Advice? Middle school girl drama has me so down :(

[newmomto1]

DD is 12 and will be entering 7th grade this year. Since the end of 5th grade the social stuff has been so hard.
There is a core group of girls that make up her "friend" group.
She always seems to be on the edge of the group. Not always included. Often excluded.
This group of girls (or parts of it) infiltrate every aspect of DD's life : school, camp, dance, our congregation, etc.
Trying to branch away from this group sounds good, but unfortunately isn't really feasible :(
Not only are the girls a tough bunch, the mothers are as well.
The mothers are masters of social engineering.
In fact, DD's lifelong friend (whose mother WAS my best friend) turned against her as soon as they got to middle school. Her mother turned a blind eye, and I think even encouraged her daughter to treat my daughter poorly so that she could climb the social ladder.
I know the advice will be to branch out, find new friends, new activities, etc. All advice we have given DD and tried to do ourselves. But unfortunately in our community it's not that doable.
I try to stay strong and positive, but honestly I just feel depressed about the situation.
It kills me to see DD hurting.
I know that in the big picture this is just a blip in her life. My middle school years sucked and I survived. But honestly watching DD go through this is so much worse than anything I ever experienced firsthand.
And social media makes it so much worse! At least I didn't see in real time all of the things I was being excluded from.
Please from any of you that have BTDT I would love to hear some coping skills.

[anonomom]

Ugh, i’m So sorry. That sounds so difficult.

Unfortunately, I think it’s true that the best answer is to branch out. What is the after school club situation like at your DD’s school? For my DD (going into 8th), those clubs were a social boon. Not only has she gotten to try new things in a low-key environment, but she has gotten to know a lot of different people. At this point, she has several different friend groups that only occasionally intersect with each other, but with whom DD feels comfortable. She isn’t “popular” and likely never will be (I do not understand social climbing at all, so i’m no help to DD with that), but she has several good friends and an active social life.

How big is your DD’s school? If it’s large enough, it may be worth a discreet call to the guidance counselor/grade-level AP to see if your DD could be placed in classes apart from the group of girls that’s been excluding her. Just having that fresh start can help.

If you’re in a small school in a small town, it’s much harder (this was my situation growing up). But even then, if your DD can manage to find a few friends, through electives or other classes where kids are there by choice, not by curriculum, then she stands a good chance of finding at least a few kids with whom she clicks. I recall it feeling periodically awful when I was in middle school, but things got much better in HS.

[TwinFoxes]

What does your DD think? It'd be helpful for us to know her perspective.

Is she entering MS, or this is her second year? A lot of my mom friends in our neighborhood have said that middle school is easier. There are so many clubs and activities that it's easier to find new interests and new friends. We do have a large well-funded school though. So, it might not be as hard as you think for her to branch out. Fingers crossed.

[mommy111]

I think it sounds like the community is too small and that school is too small. My DD moved to a much bigger school for high school (not for social reasons, we just have several small
schools feeding into a large school) but a side effect was the sudden improvement in the drama.
Looks like you’re not up to moving into a bigger pond, in which case, I would teach her resilience. I’m sorry, this is really really hard esp with girls in that age

[alootikki]

No real advice, but I commiserate! We also live in a small, clique-y town where it's really hard to avoid "friends" altogether. Are you sure your DD can't branch out into new camps or extracurriculars to broaden her circle?

[dogmom]

Are you friends with anyone from middle school? I’m not. I do have two very good friends I meant after college and despite moves, illnesses, family stress they have been there for me for decades now. I’ve always said I only need a few true friends, those acquaintance friends come and go, like those “mom” friends. So first thing is to share your feelings of friendship and model how you cope to your DD. We aren’t immune either.

It’s been rough for my DD also. We talk some, but I try not to pressure her too much. She doesn’t participate in the clubs much BECAUSE the social anxiety is overwhelming at times. But she does stuff on her own with her art, and she’s happy with it.

I don’t think you need to be discrete about calling the counselor. Just call and say you are concerned about your DD. If the counselor has noticed anything or has any suggestions. Some kids hide it well at school, so she might not even notice.

Some people put limits on social media, phone time. They check their kids stuff. I don’t do that, but my eldest knows how to handle it well, and my DD has been the through enough drama she chooses to take breaks at times and not as involved as other kids. Once again, modeling is very helpful. I honestly think most Parents I know are just as involved l, if not more, than their kids in social media. Talk to you kids about the real way those companies are making money off them and trying to keep them engaged. They need to learn to handle it with guidance.

[gatorsmom]

Is there anything your dd is passionate about? If there isn’t a way to branch out and make new friends, maybe the answer is for her to try to discover what she really loves. Keep her distracted from the mean-girl stuff. If she finds a hobby or sport that she is really excited about, she can focus on herself to distract her during this time of life.

My friend’s daughter Grace has always been shy. Social interactions were always hard for her, even in a group of supportive friends (she is friends with my dd but now they’ve moved away). I watched as my friend encouraged her daughter’s first fascination with swimming and then as she encouraged her to lean in and love it. She made friends with other girls on the swim team, it gave her confidence and most importantly it gave her a distraction from girl drama. She just kind of found her own fulfilling path around the mean girls.

