How to deal with other mothers of girls

[dogmom]

So my DD is 13 and I have some friends that are mothers of girls her age, although she’s really not friends with their DD. Some of the moms are great, but I’m get a couple that are driving me crazy. They are just mean about their DD. Their daughters are doing basic teen girl stuff that I remember doing with my mom, just fighting for no reason, cranky, etc. I’m not sure if these women don’t remember being a teen girl, or if they were perfect, or if they have issues. (Well, I know one of them has huge issues, like staying with her abouse spouse too long.) I went to dinner with too of them and ALL I heard was complaints about their daughter. Now, my DD is a handful, and has been from the L&D room. I am not the most patient person, I’m always working on my response to her, I am constantly striving to do better. But whenever I talk to other people about the stress I always try to frame it as “it’s hard at times, We are working on it, and BTW these are the good things about my DD.” I completely understand venting, but they NEVER had anything good to say about their daughters. Just they are mean, ungrateful, they are tired of them, etc. Both their daughters have been through stressful family situations lately, and they are middle school teens, and I feel for the girls. I want to say, “Umm...aren’t you the adult and don’t your think your kid feels this resentment coming off of you?” I’m a grown a$$ woman and I don’t want to hang around with these women because they seem so anti-girl. “Your so lucky you have a boy”. I’m like, STFU. I’ve heard this from other, moms, but I don’t hang out with them as much. (Just was at a party where I had to listen to some slut shaming from a mother about her sons ex-GF and she was trying to get his friends involved in it.)

So I’m trying not to to just write off these two friends. But I need to address this because I am going to lose it one day and say something I regret when they are on their tirade. To be clear, I completely support their struggle raising their daughters, I just can’t take the relentless negativity. I can’t help but feel if they could forgive their daughters some and they would probably like themselves better. Any suggestions?

[TwinFoxes]

Maybe they’re blowing off steam among peers so they don’t lose it with their kids.

[georgiegirl]

I’d just distance myself a little. I have a 13 year old DD and she’s by far my easiest child. So lol at those “you are lucky because you have boys” comments. I complain a lot about DS1 (10) but he’s HARD (adhd, anxiety, sleep issues). Yes teen girls are moody and can be self centered, but it’s developmental.

[Gracemom]

The only comments that really bother me are ones about weight. One of my daughter's friends is beautiful, maybe a size 8/10. We were at the pool and the mom was complaining that her dd didn't look good in a bikini because of her "tummy pooch." I was shocked. This girl looked great. I really hope she doesn't hear her mom say stuff like that.

[dogmom]

Maybe they’re blowing off steam among peers so they don’t lose it with their kids.

I understand the venting, I do. I do it too. But I have NEVER heard them say something positive about the girls. And they do not have the most challenging of girls. It’s just normal developmental stuff from what I can tell. I have friends with much more challenging kids that don’t talk like this. Maybe it’s because their kids weren’t having that many issues? IDK. I just find it so toxic.

[123LuckyMom]

I understand the venting, I do. I do it too. But I have NEVER heard them say something positive about the girls. And they do not have the most challenging of girls. It’s just normal developmental stuff from what I can tell. I have friends with much more challenging kids that don’t talk like this. Maybe it’s because their kids weren’t having that many issues? IDK. I just find it so toxic.

