class that he doesn't really enjoy. I've been declining playdates with "excuses" three times in a row now. I'm faced with a forth invite and I told DS that I'm not going to make up another "I'm busy" excuse.

I offered to bring DS and this boy to a trampoline place for a few hours on Sunday. This sets the date and time to just an hour or two and allows me to reciprocate as this family has treated DS to outings in the past.

Going forward I can decline an invite with something like "I don't think another playdate will work, DS says he and Bobby don't really share the same interests", right? I feel bad for this family as the son doesn't have many friends and the mother is trying her best to make arrangements for friends for him. It's important to me to be kind to this family but also honor DS's desire to not hang out with this boy. I don't think it's kind to make endless excuses on why DS can't get together with this boy, but maybe that's the thing to do? It hasn't worked so far though.

Help?

[sariana]

I feel for you, especially as the mother of "that other boy" that no one wants to be with. I actually am terrible at setting up play dates, so I never really had this problem, but I'm guessing the other mother is aware of her son's challenges (whatever they may be). I think what you are doing is just fine--keep declining as necessary. Even if she doesn't "take the hint," you are not in the wrong. I also don't see a problem with your comment about lack of shared interests. It could seem hurtful at first, yes, but it's not fair to your son to force him to spend time with someone he doesn't get along with well. It can be better to be upfront about it and move on.

If you're concerned about reciprocation issues, you could consider inviting the boy to a larger group event where your son wouldn't feel so pressured to hang out with him.

There are no easy answers here, but don't feel obligated to make your son spend time with the boy. Being kind is important, as you said, but that doesn't necessarily imply going out of your way to accommodate another child's difficulties. Often there is a reason a child struggles to make friends. For example, my son is narrow minded and MEAN, despite our efforts to correct him. I wouldn't want to be his friend, either, and I certainly don't expect other parents to disregard their own children's feelings for his sake. I do expect parents and teachers to prevent teasing and bullying, but that's it.

[ray7694]

My dd is a typical kid and has had to learn who wants to do things and who doesn’t. Not every kid fits. If a neighbor keeps making excuses I say I guess she doesn’t want o hang out. If you keep declining they should figure it out. It happens with every type of kid. IMO friendships can’t be forced.

[mommy111]

It’s surprising to me that the mom of a kid who your son is not close friends with is still asking for play dates in 5th grade. My experience with this was that the kids self-socialized by 5th grade and usually there were relatively fluid clusters of boys who would hang out together.

[HannaAddict]

I wouldn’t do the trampoline place if you intend to not do anything in the future. That gives false hope and makes the “thanks, no thanks” situation sting more. And no way would I say that they don’t have shared interests. It isn’t kind, it may be true, but it won’t make her think “oh gee, I get
It.” I would keep being busy and eventually it will stop. Moms making arrangements for boys is/was still common in fifth grade especially for activities that require transportation and if the kids aren’t in the same walking distance neighborhood. It is hard. I’ve been on both sides though would never have kept asking and asking. But if my child was invited to do some fun event and then cold shoulder after, especially with a reason and outright rejection, that would sting both child and parent for a long time.

ETA: Since the die is cast and you’ve already extended the invite, be prepared for more invites from the classmate and needing to make excuses. Don’t respond right away if the mom texts you. Don’t take calls, voice mail is your friend. But I would not decline with a reason that “they don’t share interests” or any other reason that her child is being rejected. That makes it very hard for things to ever change and maybe at some point your son will want to do something with the child. Especially hard to get a formal rejection after a play date event that you took him on. That will cause pain and endless replays in their mind of what happened, why he wasn’t worthy of being a friend and more. I will cross my fingers they have fun. I had to make many, many excuses with one girl that went to our school and lived in our neighborhood and despite attempts it was not a fit. We are at different independent (private) middle schools now but the girls are friendly enough and eventually the requests stopped. It was hard, but we were very busy. Good luck.


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[roobee]

We just got back from the trampoline park and everything went just fine. I appreciate the comments here and I'll continue to decline future invites rather than directly cutting things off with this family.

I think the reason I posted is because this mother has directly asked me in the past if DS likes Bobby or not, and has directly asked another mother to learn about why Bobby is unliked, questioning if classmates are mean to Bobby first, or if Bobby's social problems are caused by his behavior and by being mean. The consensus with other boys and the other mother (and my DH) is that Bobby starts it with his mean and inappropriate behavior.

I didn't like that the only time DS was happy to get together with Bobby was when he was being treated to a movie or outing. Over the past two years DS went on probably 5 outings with this boy and slept over at his house once. This time the mother suggested 3 different dates over 2 weekends for DS to come over and I was just out of excuses after declining 3 times already this summer. We've never extended an invitation and never would, but I felt it was right to reciprocate with an outing that I could control (time, date, location). DH doesn't like Bobby and was pretty opposed to inviting him over to our house, and he's the most easygoing guy ever.

DS attends a magnet school that draws families from the seven suburbs in our district, so it's not uncommon for parents to reach out to arrange for kids to get together.

I guess I'll just keep the different interests answer in my back pocket in case the mother asks me directly if there's a reason DS isn't seeing Bobby in the future. In the meantime I'll reply with "we have plans" and keep it to that.

Thanks for the insight, it was super helpful!

[KpbS]

It is really hard. I’ve had an acquaintance ask if DS enjoys being around her DS. She said she knows he is difficult and socially inept-he has special needs. DS was ok with playing with him 12 months ago. Now he is not and I know I need to tell her he doesn’t care to play anymore when she asks again. It is a difficult thing, but at 11 my DS is old enough to choose who he spends his time with and this other child has been mean and rude to my DD repeatedly which DS has no time for.

[TwinFoxes]

I think the reason I posted is because this mother has directly asked me in the past if DS likes Bobby or not, and has directly asked another mother to learn about why Bobby is unliked, questioning if classmates are mean to Bobby first, or if Bobby's social problems are caused by his behavior and by being mean.


It is really hard. I’ve had an acquaintance ask if DS enjoys being around her DS. She said she knows he is difficult and socially inept-he has special needs.

I feel for these moms, but they are putting you both in an awful position.