Another example of this is my DS2. My children attend a very tiny Catholic school and his class only has 3 boys in it. The other 2 boys in his class invite him to stuff and sometimes he goes but he is mainly obsessed with making armor at home out of non- metal materials. He is constantly at it. He’s made suits of medieval European andsamurai armor. Recently the school drama club performed The Hobbit and asked him to create all the battle sword props. He was beyond excited to do it. I won’t let him lose his friends- he still gets together with them- but he’s not concerned with them doing things without him. And an interesting side effect is that he’s so content with his crafts that he’s genuinely happy for them when they win a medal here or make an achievement there.

Is there some craft your add is intrigued by? Sewing? Knitting? Embroidery? Lace-making all of those crafts can start out slowly and become much more advanced. There might be groups in the area that she can join that are completely outside her groups of friends (I'm thinking of church knitting groups, home-schooled kids groups or ones in a nursing home). As she gets better she can sell her crafts for money and learn about running a business. If she interested in animals? Learn horse-back riding or volunteer at a veterinarian’s office or shelter. Sports? Arts, Dance? Science-related areas? Outdoor activities like scouting? Cooking? Baking? Blogging? If she finds an activity she enjoys and really gets sucked into it, other girls who are feeling left out of the popular girls might join her.

Its ok to be the outsider as long as you are having a blast doing it.

eta-sorry this post is so long. Just wanted to add that some kids can find their obsession on their own. But often they need parents to fan the flames. Search Pinterest. Go to museums. Start knitting yourself. Go to craft events. Ask the artists how they got a table to display their crafts. Buy the materials to tie-dye clothes and start doing it at home. Or watch the Great British Baking show, choose a dessert to make and then make it. The kids will join in to see what your are doing and you can let them take over.

[hbridge]

Girl drama is hard, but, as parents, all we can do is guide.

Definitely find things that your child is interested in and encourage her to get involved. My very socially challenged DD LOVES animals (I am not as much of a fan). It took too many years for me to embrace DD's love of animals and enroll the child in Farm Camp, she loves it! Then it took another couple of years to get her involved in 4-H, again, she loves it! While friendships are still VERY difficult for her, DC has found success with 4-H outside of the social realm. It's all about her interests now, I just help her to pursue them.

I 100% agree with gatorsmom that "It's ok to be the outsider as long as you are having a blast doing it". My DD will probably always be somewhat of an outsider, that's okay with her (usually), but she is still involved and can be (and is) very successful with what she wants to do.

Think outside the box: sewing, knitting, robotics, dance, archery, sword fighting, Manga, writing, reading, video games, art, science, cooking, baking, skiing, kayaking, guitar, rocketry... Let her experiment and find her passions... They may not be a "mainstream" type passion, that's okay. Check out your library for classes, workshop, and meetings, they may have some interesting things to try.

Also, try not to worry too much about the "girl drama", just try to support her and keep her confidence up. Encourage her to make new friends and find others that are on the "fringe" of groups, then let her find her way.

[wendibird22]

I can commiserate. Mine is going into 7th. 6th was HARD. Small town, tiny school. Her group of ~8 friends has a queen bee (whose older sisters are also queen bees) and the rest just fall into line. DD has been the target of nastiness, but so have most of the others in that group...queen bee rotates her sassiness around. We had them all to our house for DDs birthday sleepover and DH and I just observed how queen bee dictated what everyone did the entire evening and they all just follow. I've heard girl drama settles out by 8th/9th so I'm holding on. DD did take advantage of talking to her guidance counselor a few times this year and I think it helped her to get advice from someone other than her parents AND I hope that it gives the guidance counselor a sense of the problems caused by queen bee (my DD isn't the only one to seek school help for issues with queen bee). Maybe if enough kids complain about queen bee the school will pull her aside for a heart to heart. It isn't bullying but just mean girl stuff.

For us it's keeping open dialogue with DD, providing support and advice, trying to give DD skills to speak up for herself or her friends, and a lot of letting DD learn to navigate it all on her own. It's hard though and you do wish for your kid to be surrounded by nice kids.

[KpbS]

You have gotten a lot of good advice. I would encourage her to form friendships (closer friendships) with one or two nice girls, either from the group, or preferably not. I understand small circles—our schools have been small (now homeschool co-ops that are small), church is small, neighborhood options are limited, etc. I’m a firm believer in the fact that some kids/adults can do very well with just 1 or so close friend, the rest being acquaintances to be friendly with/to. It’s really ok for her to drop this group now. Some of the group’s girls may gain the confidence to branch out also in the next year or two, or not. Think of one new or nice girl that isn’t part of that group for whatever reason and pursue that friendship. She could be from another grade, another school, church, etc.

Also, keep her off if social media. It’s one thing for you as an adult to see the group pics where DD is left out, but it’s another more discouraging, insecurity promoting thing for her to see them.