I think they’ve gotten into a pattern of venting with each other, and it’s not your cup of tea. You believe that negativity must be spilling out at home, but that’s just your belief. It’s fine if you find it toxic to your ability to stay positive, and you certainly don’t need to participate, but if it’s how they like to spend their time, and if it’s helpful to them and their ability to hold it together at home (and you have no evidence other than your own opinion to assume that’s not the case) than it’s probably best for you to choose your way of coping and let them choose theirs. You could try to shift the conversation by sharing your outlook and seeing what their response is. If they’re not receptive, you can excuse yourself from the conversation by saying, “I’m just going to excuse myself for a bit while you guys vent. I find the only way I can cope with the challenges of these years is to stay positive and focus on the wonderful things about my daughter. If I focus on the negative stuff, I get stuck there, and I can’t be stuck in a negative frame of mind if I’m going to hold it together when things get tough.” Who knows, you might change the course of the conversation, or you might just give them something to think about, but certainly you don’t need to stick around or join in. At the same time, though, your way is your way and theirs is theirs. Their way isn’t necessarily wrong, and it’s sooooo much better for them to be venting in the safe space of a group of other moms than for them to be saying negative things to their kids. We all need relationships in which we can reveal the worst side of ourselves and still have people tell us we’re okay and acceptable. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on here, and it’s how they get all the bad stuff out so they can cope at home. Even if it’s not, though, you can only control your own behavior, so the best thing you can do is just walk away and try to find friends who share your philosophy of focusing on the positive.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think they’ve gotten into a pattern of venting with each other, and it’s not your cup of tea. You believe that negativity must be spilling out at home, but that’s just your belief. It’s fine if you find it toxic to your ability to stay positive, and you certainly don’t need to participate, but if it’s how they like to spend their time, and if it’s helpful to them and their ability to hold it together at home (and you have no evidence other than your own opinion to assume that’s not the case) than it’s probably best for you to choose your way of coping and let them choose theirs. You could try to shift the conversation by sharing your outlook and seeing what their response is. If they’re not receptive, you can excuse yourself from the conversation by saying, “I’m just going to excuse myself for a bit while you guys vent. I find the only way I can cope with the challenges of these years is to stay positive and focus on the wonderful things about my daughter. If I focus on the negative stuff, I get stuck there, and I can’t be stuck in a negative frame of mind if I’m going to hold it together when things get tough.” Who knows, you might change the course of the conversation, or you might just give them something to think about, but certainly you don’t need to stick around or join in. At the same time, though, your way is your way and theirs is theirs. Their way isn’t necessarily wrong, and it’s sooooo much better for them to be venting in the safe space of a group of other moms than for them to be saying negative things to their kids. We all need relationships in which we can reveal the worst side of ourselves and still have people tell us we’re okay and acceptable. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on here, and it’s how they get all the bad stuff out so they can cope at home. Even if it’s not, though, you can only control your own behavior, so the best thing you can do is just walk away and try to find friends who share your philosophy of focusing on the positive.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

I agree. When I get together with my friends, sometimes one (or more) of us just needs to vent. We store it up to share because we know the others will understand. It’s nice to have friends you’re comfortable enough with to share the good and the bad of parenting. Sometimes, that day, the bad outweighs the good. Maybe you can show up in the future with some funny kid story to share if you want to be able to redirect and change the tone of conversation. You can either simmer and judge them, or allow yourself to occasionally vent too or you can think of ways to change the conversation. I wouldn’t be as blunt as the post I quoted (I likely wouldn’t say anything) but I’d excuse myself if I needed a break from conversation.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[dogmom]

I guess I’m not doing a good job of explaining this. It’s not just venting. I do that, I’m sure there are plenty of moms that think I go too far. Other people do that. I can blow off a lot of it. I guess it’s cumulative. IDK. And I know some of it’s spilling out at home, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing details in a public forum, which is why it’s hard to convey the full extent. I can keep my positivity fine on my own, that’s not it. Just ethically at some point I don’t think I can just keep being present and not say something.

[doberbrat]

Sounds like you need to distance yourself a bit. Or go for a 'Hey, lets not talk about our kids at ALL this time" I know I get sick of kid talk.

[KpbS]

I think you have 2 choices. One is to quit socializing in groups with these ladies. Another is to calmly steer the topic in another direction or simply call them out when they are being so negative. Eg, Well I hear you saying Emma is _________, but she’s a wonderful girl! Last week she and DD were so kind to a younger child when they were at the pool or she is always respectful to me when I ask her to help DD/ ask her how her summer is going.... Or you can be really direct and tell them they are risking their relationships with their DD and doing permanent harm to them as healthy young women by being so critical, so impossible to please, so unforgiving, etc. While this is the truth and they certainly need to hear it, you likely will be ganged up on in a group setting and or mocked and then cut-off socially. But it would be their loss, honestly.

[trcy]

I think all you can do is make positive/sympathetic comments in response and see if they change what they say and how they feel. I have a tendency to be negative. Fortunately, I have had people in my life that are not and how they have responded to things has made me relook at how I do. Two examples immediately come to mind. A friend of mine had cancer. She lost her hair because of chemo and commented how much quicker showers are for her because she doesn't need shave her legs because she lost that hair too from the chemo. Fortunately, she made a full recovery. Someone else, I used to work with. If ever there was a co-worker that was late (even if they were habitually late), she would always say "I hope everything is ok. Hopefully they didn't get into an accident or have an emergency". After she said that the first time, I would never grumble about doing their work because I knew I'd feel awful if something truly bad had happened making them late.
So see if you can somehow respond to their complaining in a way that makes them think of things differently.
I hope that makes sense. It's tough getting pulled into a cycle of negativity and it can be hard to get out of. Good luck!

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Baby Bargains mobile app (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[sariana]

I agree with KpbS about finding something positive to say about their DD. “Wow, that must be so challenging when your DD [does that]. I always appreciate that she is so polite and always remembers to say thank you” or “...that she is so kind to my DD and always makes her feel welcome” or whatever (even if you have to fudge a little). Sometimes moms just need to hear other adults say that their kids are okay.

And some people really are just negative. My son is like that—nothing is good, people all are terrible, the world is falling apart, etc. We spend a lot of time reminding him of the choices HE has in this world, but obviously you can’t really do that with other adults. So your best option, besides spending less time with them, is to focus on the positives yourself.

[specialp]

Sounds like you need to distance yourself a bit. Or go for a 'Hey, lets not talk about our kids at ALL this time" I know I get sick of kid talk.

This. You have said it is toxic, you are going to lose it one day, and ethically can’t sit and say nothing. It’s going to be hard to spin that into a positive group for you. It is not your place or an appropriate time to say the things you want to say (forgive your daughters and you might like yourself.) I think you need to step away, but also with the understanding that you may not see the whole picture. They may say plenty of positive things about their daughters to other friends and family, on social media, and the children themselves, but view this group as a sort of support group for the not-good-side and have no idea they are being viewed so critically. Or maybe they feed off of each other’s negativity. Or maybe they are awful and you shouldn’t be around them anyway. Who knows, but it is not your thing and that is okay. I've learned it is hard for me to be around moms who complain and vent about their kids/motherhood/how terrible so and so is, but that is my issue, not theirs and I know a lot of it comes from worry and frustration. I just come to the table with different baggage/perspective.


You can give it one more time to try the suggestions of saying something positive about the girls, but absolutely do not blow up and go in with the mindset that you have to make it through one last tongue biting lunch and then move on.

[TwinFoxes]

I know some of it’s spilling out at home, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing details in a public forum, which is why it’s hard to convey the full extent.

Maybe if you decide to say something, (which I think will go over like a lead balloon, btw), your observations of it spilling over at home should be the focus. Although I don't know how you'll say something to an entire group about their individual home life. I'm sure they see it like many people here do, harmless and something they do in a "safe space" as PP said. So to get them to change their behavior, I think you'll have to show them that what they're doing isn't harmless, but is somehow affecting their kid.

I would personally just distance myself. Give them all a friendly wave at events and read or make believe you have important business on your phone. Decline social invitations.

[gatorsmom]

Like georgiegirl and doberbrat I think you should distance yourself a bit during this phase of parenting. Be busy a bit more when those moms get together, attend some of their get together a bit less than before, and just turn your focus elsewhere for the time being. The girls and their moms are obviously going through something. Chances are good they will get through it but I don’t think this is a situation where they need your emotional support. Back away a bit until the dust settles and they have found their way to a less toxic place.

I saw my parents go go through this and Dh and I are going through this a bit too. We are just too busy right now to spend any serious time with toxic people. When our lives have calmed down theirs will have too, most likely, and it will be easier to spend time together again.

[citymama]

It sounds like their complaining is really bothering you. Why spend more time with them than you need to?